Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Could this be the end? Trust, paranoia, his. (way too long first post)(52 Posts)
Where to start?
I cant sleep, barely eat, cant think straight, started smoking again, can barely take the evening 'wine as medicine', my stomach is too empty, feel numb, exhausted, nauseous, scared, confused......
DP is my first serious love story and we've lasted four years to date. We'd known each other very distantly through mutual friends for almost 18 years. He'd come out of a 16 year relationship, I am step-mum to his three teenagers and we have DD of our own, 22 months today.
We got together when I was 37 and had both been single for a couple of years. I've had a few meaningless short (1.5 - 2 Year) relationships at various times in life but have otherwise been single, sometimes celibate for many months and other times having what I thought was a reasonable (not slutty) dose of casual sex. I never thought I'd meet someone at that age and be totally and utterly head over heels in love, he has been the happiest years of my life, despite what I'm about to describe.
My DP has been obsessed with my past sex life, in particular that not everyone was white, he is. Most of the time we are a happy couple getting on with life and the four kids we have between us, although three live with their Mum, we have them about a reasonable amount of time. Then this rage flairs up where he calls me every name under the sun, its' too embarrassing and offensive to repeat here. He puts words into my mouth, makes statements about me that are just not true and doesn't believe the things I say repeatedly and have done so over the years. My message to him is consistent and never changes, I love him with every cell of my being, fancy him from top to toe and only him, want to grow old with him and care for each other for the rest of our lives, adore him, respect him etc. I have no desires for ANY other men from the bottom of my heart this is true.
Anyway, long story short, if possible: On Monday I tried to talk to his cold brick wall that he's put up for a few weeks, signs I know too well, and he's come out with the same as above, it makes him sick, he'll never get over it, he cannot stand the snickering that other guys do behind his back, he loves me and knows that I love him, but he cannot be happy and cannot get over this. Friends of the friend that bought us together and really know me in a very removed way work with him, if they know anything about me or even my past sex life, it is gossip and thrice removed.
A day later he's hugging me and using our nicknames again (always a sign of peace) and being sweet, then came home pissed and hours late for dinner last night and started, that I'm a fucking liar, all I do is bullshit, bringing up questions he allegedly asked me years ago and proving how I don't tell the truth. To be honest, I think it is a woman's right and in our interests not to have to pen out each and every sexual encounter we've had when single to our lifelong partner, I don't think either party need that, it's not sexy, loving or dignifying. So I haven't gone into detail about my past but he does know the gist of it, which I think is fair. When he started to rage at me last night I said as much, he threw furniture, broke some of DD's toys, shouted at me to get out the sooner the better. I 'slept' in our bedroom with the baby-gate locked between me and the spare room.
I know he is a bully, and twists my head and words but he's not a danger to me or baby, for those of you who might suggest it, he's never raised a hand to me, nor his ex, or kids and although he gets flipping mad, its' more an expression of his anger. I know what it feels like to be so angry to throw things across the room. It's really not an OW issue either here ladies.
He left for work angry but quiet today. Baby is sleeping now, its' afternoon and the step kids are with us soon, so there will be a rest from it tonight. There is a significant possibility that with a few more tearful, angry, hideous evenings he completely calms down and will be loving again, but I've been through this more times than I can count now and each time I become more resigned and it feels more real, the prospect of it really happening, us separating.
I don't have any problem with him apart from these 'episodes'. Life with a little one can get a bit humdrum as you all know and we niggle each other, and have our good days and tetchy days, but I am happy and couldn't imagine my life without him. His 'brewing and blow ups' have become less severe and occur less often as time as gone on, this hasn't happened for over a year and it used to happen more nastily and often, so there is some improvement and I know he's made a conscious effort to try and manage his feelings and not externalise them. Once the dark cloud passes, it takes me weeks or months, depending how bad it was, to feel settled again and not worry about his every nuance, or who I will get home that day. That said I actually get better at it too, and try not to internalise all his shit about me.
But I'm in the eye of the storm right now and all I can see ahead of me is single parenthood, living all alone with just DD, who will save me from being suicidally depressed. I quit a freelance career (14 hour days) to take care of her and cannot go back to that lifestyle as a mum, so would have to find a new career/job at 41! We are not married but I am sure if it we do split I will be looked after, he is not a bastard at heart, takes good care of his ex and kids, is a fantastic Dad, fair, reliable, consistent and decent and quite able to provide for more than one family. I know I am very lucky on this issue.
It is the emotional turmoil that brings me here. He's a man that trusts nobody, always believes things will go bad in the end, looks for the weakness in anything good and then obsesses about it. He is without a doubt very angry about my past and feels that I should have told him everything up front and blames me for the whole thing. Whether justified or not, he is hurt and angry, this plays right into his trust issues and I think the only way he can show me how much it hurts him is by making me believe he doesn't want to be with me, he knows that's as painful as it gets for me. I go through moments of numbness and of absolute wretched pain and heartbreak. Historically, when he sees me at a certain point of madness and emotional fucking sadness and the separation becomes emotionally real to us both, he sees how much he loves me and melts, like it all ebbed away down a dirty gutter somewhere.
It's is ruining our beautiful family and love story and breaking my heart. Are there any wise old souls out there who can offer some advice?
I'm not wise, but have my support. In truth? It sounds awful, desperate, what you are describing. And it sounds as though it will never change.
I take it counselling (for him, for you? Separately) hasn't been tried.
It's easy to say "run" to a stranger on the internet, but that word was in my head as I read your post. I'm sorry, he sounds exhausting, and your daughter, well, she needs you to be happy. You deserve to be happy.
I saw a counsellor for awhile and it helped me but I think he was the one that needed it more. He agreed to try, went once said it wasn't for him. He then said I'd been going for 6 months and still he had no answers from me as to my behaviour in the past!!! Mainly I was dealing with how to deal with him! LOL
He won't try it together, or alone again, I've pushed for that one years ago.
Thank you for your words, DD is my rock right now, has just started to throw her arms around me and say 'Love you Mummy'. She is the only thing that keeps me sane and strong. But, your right, it is awful and desperate. I'm too ashamed of how bad things are to tell people and have few friends left I can confide in now, which I guess is why I'm pouring my heart out here. Thankfully I have a sister who knows and is very supportive.
I guess it will run it's true course, I don't have the confidence or my heart hasn't hardened enough to him yet to get out of my own volition. But I"m sure he'll push me to it eventually, if not imminently.
Ruining your 'love story'? What love story would that be? The one you read in a book and have projected onto a jealous and controlling twunt whose insecurities render him wholly unfit for the part of Prince Charming you seem desperate to assign to him.
"when he sees me at a certain point of madness and emotional fucking sadness and the separation becomes emotionally real to us both, he sees how much he loves me and melts, like it all ebbed away down a dirty gutter somewhere"
After he's reduced you to a quivering wreck, ground you to dust beneath his feet, 'he sees how much' he loves you and 'melts'? Like fuck he does. He enjoys pulling your wings off; he gets off on watching your pain and making you subservient to his will because it makes him feel all-powerful, the great white god - and I use the word 'white' advisedly because this man is a racist misogynistic twunt.
Is this what you're willing to settle for? Is this what you want for your dd? If not, you'll grow some balls and, next time he starts his well-practised parlour game with your head, you'll tell the twunt to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when he gets there, fuck off some more.
Honey, there's so much more to life than him. You and your dc deserve the best and, at only 41yo, it's within your power to be anything you want to be, including becoming a dm she can be proud of.
He's broken, and you can't fix him. There's nothing shameful about your past, but he will never accept that.
I think you do ultimately need to cut your losses, but when you do that is for you to decide.
Without him seeking some serious help, I can't see how you or anyone could maintain any kind of functional relationship with this man.
Have a look at the links at the top of this thread.
Join us if you feel you want to.
He is a danger to you. He is abusive. He's already verbally abusing you and the rest of the time he's manipulating your emotions shamelessly... forcing you to confirm your love by withdrawing his when it suits. Jealous rages are a massive & frightening red flag and a man that is upset because you might have slept with a black man (did I read that right?) is simply appalling.
I think you're entitled to expect better.
"I know he is a bully, and twists my head and words but he's not a danger to me or baby, for those of you who might suggest it, he's never raised a hand to me, nor his ex, or kids and although he gets flipping mad, its' more an expression of his anger."
He is abusive
"He's a man that trusts nobody, always believes things will go bad in the end, looks for the weakness in anything good and then obsesses about it."
He is a man that looks for others to blame rather than accept he is behaving badly or inadequate. He is abusive
Oh Loveboat, I fear he is not the man for you. He rages about your past? He destroys your love for something that cannot be changed? This is a sign of mental ill health. Take care. Could you insist on counselling or separation?
I hate this man.
By staying with him, and pandering to his toxicity, you are doing your daughter wrong
Your flowery and overly emotional language makes me uncomfortable. This is not a love story, it is a tale of horror and abuse. Shame on you for confuscating that with the vivid over imagination of a lovesick teenager.
He's an emotionally abusive bully and he has made you think this behaviour is acceptable.
Any relationship that involves walking on eggshells to try and keep the peace, a relationship where you are just waiting for the next flare up, is not a relationship worth keeping. He is picking on your past sexual partners because he has made this a button worth pushing. If you had been a nun, he would simply find something else to pick up on. You are worth more.
What did you learn about relationships when growing up to think that any of this is at all acceptable to you?.
He is abusive and by staying within this dysfunctional relationship you also damage your DD because she is also learning damaging lessons from the two of you as to how relationships are conducted (or in your case not).
"We are not married but I am sure if it we do split I will be looked after, he is not a bastard at heart, takes good care of his ex and kids, is a fantastic Dad, fair, reliable, consistent and decent and quite able to provide for more than one family"
This comment is so fatuous it breaks my heart. He only has financial obligations to his child, not you personally.
And you've written the good dad comment, women often write that when they themselves have nothing at all positive to say about their man.
He was never your project either to rescue and or save. He does not and never did want to be saved by you.
And if, as world says, you had been a nun it would have been how could you have given yourself in marriage to Jesus Christ, a Jewish man who, thanks to Catholicism, is also a polygamist
He's thrown furniture
He's called you all manner of appalling names
You've needed to put something physical between you and him when sleeping to protect yourself
He's made you describe your sexual history and then thrown it back at you
He's racist (?)
He gives you the silent treatment and then relents when you're on your knees begging for forgiveness
I think you need to stop romanticising this and see it for what it is: as Cogito says, he is abusive. He will never change.
I say that as someone who was in a carbon copy of your relationship (without the DD) until May of last year. He behaved in exactly the same way as yours, down to the obsessing over past sexual partners. I never thought he'd hit me, but he did.
What the fuck is wrong with your past anyway? You lived your life, you had a few lovers, big deal. If he wanted a 37-year-old virgin he should have gone a-wooing at a convent. He has three children by a previous relationship, that's how pristine he is. Why shouldn't you have a major problem with that? And how dare he, how DARE he break a little child's toys over something that is purely, 100%, his own peculiar little emotional issue to get over?
I lived with one of these for 25 years - obsessed with who I might have been shagging in the past and/or planning to shag in the future - and I didn't even have a romantic past unless you count a quick snog with a boy I decided not to date and a couple of intense but unrequited crushes. (I was quite young!) Sometimes it got better for a while and I thought he was finally realising I was the honest, faithful type, but it always blew up again eventually. Basically, it wasn't about me at all, it was about something in his head. We eventually split up over my internet gaming because of all the male players.
If I had my life over again, knowing what I do now, the very first time he started acting up over something he presumed I had done or been going to do with a man he would have been offered an ultimatum: therapy, or bugger off. And I suggest you do the same.
You have done nothing to be ashamed of. Indeed, I suspect even if you had been a 37-year-old nun he would have found something to kick off about (you've been making eyes at the greengrocer again, sort of thing). Whether this is really about something he believes, in a personality disorder/stuck record sort of way, or whether he is working himself up to hurl your "wickedness" at you as a means of control, I couldn't tell you, and you probably never will know for sure either; I still don't know about XH and I thought I could read people. I only know he is most unlikely to ever get over it, at least without help, and it's not something you should have to live with.
What's he going to do when your daughter starts putting on mascara and wanting to date boys, I wonder?
Also curious to know why his previous relationship broke down. It wouldn't be because his ex (allegedly) had an affair, would it?
He's broken. He's damaged and dangerous. Get out.
Dammit, took too long posting, two people have pointed out the nun thing already! They're right though. As am I. Trust us.
You don't owe him any answers or explanations about your past or past behavior. It is none of his business It doesn't matter who you slept with it is the past.
As of today refuse to discuss it with him. Any comment or questions simply tell him, that was before you met him, it is your past, you are not discussing it with him. Don't get into conversations or try and justify yourself. Anyone who thinks their partner is disgusting for having anything but a white on white relationship isn't worth the time of day and you will be unable to change them ever.
If this is your love affair I would hate to see your idea of your worst enemy as this man is treating you like you are disgusting for having a past.
The longer you stay, the older and more aware your DD gets, the more she sees him treating you like shit, giving you the cold shoulder and telling you how disgusting you are for your past. As mummy and daddy love each other, this is of course how people in love treat each other and she will expect from a man.
Sorry but this isn't 'love' and never will be. Best to cut loose now and find someone who really respects and trusts you for the wonderful person you are.
Yu need to get out ASAP before your daughter is any older. What an appalling template for a relationship you are offering her.
A beautiful family and LOVE STORY, where the father effectively calls the mother a whore on a regular basis for having a previous relationshiship with a man from a different racial backgound? Where he smashes up his baby's toys and the mother of his child has to barricade herself into her bedroom in terror when he goes on a jealous rampage?
So he is just a racist, emotionally abusive bully?
Please dint make excuses for this pathetic human being.
This is not a love story. Of course he is lovely sometimes, abusive men don't start out abusive or behave abusively all the time or no-one would go out with him.
But what you are describing is abusive and it won't get any better.
Probably not what you want to hear but you need to leave.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.