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Ex won't leave me alone

(19 Posts)
ComeAlongPond Thu 17-Jan-13 15:40:44

I split up with Ex over two years ago - we were together for around a year. So we've been apart longer than together and it wasn't a very significant relationship in the long run. He was very odd - he lied about how old he was (told me he was five years older than me, turned out to be ten), very manipulative, emotionally abusive. He had strange attitudes to women - he was a policeman and watched lots of porn but wouldn't have sex with me because he couldn't get aroused by someone he cared about, he'd seen lots of terrible things via work and felt like he was doing something abusive. Except he was fine to watch porn, and have sex with me in the very early days, just not when he started to care about me as a person. This freaked me out. There were lots of other things too. I feel I had a very lucky escape. But when we split, he threatened to kill himself.

He's recently started texting me. I told him I didn't want him to contact me around a year ago. He took no notice and continued to send birthday/Christmas texts. I ignored these. Today he messaged me to say that he has moved house 'in case I'm interested'. I am not interested. Also, the house he has moved from, he bought in very strange circumstances where he decided we were moving in together without actually mentioning it to me. Then when I said what, no, I'm moving away to do my postgraduate degree and why on earth did you think we were moving in together?? he was furious, said I'd been leading him on, he couldn't afford the mortgage, he only chose that house because I'd like it, etc.

Anyway, I'm torn between ignoring his latest text or replying along the lines of "I have made the choice not to have you in my life; you do not have the right to override that by continuing to text me. I have asked you once before not to contact me, this is the last time I am going to ask you. If you continue to message me I will change my number and report you for harassment."

I'm worried that if I say that, he'll threaten to kill himself again. I don't want to tell him I have a new DP (with whom I'm very happy) because I don't trust him not to try to contact him. But by ignoring him I feel like I'm not objecting to his messages and they won't stop. What would you do?

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake Thu 17-Jan-13 15:42:42

I'd ignore it - he will never know you got the message if you don't confirm it.

TheFallenNinja Thu 17-Jan-13 15:43:47

Act now, contact the police, this will only get worse.

If he threatens to kill himself, fine, that's up to him.

Chronicle the messages etc but protect yourself.

ComeAlongPond Thu 17-Jan-13 15:44:44

I think he will - his phone was set up to receive delivery reports, and he's unlikely to have changed it since because he doesn't like dealing with technology.

Lovingfreedom Thu 17-Jan-13 15:45:44

Ignore him. Delete his number. Do not respond. Don't tell him anything. Don't worry about him - he won't kill himself. He's being a dick. Well done for getting yourself a nice new boyfriend. Celebrate the fact that you've moved on from this loser and try to forget about him.

ComeAlongPond Thu 17-Jan-13 15:45:53

Serious enough for police you think? He hasn't actually done anything, won't it be a waste of police time?

ComeAlongPond Thu 17-Jan-13 15:47:02

Ahh sorry, cross-posts. Okay, ignoring seems to be unanimous.

MrsMcEnroe Thu 17-Jan-13 15:47:40

I would report him to the police now for harassment, and I would change my phone number. And ignore the suicide threats - I very much doubt that he's serious (I had an ex make these threats too and it was purely a manipulative tool - as was he) but ultimately you're not responsible for whether he chooses to end his life or not.

He plainly has some issues and I would be telling the police that you are scared he might turn up and start harassing you (does he know where you currently live?). The fact that he's a police officer makes it worse, actually. Do you live with your DP? Do you feel safe?

izzyizin Thu 17-Jan-13 15:50:19

I'd abbreviate the messsage to: "I have made it clear I do not wish to receive any further communication from you. If you continue to ignore my wishes I will report you for harassment" and I'd report him if he persists and if any messages comprise threats to kill himself.

ComeAlongPond Thu 17-Jan-13 15:50:24

He doesn't know where I live, no. He knows the town and could possibly find out if he put his mind to it but I don't feel in danger. I don't live with DP, but I'm in accommodation provided by the university, so plenty of other professors in the same building and decent security. Ex lives in a different county anyway so he's not nearby or anything.

izzyizin Thu 17-Jan-13 15:56:28

I see no reason why you should have the inconvenience of changing your number and if he becomes aware that you've done so, it may spur him into making contact with you by other means.

Having sent the message as outlined in my response above, I wouldn't hesitate to report any further texts/messages from him to the police as it seems to me that if his commanding officer is made aware of his instabiity, he'll get the help he needs.

ComeAlongPond Thu 17-Jan-13 16:12:11

Yes. I'm scared that he's not in a fit state to do the job he's doing if he's as unstable as he makes out. But I'm not sure how much of it is just talk to get sympathy, either.

Lovingfreedom Thu 17-Jan-13 16:19:40

I'm scared that he's not in a fit state to do the job he's doing if he's as unstable as he makes out
Not your problem. Don't start thinking up reasons why you really 'should' reply to him. You really shouldn't. He's managed without you for over 2 years. Leave him/the police force he works for to it.

ComeAlongPond Thu 17-Jan-13 16:25:08

True. Thank you smile

Sugarice Thu 17-Jan-13 16:27:14

Don't engage with him at all.

He's your Ex for the reasons specified, ignore him.

HappyNewHissy Thu 17-Jan-13 20:59:13

call 101. this is harassment.

Lueji Thu 17-Jan-13 21:37:59

report to police and change number!

Longtalljosie Thu 17-Jan-13 21:48:57

I'd just change my number. In fact, that's precisely what I did do.

ComeAlongPond Thu 17-Jan-13 21:52:27

Thanks everyone. Just to be clear, I have no intention of trying to talk to him or anything, I'm just trying to work out the best way of getting him to leave me alone. Thank you for your help.

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