Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

he left 24 hrs ago. i'm trying to adjust.

(44 Posts)
BangOn Wed 16-Jan-13 14:05:33

It all feels much too raw to deal with; what do we tell the kids? What do we tell everyone else?

I think i just reached a point where i felt i'd put up with his lies & anger for over a decade & that i'd really given it more than my best shot, yet nothing was changing.

He is staying with a family member til we work out wtf we're gonna do about money, the mortgage, etc & what we're gonna do about telling the dcs.

At the moment he calls quite a bit. I feel like he's trying to wear me down as he's always managed to do in the past. I don't want to be worn down.

Financially, i dont know how we're going to get by. I only earn a fraction of what he does, although i had had plans to retrain for a job where i'd eventually be able to at least cover the mortgage by mysrlf, but it'll take at least a year or two to get to that point. Meanwhile my current job is weird hours- evenings & weekends quite often, & up until now he was ablw to take over with the dcs after he'd finished work so i could get on with mine.

Gotta also try & get it into my head that we won't be having the 3rd baby i'm still longing for, & it's unlikely i'll have another child with someone else.

AnyFucker Fri 25-Jan-13 22:28:05

If "normal" is for you to turn a blind eye about him being a cheating fuck and teaching your children this is a normal way to live, then you would do it

but it isn't

and you shouldn't

and you would be a fool to do so

BangOn Fri 25-Jan-13 22:23:08

Thanks. I know. You're all so right about him. How the fuck do I say strong & avoid just falling back into a relationship with him?

I kept thinking my friend was gonna ask him about the black eye at the time...

God he's a prick. I'm never relaxed when he's home. Mainly cos i can't trust a fucking thing he says. I just feel heartbroken when i even think about telling the kids. They think he's been staying at his dad's to help him with things while the weather's been bad. They just want him to be here & for everything to be 'normal'. If it ws just him to think about it wouldnt be a problem.

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:56:22

Yet another clear-cut case of 'cherchez la femme', albeit it sounds as if the femme or her usual squeeze has given him what for (well done that wo/man).

What is the point of giving this twat head space and house space, honey?

Can't you see that you and your dc will be infinitely better off without him sucking the joy out of your lives?

AnyFucker Thu 24-Jan-13 22:50:55

The black eye is from the regular partner of his latest paramour, OP

you do realise that, don't you ?

sorry x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Jan-13 22:49:45

It does sound like he's wearing you down already. I am re-reading what you wrote upthread. This is what he does. Suppose you do let him drift back and get his feet under the table, and he carries on in his own sweet way. Because you want another baby. You wouldn't be the first but it's a big price to pay for you and your little ones.

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:29:39

He hasn't left, has he? All he's done is given himself licence to do what the fuck he wants whenever he wants to - and you've been complicit in this.

Black eye from falling on ice? Yeah, right. And that's a herd of flying pigs going past my window.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Jan-13 22:15:54

You need to detach from him

Which means no more just wandering in and out when he feels like it and kipping on your couch for "convenience"

He obviously thinks you will just drift back into a (unsatisfactory) relationship, and the way you are going, you probably will

sorry to be blunt...but you need to draw the boundaries very much more clearly

BangOn Thu 24-Jan-13 22:10:06

He wasn't exactly invited, but had said he might drop by after work.

The separation is going badly in that he keeps turning up & i'm finding it really hard to get him to leave. He's on the sofa downstairs right now for example. Combination of birthdays & funerals thos week means he says this is a practical measure for getting where he needs to be on time. I'm crap at this, aren't i?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 23-Jan-13 14:02:43

Was he invited over BangOn or did he just roll up thinking you were 'entertaining' some one? Hope you didn't feel vulnerable. How do you reckon the trial separation is going?

Glad you had a friend round, anyway.

PS the old things go wrong in 3s comes to mind, hope nothing else electrical bites the dust!

BangOn Tue 22-Jan-13 22:18:21

After she left

BangOn Tue 22-Jan-13 22:17:01

They certainly do... Had to replace the bloody kettle as well today.

He came over again today. Turned up with a black eye (god knows, he said he slipped on the ice) when i was with a friend & the kids. He just scowled at her like he wanted her to leave. Felt really embarassed.

After he left he said it was because he saw her bike & assumed it was a male friend of mine he admits to being really jealous of. He's got it into his head that i'm about to set up home with this guy, just because he's also recently come out of a ltr. Just total paranoia on h's part as i'm not even sure i'm into men at all anymore (but thats another thread).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 18:09:11

Bloody machines seem to sense the least opportune moment to conk out don't they.

Can see your point about not telling everyone. Perhaps a couple of discreet pals at first. You said before, historically when a relationship's on its last legs you let things limp along too long. This time maybe you will feel it's your turn to say you've had enough, that's it.

BangOn Sun 20-Jan-13 17:47:51

Angrytrees - i know what you mean. i do wonder how i'll keep going through all the little day to day things too though. Spent most of today washing cartloads of clothes by hand as the washing machines out of action til the end of the week. Great timing! Kids arent impressed at all.

silverbaubles- that thought is pretty much all that's giving me hope right now.

Donkeys- i do have friends i could go to for support in rl (not especially close ones) but i hate being seen as needy, or a drain on people's time/ energy. Plus i suppose i want to be 100% sure of what we're doing before i start dragging other people into it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Jan-13 15:39:00

Keep on going, BangOn do you have rl support handy, friends who you can talk to, others even in the same boat?

SilverBaubles33 Sun 20-Jan-13 14:21:56

I think that's perfectly natural, you're bound to feel down after adrenalin and drama stop and reality sinks in.

What's really exciting though, is that the reality in this case will be a story written by you alone for your lovely children all about the new life that feels lighter and freer.

Sunday afternoons can be the pits. Snuggle with the kids if they're with you, film or papers or indulgent bath if not and enjoy the space to make plans.

Perfectly normal to mourn something that's over, even if it was dreadful.

All the luck and happiness in the world to you!

AngryTrees Sun 20-Jan-13 14:20:39

What I mean to say is it will be okay and it won't be as overwhelming as you think. You will be all right, just let yourself adapt and be kind to yourself.

AngryTrees Sun 20-Jan-13 14:19:06

It always seems overwhelming when you're contemplating it. Just a big gaping hole of the unknown. When it's actually happening you just adapt, really. And the reality of it isn't usually as terrifying as it seems because you're only ever doing one thing at a time: one schoolrun, one dinner, one day and so on. Whereas when you get caught up in thinking about it you start seeing everything at once and all of the possibilities and worst-case scenarios and it scares the shit out of you!

BangOn Sun 20-Jan-13 14:12:28

Feeling very sad today if anyone's around...

I've been alright up until now but suddenly the thought of coping with the kids by myself seems overwhelming.

BangOn Fri 18-Jan-13 12:03:11

Donkeys - thanks for your reassuring words.

Do i love him? I'm certainly not in love with him. There are elements of his personality & behaviour i just can't stand & if i could wave a magic wand i'd just get rid of them. There are, on the other hand, other parts his personality i have affection for, but sadly you have to take the whole package...

BangOn Fri 18-Jan-13 11:55:27

Thanks peppermintpasty, you could obviously tell i was fishing for compliments! grin

Seriously though, there's the baby thing, and then there's the fact that i've always been really shit at breaking up with people.. always let things drag on for yonks and forgave way too much then a few months down the line found myself getting dumped instead. Even though i'm older & this is a much more serious situation, i cam feel myself repeating those old patterns. If i haven't already blamed my mother too much, perhaps i can trace it back to the way she took my father back after he was physically and emotionally abusive to her. I remember being really confused at him disappearing afteran awful incident in which the police arrived & then reappearing 6 months later.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 18-Jan-13 11:45:49

I just still want another baby so badly
I can't imagine even wanting another man

Don't just hang onto the 'devil you know' to have another baby with him. Not unless you know he is going to work hard at resolving his whole attitude towards you and this marriage. The DCs you already have with him need at least one parent to raise them adequately.

You have time on your side! You can finish with him, build yourself up to the point you don't accept less than you're worth and still have time to meet somebody your equal and extend your family.

Do you love him? Sometimes loving a person isn't enough if they don't respect you and give you back as much as they take.

PeppermintPasty Fri 18-Jan-13 11:31:10

God I thought you were going to say you were ancient like me as a reason for no more babies.

32 is young. I had my first dc at 37 and my 2nd at 41, that's years away. Anything could happen. And I bet you're lovely smile

He, on the other hand, is an arse wink

BangOn Fri 18-Jan-13 11:21:24

Thanks. You're right of course.

I just still want another baby so badly, i really think that's what will make me crack if i'm not careful. I'm nearly 32. I can't imagine even wanting another man, even if there's one out there who would want me. I'm not attractive, i know that, even though h tells me i am constantly (just more of his bullshit sadly).

Anyone else been through similar wehn you didn't feel you were 'done' having kids?

fiventhree Fri 18-Jan-13 09:15:30

Yes it does . It tells you that you need to look forwards and not backwards, and keep him out

BangOn Fri 18-Jan-13 07:51:30

This morning i woke up without him.the dcs snuggled up into my bed & i couldn't believe how happier i felt. Literally like a weight had been lifted off. That must tell me something, right?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: