Please, help me

[LostAndNeverFound]

My father in law passed away suddenly at the weekend, he was abroad and we got a phone call to say he had been taken ill. So me, my husband and his brother and sisters got the first flight to where he was. I have two children, who I took to my mums.

The day after we arrived, his life support was turned off, it was heartbreaking but I needed to be strong for my inlaws (youngest brother in law is only 16) and they all still live at home with the exception of my husband.

We were away for three days, in those three days I had 6 hours sleep, and only nibbles of food. I'm also 27 weeks pregnant. It was such an emotional time and all I wanted to do was hold my husband. But I couldn't. They're Pakistani Muslims, and over 20 friends and family travelled to say goodbye, so I didn't get any time alone with him.

I was everybody's rock, everyone was distraught as to be expected. So was I, I've visited them at least 4 times a week for the last 6 years.

Fast forward to yesterday, they all flew out to Pakistan to bury my father in law, I've stayed home with the children and I'm looking after things this end. They'll be gone for at least 6 weeks.

I decided it would be a good idea to have a check up with the midwife, I went in straight away, baby is fine, I'm severely dehydrated and my heart rate has risen, she wants me to go in on a drip as the ketones in my urine are just above borderline. I promised to eat and drink and relax and go in in two days if things don't improve.

So now to tonight. I have an emotional phone call to my husband, and decided it would be a nice idea to find some photos of his dad and print them off. His old phone is in the kitchen drawer, unlocked but with no sim just a memory card. I put the memory card on my laptop and there it is, hundreds of porn photos and videos in amongst photos of our children, our wedding day, his family.

There were also photos of girls that didn't look like they were downloaded, it looks like he was there with them. So I've now come to the conclusion he's cheated as well.

What a cliche, how did I not know he was looking at these things. To me, porn is cheating, I hate it, it's degrading and disgusting. Not to mention completely against our religion.

The most shameful thing is I text him to say I'd found them, he's buried his dad today and I'm doing stupid things like that.

I'm lost, I'm angry, I'm heartbroken, I'm betrayed, I'm exhausted, and now I'm back to square one, can't eat, can't sleep, can't drink.

What do I do now? I've been with him for 6 years, his family are my best friends, my girls mean the world to them all and they love me so much.

Sorry for the epic post, I have no one to talk to (normally his sisters as they're my closest friends, but I can't burden them with this).

I have so many friends and family nearby all offering to help me through losing my father in law, yet I feel so alone.

I will read all of your replies, but I may not be able to reply until tomorrow, to top it off my two year old has a sickness bug and is next to me in bed.

[SweetSeraphim]

Oh god, what a terrible time you're having

First of all, you're going to need some sleep. Can you do that? Only because everything will look so much harder to deal with when you're so knackered x

[SweetSeraphim]

And I'm so sorry for your loss

[Lueji]

Hugs.

Not sure what else to say.

Take care of yourself and your DC, first and foremost.
Take some time to think about all this and decide what to do. You don't have to do anything right now

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry you've had such a shock. I think the main thing is to look after yourself. Get as much rest as you can, eat well, drink plenty and so on. Whatever else happens, you have to take care of your health. It may not be good timing but there's never a good time to find out your partner is a rat, sadly. I don't see why you would think you had behaved shamefully by telling him what you've found out.

Good luck

[fantashtic]

I hope some lovely people are along to give you more practical advice soon, but I just couldn't read and not post. What an awful lot you are having to deal with all at once, it must feel so overwhelming. I really feel for you.

[LostAndNeverFound]

Thank you.

Overwhelming is definitely the right word to use.

I know I need to put my baby first so I'm going to force myself to eat and drink, I threw up the pasta I forced myself to eat for tea.

Dd hasn't been sick for 2 hours, so hopefully that's it for the night and I can try and sleep.

The worst part is I still need to carry on with the brave face I've been putting on, I'm going to the inlaws house tomorrow to tidy up (over 100 people turned up to say farewell) with a group of family friends.

How can I be brave when I feel completely crippled inside??

[Bubblegum78]

Oh my dear,

There is not alot any of us can say. You need to talk to him and that sounds like a long way off.

I always say innocent until proven guilty, do not jump to conclusions. All you know for sure is that he has been looking at porn.

It may be distasteful and it may be against your religion but essentially they are just pictures and it's fairly common for men to do this sort of thing. I'm not condoning it but it's not the end of the world either.

He also won't be the only muslim man who does this so it's not exactly unnatural behaviour.

I would keep this phone and it's contents in a safe place. Wait til he gets home and wait for him to ask for the phone, then confront him.

If he uses his dad's death as an excuse to avoid the issue, just tell him, I'm sorry about your dad, he was a great man and I thought the world of him and I know you are struggling but so am I..... I am pregnant, supporting you and your family and looking after the kids alone whilst you are away and I am ill.
Like it or not you have to explain yourself.

In the mean time, put this phone away, do not keep looking at it's contents and try as hard as you can to put it to the back of your mind.

Eat soup and porridge, you should be able to keep it down and drink plenty.

Good luck. xx

[dequoisagitil]

I think you need a bit of time to get your head around what has happened.

It sounds like this has been more than an one-off, more a habit. You don't have to make any decisions straight away.

Don't feel that if you start off saying you want to make it work, for example, that you can't go back on that. Try to get yourself some time & space to think.

How you found it was innnocent, you have nothing to apologise for. You must be devastated.

Have you any non-linked-to-him friends?

[Zoonose]

Oh my goodness me. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I think the very first thing you must do is try and keep hydrated - if you can't eat then drink what you can, little sips, lots of, whatever feels most appealing to drink.

I think if it was me, and I appreciate I am not going through this right now, I would have to try and compartmentalise, if you see what I mean. I would have to take the shocking knowledge you have just had re your husband and put it to one side as much as possible, although clearly it is a terrible shock and will keep hitting. Focus on dealing with the aftermath of your father in law's death and then when your husband returns perhaps by that time when you have absorbed the discovery of those pictures and what that means, perhaps then you may be in a position to make decisions.

I am so sorry for you though - what you are going through must be awful.

[dequoisagitil]

It's more than a porn habit, if some pictures look like they included him, bubbblegum.

[dequoisagitil]

Good advice from 44so

[LostAndNeverFound]

Bubblegum you have very wise words, thank you.

Yes I have lots of non linked friends, I'm still in the town I born in and got a lot of friends I met at primary school still. The problem is I'm too proud to tell anyone my marriage is a sham. I'm embarrassed, and stupid as it sounds I don't want anyone to think badly of him. Even though I could rip him to shreds right now. Maybe it's a good thing he's away, I'll have time to get my he's around it.

Yes compartmentalising is a good idea, I'll try that thank you.

I'm only 26, I've got an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship so I need to be strong for her as well. She's struggling with her (step) grandfathers death, she's never met her dad or paternal grandparents. I know that's not relevant, I just have a lot going round in my head.

Thank you all again for your wise and kind words, I'll be back tomorrow at some point.

[dequoisagitil]

Sweetheart, I have been along your road - or a similar road anyway.

He did it to me again and again.

Your best bet, truly, is to bring it out into the open and have him have to prove himself in front of everyone. Keeping it hidden to protect his name just gives him license to repeat. He needs to feels the full consequences, if you are to have a hope of him changing.

[catwalker]

Lost - as the stuff you found is on an old phone is there any chance it pre-dates your relationship?

[Damash12]

Oh dear, you are having a really hard time and need to look after yourself first. The time he is away will give you plenty of time to think without having to make any decisions. If it is just porn pictures / vids I personally
wouldn't be overly worried as many many men do look at this stuff although if it is against your religion and he knows how you feel about it, that puts a totally different spin on it and you would need to talk about this. Now if you really think he is in the pics himself that is a totally different situation and you will need to have serious think of what this means to you. Again, the first think is to get as much rest as possible and stay healthy for your babies and dd's sake. I hope all works out and sorry again for your loss.

[LostAndNeverFound]

I'm still awake. Trying not to wake dd with my sobbing.

Cat - the phone is old as in he got a new phone last month, I dated the photos/vids in date order, so definitely not old.

He's just picked up my text and has sworn on his dads grave he's never touched anyone else since he's known me. But has admitted to looking at them (bit hard to get out of this one when all the evidence is there!)

I wish I was one of these women who could see it as 'just porn'. But I really can't, to me it's a form of cheating.

I feel grotesque, I'm only a size 10 yet feel so inadequate. I've always had low self esteem on the looks front, and now I've hit rock bottom. I can't see a way out. He knows that as well.

I'm going to do the sensible thing and do as the midwife advised and admit myself to hospital. As soon as I can sort my girls in the morning I'm going to do it. I don't know if that's a bit drastic but I need to think of my baby and eating and drinking right now is something I can't do. I know I have to but I can't. I feel so weak, not just physically but emotionally.

Sorry I'm rambling.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

They all swear on their Dad's grave ... or something similar... expect to discover it 'means nothing', was 'just a bit of fun', or that 'all men do it' and so on and so forth. You might even find he tries to make it your fault for not being the perfect wife.... that's bollocks as well, incidentally. When you've got the evidence staring you in the face, all the back-pedalling and excuses are frankly insulting.

You are not inadequate and this has nothing to do with the way you look. History is littered with beautiful, intelligent, strong, talented women who had the bad luck to get together with a shit of a man. Be angry with him, not angry with yourself.

Glad you are getting medical help and taking the midwife's advice. Sounds like you need it. Good luck

[meditrina]

I think you are doing the right thing is prioritising your health and seeking admission.

You do not need to tell anyone else what is happening until you are ready so to do; and a hospital stay (for which you can concentrate on the physical reasons) buys you time. I will also show you, I hope, that you have supportive RL finds who will look after your elder DC and who, given the chance, will help you.

Your husband's apparent porn habit (and whatever else) is his shame, not yours. You did not choose to live in a "sham marriage"; he imposed it on you. You need time and space to process this huge shock, and work out what you want in your future. You do not have to make any decisions straightaway.

[Back2Two]

Morning lostand
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such an awful time. I really feel for you, there is so much going on. You're doing the right thing by realising you can only really deal with the immediate priority: your health and well being.

There is some good advice on here. I don't really have any advice. But, when you say:

I wish I was one of these women who could see it as 'just porn'. But I really can't, to me it's a form of cheating..

I want you to know that the way you feel is totally valid and you don't have to feel bad because you can't somehow "make it ok" by excusing his actions and behaviour. I would feel the same as you. He is wrong.

Your reaction to this is totally valid. It is up to him to explain and to do whatever necessary to afterwards to support you and his family to be emotionally and practically looked after. WHATEVER you need from now on is what is important. He is also responsible for taking control of managing his grief alongside and separately to this issue. They are NOT connected.

Look after yourself and your dd. You can still respect his grief, but don't allow him to connect the the two issues and use grief as an excuse for not dealing with the betrayal of trust.

(((((a hug))))) if you want it.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

You definitely have the right to feel this way about porn. It would be a deal breaker for me too.

Him being in some of the videos etc does not surprise me - there is a strong link between porn and infidelity (esp via webcam, sex sites and escorts).

I am afraid you need to ask your midwife to check for STDs .

I would focus on looking after yourself and the DC.

When you feel up to it, get together all the necessary paperwork and financial information. Get advice from CAB then you will be in a better position to make an informed decision about what you want to do.

[LostAndNeverFound]

I've read all your kind replies, they're really helping, thanks.

I spoke to the midwife and went to see the doctor, he reckons she's being dramatic and I need to just drink. Easier said than done.

I can feel myself sinking into a pit of despair, and I'm drowning and don't know how to get out.

I'm going to rest today, try and drink and then see what tomorrow brings.

Thank you again for your responses.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Please do try and confide into one or two RL friends.

[LostAndNeverFound]

I can't, not yet. I was thinking about which one friend I would confide in, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

His younger brother called me from Pakistan this morning to say they were all really worried about him, so far he's been the strong one and now he's falling to pieces. He's inconsolable, he's suffered from mild depression in the past and I think this is going to trigger an episode.

I'm starting to feel really bad about bringing this up with him now, I should have waited until he was back and spoke to him face to face. I feel like this has now tainted his fathers death.

I'm not condoning what he has done, I feel sick just thinking about it, it's not ok and it's not acceptable, but I should have let him grieve for his father first.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It makes no material difference whether you'd mentioned this now or in a few days time. His father's still dead and he's still got some very dodgy stuff on his phone. If anything is 'tainted' he's done the tainting. Does his brother know what he's done to you? Is he trying to make you feel guilty?