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Think I Have Lost The Plot. Please Help.

(279 Posts)
TotalTizzy Mon 14-Jan-13 21:01:40

I've been with my P for two years (don't feel like I can add the 'D' in front). He was great for the first year but the second year has been difficult. He will be lovely for weeks on end and then out of the blue he will blow up over something or do something seemingly out of character. He has always been a bit funny about me going out with my friends but now it feels suffocating. He has started doing things like giving me the silent treatment when I get in or putting the deadlock (I think that is what it's called) across the door so that I can't open it from the outside. On the occasions when he has locked me out, I have spent up to half an hour ringing him and knocking on the door but he doesn't respond. I know he is awake because sometimes he cuts the calls off or answers and pretends he can't hear me. One time I actually saw him standing in the shadows of our bedroom window watching me getting tearful and panicky but he totally denies he did this.

Once a week I have a physio appointment after work and he will go out that evening without fail and get absolutely blind drunk. He always justifies it by saying "You were out of house having a good time so why shouldn't I?" Since when the hell has seeing the physio been classed as FUN? The next day he will give me three different variations of what he had got up to while he was on the piss and he always tells me that someone has chatted him up (usually a glamour model FFS). His stories never make sense and if they do then it sounds like he has rehearsed a watertight itinerary and tells me to call one of his friends to verify it (which I don't). I always feel worried when he goes out now - I honestly never used to care but now I feel very anxious. When I speak to him about it he just accuses me of being a control freak and of wanting to keep him under the thumb. Sometimes I ask him not to go out and I become very needy which causes arguments. I hate myself for being like this and I know he resents that behaviour because he tells me often enough.

Sometimes I try to have a normal adult conversation with him about something and he will turn it round on me and start going off on one. For example one time he was moaning about being skint and I said he should stop spending so much money on booze (he thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a bottle of champagne in a bar even though he is up to his eyeballs in debt. He never buys that when he's with me btw, only when he is out with his flash friends) He suddenly went beserk and started interrogating me about men I fancy asking me the same questions over and over again until I snapped. He then went very quiet and calm then said "I've caught you out. You're getting angry because you're a fucking liar." Two days later he booked us a last minute 'romantic' trip to Rome as a way of apologising.

I really think I am losing my mind. I honestly dont know what is going on from one day to the next. Whenever I threaten to leave there are tantrums, tears, proclamations of undying love and expensive gifts but then a few days later when the dust has settled he will make it known that I am the one who causes all the problems. Everyone thinks he is such a nice bloke and I doubt they would believe me if I told them what was really going on. I just don't know what to do. Last time I tried to leave him he locked me in our house and took away my phone, keys and purse until I "calmed down and saw sense "as he put it. He also said he loved me too much for me to walk away. It's like a rollercoaster except the highs and lows are getting more and more extreme. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I should leave but im scared.

ImperialBlether Mon 14-Jan-13 21:06:35

I'll read on, but as soon as I saw he locked you out of the house deliberately, my only answer could be to leave him.

IndiansInTheLobby Mon 14-Jan-13 21:06:48

I would get out of this. He seems emotionally abusive and controlling and I wouldn't trust him at all. I hope that you're ok.

MouseyHousey Mon 14-Jan-13 21:07:04

Please leave this horrible bully. You said he goes out every week when you go to your physio, take this time to pack up your stuff and leave! You do not deserve to be treated like this! Is the house rented or bought? Do you have joint finances?

StuffezLaBouche Mon 14-Jan-13 21:08:34

This is not a "roller-coaster," it is torture, pure and simple. He honestly, with no exaggeration, sounds like he could do you real and physical harm. You do know you can't be with this man, don't you?

ImperialBlether Mon 14-Jan-13 21:08:45

This man is a complete lunatic and you should leave before you lose your mind or even your life. I mean it.

I hope you don't have children together. Do you rent or do you co-own?

bigbuttons Mon 14-Jan-13 21:10:55

get out, just get out.

FreudianLisp Mon 14-Jan-13 21:11:47

He sounds like a nightmare. Is this what you want for your future? Please find a way to leave.

VitoCorleone Mon 14-Jan-13 21:12:04

He is an arsehole. You will be well rid of him.

VitoCorleone Mon 14-Jan-13 21:12:19

He is an arsehole. You will be well rid of him.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 14-Jan-13 21:14:23


All the reasons why are right there in your OP.


It won't be easy to leave such a man, so please steel yourself, cut all means of contact with him like phone and e-mail, and enlist the help of (a) trusted friend(s) to keep you strong, and safe.

TotalTizzy Mon 14-Jan-13 21:15:04

I am actually crying reading your replies, I honestly though I would be told I am overreacting as that is what he drills into me all the time. I am so glad I posted on here.
Imperial - we rent so that makes things easier than if we owned the place. What is the best way for me to deal with this please? Do I just up and leave when he is next out and then call the landlord, or do I speak to the landlord first? I dont want him knowing about my plan to go.
Thanks for the replies btw.

TotalTizzy Mon 14-Jan-13 21:16:40

Mousey - we have separate finances thank God. He has wanted a joint account for a long time but that is one thing I was firm about.
We don't have children either.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 14-Jan-13 21:17:31

OMG I just read your last paragraph after posting.

FGS leave, don't tell him face to face (text is fine once you are safely away, then change SIM card), have somewhere to go that he doesn't know where to find you, and call the police at the FIRST sign of stalking or intimidation.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 14-Jan-13 21:18:18

Your instinct is absolutely spot on that he shouldn't know your plans to leave ahead of time. Keep it that way.

StuffezLaBouche Mon 14-Jan-13 21:19:52

Total I am SO PLEASED you have no financial ties or dc with this dick.
There are posters who have more experience in this situation than me, they will tell you what you should do, but thank GOD you can cut off 100% from him - your OP made me feel sick sad

Pippinlongsocks Mon 14-Jan-13 21:20:39

If you can't leave straightaway because you have children then make a plan to. Research your entitlements and consider any possibility that will help you to walk away from this loser. Don't believe that it is you. it isn't. that's what he wants you to think to undermine you. this is an emotionally abusive relationship but when it is aimed at you it is hard to detach from it and see his behaviour for what it is. if you can do this it will help you to think clear and regain your confidence. Good luck xx. Be strong xx

IndiansInTheLobby Mon 14-Jan-13 21:20:42

I would pack a bag and go to family or friends. The other stuff can be sorted out after.

Pippinlongsocks Mon 14-Jan-13 21:23:52

Sorry hadn't seen you say you don't have children. That's a relief then, no reason to stay for any more of his crap. he sounds like a psycho. You deserve better. Xxx

SkaffenAmtiskaw Mon 14-Jan-13 21:24:57

Total, I think you should leave first and speak to your landlord once you are in a safe place. Good luck.

Robomummy Mon 14-Jan-13 21:30:48

Leave, pack up your things when he isn't around and go, somewhere he doesn't know where you are. You don't owe him anything, he's controlling and abusive. Have you people to talk to in RL?

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 21:32:16

He will be lovely for weeks on end and then out of the blue he will blow up over something or do something seemingly out of character

No, love, the horrible bits are his real character and if you stay and accept this kind of abusive treatment they wil get closer and closer until you are leaving with a monster 100% of the time

Abusers are always nice at first, or else we would just tell them to fuck off after the first date, wouldn't we

Now dry your tears, thank whatever deity is up there looking down on you and rejoice in the fact that you have woken up before you got in any deeper

leave him, any way you can and i think your instinct to not let him know what you are planning says it all really

you are frightened of him, aren't you ?

MouseyHousey Mon 14-Jan-13 21:37:33

I agree with a pp who said to talk to the landlord once you are in a safe place. I would just leave when he is out next. I have to say though I would pack up as much as you possibly can, dont leave any reason to go back or for him to have to bring you anything, I wouldnt trust him with your stuff.
Also agree with getting a new cheap payg phone so he cant contact you.
Do you gave family/ friends you can stay with?
Im so so glad you are making a plan. Well done, things will get better!

ScubaSarah Mon 14-Jan-13 21:38:26

He is emotionally abusive and starting to be physically controlling. This is not your fault in any way shape or form. Please leave before it escalates any further. As a previous poster said, don't try to do it face2face, it's unlikely to end well.
Be safe and good luck. You deserve so much better x
Does he know where you work and or friends addresses?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 14-Jan-13 21:39:29

Please leave. Your OP is chilling.

Delete your browsing history, cover your tracks.

Leave and do not go back to pick up a forgotten book/jumper and do go and not meet up with him alone to "discuss the relationship" or any other excuse he may give you.

He sounds unstable and ready to do damage.

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