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Can a person ever really change (i think i know the answer but need to hear it)

(20 Posts)
SwitchedtoEatingCheese Mon 14-Jan-13 14:47:59

After far too long putting up with my husbands bad behaviour He finally left on the 2nd Jan. He has never been violent towards me but basically preferred sitting on his computer drinking and not taking part in family life .

This included staying in bed all day while I do pretty much everything in the house and look after our children. Moaned and was generally nasty to me if he had to look after the kids while I was at work, or if the house was messy. But mainly it was his drinking. He didn't drink every night but did every weekend, and when we went on holiday it was 'his holiday' and he was allowed to relax (yip guess who looked after the kids).

It all came to a head over new year and I asked him to leave. He did.

But now he is claiming to be a changed man and doesn't want to lose us and claims not to have had a drink since new year, and wants to prove himself to us.

Its bullshit isn't it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 14-Jan-13 14:50:25

100% bovine.... Amazing how many get that Road to Damascus Moment just as their sorry backside is hitting the pavement and the world looks a lonely, chilly place. I've not had a drink since New Year either.... ffs it's only been a fortnight! hmm.

Stay strong.

meditrina Mon 14-Jan-13 14:51:09

Actually, I do think people can change.

But it requires serious effort over months, if not years, not random protestations after less than a fortnight.

CailinDana Mon 14-Jan-13 14:56:45

Yes people can change, but it's rare, and it takes a huge effort. IMO a sudden "change" when pushed is just about guaranteed to be bullshit - why didn't seeing you struggle all these years change him? Why did you have to throw him out before it even occurred to him that he should actually participate in family life?

Anyway it doesn't really matter if he's changed or not- could you really take him back and love and respect him after he treated you so badly for so long?

Doinmummy Mon 14-Jan-13 15:02:26

I don't think he could have hanged in such a short space of time. What's the betting that if he came back he'd be exactly the same .

Hatpin Mon 14-Jan-13 15:03:09

Life is always better without a selfish, entitled man in it.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Mon 14-Jan-13 15:28:20

Thank you all!

I know you are right. Its not the first time he has promised to change. And despite all his protestations that he has changed I can still see signs that he not. For example he was taking the kids on saturday, but no he didn't want to pick them up at 9.30 to take the to their sports club, he would wait and pick them up after lunch (said in a manner that he was doing me a favour).

And, this does sound petty, i know, but he took them to the park on saturday and when they came home on sunday ds2's shoes were absolutely filthy. I'm not looking for a militry polish but ffs, give them a wipe with a baby wipe before putting them on!

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Mon 14-Jan-13 15:30:01

military polish even!

Lovingfreedom Mon 14-Jan-13 15:30:28

It is bullshit. He's turning on the charm cos he wants things back to 'normal'. Well done on getting him out. Make a list of reasons why you wanted him to leave and read it every time you start wavering. Good luck..!! (it does get easier once you start getting a life of your own established).

Floralnomad Mon 14-Jan-13 15:33:33

I also believe people can change but I would want to see firm evidence of it over a period of months before I ( in your position) would consider having him back.

Lovingfreedom Mon 14-Jan-13 15:45:44

He's not had a drink since New Year - so for 2 weeks?
What other evidence that he's changed? He's still messing you about with the kids.
Try thinking about what it would take for you to want a guy like this in your life...what does he actually have to offer...not just about how bad it has to get before you chuck him out. You've done really well getting him out...don't make it easy for him to come back. Think really really hard before you let this opportunity slip.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Mon 14-Jan-13 15:56:39

list of reasons not to have him back:

I don't love him
I don't even like him
The thought of having sex with him - ehhh
My children don't miss him at all (so shows me how 'involved' he was with them)
Despite his protestations that I never did my share of housework, my house is much tidier without him and his smelly cigarettes.
I can leave a dish on the worktop without fear of an argument.
I know no one is going to wake me up pissed at 4 in the morning wanting an argument.
I don't have to listen to that noise that he calls music
I don't ever have to be embarrassed or cover up by his drunken behaviour again.

Reasons to have him back:

My spare wheel is still in the garage and needs to be attached back under my car and I'll have to do it myself.

meditrina Mon 14-Jan-13 15:58:21

You could try bribing a neighbour with Hobnobs/nice bottle to do the wheel?

nellyjelly Mon 14-Jan-13 16:00:08

Of course people can change but they often need help and it isn't easy.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Mon 14-Jan-13 16:02:19

Please don't talk about hobnobs. I'm on a diet after comfort eating for too long. There are no biscuits allowed in a 100 metre radius of my house!

Lovingfreedom Mon 14-Jan-13 16:12:35

Yes, your list is very convincing. Copy that down onto a small card or into your phone and keep with you at all times. Look at it whenever you start to waver. It's not the man that you are missing, but the person that you had told yourself that he might be and the life you thought you were going to have. Your spare wheel problem is nothing a trip to Quickfit in a tight t-shirt and a nice smile won't fix wink or if you feel you'd rather, pay someone to do it.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Mon 14-Jan-13 16:34:03

It's not the man that you are missing, but the person that you had told yourself that he might be and the life you thought you were going to have.

that is so true.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 14-Jan-13 16:36:39

You had me at 'cigarettes'... <bleurrrgghhhh>

overbythere Mon 14-Jan-13 16:44:26

You have asked a serious question but I can't help but laugh at some of the comments here. I am in exactly the same position as you except my ex left nearly a year ago. He says he has suddenly seen the light (!) and wants to try again. I am thinking of the list of jobs around the house that need doing and how life would be easier if only I had a handy man. Apart from the drinking bit, my list of reasons would be the same as yours! I will do what you do.

SwitchedtoEatingCheese Mon 14-Jan-13 17:08:11

overbythere I've become pretty handy with a paintbrush/screwdriver/staple gun/ tube of superglue over the years of having to do it myself.

I'll come and help you. We don't need bloody crap men.

I suspect my MIL uncomfy sofa bed (where husband is staying) is a driving factor in him 'seeing the light'

(hopes that overbythere lives in a sunny seaside location...)

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