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Ending my affair but still care about OM

(56 Posts)
ivebeenverysilly Sun 13-Jan-13 09:21:13

Firstly can I say I know what I've done is wrong, hurtful, selfish and immature. I'm only human and clearly have some big flaws. Flame me if you want but I am really looking for helpful advice.

I Met OM through a sports club last summer and became acquaintances. This gradually developed into friends and over the past 2 months we have been meeting up (behind our spouses backs) for coffee, dinner, talking. We have kissed on several occasions but not taken it further.

Cliched but we are both having problems at home. He has TOLD me he loves me (I'm under no illusions that he probably doesn't and is either saying this because he thinks he does or because he wants to take things further). However I cannot stop myself thinking that he is a genuinely nice bloke. I ended things with him on Friday night - many reasons but the main few are (1) people will get hurt because of our selfishness and I don't want that. (2) I can't deal with lying to my h. We have our issues but he doesn't deserve this. (3) I feel really disrespectful to his w who (from what I know) has her own issues too (who doesnt)but definitely doesn't deserve this. (4) the "emotional" affair bit I can get my head around easier but the fact he'd be quite happy to meet up in hotels for sex (I imagine from what he's said though he hasn't suggested) makes me think he's gutless. He tells me he hasn't had sex with wife for 7 months and I have told him flat I think that's bollocks but he is all 'I promise I'm not lying to you".

Now - my question is, is there any way we can still be friends as I genuinely care about him. When I told him I needed to end it he was upset and understanding in equal measure, said he needs to sort his life out, says he knows I deserve better etc etc. I have told him to put the energy he put into me back to his wife and do all he can to work on his marriage, see if he can fix it and really try. I've told him that me being in the picture won't help him do that. But he still wants to talk to me, text me etc and to be honest whilst I care about him I could do without being his marriage counsellor/steam let off person.

I am hurting too as I really liked him and he made me feel like I haven't felt for about 10 years (bearing in mind I've been with dh 8 yrs that isn't great). I know ending it is the right thing - to be honest I can't believe I even took it that far but we all make mistakes.

What can I do now to minimise the hurt to everyone but keep my friend? Or am I living in la la land?

Pinkypoops Thu 17-Jan-13 10:51:41

Yup, that´s right and it´s DAMN hard!! You will probably think about him constantly, want to check up on him via Facebook or wherever else you can access him....feel like a piece of you has been torn off...all that stuff.
Strong feelings can´t just disappear overnight!
But just know that you CAN do it and that it DOES get a whole lot better.
Time is your best friend!
I tried to do the same as you: end it but still keep in touch. One week in tears then a tweet, a Whatsapp message, an email and I was back to a full-on relationship again.
Then I realised it really had to end and so resolved absolutely NO contact and it worked but I felt like total crap for the 1st 3 weeks. Much better now :-)
It´s cold turkey time! Sorry!
Good luck xx

ivebeenverysilly Thu 17-Jan-13 15:53:51

How far into the cold turkey are you pinky?

BlueSkybytheSea Thu 17-Jan-13 19:01:16

Been going through something very very similar so Pinky its good to know that the mist eventually clears. Like you I thought I could do the whole controlled friendship / contact thing but it just didn't work and was just wrong on so many levels.
I'm struggling though. Five ish weeks in and I am still bowled over by the strength of feelings that I still hold and the overwhelming urge to make contact in some way...which I'm not doing and won't do. It just hurts so much. I know I've done the right thing and am constantly reminding myself why this has to be, but damn it hurts so much.
Anyone know if the Shirley Glass book gives advice on this aspect of surviving and recovering from an EA? Waiting for it to arrive.
Its so hard but the only way. Especially hard for you

Pinkypoops Thu 24-Jan-13 22:08:15

Sorry, IBVS and Bluesky...been away for a week...... well, I guess I am about 6 weeks into the cold turkey so not as far along as I seem!!
I go through days where I still find it very very hard and yes, Bluesky, so tempting to just quickly check in and see how he is!! Yet we know that it will just be SO counter-productive, don´t we??
I think I see things in a more objective light now and how impossible a future with the OM would be....but it doesn´t stop the feelings from sometimes resurging! :-( IBVS: I am nowhere out of the woods yet, but I have gotten over that initial knife to the chest feeling! that any comfort?
If anything, apart from the fact I was very attached to this guy, I am not deluding myself I don´t think, and I recognise that a lot of it was the IDEA of him and what he represented,,,,The NEW, the EXCITING. An ESCAPE from the everyday humdrum, etc etc.
I think in part I am also mourning THAT......the glimpse of freedom that I had.
But this is perhaps a whole OTHER thread ..... one about the validity of marriage as a real happily ever after idea. Not convinced it´s really what I want for my next 40+ years on this planet :-( Ahhhh, now .....maybe I´ll just go and kick off another debate in a mo, shall I?....hee hee
How is it going with you two anyway??x

ivebeenverysilly Tue 29-Jan-13 14:37:14

Well it's good to know it gets easier. I haven't found that at all yet. I hate it. I miss him and am miserable at home. I feel trapped.

blue and pinky - did you ever think you might be able to make it work with the OM? I am still at the stage where I think we would be really good together and that is the part which is difficult. I have also been wondering whether to read Shirley glass although no idea how I would get it in the house!

nightcat Tue 29-Jan-13 15:45:32

I am trying to get over a guy using ALan Carr technique of picturing him in a distasteful/ugly/nasty situation every time thoughts come to my head, I keep reminding myself thoughts are in MY control and try and replace them with something better/different/more relevant to MY life. 2 months now and it's almost over.

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