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Ending my affair but still care about OM

(56 Posts)
ivebeenverysilly Sun 13-Jan-13 09:21:13

Firstly can I say I know what I've done is wrong, hurtful, selfish and immature. I'm only human and clearly have some big flaws. Flame me if you want but I am really looking for helpful advice.

I Met OM through a sports club last summer and became acquaintances. This gradually developed into friends and over the past 2 months we have been meeting up (behind our spouses backs) for coffee, dinner, talking. We have kissed on several occasions but not taken it further.

Cliched but we are both having problems at home. He has TOLD me he loves me (I'm under no illusions that he probably doesn't and is either saying this because he thinks he does or because he wants to take things further). However I cannot stop myself thinking that he is a genuinely nice bloke. I ended things with him on Friday night - many reasons but the main few are (1) people will get hurt because of our selfishness and I don't want that. (2) I can't deal with lying to my h. We have our issues but he doesn't deserve this. (3) I feel really disrespectful to his w who (from what I know) has her own issues too (who doesnt)but definitely doesn't deserve this. (4) the "emotional" affair bit I can get my head around easier but the fact he'd be quite happy to meet up in hotels for sex (I imagine from what he's said though he hasn't suggested) makes me think he's gutless. He tells me he hasn't had sex with wife for 7 months and I have told him flat I think that's bollocks but he is all 'I promise I'm not lying to you".

Now - my question is, is there any way we can still be friends as I genuinely care about him. When I told him I needed to end it he was upset and understanding in equal measure, said he needs to sort his life out, says he knows I deserve better etc etc. I have told him to put the energy he put into me back to his wife and do all he can to work on his marriage, see if he can fix it and really try. I've told him that me being in the picture won't help him do that. But he still wants to talk to me, text me etc and to be honest whilst I care about him I could do without being his marriage counsellor/steam let off person.

I am hurting too as I really liked him and he made me feel like I haven't felt for about 10 years (bearing in mind I've been with dh 8 yrs that isn't great). I know ending it is the right thing - to be honest I can't believe I even took it that far but we all make mistakes.

What can I do now to minimise the hurt to everyone but keep my friend? Or am I living in la la land?

DontmindifIdo Mon 14-Jan-13 11:10:01

If your DH has been violent, I wouldn't recommend you tell him about the affair at all.

You need to end your relationship with OM (IMO you need to cut all contact for at least 6, probably more like 12 months in order to let yourself 'get over' it - after that there's a chance you could be friends, but probably highly unlikely)

At the moment, the affair is clouding your issues with your DH, I think you are probably feeling guilty and therefore not dealing with your marriage problems.

Another thing to think about, does OM know about your H hitting you? If so, think about this, he knows you are vunerable and rather than being a friend that you need, he's exploited that vunerablity. A friend after hearing your DH hit you would probably try to talk you into leaving him, but for your OM, as he has a W he's not leaving, I would suggest he really wouldn't want you to leave your DH as that would mean he is then the only one with something to lose and you might actually expect him to do something about his marriage.

ivebeenverysilly Mon 14-Jan-13 11:16:15

I have no intention of telling dh about the affair. The thought of his face if he found out breaks me to be honest. So I must love something about him!?

OM does know that dh hit me. He has asked me about my marriage but I don't like to talk to him about it. He talks about his a lot though. Sounds like he has bigger problems than me but as I always read on here "you can't believe what OM says about his marriage" etc etc. He says he doesn't think his marriage will last but he needs to think about it before he walks out as he has ds and dd. I don't want him to walk out - I have told him that. He thinks he's in love with me but I think we are 2 people both vulnerable who have found each other at the right/WRONG time. I have lost respect for him by the way he seems to have just 'checked out' of his marriage (again I only know what he tells me) but I feel so lonely in my marriage that I enjoy the contact with OM and the fact he makes me feel wanted again. (I know - its a cliche)

ivebeenverysilly Mon 14-Jan-13 11:18:43

I think OM thinks if he left his wife I would leave my dh. But I don't want to leave dh for someone. I want to leave dh as its not right. Ditto for OM, of he leaves his wife for me that would be too much pressure and too much guilt, but if we have no contact and both decide separately to end our marriages then who knows? But for me they have to be separate issues. It's just so complicated.

Stellios - don't even go there!!!

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 11:23:15

Did you post about it at the time (when your H hit you)?

Look, so you forgave him for his domestic abuse of you. You can change your mind any time. You say something has died in your feelings for him. Well, no wonder.

End your marriage and free yourself for a good relationship. This one isn't it though. And no, you cannot remain "friends" with him, that ship sailed a long time ago.

dequoisagitil Mon 14-Jan-13 11:35:42

Individual counselling would help you sort out your feelings, to help you work out where you want to go from here.

As AF says, you can change your mind about trying to make it work. You have tried, but something has died, and sometimes no matter how hard you try there's no going back.

FaxMactor Mon 14-Jan-13 11:45:56

Never, ever decieve your husband...never.
Deceit, lies and dishonesty are like a cancer.

Either work on your own relationship or end it...don't mess up somebody elses as well as your own.

Deceit leaves a very bitter taste.

Spice up your own relationship and make sure your partner gets plenty of loving and maybe you will rekindle what you had at the start of your relationship.
Too many women forget that intimacy and sex was one of the reasons you got together in the first place.

Don't have any contact with this other man he's after only one thing...and you should be giving that to your husband

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 12:05:12

There is no "should" where OP's husband is concerned either.

No man (husband, partner, potential OM, God's Gift to Womankind) "should" get sex from anyone.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Jan-13 12:06:09

This man has hit this woman. "Make sure your partner gets plenty of loving" is fucking awful advice.

ivebeenverysilly Mon 14-Jan-13 12:10:17

That's part of the issue - I dont want to be physical with him anymore. A hug is one thing but anything passionate feels violent. He not into violent sex or anything but it just doesn't feel right. I have been having sex with dh - mostly me initiating to be honest as I thought if I just got on with it, it would be ok. I know that sounds crazy.

I also wonder whether I don't want to be physical anymore because I want to be physical with OM.

PeppermintPasty Mon 14-Jan-13 12:18:51

What is your H doing about sorting this out? You say he's working very hard on it, would he go for some counselling on his own? And the medication, I may have missed this, but what is it for and could he change it/come off it?

However, I'm more concerned with you-counselling for you (on your own) may help you sort out all the questions in your head to help you see where you go from here.

ivebeenverysilly Mon 14-Jan-13 12:46:37

H isn't doing anything apart from being nice and trying to be a good eg. Housework etc but we haven't really talked about it since. He talked about counselling at the time and I said go for it but he never did.

This sounds so dumb but do I just google - counselling - to find someone to see or is it a relate type company I look for?

ivebeenverysilly Mon 14-Jan-13 12:47:00

He's changed medication after discussing with doctor

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 14-Jan-13 13:04:25

If your husband isn't serious enough about counselling to sort it out himself, even after promising he would, whatever you arrange for him will not be enough.

It would be a great idea for you, though. Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza Mon 14-Jan-13 13:05:02

Medication did not make him hit you. I'm so sorry.

Narked Mon 14-Jan-13 13:14:02

You know there are lots of lovely men out there who would never hit their partner or lie to them and cheat on them. You might want to think about being single for a while and then meeting one of them.

Natmu Mon 14-Jan-13 13:28:29

You can be referred for counselling through your GP (free) or you can google for private ones in your area (not sure how much this costs) or if you work in public sector sometimes you can get some sessions through occupational health department (also free).

Your situation sounds horrible OP. I hope you find the right solution for you soon. <Hugs>

badinage Mon 14-Jan-13 14:22:07

In truth, there's too much going on here for you to see anything clearly.

You'd already met this bloke when your husband hit you and we've all said this was never a friendship but an affair in the making, so although racking it up a notch might have been a punishment I don't think it's as neat and tidy as you're suggesting. Similarly, I doubt that the coldness towards sex with your husband is entirely because of the violent episode. Seeing as most women having an affair go off sex with their husband, the affair's responsible for most of that I'd have thought......

Contrary to others, I do think that bad medication can induce someone to behave out of character and if there was no violence before or since he got that fixed, it looks more likely that it was the medication and not the man himself.

It's possible though that something would have died in your anyway after your husband hit you and I'd understand that. But you were already heading towards an affair when that happened, so you've just muddled your own waters and your powers of rational thought.

I agree with whoever said that the OM is no friend if he's having an affair with a woman whose husband has been violent. I also think he's probably exaggerating the unhappiness in his marriage.

Your best way of having any clarity at all about your marriage is to have no contact at all with the OM. Same for him, really.

If you separate this one-off incident from everything else you say about your husband, it sounds like your marriage could be saved.

Do go for counselling on your own though, but remember you'll sabotage it if you stay in contact with the married man and that will be a huge waste of time and money.

LessMissAbs Mon 14-Jan-13 14:44:29

Do you want to leave your husband? Have you discussed OM leaving his wife? Just to see how he reacts to that suggestion? Because thats a better solution than "being friends" - as pointed out above, you are not friends, and if you do genuinely care for each other more than your current spouses, then you will find a way to make it work.

What is it about men in sports clubs? Is this a sport both of you are quite keen on/compete in? I do triathlon, which involves running, cycling and swimming, and from since I started aged 21 right up until now in my late thirties, have been literally plagued by annoying married men "whose wives aren't interested in sport". Why the fuck don't they bloody marry a woman interested in the same things as them then? Sorry to hijack your thread OP! But be wary of the sort of man who likes the nice little quiet wife at home and who also likes a bit on the side in their secret life that the wife isn't allowed to be involved in.

badinage Mon 14-Jan-13 14:51:22

My guess is that this bloke is professing undying love and exaggerating wildly about everything because he hasn't yet had a shag. Once he has, just watch those feet getting colder......

Agree about sports clubs.

ivebeenverysilly Tue 15-Jan-13 08:43:42

Maybe that's true. I do believe what he says though. Maybe I am being a mug.
We spoke yesterday. I know - I need to cut him out - stupid me

dequoisagitil Tue 15-Jan-13 09:42:45

He's a distraction, love, he's not the answer.

It's far easier to fill your head with romantic frissons about this OM than it is to actually face up to what's going on in your marriage. You're avoiding reality by indulging in this EA.

I'm not unsympathetic, by any means, but you would be better dealing with your marriage.

If the EA comes out, it will likely be seen by your dh as evening out the abusive behaviour, and maybe you'll even see it that way too - maybe rather than it becoming an exit affair you'll end up feeling you have to keep going in a marriage where something has died. Please sort out what you want, whether you can fix the marriage (I rather think not) and move forward from there.

Pinkypoops Tue 15-Jan-13 13:36:17

These things happen to vulnerable people and I would never judge you for getting into the situation but well done for ending it- that takes huge strength! What I would say, is that your hormones/infatuation/whateveryoucallit are clouding your perspective (I am speaking from having gone through a similar experience) at the moment. If you manage to keep your distance for just a few weeks and busy yourself with your real life again, you will probably find when the "love-mist" clears, that you see him more objectively and will find he is not half as sweet as you think!
You will probably find, he has NO longterm interest in friendship with you and once he knows sex is never on the cards, he´ll vanish pretty fast....my guess anyway FWIW.wink
Stay strong and keep away. It will get easier after about the third week, if not sooner.
Good luck xx

badinage Tue 15-Jan-13 14:09:05

You haven't ended the affair if you're still in contact with him.

I'll tell you what's motivating the OM - and it's not friendship or love.

It's the prospect of some new sex and the feeling that he's rescuing a damsel in distress who's trapped in a violent, unhappy marriage. This all makes him feel like some sort of hero.

I doubt his wife would see it quite the same.

Look at this logically. He's shitting all over his wife and treating her like crap in order to rescue a woman whose husband he thinks is shitting all over her and treating her like crap.

Go figure how you can ever make that logic 'work'......

ivebeenverysilly Wed 16-Jan-13 15:15:17

You're right. It hasn't really ended at all has it.
God I'm weak sad

ivebeenverysilly Wed 16-Jan-13 15:17:02

Pinkypoops - good advice about the third week.
I have to just cut him out don't I. No coffees, no calls etc. nothing. He is someone else's husband and I am someone else's wife

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