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Reasons not to have an affair

(253 Posts)
Callyfornication Sat 12-Jan-13 22:00:53

Ok..... I am 23, he is 33. Ive been single for 5 months and he's married with a baby. Predictably, we work together, and we have to travel to France 1 week every 8 weeks. We went to France 2 weeks ago and on 1 night, after a lot of wine we ended up in his hotel room. Tbh I feel like it's been building up for ages and he's been the one putting the effort in buttttt he is fit and really sweet and I have enjoyed it....

Pleased to report we didn't kiss or shag but he gave it his best shot. I slurred about his marital vows and left.... I feel like a bit of an idiot for getting into that situation and can't guarantee if it happen again I wouldn't do it though, and the sexual tension is sky high. Ive spoken to a couple of mates about it who have all said they would have gone there which has made me feel a bit less guilty (but also less confident of what I'd do if theres a next time).

Advice? Could everyone tell me all the horror stories and worst cases so I don't go there....?

Looksgoodingravy Wed 16-Jan-13 19:00:06

Great post by Fairy!

The ripples of deceit spread far and wide.

I wouldn't be surprised if the wife already feels something isn't quite right at home. Maybe she's been told all is well, maybe she's been led to believe it's all in her head? Who knows, but you can at least hold your head up high (if you choose the right path) knowing you weren't a part of the cause of that pain and you would be if this continues.

Fairypants Wed 16-Jan-13 17:54:29

Firstly, OP, it sounds like you have your head on straight in terms of keeping out of what can only develop into something awkward.
Secondly, I'd like to try to explain why so much anger is aimed at the OW (or potential OW). Other people may have experienced this differently, however, as the wife in a very similar scenario, I feel such an unbelievable amount of pain that there aren't words. Physical, sickening pain whenever I think about it. It is fairly natural to want to blame someone and to vent but I have to see dh and know all his reasons and issues. I have to have an ongoing relationship with him (even if I left, I'd have to negotiate and talk to the kids about him). I don't and will never know her. It is therefore safe to vent in her direction in a completely hysterical manner without any fear of consequences to her or anyone else. I feel you may have got a bit of a taste of that by association which should at least give you an idea of what people would be like if you actually did something.
Thirdly, a reason not to do it - 'my' OW ended it after days because DH clearly felt so bad about it. That can't have been fun for her and wasn't really worth the fallout to everyone concerned (including her).
Finally, I once worked with a guy who was really fit and really sweet and married with a baby. The real reason we all found him so sweet and attractive was because he was the 'perfect' husband and father. When he got off with one of the girls, the shine went!!
I hope you manage to pull yourself out of this situation. It sounds like you have a plan. smile

DontmindifIdo Wed 16-Jan-13 15:02:30

Worsestershiresauce - it's really sad isn't it? The guys in question never get a reputation, or if they do, it's not seen as a bad thing.

Meant to see, even when it's a "happily ever after" (I do know 3 couples who met at work and went on to get married) the assumption from bosses was once they were living together, one of them would start looking for a new job. Always the woman left (although to be fair, in all three, the woman was the more junior person), and it always ended up being a sideways career step at best.

worsestershiresauce Wed 16-Jan-13 14:18:37

DontmindifIdo - I worked with a very nice girl, who because she had dated (ok slept with) one or two guys from the office was known as 'the office bike' and wasn't taken seriously. It was sad for her. The men in question weren't married either. Sexism in the work place is alive and well.

pickledsiblings Wed 16-Jan-13 09:19:14

Sound like good advice to me DontmindifIdo.

DontmindifIdo Wed 16-Jan-13 08:33:31

OP - you really need to get your CV updated and out there. No way you haven't already been noticed in the office. It's amazing how people think they have been discreet but really everyone knows. Thing is, even if you don't do anything now, the effect on your repuation is pretty much the same - men are never judged as harshly - although he might be assumed to be only trying to pull you to get favours at work if you're senior to him. (that makes you look both slutty and an object of pity, only being shagged for the career benefit for someone else).

It's not right that woman usually are judged harder in a work situation for sleeping with colleagues (particularly married ones) but it's a simple fact that in most industries, that's the case.

In the same way if you ever had period pain at work you never mention it, your colleagues who are working mothers will come into work when close to death themselves and will go that extra mile to prove they aren't flaky, if you want to do well long term, you need to be more professional than the boys, not less. You are very, very young, you may not have experienced a lot of the more subtle sexism at work, you might have bought the lie that men and woman are now treated equally in the work place, that's bollocks.

Putting aside the morals of sleeping with a married man, focus on your career path and you need to recognise as a woman, your career is basically made or lost in your 20s, if you want children of your own, how badly your career suffers from that will depend on what level you've got to at that point, what flexibility you've got, how much effort the company puts in to retaining you etc will come down to what you are worth. You can't afford to shove your career onto a slow track for 2-3 years in your mid 20s due to being seen as a bit of a joke in the company. It might be by the time you realise what you've done to your career it's too late.

The phrase "never dip your pen in the company inkwell" comes to mind - that and the one about not pissing on your own doorstep.

Flirtations at work should never lead to one to one lunches and dinners, secret dating and the like. Relationships at work always damage the way you are seen unless they end in a 'happily ever after'. Now you've been linked to one bloke at work (and you will be, people will have noticed!), be linked to another and that's it, game over for your career in that company. If it's the sort of industry where people know each other and gossip, you will be "the girl who worked her way through all the guys at X company" and that reputation will go with you.

Date outsiders from now on.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 16-Jan-13 08:31:59

The OP asked for 'horror stories' stating that the 'sexual tension was high' and that she 'wouldn't guarantee things wouldn't happen if there were a next time' so she got those opinions from some posters! THAT'S what the original thread was about!

I knew the difference between right and wrong well before I was 23 but then we're all different and whether you like it or not you would be partly responsible for the break up of a marriage if you take this further.

redbunnyfruitcake Wed 16-Jan-13 06:43:24

Yes Midnight I agree. The sad thing is the OP asked for honest opinions and got some. Not everybody is gong to be as generous as the OP might like especially those women whose families have been torn apart by such self centred, immature behaviour. Yes the OP is young and deserves to make mistakes but it's not fair to expect women who have been hurt in this manner not to have some pretty strong reactions. She was treated very well on this forum by women who are obviously being objective and wise. It could have been a whole lot worse. Throwing opinions back at posters as misogynistic generalisations proves that this poster has already made up her mind about her place in 'the sisterhood' and it seems to fall on the side of those poor erring men who just cannot control themselves.

MrsHoarder Wed 16-Jan-13 03:44:10

Because sleeping with someone you work with is liable to screw up your career

Because you would waste time on someone who isn't available when if you want children you should already be looking for someone suitable to raise them with.

Because if he's willing to sleep with you with a wife and baby at home then he's barely worth wiping your shoes on.

MidnightMasquerader Wed 16-Jan-13 03:28:42

"I chose the forum because I've read heartbreaking tales about infidelity here"

So do the right thing, then. Or not. 'tevs, really...

I dunno, it's all a bit drama-llama, angsty, high school, attention-seeky, at this point. And I'm feeding it....!

Good luck, Cally. smile

Monty27 Wed 16-Jan-13 01:19:58

Possibly I was brought up the same as you.

I'm sorry if I offended you in any way. I'm older now and have worked through my upbringing. I've brought my dc's through the RC church and education, they're older teens now and very broad minded etc. They had my take on it, I was always of the belief that, one day they would make their own minds up, but that was the way I chose to raise them. They are quite at liberty as adults, and I can assure you they are not damaged in any way. -and I'm not jealous honest grin

Oh this is a hijack.

I do apologise though if I offended you, it was just how I worked through stuff myself.


QueenofPlaids Wed 16-Jan-13 01:11:12

Monty27 - please don't tell me what I do and do not have thank you very much.

I don't know what you are getting at tbh. The Catholicism I was raised in had a lot more things one ought to feel guilty for and a greater degree of shame / penance than the world sees. The fact that I am an atheist is largely irrelevant to the current argument.

That said, I don't want to hijack the OP's thread. What I was really trying to get at is that your behaviour may have to pass through multiple filters and your 'less horny' filter is likely to have a poor view of sleeping with married men based on your posts.

Monty27 Wed 16-Jan-13 00:50:28

*morals ?

Monty27 Wed 16-Jan-13 00:49:59

Queen you don't have a catholic guilt system

Don't confuse that with morales.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Wed 16-Jan-13 00:43:03

Sexual tension -v- Common Sense.

Been there, done it, was a guy at work too. Sexual tension tends to win most of the time. I haven't read the whole thread so no doubt I am repeating what others have said but please try your hardest not to go there. It will not end well. Oh yes, it will feel like fun for a while but inevitably ends in disaster all round.

I could write a book on this.

QueenofPlaids Wed 16-Jan-13 00:42:41

I had a huge amount written before DP's iPad ate it can't wait for new laptop

A lot has been mentioned upthread. I can't give you an OW perspective in full I'm afraid, but DP and I did get together when I was close to marrying another man. It's all a it grey, but essentially I cheated in a relatively small way (drunken kiss) fessed up before actually 'cheating' iykwim and we split. There was a bit of complexity around open relationships, but we decided that wouldn't work for us.

It's all good, we're getting married. Ex-DP is married and we are friends as a family, but that took a good while. In a bizarre way, I'd probably do more for them than vice versa because of my guilt. More than 10 years on I accept that this is properly weird.

Is there a point? Possibly. I have a horrible Catholic guilt system despite my atheistic tendencies, so I do at times feel terribly guilty for things in the past that others may shelve. I suggest that the fact you mention your morals may place you in the same position.

Finally it doesn't seem like you think this is the love of our life. If your really thought that, I'd be having a lot of honest conversations without shagging. I feel a bit glasshouse saying this, but DP, ExDP and I were all early to mid-20s when our 'drama' happened and we had no DC, which I suspect is the biggest difference. TBH at your age, (unless you are deeply drive by children) unless they are fantastic I'd be avoiding people with existing DC anyway.

howdoo Wed 16-Jan-13 00:42:29

Hillary, did you mean to be quite so offensive?

Cally strikes me as taking things on board, not getting defensive/aggressive and she DIDN'T SHAG HIM.

SparkleSoiree Wed 16-Jan-13 00:40:17

Lack of respect is a cause of damage to many things including marriage.

Self respect, respect for others, if it's non existent then nothing is treated with value. Its really sad.

Monty27 Wed 16-Jan-13 00:35:17

Well said Ginger [applause]

OP marriage should always be respected, whether it's yours or someone else's.

HillaryClitoris Wed 16-Jan-13 00:13:37

stories upon stories... this girl is fucked for marriage in the future and this is the way today, more than half of marriages resulting in divorce, two thirds of Fathers losing contact with children after seperation or divorce, the welfare state and feminist doctrintation... there you go kids, it's fucked.

Damash12 Wed 16-Jan-13 00:00:32

You've fallen for the flattery, the charm, the attention. Being away from home in a hotel, in a different country with a few bottles of wine, yep a recipe for a few hours of fun.. Until after, when he's done the deed, got what he wanted cos poor mrs is home covered in baby poo and wants nothing more than to sleep. But hey the outcome will be either more of the same at every trip but by then you'll start feeling used (cos ya will be) you'll want more and wont get it and you'll hear every sob story going. Or alternatively it will be the last trip he attends or he'll be bloody rude on every other and again you'll feel used (cos you have been). Not a pretty picture is it?? Laugh off the last trip, humour him and walk away with your head held high and just know you had a lucky escape. Hope I replied before your next trip! Oh and please be prepared for that trip... I bet he will be.

gingerpig Tue 15-Jan-13 23:44:11

this has probably been said (haven't read whole thread). but the single biggest reason not to go down this path is that it will alter your view of marriage, trust and fidelity irrevocably. the wife will be your victim, you will pity her, and there will always be that knowledge in the back of your head that it could be you one day. it's not really about hurting the wife or children, you're just hurting yourself.

HillaryClitoris Tue 15-Jan-13 23:27:07

Identified too much with women, you lady are full of shite.

HillaryClitoris Tue 15-Jan-13 23:23:53

Word from a pro slapper...

badinage Tue 15-Jan-13 23:20:50

Hey Cally. It's water off a duck's back to me if you find sleazebags like this guy fun and interesting - or if you think it's okay to flirt and consider having sex with junior colleagues. I'd say your personal and professional judgement were off kilter, but that's for you to work out in what will hopefully be a long life and career.

I agree that no-one has an affair unless he or she wants to and agree that chances are, if it wasn't you, it would be someone else.

I'm just so glad I always valued my professionalism at work more than the prospect of an illicit relationship conducted during working hours. And identified with women too much to be party to a bloke shitting on them from a great height.

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