Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Reasons not to have an affair

(253 Posts)
Callyfornication Sat 12-Jan-13 22:00:53

Ok..... I am 23, he is 33. Ive been single for 5 months and he's married with a baby. Predictably, we work together, and we have to travel to France 1 week every 8 weeks. We went to France 2 weeks ago and on 1 night, after a lot of wine we ended up in his hotel room. Tbh I feel like it's been building up for ages and he's been the one putting the effort in buttttt he is fit and really sweet and I have enjoyed it....

Pleased to report we didn't kiss or shag but he gave it his best shot. I slurred about his marital vows and left.... I feel like a bit of an idiot for getting into that situation and can't guarantee if it happen again I wouldn't do it though, and the sexual tension is sky high. Ive spoken to a couple of mates about it who have all said they would have gone there which has made me feel a bit less guilty (but also less confident of what I'd do if theres a next time).

Advice? Could everyone tell me all the horror stories and worst cases so I don't go there....?

marriedinwhite Sat 12-Jan-13 22:25:13

He's 10 years older than you and should know better. He has a wife and a child. You are free and single and need to knock this on the head. Stop drinking alcohol when entertaining clients so you keep a clear head. Find a hobby. Think that you might meet someone single and lovely and one of your mates will tell and someone single and lovely might suddenly be less keen because actually it isn't very nice to sleep with someone else's partner/husband.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 22:26:01

He's married and you work together.

People at work will judge you far more harshly and won't take you seriously if you shag a married colleague. If he's your superior, you'll have shagged your way to any promotions you get (plus if it all goes horribly wrong, your job will be at risk). You'll be derided as the office bike.

Then there's the consequences of hurting a woman you don't even know. What has she done to you? What has her baby done to you?

She might be married to a cheating nob, but there's no call to make it easy for him - don't imagine it's only you that could have turned his head.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 12-Jan-13 22:26:31

6 bottles of wine!!!

Bloody hell.

He's a sleeze. And this sounds like a shit situation. Does you work really have to be like this?

GetOrf Sat 12-Jan-13 22:27:41

what loads of people have said, especially married. Seriously. You have your whole life in front of you, don't bloody well waste your twenties shagging some ghastly dipso tosser with a wife and baby at home.

You could be out with your mates meeting nice blokes with no ties.

Do you think so little of yourself to think that this bloke is as good as it gets?

Callyfornication Sat 12-Jan-13 22:33:18

Urghhh. Numberlock we genuinely didn't do anything but it was building to that iykwim.. It sounds silly but I actually thought of theads on here and that's what cut through the wine-haze.... Naively I had thought of us as being friends and the 'flirting' as laid back banter which I have with a few people until that night. Urghhhhhhh.

SparkleSoiree Sat 12-Jan-13 22:38:45

You also have to consider the fallout should his wife find out. She is an unknown quantity in this equation and you should consider your position at work should you sleep with her husband then it becomes public. You think it won't come out but wives have an uncanny knack of knowing when their husband's have strayed...

Personally I would be staying completely professional with the guy on as minimal basis as the job would allow.

Smo2 Sat 12-Jan-13 22:45:08

sad a woman like you, but who chose to take it further wrecked my life and made my children sob for weeks two years later they are still deeply affected and I'm a different person. it's not worth it, get some self respect and a man of your own ffs. You shouldn't even have been in his room, no matter how much wine.

noblegiraffe Sat 12-Jan-13 22:45:33

He's got a wife and baby and he invited an exceptionally drunk woman back to his hotel room and did everything he could to try to get a shag from her?

He's not sweet, he's repulsive. Nice men don't try to take advantage of very drunk women. Nice men don't cheat on their wives. Nice men don't jeopardise their relationship with their child.

Well done for saying no. Now tell him to fuck off.

Chaoscarriesonagain Sat 12-Jan-13 22:45:59

Please don't do this. It's morally wrong, and you know it, hence the post.

Think for one second that you could be her, how dies that make you feel? One day you may be her, and writing on MN as a worried wife, not nice is it?

Make your decisions, and treat others as you'd wish. What goes around...

RubyrooUK Sat 12-Jan-13 22:46:27

A similar thing has happened to me a few times - attractive guy with pregnant wife/new baby has come on to me when we are working together.

I didn't go there because the idea of a man who would cheat on someone he was having a baby with/had chosen recently to have a child with, made me find them unattractive. That was enough really. No matter if I just wanted a quick shag or long term relationship, the baby-with-someone-else aspect always made me think "yuck, that's a bit sleazy" even if the guy didn't seem that way.

Now I have children of my own, I find the idea of my own DH cheating even more repulsive at a time (pregnancy/new baby) which has been often exceptionally hard work but sort of magical for building our family. So now I think how sad it was for those men that they gave up on that magic so easily.

If you still want to do it, I suppose you will. But I just wouldn't find it a very sexy situation.

WaynettaSlobsLover Sat 12-Jan-13 22:49:12

you also may want to think about your behaviour and general conduct amongst colleagues who are married or have partners. Flirting with people who arent single is not appropriate and more often than not leads to something more. Gets you a very bad reputation in the workplace too. I would bet another colleague of yours has already spotted what is going on.

lighted Sat 12-Jan-13 22:50:45

Having affairs ruins lives - the only excitement is for a short time at the start - then you cause damage to many people's lives - for a bit of sex.

Monty27 Sat 12-Jan-13 22:52:45

He's a knob. And so are you if you 'go there'.

Poor young family at home.

Beggars belief.

pausingforbreath Sat 12-Jan-13 22:54:48

Because he's already proven himself to be a liar and a cheat to you?

My husbands OW worked with him, went on business trips involving hotel stays with him.
He promised her the world, a brilliant future together. She believed him and fell in love , she was 10 years younger than him ( and me).

When shit hit the fan - he dumped her and broke all his promises .
She is left broken hearted and without the job she loved. ( didn't want to face him anymore).
Also, as one of my lines was ' as beautiful and funny, intelligent and youthful she is, I know I have more standards and morals in the crap I shit out from my arse than she does in every fibre of herself- that makes me the better woman '
I know I could never KNOWINGLY sleep with another woman's husband, some obviously have no problem with that; but please have more self respect than that. You know it is a ' relationship' based on tears - either yours or his wife and kids.

lighted Sat 12-Jan-13 22:56:07

He'll have sex with you and then go home and have sex with his wife.

cornishblue Sat 12-Jan-13 22:56:11

Can you think of any good reasons why you should have an affair?

Do you really want to be someone else's cheap shag?

SundaeGirl Sat 12-Jan-13 22:59:00

Wow, the OP hasn't done anything yet! Cripes, the sanctimony!

And Smo, the woman didn't wreck your life your and make your children weep FFS. That was your DH.

OP, don't do it. Get a boyfriend elsewhere and I guarantee the sexual tension between you and this guy will go away. You're bored!

mammadiggingdeep Sat 12-Jan-13 23:01:51

Because you'll get bad relationship karma. If you shut all over another woman's marriage, one day you'll get it right back on you and your future relationship/marriage. If you don't actually get cheated on, you'll be a paranoid person, waiting for it to happen because you'll know what men can be capable if and you'll know there's but hrs like you around who actually know about wives and babies and STILL get involved/think about it.

lighted Sat 12-Jan-13 23:06:04

Why do all your friends think sleeping with married men is good? Are they desperate?

Adversecamber Sat 12-Jan-13 23:07:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SundaeGirl Sat 12-Jan-13 23:08:46

She won't get relationship karma. At 23 this is just part of the learning process - how to avoid dodgy guys.

badinage Sat 12-Jan-13 23:11:41

Although I've got no problem with anyone in the workplace being regarded as unprofessional when they mix sex with business, I do wish that married men who try to shag young drunken female colleagues would get a 'bad reputation' because some of this is based on outright sexism.

OP the reasons your friends are saying 'go for it' is because they have no idea what it's like to be in his wife's position, at home with a young baby. They just can't empathise with that other woman. Plus, they've probably been brought up on a wishy-washy mantra of being non-judgemental, even if their friend is risking her career, her sexual health and possibly her sanity by getting involved with a married bloke. Privately, some of them might have different opinions.....

I'd set some ground-rules before travelling with him again. I'd tell him that you want a professional and business like relationship only from now on and that you regret all the flirting. Then don't drink on your business trips and don't get into any conversations about his marriage.

Tell yourself that you will always worth more than being the spare wheel in someone else's relationship and do recognise this bloke for the sleaze that he is.

Callyfornication Sat 12-Jan-13 23:12:04

Thanks SundaeGirl grin but I suppose this is the metaphorical bucket of cold water I was looking for...

Friends didnt recommend a relationship (not that I want one) but more said they felt the person with the spouse was the one who should be responsible for the moral high ground. If I had a husband and he had an affair I'd blame him not the OW. We dont have any friends who are married so dont know anyone who's been on the other side iykwim.

WaynettaSlobsLover Sat 12-Jan-13 23:17:20

She won't get relationship karma. At 23 this is just part of the learning process - how to avoid dodgy guys

biggest load of shite ive read in a long time.

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 23:19:03

His vows are his responsibility, yes, but if you knowingly do something that you know the consequences of which will hurt another person, then you have no out. It's still you colluding with someone to hurt that person.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now