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to have thrown DP out?

(75 Posts)
ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 20:34:20

I dont think I am but I need reassuring.
DP has depression and been on tablets for 2 mthswith no difference, he has a lot of self esteem issues and I try to be calm and help him as much as I can but tonight I lost it.

DP often makes a lot of silly mistakes when askedto do things like if I give him a list of shopping he will still forget something or if I ask him to empty the bins he will forget, really silly things which usually is fine no real problems but today he forgot to pay his phone bill resulting in it being cut off and he has spent the money on other things so can't pay it, I offered to sort it for him but no to him its the end of the world and it's apprently my fault as he has so much to do he cant remember everything (he isnt working atm and only has odd jobs to do around the house).

He has lost his temper big time and I have had enough I told him he needs to sort things out as Im pregnant, have 3DCs under 5 to look after plus I sort and pay all the other bills, this result ed in him going into the hall way and actually punching himself in the head , I did shout at him as I hate him doing this so he came up right in my face hitting himself again, my DCs were downstairs eating dinner and I was worried one may come up to go toilet or something so I threw him out.

I dont know what to do, no longer no where he is and I dont know whether to even let him back in as I can't cope with this.

I know he will be back in tears and all apologetic promising he wont do it again but I have learnt this isnt going to change.

AIBU just to pack him a bag and stop him coming back?

Lindsay321 Wed 16-Jan-13 23:48:26


Ok, What am I watching for? Them to turn into the Hulk?

Too much sugar - no good (mam told me that)

Fish - Mmmm, delicious, not MH curing surly? If only all people suffering from MH issues ate a bit more oily fish eh? Or people quit peddling it as an easy cure hmm

Mosman Tue 15-Jan-13 01:17:27

You can't understand how diet impacts on mental health ?
Give your kids a can of fanta and a packet of skittles and sit back and watch.

Lindsay321 Tue 15-Jan-13 00:31:34


WTF are you for real? Really? Honestly? You actually think f*cking fish is going to help?!?!

Look, maybe we all need to stay they f*ck out of other peoples business none more that you! I can't believe anyone would say that!!!

F*cking fish therapy?!?!

OP, There are a lot of good points on here. But please ignore the last one.

Yes this is a bit aggressive but I just can't get my head around the fish lady (maybe I need some omega 3?)

<can't get head around medicinal mackerel>

PureQuintessence Sun 13-Jan-13 11:01:22

If you can afford it, ensure you have smoked salmon, mackerell in tomato, smoked mackerell in the house, and other fatty fish which is high in Omega 3, if you dont want to go down the Omega3 capsule route. Ensure you both eat this food! All you can do is ensure healthy eating, and maybe push him to the gym.

He really needs to look for work himself. You cannot let this also be your responsibility.

ruledbyheart Sun 13-Jan-13 10:56:12

He agreed to all of my conditions but I knew he would I could have said he had to ride a purple elephant through a park and he would agree, it doesn't mean he will do it, partly I think he agrees with me to calm me.

Last night was the final straw for me if nothing even slightly improves and he cant do what in reality he needs to then he will be out.

The house is in my name and he pays nothing into it.
He isn't entitled to anything so we live on my wages, unfortunately for him he doesn't have any responsibility here yet so it would be easy for me to do - honestly that sounds harsh and I don't mean that badly I just know when it comes down to it there is nothing for him to fight over.

I hope he does sort things out, I really do.
I picked up some application forms last week so will hopefully getting him to fill these out too as I think him earning some money of his own and getting out the house a bit will help him whether he believes it or not.

PureQuintessence Sun 13-Jan-13 10:44:31

What do you think he is going to do?

Even if he does not leave now (which I think he should), there is no reason you cant ask him to leave later, if he dose not follow through on any of his promises.

Please stay strong. It must be extremely frightening and emotionally difficult to watch him self harm like this, while blaming you that he does it. Especially as you have your own scary experiences of depression.

It is like he is abdicating all responsibility for himself, his behaviour, his duties, and blames you for it, expecting you to make some kind of difference.

Well, maybe you finally will make a difference, if you manage to keep firm. Best of luck!

fuzzpig Sun 13-Jan-13 10:37:53


Do you think work would help? The bullying must have been awful but surely he knows that not all workplaces will be like that? Is he signed off and getting ESA or anything?

It sounds like he is just making himself more isolated and I know how hard a cycle that is to break. But he has to take responsibility for trying to break that cycle.

What did he say to your ultimatum?

TheFallenNinja Sun 13-Jan-13 10:36:31

No. Forget him. This behaviour damages everyone around him. Depressed or not, you need to put you and kids out of his harms way b

ruledbyheart Sun 13-Jan-13 10:33:07

Morning all, well I've spoke to DP conversation went exactly as expected, tears, apologies and promises, I am struggling to forgive him for this outburst but at the same time I don't want him to leave.
He agreed that when he is like that he is risk and that last night he knows he scared me doing it so close and in my face, I get the feeling from him he meant to do that, to scare me.
Depressed or not and yes I have a lot of experience with depression, I have battled with it myself in my earlier years and watched my mum nearly kill herself through it, he needs to help himself and I can't do everything for him, I didn't sign up for this and harsh and as selfish as it sounds I cannot put up with it, my DCs come first and I won't have them put at risk at growing up thinking this is normal behaviour.

I have told DP he either goes back to the GP, rejoins the gym and rings to set up the counselling or he can leave.
I have done as much as I can and unless he helps himself nothing is going to improve.

OliviaPeacein2013Mumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 13-Jan-13 10:13:33

HI there
We have moved this thread to relationships

fuzzpig Sun 13-Jan-13 09:44:35

FWIW I think making you watch violent self harm - in a "look what you made me do" type way - is a form of emotional abuse, even if he doesn't realise it. I say that as a (former) severe self harmer BTW.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 13-Jan-13 08:54:05

OP, this is a 2year relationship during which your DP has given up working and you are supporting him; he did have 13K of assets at one point but he spent them (not on things for your house I presume). If you weren't expecting his child I would say you don't owe him anything at all, and I would be concerned that his apparent ability to minimise his outbursts when DC are around points to this not all being due to MH issues. Do you know anything about his work & relationship history; do you agree with his assessment that his mum is part of the problem, or could this be more 'blaming' on his part?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Sun 13-Jan-13 08:46:38

My abusive exH would also punch himself in the head, make me responsible for everything, etc.

I have no doubt he was/is depressed, but it was all part of the same belief of his that he was not responsible for his own behaviour, that someone else (me) was responsible for day-to-day adult responsibilities, and for his emotional state, that I existed, basically, to make him feel better (through control, threats, insults, caretaking, etc).

Depression is no excuse. Plenty of depressed people do not try to intimidate and browbeat their loved ones. A depressed person with entrenched abusive beliefs is still an abuser.

Mosman Sun 13-Jan-13 08:45:24

My father hit himeself in the face to the point where both his eyes were blackened and then threatened to hang himself in front of me.
He needs a lot of support - your partner not my dad - and a mother of 4 under 5's is not the best positioned to offer that. I would ask him to leave, he'll sort himself out you need to concentrate on you and your health. And inist he does the same. He cannot be around those children though.

overbythere Sun 13-Jan-13 08:32:05

My ex suffered depression. He didn't work and the only job he did around the house in three months was put the bins out. He couldn't face doing anything else which the rest of us would do without thinking. So I understand about how overwhelming your dp is finding doing things like shopping. Also my ex couldn't start to recover until he had left the family home. He needed medication, peace and quiet and time. A year on he is doing better and wants to make another go of things. I agree with the other posters who say he must leave, for the sake of himself and the family.

SantasENormaSnob Sun 13-Jan-13 08:27:25

Im with quint.

You need to put your children first.

Sandinmyshoes Sun 13-Jan-13 08:17:46

OP you keep referring to the "old him" and wanting the man you love "back". He is still the same person, and still in there. I am guessing from your comments that you don't have much experience or knowledge of depression and think it might help if you read up on the illness. Understanding how this awful illness operates will not make watching someone you love go through it any easier but it will (hopefully) remove some of the anger you have towards him.

And whilst I understand and agree with the need to protect your children from seeing him in such a state, bear in mind that by throwing him out you might be protecting them from seeing something that might scare them, but you're not teaching them about having compassion for someone who's ill and you're reinforcing this awful stereotype that mental illness is something to be afraid of and ashamed of. If they suffered in the future would you throw them out? No, of course you wouldn't. Will a teenager see it like that or remember what you did to their stepdad and worry about confiding in you in case you reject them as well? (I speak from my own experience here).

Could the kids spend more time at their Dad's while you support your partner through this? (or is this not practical?) It could be a great opportunity to teach your children that not all illnesses can be seen as a physical injury but still need to be treated by the doctors just the same.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm having a go... I feel very strongly about the stigma attached to mental illness and this lack of understanding is what causes so much of the anger towards depressed people. Please try and learn more before you make a decision. If it's something you can't deal with there's no shame in walking away from him. I lost a few people along the path of my depression, but losing those that couldn't cope actually helped me in the long run as I was left with those who had the strength to help and support me. I don't feel bitter about it now at all, and understand that some people/relationships just aren't able to withstand the pressures of depression.

wolvesatmydoor Sun 13-Jan-13 00:29:29

Hi ruledbyheart, this is my first time on here. Our situations are quite similar in some ways.

I have been with my partner for 13 years and the last 3 have been pure hell. I have 2 children. He has been grieving and very depressed and I have done my best to support him. He has many angry tantrums and punches himself in the head in front of me, the last time so violently that one side of his face was swollen and covered with welts. He has been in counselling for over 3 years and he is actually getting worse.

He has no regard for my feelings, constantly lying, smoking skunk, leaving it around for the children to find, having car accidents and refusing to tell me, using pornography and leaving it on our family computer, showing no love or concern for me and always trying to blame me for his behaviour. He is always the victim. I have tried so hard to protect the children and I have made so many excuses for him as he has had a tough time. He has been staying at his mum's for 3 months, things just got too bad, he came back over for Christmas but after a week he ended up tripping me up when I walked into the bedroom and then having a violent rage which escalated into a self-loathing attack whilst he refused to let me leave the room and punched himself violently in the head ten times or more. I was silent as our children were downstairs. It was so disturbing, I asked him to leave immediately and he has returned to his mum's.

I understand how difficult it is to give up on someone you love and someone you know is in trouble but I have come to the conclusion that as a mother, I owe it first and foremost to my children to protect them. I still feel shaken by his last self-harming episode, very traumatic to watch someone do that to themselves and be forced to watch.

It's hard to figure out how much is depression and how much is abusive behaviour. My partner manages to perform brilliantly at his job and it is only at home he is displaying this sort of behaviour. I am a compassionate person and I feel I have put up with so much because he's having a tough time. I think we have a choice and we need to own our behaviour. When my mum died, I went through a long period of grief but it didn't make me this self-destructive and careless about my family. I know everyone reacts differently but I have been so worn down by his constant anger and appalling behaviour that it is starting to affect my health and self-confidence. He recently admitted to me that 'he has used his dad's death as an excuse to behave like an asshole', I know this will later be denied.

He had to leave and I want him to get better, I still care about him, sometimes I can't figure out why. Maybe it's best that he stays somewhere else if that's possible while he seeks help. You are very vunerable right now being pregnant and you have to put yourself, the baby and your other children first. I really hope you can work things out. I understand how you must feel.

cestlavielife Sun 13-Jan-13 00:09:29

Can you look after your dc your self your pregnancy and a sick man ?
It just isn't feasible. He needs professional help. (taking it that his behaviour is due this illness)

Who do you put first in this scenario? You could for example lessen the burden on yourslef and send your dc to live with their dad more of the time,while,you devote yourself to your dp . That could be another way around it. it isn't fair to make your dc live with this .

But you need to make sure you stay healthy and fit and well emotionally. That could mean physical distance while,dp seeks help.

Also some element of it may be more within his control. Eg he seems to choose to self harm for you more than randomly...???

cestlavielife Sat 12-Jan-13 23:59:00

Agree with all posters saying he needs to be away from you and dc and gettign right treatment and help. You are not obligedto live withbthis behqviour whatever the cause. If it is mh then he needs treatment whcih neither you nor dc can give him. Be prepared to tell mh peope, ypunwill,not have him in your house around the dc.let them sort out some accommodation for him. Whether in patient or MIND hostel or ?

My exp was like this in the most serious episode of one of his depressive episodes when we still Lived together. The self harming etc. Hitting himself, clmbing up radiators, pulling shelves off walls kicking bins etc etc.... I know exactly how you feel trying to keep,dc away.

Him hitting his his head was even witnessed by his Cbt pshcotherapist who called the on call psych but they didn't know what to do...exhad asked me t go the session. She suggested we went on our pre booked holiday. That was hell then he went berserk and finally I called 999 He ended up voluntary in patient then went to his family for several months..... (the next time I saw that psycho therapist few years later I was flicking channels and there she was she was on a late night sex ed show talking about the joys of anal sex... I digress)

Anyway I wish I had
Called 999 for ambulance each and every time he was self harming in front of me and dc. Have him taken away and assessed.Have it recorded.
I did call criSissi team number some times and each time they said "call 999" but it took some time for me to do it..but I so wish I had done so sooner. Not just live with it and accept it as anew normal. It isn't 999 ask for ambulance tell them he is diagnosed mh and having severe episode.

Or if he calm then insist he goes stay elsewhere for few months while he gets therapy.and visits only when he calm.

Sure it may be part of his illness but if so he needs treatment, mabe in patient for some days or weeks . Of he can't go to his mother or elsewhere.

You and your dc do not have to deal with and treat him. You can't.
Make it someone else's problem to treat.

You need to decide to take more definite and drastic action next time he is hitting himself in fornt of you. Take him to a and e . Or if dc in house call 999 and tell them heis having a severe mh episode. They may send police and ambulance if they know dc in house it is routine. Call n the professionals to deal with him. It is too much for you and dc.

I wish someone had said this to me much earlier.

ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 22:52:33

Thanks to everyone who has commented I am going to try and sleep on it, have a long hard think on what I need to do, I willbe backin the morning to update.

LiveItUp Sat 12-Jan-13 22:40:40

This sounds like more than depression. Yes he is ill, but he has to take some responsibility for himself. How does he see himself in a year's time? How will you cope with 3DC's, a new baby, and an ever-demanding partner?

I'm with quint. You should not be living on eggshells with everything dictated by his moods. If his main tantrums happen when DC's are in bed, or away, he clearly has some control over them? You (and DCs) need space away from him while he sorts himself out, and support him from a distance, letting him back in as he handles his illness with a little more responsibility.

Lindsay321 Sat 12-Jan-13 22:35:46


It is horrific to see anyone self harming but that does not make the self harmer an abuser. The OP must protect her children and herself but I think it's clear this man need immediate help. He is a vulnerable person too. I guess this make it a complicated situation but thats life.

Oh and I'd just like to push the point again - if you self harm you probably think you're the most hellish person on earth. But you're not. You are ill and there is a solution to feeling better whether you are a man or a woman or a child. you are not alone.


ruledbyheart Sat 12-Jan-13 22:33:06

Thank you for your input Nebulous it has been much appreciated.

I am trying to get him to rejoin the gym but he has gained a lot of weight since stopping and he is very self conscious about himself now.

He does help around the house when he is in a good mood and is a great cook, he is also usually very loving and we used to have a lot of fun which every now and again when the old him seems to be back we still do.

AbigailAdams Sat 12-Jan-13 22:22:54

What do you get out of the relationship, ruled? What does he contribute to the household (I am not talking purely financial here)?

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