Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is this friendship worth continuing?(48 Posts)
This may be long, but i dont want to drip feed and at the same time its best to have a good picture..
Im 25, i have a friend whos almost 60. We met when we used to work together about 5-6 years ago (we both no longer work there and havent for several years). We have always had alot of contact, speaking on the phone several times a week, seeing each other once a week.
I have found over the years that whenever i see her i usually end up taking her somewhere local or taking her to the supermarket etc and then taking her back home with her shopping (even if i dont need to go to the supermarket myself).
My friend struggles alot with money, and never seems to be happy in her job. So this has resulted in her being a bit of a "moaner"
I cant remember the last time she said anything positive about anything.
Since i ve had my baby (12 weeks ago) i find her personality has become more irrating. I know this sounds awful. I feel shes constantly giving me advice, telling me to do certain things with my DD. I have noticed that when i take my DD to her house, when DD is crying, my friends response to DD is
"Shut up, shut up, shut up etc" This is said in a sharp tone, which i dont think she intends to be aggressive in her tone, but its something i dont like her saying TBH.
Or she will say "Whats all that noise" again in a sharp tone.
When she holds my DD, DD doesnt seem settled with her, and will scream until i hold her myself.
Im wondering if DD is doing this because shes associating her with that sharp tone. I dont know if at 12 weeks old she can do that.
Other comments are:
"shes spoilt already"
"she has you right weighed up"
My friend also constantly offers to mind my DD, which i have refused every single time.
I feel this friendship has run its course, and i dont wish to see her again.
I dont know how to break this friendship off, or if i have no real reason to discontinue the friendship.
I have spoken to my mum about her who has suggested just constantly never being available and too busy to meet whenever she wants to arrange something, but i know my friend will ask after afew times of me saying this, "whats the problem?"
I have enjoyed her company in the past and have enjoyed talking to her, but i have felt abit used by her in the past as i have a car etc.
Any advice on what to do with this situation?
As usual I answered the OP without reading the developments.
Telling her to fuck off wasn't very mature but OMG I understood why you did.
I would be letting things go now though be prepared for when she is weedling around you again. And OF COURSE she was asking you to do her work. You have done it before and there was no ambiguity in her text to you about it.
How old she is is irrelevant. She is telling your newborn to shut up, is being spiteful about her. I would be ending the "relationship" PDQ.
wow, she sounds like a horrible negative toxic person. You, on the other hand, sound lovely (but maybe a bit too giving ?) You are well rid !
Good for you!
I was wondering how she has any other friends at all, or is she only like that with you and as nice as pie to her other 3 "friends".
She sounds a nasty piece of work, and you have put up with her for too long.
Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
Thanks for your support. I did get a text from her about an hour later saying she wasnt asking me to do it, and calm down and i thought we were friends?
I never replied.
So she asked you to do it "because she didn't have time" but when you really don't have time, she goes mad?
You've been lucky, OP. You've put her firmly in the wrong and you don't need to see her again!
Use this as the perfect reason to break free, so even if she tries to contact you and comes crawling back STAND FIRM!!!
Blimey! Good riddance and have a happy life! Forget about her, just one of life's takers. Don't let her ruin your lovely giving side, it's a beautiful person who can give. She's mental!!!!!
Wow - this must win the MN award for 'dilemma reaching the quickest conclusion'! Your 'friend' certainly showed her true colours today didn't she OP - such a hostile response to a simple 'no, sorry I can't help'. Well done for your swift and clear response - it's clearly more important to her to feel 'in charge' than to keep sweet those who help her. Let's hope that's the last of it - although I fear there will be more hostile/abusive texts to follow after she's stewed over it a bit. I hope you'll be able to ignore them, as they deserve to be ignored.
Ha, that's what you call shooting yourself in the foot innit? All she had to do was be nice and she'd have had free lifts, company and her work training done for her (bad practice, that) for ever after.
Only one thing wrong with your response to her, OP. I know texts are supposed to be brief but you have to observe proper form with these things. The correct expression is: "Fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when you get there, fuck off some more".
Memorise for future occasions!
Well done op.
Now you are fully able to brush off and attempt she makes at making up.
Not nice but hey at least it's over with.
I was going to suggest just letting it slide ..... plenty of excuses with a small baby.... not immediately returning texts or phone calls .... but I see you have managed to do it all for yoruself!
WOW Losing. She's really going to miss you!
She says you're a stress head when she's foisting ALL this work onto you? And she does it so casually too. Has she ever shown you appreciation, got you a little gift for the e-learning work you have done for her? She should do it herself. It's her work.
And if the questions are too hard and she's not good on a computer, then either she's on the wrong course or it's a complete fib to get YOU to do her work.
My word. She's been taking the p*ss and you sound like a lovely, caring friend. Enough now - the eff off text was the right thing to do. You said no and she insults you for not wanting to manage her life commitments as well as your own?!!!! She's mad. Well rid. Long may it last.
And don't forget there are plenty of other people out there who will take the piss too and they're equally hard to shed so maybe don't be quite so helpful next time. It's a shame because the piss takers can really make you hesitant when offering to help. I always think twice now unfortunately.
Well, that's that then, Losingexcessweight. I wouldn't bother with her anymore.
For what it's worth, I think you sound like a really nice person. Get yourself some better friends and don't allow people to take advantage of your good nature.
Grrr just recieved a text from her
"Hi, sorry to bother you, but work are wanting my e-learning done by the end of the week and i havent got time to do it, could you have a look at it? Ta."
E-learning is a online learning thing she has to complete every year to do with her job, and over the last two years i have done it for her as she says shes not good on a computer and the questions are too hard. It takes hours to do.
i know she cant work a computer very well. I ve just texted back that i havent got time for that and she ll have to do it herself.
heres the reply
"whats the matter with you stress head, your not the only one to have a baby, your heading for trouble girl!"
I texted back "fuck off" i was furious!!!!
And got one back saying you too!
Well thats done with now.
I wouldn't drag it out as others have suggested - it is clearly over, so why have her somewhere in the background still playing on your mind.
I know it is very hard to break up a friendship having worried and worried about doing it myself. However, I did and although after a lot of procrastination, it was actually quite easy.
I did it in a very simple way: a) Didn't text her b) when she did, I didn't reply straight away, left it for 2 days or so, and just said I am so sorry I am very very busy at the moment.
This happened a couple of times and then she got the message. Simple!
I don't think it's cowardly (I actually don't mind confronting people). It spared her feelings, and from time to time I will probably bump in to her, and it won't be embarressing for either of us, because nothing negative was said, if you see what I mean - ie. it just ended up fizzling out.
So my advice would be don't delay just do it!
You are allowed to visit whoever you want without feeling obliged to visit her even if you're in the next street.
Say your petrol costs are too high travelling 80 mins every week.
The age gap wouldn't be a problem for me, in fact, I find your attitude wonderfully refreshing ( older women are still lovely interesting people )
however, the friendship has clearly run it's course & you have to be honest with her. I wouldn't ignore her calls, you need to keep your integrity & not just disappear like a wimp, tell her the truth - & the truth is you simply haven't got the time now for such an intense friendship. How about catching up with her once every couple of months? - suggest that & see what she says.
I wanna go cold turkey, but dont really want to explain why (god im a wimp).
She lives in my hometown which is 40mins away, so i couldnt even use the excuse that i havent money or time to travel etc as she knows i go to see family etc on a weekly basis.
Would it be horrible of me to just no longer reply to texts and phone calls?
PS I meant that you need to block her out in the longer term of course - just a question of whether it's gradual or 'cold turkey'!
Has she ever been to your house or is it always you going to hers (in your car, etc...)? The trouble with inviting her to yours (unless you are 100% sure she won't bother to make the trip) is that you can't decide when the visit is over IYSWIM. I think, from what you've posted, that you'll struggle to be hard-hearted enough to block her out of your life, unless you are really ready/annoyed enough to do that. If not, the 'gradually spacing & shortening visits' approach is best - and, of course, gather your stuff together and leave the next time she tells DD to shut up. 'Better go now, her crying is obviously upsetting you'. Good luck & keep posting!
As your baby gets older you'll find yourself much too busy for this regular meet up anyway. I'd say that you've joined a few mums' groups so you're busy most days and be very direct if she asks you to meet up after say that the busy morning exhausts you and your dd so you'd rather not.
If she still wants to catch up I'd be very specific and say she could come round to your place from 10-11 next Thirsday (or the following week) without offering to pick her up and continue in this manner. Your life is very different now, don't make it harder.
You need to screen calls and don't answer them. Reply to texts but say you are really sorry but you are busy on that day/ week.
She will get the message.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.