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when can i call the police and stop contact?

(13 Posts)
dippyDoohdah Sat 12-Jan-13 15:53:07

I have posted before. About stbxh, his asylum, EA marriage, harsh treatment of 2 young dcs, shaking the 2 and a half year old when scolding him, his cannabis use, period of gambling, repeated rows and repaeted leaving us, horrible stories of what he has done as 'revenge' to women in his home country (middle east)/scary road rage scenes. He works cash in hand, earns £240 a week and gives us £30 a week. On advice of a conversation I instigated with social services, and my health visitor, I have been allowing him weekly contact for 3 and a half hours..solicitor said to make it no longer in case he ever took them back to Iran, where I would have no rights. He does not see them at his bedsit as is full of cannabis and opium use etc.

I have been mainly asking him to collect the boys (3 and 5) from my parents, as uis too hostile if collects from me. I sent a text today asking him to collect from my parents tomorrow, and that i had checked the government child maintenance calculator and he should be paying an extra £10 a week.

He has called me a while ago today and gone mad, accusing me of playing games with where boys are collected (I give him 24 hours notice, is either mine or parents with a distance of a mile apart..he has a car..) and being diffficult about money and he will go back to solicitors (where he falsely claims legal aid and so was told to give me a pittance a week, something like £10 as was 'on benefits' (mmm benefit fraud too). I told him the child maintenance calcul;ator advises what is reasonable and fair, and he has to live with his own decisions and look himself in the mirror. He has now threatened to cut off all financial support, well ok. So he was ranting at me, fucking slag etc and threatening contact centre. At this point i welcomed contact centre, as i do not want to see him as divo4rce finalises and it really unsettles me when we have contact. I tried to speak on the phone but he shouts me down, telling me i do not tell him what to do, he will tell me what to do. (Unbeknowsnst to him I have reported a threat to the police before). I am sick of trying to facilitate a relationship between and my lovely boys. I work almost full time, have a sressful job and am just going through getting 5 yo diagnosed with Aspergers (bless him sometimes I think its an emotional protection against all the crap from his Dad that he has this condition, not to minimise the impact though). His Dad knew we had the assessment for Aspergers this week (Thursday) but had nothing to add and has not asked how it went. Unbelievable.

So next time he starts shouting and verbally abusing me, is it ok to call the police? I don't care anymore about supporting his relationship with boys, he is no role model. He will one day disappear I think (hope). Just some final opinions and advice please. I am so angry. He has cancelled contact indefinately, and i have told him to sort contact centre. His form now will be to not see them for a few weeks/months, not financially support them, then say that I am being unreasonable and should let him collect from mine. Then he is hostile, then tries to turn on the charm.
Please help me get through and past this..stuck too long, but at least no longer sad, just mad!!!

ILoveTIFFANY Sat 12-Jan-13 15:59:11

If he's being abusive on the phone.... Hang up

Go to the csa

Keep a diary of everything and yes, contact centre is the way to go

dippyDoohdah Sat 12-Jan-13 16:00:29

Out of the mouths of babes...5 y o just now 'why won't Daddy pick us up from Grandpas, doesn't he like him anymore? actually, I know why, he just doesn't like anybody, he has a problem his brain is going a bit funny!'

dippyDoohdah Sat 12-Jan-13 16:03:41

Tiffany, I can't go to CSA as he works cash in hand so on paper earns nothing. In his logic, he is the victim in all of this.

MadameCastafiore Sat 12-Jan-13 16:04:30

Do you really think your boys having contact with this man who can't stay off drugs for the sake of his kids and abuses their mother is a good thing.

IMO men need to step up and be responsible parents to have a part in their kids lives. That goes for women too if this scenario was reversed.

I'd cut contact and immediately call the police in event if any more threats.

Think of your poor DCs and how they are being affected by all this. Is it healthier for them to witness all this and have contact with this abusive sexist jerk or have a mum who isn't a nervous wreck?

dippyDoohdah Sat 12-Jan-13 16:11:08

Madame, I have struggled with Jekyll and Hyde but he does an amazing father of the year impression at his contact. I have been clinging on sometimes in the last 3 years, yes i have been reduced to nervous wreck a lot and relied on antidepressants. I hope they can go as the divorce is made absolute.
I've got to stick to my guns, contact centre and he can then prove himself con everyone that he is a changed man

izzyizin Sat 12-Jan-13 16:14:34

The welfare and wellbeing of your dc is of paramount importance.

Cut all contact with your stbxh, don't hesitate to call the police if he threatens or harasses you in any way by whatever means, and fgs spare me and other taxpayers the burden of picking up the bill for this twunt by ensuring that the benefits agency/legal aid/etc are aware that he's defrauding the system.

dippyDoohdah Sat 12-Jan-13 16:19:05

Izzy, I am a tax payer too and it drives me mad. I have told his solicitor and hestill gets legal aid. i have reported him but he has dodgy boss who claims its ad hoc minimum work. aagh, its so wrong and unfair. Everytime somehing hqappens its costing me thousands in legal bills, but nothing for him

MOSagain Sat 12-Jan-13 16:24:28

Keep a diary and backdate for as much as you can remember.
Stop contact until he agrees to it being supervised. If he doesn't agree, he will have to apply for a Contact order and he will probably only get supervised contact.

ImperialBlether Sat 12-Jan-13 17:02:57

Can't you give the police a tip off re the opium den? I would - in fact, I'll do it for you if you're scared.

I would also be on the phone to the Inland Revenue.

You are making it far too easy for this man to stay here. He's awful and he's not a good father to your boys. They would be much better off never seeing him.

I wouldn't have asked him for more money. I wouldn't think an extra tenner a week to be worth the hassle of getting it, to be honest.

Keep a diary. Keep every text you get and record every phone call. You need something to counteract his father of the year acting.

cestlavielife Sat 12-Jan-13 21:12:50

Have you written confirmation text or email he is cutting contact? Get it witnessed by solicitor. Then do not facilitate any more contact.
Also I don't get it why give him three hours contact of heis flight risk ? That is enough time for him to get to port or airport and more hours before you actually on his case....

Contact centre or no contact .

You can report to police and to solicitor keep a diary . But f he is questioned he can twist it to you shouting and you stopping contact.
However if ther is no court order you can easily stop contact .

I don't get why ss and hv have advised you to allow unsupervised contact with someone on opium and cannabis..... don't they have the full story ? Why arent police raiding his bedsit ?

And also if you got thru divorce which will set finance and contact then little point asking for another ten pounds directly. Ie use the divorce settlement and CSa ?
Also if you think k or hope he will disappear then you should not be facilitating contact when you know or hope he is likely to disappear anyway. Minimal contact and supervised.

So Long as you have proof he is the one cutting contact have that recorded and don't contact him again. Let the divorce happen, let solicitor handle any information required. howling will it take to get divorce settled ?

dippyDoohdah Sun 13-Jan-13 08:44:03

I don't have proof in writing, only telephone rants.only proof is that he cancelled todays contact but language is poor so it is not evidence "no tomorrow"..contextually I understand that.
I have reported the drug activity to police in past.as far add am aware, he does not use opium but others in the building do.ss here do not jump up and down snoot cannabis..yes they have the full story, really.
I have just instructed solicitor to apply for decree absolute so should not take long now.there is no court order for contact, just statement of arrangements for him to see them twice a week but he only chose to see them once a week.he always brings the youngest back with saturated nappy and is reluctant to say what they have eaten etc, is just not very cooperative now that he knows I will not about turn and want him back again.
we have a clean break order and his solicitor advices him on maintenance..even though my solicitor then passed on that that is based on lies and he does work, his solicitor has not altered that

dippyDoohdah Sun 13-Jan-13 08:50:04

and I can see now that it was not worth all the bother for an extra ten pounds a week.it just frustrates me when he could be doing more and I am in debt myself. everytime there is an issue, he knows he can, for free, go and give his warped perspective to solicitor, who then guns for ridiculous levels of contract and threats, and it then costs me hundreds everytime my solicitor h has to respond, so I have ended up negotiating between us for him to be more reasonable.

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