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how would you react?

(32 Posts)
liverLadyLass Sat 12-Jan-13 01:58:51

a while ago my DH and I argued over money, and it turned out that I had no final say whatsoever in the money matters as I didn't bring it into the house or deal with it so he would always have the final say over what and were the money goes to. the reason for the argument was that i needed clothes and underwear, was told I would have to wait but in the same breath he then told me he was buying dd who's four a quad and painting it pink for her, which was a nice only thing is because of the winter would not get to use it? he didn't agree and as I said its sitting in the garage and hasn't turned a wheel since he bought it. I felt his prioritys were wrong, he had said in the past about the money he earns is both our money as I stayed home to raise the kids and didn't work , for the first time felt like I was k

dequoisagitil Sat 12-Jan-13 12:23:11

He is controlling in a nasty way.

- He's undermining you with the dc, so they ignore you and have no respect for you. Nasty.
- He is revenging himself on you because of his mother. Nasty.
- Denies you access to money as it pleases him. Nasty.
- Gets angry & verbal with you to shut you up. Nasty.
- Passive-aggressive with you. Nasty.

And anyway, he doesn't have the right to control you even if it were in a benign and loving way. You're an adult, the mother of his dc and deserve better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 12-Jan-13 12:26:39

Just trust him? That's as patronising as 'don't worry your little head about it'. hmm Tell him you can only trust him when you're in full possession of the facts and that you demand trust in return.

Also, be very wary of making excuses for bad behaviour. Bad experiences from childhood may colour adult attitudes but they should never excuse poor treatment. He is a grown man & you are a grown woman. He should have the respect and intelligence to treat you as such. Not as a kid that he gives pocket money to and denies access to information..

TisILeclerc Sat 12-Jan-13 13:13:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

liverLadyLass Sat 12-Jan-13 16:03:24

I don't want to leave my DH I want to fix it and make things better for us both,
I spoke to my son whilst DH was out and explained how it makes me feel him treating me differently to his dad, I explained how important our relationship was as son and mother and that I didn't want us to be like that to each other, we hugged and apologised for our behaviour and he's told me he's going to try.
it was nice to b

liverLadyLass Sat 12-Jan-13 16:09:30

have that without DH being there over looking things I'm saying,,

I think he knows how badly he behaved,
I came upstairs to him saying he found his wallet, that he remembered were it was and it was all there if I needed it,, (sitting on my bedside table! )
I had explained I didn't need it anymore and carried on with what I was doing,, he keeps trying to talk to me and do little things like cleaning up and stuff,
I'm going to have a hard talk to him tonight once the kids are in bed so there are no disturbances..
thanks for all your advice ill let you guys now how it goes....

HappyNewHissy Sun 13-Jan-13 20:53:21

How did you get on LiverLadyLass?

Your H is undermining you as a partner, and as a parent.

This dynamic of teaching your son to play you off against his dad is warped. and sadly all too typical.

You will end up being abused by the pair of them. sad

BTW, this thread has reminded me of the time that I was totally dependent on my now ex. Miles from civilisation, but only 3 floors up and a phonecall from a shop that delivers.

I asked Ex for conditioner. 2 days running. On the third, I ran out. He told me that women in his country didn't use conditioner, so I could too. sad I lost a lot of hair that day, and even more respect for him. I spent yesterday afternoon battling tears at the reminder. My heart bled for you, it really did. FWIW, when others were looking he was positively LAVISH with me sometimes, but it was not for my benefit, it was for his image.

A man who would waste money on a quad bike, but not find a few quid for some knickers etc is a VERY nasty man indeed. How much does he think of you that you can't get some pants FGS?

This 'man' IS teaching your son to side with him is not a parent, he's not a partner, he's an enemy.

I know you are not ready to hear this and still naively think that you have any power to fix this, but his choices are what is driving this situation and he will NEVER give that up.

He's sensed a change in you, that's why the change of heart on the wallet.

Please love, open your eyes? You SHOULD know the family finances, you should have equal say in things to do with your family and he should be backing you up with your DS, not undoing everything you do.

BagCat Sun 13-Jan-13 22:20:21

Every penny is a prisoner with this guy and you are a prisoner too because you need his permission to spend money. What a control freak, miserable miser he is. Hope you manage to get some conclusion out of this. You are right, he is wrong.

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