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Odd situation and need some advice

(116 Posts)
MushroomSoup Fri 11-Jan-13 18:27:07

Married 10 years, we have a child aged 7. I have older children who spend the week between our house and their dad's. it's a long standing arrangement that works great.
Our relationship has always been strong - the very best I could hope for. We have fun, great sex, a lot of banter and laughter and he is wonderful with all the DCs.
He is stressed lately because of changes in his work force - there is a possibility he may lose his job (through no fault of his). We both work fulltime. This has been dragging on since summer with no conclusion.
Understandably he's been snappy and worried at times but just before Xmas he turned on me - over a wisecrack comment I made, can't remember what! - and he screamed at me that I was a fucking cunt.
Since then, he has been perfectly civil to me but has neither touched me, kissed me or properly spoken to me. He has really withdrawn.
Today he made an odd comment that he has to teach the DCs' manners because they wouldn't get any with me. I work with children for a living and am known for my high expectations!
I am now getting to the end of my tether. He is honestly a lovely man but I can't do this for much longer.
Advice please.

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 23:56:07

Whether he's having an affair or not, you're going to have to sit down and talk to him about his changed behaviour and the rift it is causing in your marriage, aren't you? There's a cause for this and you need to find it - and the behaviour needs to stop.

Skyebluesapphire Fri 11-Jan-13 23:59:42

I really hope it isn't but just keep an open mind that's all.

You do need to talk to him, find out what the problem is and see if you can sort things out one way or another.

olympicvibes Sat 12-Jan-13 00:07:32

Since he switched off he has been bottling everything up. Tell him you are thrre to talk and want to listen but can't be shut out.
Doubt affair if he is angry. Maybe if he was secretive with phone, lateness/change of routine but in my opinion anger is classic pent up steam cooker reaction to his own feelings and fears.
You can help him if he lets you-and you want to. Can you take any time out together or try to do something fun with dc together?

My dp has suffered from stress and depression and he is now finally getting help but it has been very stressful and frustrating when he switches off to 'cope'.

ifso Sat 12-Jan-13 00:12:19

I'm uncomfortable with how you seemed to let him call you that

Didnt you tackle him when he said it?

Dont ever let a man away with saying such a thing in your home, just dont.

Tackle him about it.

Are you actually afraid of him OP? Has he done something else? if it was out of the blue, I would NOT have let him away with it, there and then, is what I'm trying to say.

Is this normal language for him? it's no bed of roses here but DH has never used those words to me in 16yrs

he needs to start talking - to you - like an adult, not a teenager, regardless of life stresses etc

MushroomSoup Sat 12-Jan-13 00:20:18

Of course I didn't put up with it!! He knows exactly how I felt.

But yes, this is causing a huge rift. One part of me feels dreadfully sorry for the lovely man I know who is very stressed, but the other part of me cannot get over the fact that he called me that, and bad mouths my parenting. I'm actually not sure that I even want to speak to him
Why should I be the one to have to fucking put it right? :-(

MushroomSoup Sat 12-Jan-13 00:20:52

Definitely not normal language, no. And said with such venom.

ifso Sat 12-Jan-13 00:26:33

sorry OP, I came across harsh before. It is confusing, why should you have to fix things, when he has created this rift? Maybe go out tomorrow by yourself for a few hours if you can? Get space from each other?

olympicvibes Sat 12-Jan-13 00:46:05

You can't be expected to fix anything-and I felt same but reality is because he so obviously isn't being himself you probably already are the punching bag and it is so unfair.
It's up to you if you try to talk to him or not but how much longer can you take the silent treatment? Hope he wakes up but sounds like he needs a shock of reality. Not easy at all for you to handle but you need to find out what problem is first. Can you talk to him this wekend?

jynier Sat 12-Jan-13 00:50:59

Huge red flag!!! I'd guess that he's having an affair - sorry!

ZooAnimals Sat 12-Jan-13 01:02:27

You say he's stressed and he is behaving like someone suffering extreme stress.

Could be an affair, but... when you hear hoofbeats, think horses not zebras and all that.

I would avoid snooping through his emails/phone records until after you've tried talking to him. If he isn't having an affair the fact that you don't trust him isn't going to help the relationsip.

springyhope Sat 12-Jan-13 01:18:48

I don't care what stress he's under, talking to you like that (and undermining your parenting) is abuse and is not acceptable under any circumstances. Under any circumstances.

Perhaps you could make it clear and plain that if he doesn't get his act together sharpish he'll be losing his marriage, his children and his home, as well as his job, if he so much as breathes anything like that again.

tigerdriverII Sat 12-Jan-13 01:31:31

Don't jump to conclusions over affair. It's perfectly reasonable for OP to say she thinks this unlikely. I would say so with my DH - there are loads of reasons why I would not jump to conclusions even if there were things that weren't quite the same as usual. Too many conclusions here IMO

badinage Sat 12-Jan-13 01:32:51

Affairs really aren't as rare as zebras and I think we probably all know men and women who weren't the 'type'. Sadly I've known a few people who felt on the scrapheap a bit at work - facing redundancy etc. - who got involved in a dalliance as an escape from the pressure and stress. A lot of folk get their egoes boosted by work, and if that's going down the pan then they look for another stroke. It's not that they always want to leave their marriages either, but the stress and guilt catches up with them and so they act up at home. They feel too guilty to act all normal and affectionate, so they manufacture arguments so that a wall is put up, which helps with the guilt.

If there is nothing going on like this, it seems odd that he hasn't apologised or tried to make things right again. In fact he seems to be raising the stakes and putting more barriers in the way. I don't think it's about whose role it is to sort it out. It's more a matter of being open about how unhappy it's making you and refusing to be spoken to this way - and insisting on change and getting to the bottom of what's causing it.

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 07:39:23

What did you say to him that has caused him to shut his emotions down? thats the trigger.

FFS - not everybloke is over the side, I do wish the first suggestion isn't 'oh he's having an affair, spy on him'

The OP has HURT him, clearly quite badly. Either she genuinely can't rmember or she just not telling us because it's so bad>

What ever she's done, he's withdrawn from her, so it must have been pretty awful if he's still upset about it a month later

kittybiscuits Sat 12-Jan-13 08:15:12

Crikey hollyberrybush, does that mean you think mushroomsoup really is a cunt then? Or did you accidentally start posting on the wrong website?

It's really not on mushroom. If he doesn't give a full apology within a short timeframe, then he's putting you in a very difficult position. It really sounds likequite a major shift in his behaviour and attitude.

Had to say what's behind it.

When XH started his affair he became very angry with me. It was as if having another partner made him realise that I was 'the problem' and that he was justified in being angry about literally anything I did. But in parallel he stayed up late every night on the laptop presumably messaging there was other behaviour.

MushroomSoup Sat 12-Jan-13 09:15:36

I really, really don't know what I said. We're both very sarcastic and jokey and I think I must have said something that hit a raw nerve but I have no idea what it was, or even what it was about. I was stirring gravy and being flippant I suppose. There was definitely nothing said to hurt him badly.

I do believe he is stressed - he's sleeping badly too.

It doesn't sound to me like the root cause is what you said.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 12-Jan-13 09:21:09

My DH wasn't the type either and he had an affair - friends and family were shocked to the core.

He became very stressed and horribly grumpy. This behaviour is very common in cheaters - the stress of leading a double life can get to them but also in order to justify their decision to cheat, they become critical and pick fights to put the betrayed party in a poor light.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 12-Jan-13 09:24:25

I would do the following:

* Confront him about his name calling (calling you cunt is NOT on - there is no way my DH would call me this and get away with it) and his vile behaviour. See if he offers a reason for this.

* Snoop - you are entitled to do this in the light of his behaviour. Check his mobile, laptop, emails, internet history, deleted folders, phone bills, pockets etc.

Badvoc Sat 12-Jan-13 09:27:45

Check out the affair script op.
You might be unpleasantly surprised sad

Follyfoot Sat 12-Jan-13 09:32:28

My first thought was depression too rather than affair. My DH suffers with this, and in the past, the first signs were becoming withdrawn and also pretty unpleasant - saying things to me that he would never ever say normally (and he wouldnt apologise at the time either). He now takes medication which helps hugely, but we have also become better as a couple at dealing with this.

Would one way to start things off be to take the emphasis away from the words he called you and actually talk to him in broader terms about how he is feeling and what is going on in his head? I've a feeling thats where the issue is and the words were maybe a symptom. Perhaps then he can start taking action to address whatever is going on (GP maybe?). It could be that until he gets some help, he might not be able to change back to being the person you love.

glitch Sat 12-Jan-13 09:43:16

He sounds like my ex. He suffered from depression and enormous amounts of stress at work and gradually started chipping away at me, telling me how useless I was at things, how I didn't listen to him in the right way etc. It was almost a transfer of his stress onto me, that he needed to make feel bad because he was.
It could be a similar thing, in which case try to get him talking about what is worrying him.

MushroomSoup Sun 20-Jan-13 07:48:32

Well it's all gone tits up here.
It had carried on much the same but slowly improving until tonight. We were all (me, DH and 4 DCs) watching a film. One of my DD's was laying on the floor and at one point said 'whatever' to him and he tapped her with his foot on the side of her head. Now this was definitely no kick and didn't hurt her, but I felt it was absolutely a final straw. Because she cried, I cuddled her so he stormed out. After a few mins I went after him and told him in no uncertain terms he was never to use his feet on my children EVER.
To cut a long story short he says the problem is that my DCs are bad mannered and I allow them to be cheeky to him and undermine him.
Apparently even our own daughter who we have brought up together is cheeky and that's my fault to.

I told him I was happy with my kids and if he was so unhappy he needs to go. He said he'd been thinking about it so I pushed him and said it was time to act.

So he's packed a case. Told our DD that he is going away for a few days. Slept on the settee last night.

Please hold my hand.

maras2 Sun 20-Jan-13 07:57:30

Here's my hand,Mushroom.Good riddance to the abusive,mardy arsed twat.Good luck to you and your kids.

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