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Come and tell me the appropriate response to this dickhead

(72 Posts)
Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 14:49:46

I'm a bit rusty at the dating game, but clearly the good old dickhead is still alive and well.

After having declared undying love, this particular dickhead is now cooling off, not returning calls or emails, (let alone calling or emailing me), not texting etc.

After being pursued so hotly, I am now the one in danger of seeming needy and stalkerish, but would just like sone answers.

Maybe it's just come at a time when I am feeling vulnerable... but it's really upsetting me and knocking my (what was newly restored) confidence.

He is just a dickhead who deserves to be forgotten - right?!

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:09:38

I would find it easuer to have closure actually if he had the guts to say - 'sorry my feelings have changed' - or similar!

But I accept what you say.

Ok - apart fronm counselling - God am i that mad? - any otehr ideas for 'activities'? I am prepared to throw money at it.

akaemmafrost Fri 11-Jan-13 16:09:48

I got dumped by text earlier this year by someone i really liked and had felt very close to. i was gutted, i really was. I sought advice on here and was told categorically not to respond. I didn't listen though and texted him that he was spineless to do it by text. 6 months on and over it, I wish with all my heart that I had listened to the advice on here.

You cannot make him want to be with you by texting him, it won't pay him back, as hard as it is to hear he doesn't care and nothing you can do will bother him.

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:11:28

and: would I look less needy etc etc if I sent Patienceisvirtuous' suggested message of 16:00?

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 11-Jan-13 16:11:47

How long were you with him for?

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:12:25

akaemmafrost - sorry to hear that sad and thanks for your advice.

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 11-Jan-13 16:12:37

We've all been there, by the way. It's normal stuff to feel shit about this sort of stuff and it's very consuming and upsetting. I don't want to make you feel worse and I do understand. But you MUST move on

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:13:34

Diamond- was seeing him for just over 4 months.

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:14:08

shine - thank you for empathising with sh*t feeling...

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 11-Jan-13 16:14:37

No, you'd look madder if you sent him ONE MORE MESSAGE

Please - don't do it. he knows exactly how you feel and he does not want to hear from you.

Here is an analogy for you... if your employer sacked you and made it very clear you were no longer to come to work, would you turn up every day, hanging around, trying to change your bosses mind? You wouldn't would you?

If you send any more messages you are making yourself look more and more desperate to him.

MadameOvary Fri 11-Jan-13 16:15:39

He sounds like yer classic Amorous Bolter
Lucky escape.

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 11-Jan-13 16:16:41

Oh I have been there err... many many times over the years. god, it's a fucker.

Aspiemum2 Fri 11-Jan-13 16:17:05

Don't let him do this to you. He's being a prat, you do not want a relationship with someone who mucks you about. Be thankful you found out now before you got more involved.

You may have low self esteem but that doesn't mean you should accept crap from anyone. There is a man out there who knows you are worth more than you think and will treat you right. Don't waste time on dickheads, please!!

Whatever you do please don't let him have this power, don't comfort eat. Handle this in a strong, empowered way. Whatever way that is will depend on your character, but (and I'm aware this sounds lame) a new haircut would be a good start. I rarely visit the hairdresser so it's a fine treat when I do smile

Time being single can be a great way to improve your self confidence, focus on what you enjoy and what you want. Be ruthless when dating, there are heaps of single men (believe it or not) so don't sell yourself short or scare them off by being too needy or attract the wrong sort by being too easy going.

Get feisty woman!!

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 16:20:09

Don't send any more messages.

Ban yourself from dating or even thinking about dating for 3 months.

Go and do some stuff for you. Things you can feel proud of yourself for trying. If you can't swim/drive learn. Have a look for local volunteering opportunities whether it's a one off everyone turn up with a gardening gloves and help clear some community land or a longer term thing. Take dancing lessons or do a charity parachute jump. Whatever you find hard, go do it!

ErikNorseman Fri 11-Jan-13 16:20:32

Don't contact him again. Really, your dignity is on the line. If he's an unfeeling cunt he won't be scathed so your scathing message will just make you look weak.

Men who do this are damaged. They are either emotional cripples who idealise romance but can't cope with a real woman, or dicks who just like a challenge, or the most dangerous are the narcissists who only see you as a tool to make them feel good and who will ditch you once your usefulness is reached.

You don't need to value yourself by how desirable you are. You don't need a man to be interested to prove you are interesting.

Narked Fri 11-Jan-13 16:24:19

If you wanted to, you could pick a target and work towards it eg the scary couch to 5k thing with a specific 'fun' run in mind.

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:25:25

Erik - you've hit the nail on the head. Sadly the last line is true for me atm. I know it shoudln't be.

I like the idea of him not being scathed by a scathing email - that actually raised a smile - thanks.

Just wish I could undo all my mad needy behaviour - but what's done is done - with this thread I will stay strong.

(Shine - I do get your analogy totally; but if the employer neglected to send letters and just suddenly erected huge barriers / fences blocking the premesis, the employees would be a bit baffled!)

Conflugenglugen Fri 11-Jan-13 16:25:40

Perplexing - Forget him. As other posters have said, you have your answer.

What might be worth exploring more is your lack of self-esteem. And you don't have to be mad to go into therapy. (Sometimes it's madder not to talk to someone, imo.)

Putting him as an individual to one side for a moment, look what he has done. You have low self-esteem; your self-esteem was elevated when you were seeing him; and now it has plummeted because he has left and is not responding.

He is a mirror. He is mirroring back to you the punishment that you feel you deserve because you're not good enough. And you keep going back for more -- not for more love. For more punishment. Every time he fails to respond, you feel worse, you eat more, and so you feel worse.

It is a horrible place to be. I have been there many times. I realised that there was a pattern where I was addicted to being rejected. Look at how hard you are finding it not to contact him, and there you have your addiction.

Therapy is amazing if it's done well. It can give you back to yourself. And then you won't only not respond when someone does that next time -- you might even choose someone who treats you with the respect you know you deserve.

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 11-Jan-13 16:25:58

Yes, come and join me in c25k : )

I keep meaning to do it

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 11-Jan-13 16:28:37

So.. for 4 months he did what? Did he text daily? call daily? How often were you seeing him?

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:35:03

He emailed dozens of times a day - at work, and to home in evenings when we didn't see each other.

Texted several times a day - met almost daily - spoke daily.

He was always the one calling / pushing to meet / instigating things.

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:35:48

Just miss all that - you know... sad

Big withdrawal symptoms.

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 11-Jan-13 16:37:44

And the last time he messaged you said what?

TyrannosaurusBex Fri 11-Jan-13 16:43:33

You know what the most surprising thing is that I've learned about men? It's simply this: when a man goes off a woman for no good reason, and she just goes on her merry (eventually!) way being the same nice person she always was, they ALWAYS come crawling back eventually. Always. Every time.

Of course, you don't want them when they do. But it's worth bearing in mind.

I had a very similar experience to yours when I was 27. Six years later, having seen my engagement in the paper, he showed up in the lobby of the very posh bank where I worked, begging me to break it off and run away with him.

Reader, I didn't marry him.

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:43:44

Just a normal everyday email, I've gone back and looked through them countless times! <slaps wrist>

We were discussing tea of all things - and the future and where I was thinking of moving to. Nothing untoward, no clues that I can see.

Perplexing Fri 11-Jan-13 16:44:56

Tyrannosaurus shock - really?!

Glad you didn't marry him (the loser that is).

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