Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Friendship question

(9 Posts)
Snowydrift Fri 11-Jan-13 13:37:58

Not really relationship, but I didn't know where to post it. I'm wondering if I'm just being slow and they don't actually want to be friends.

I'm an ex-pat and think it's good for my DC's to be friends with other English speaking children so I go to a playgroup which is for ex-pats. There are three people who go whose children are roughly the same age as mine and for the past year we've met once or twice every couple of weeks as well as seeing each other at playgroup. One has now gone back home for an extended (2 month) visit. Friend A is often away. Friend B has quite a small (and very cluttered house) so she never invites us over unless it's good weather and we can sit in the garden. She's never actually invited anyone into her house. I live in a larger flat so have more indoor space but a communal garden. We always met around 2-230 due to children's nap times.
Last year I invited friend A and B and offspring over to ours for a playdate with the following results:

A couldn't come, B sent a message at lunch time to say she was too busy to come.

A came, B's DC's were ill. A said that the next week we could meet at her place. Then at playgroup that week she mentioned that she was meeting with some good friends that she hadn't seen for a while the following day. So that was us uninvited.

A was away, I waited and waited for B and family to come round fending off DC every 2 mins with "They'll be here soon". I called at 3 to ask when they would be come only to be told that they weren't coming because she'd decided to invite some other friends over for the afternoon.

We agreed to meet up in the New Year so when we got back from holidays I sent a message saying (Tuesday) when we were free and suggesting to meet on the Friday. A was away and B said that she would be around and would love to come over. I sent a message back saying we could meet at the park or at my place depending on the weather. I didn't hear anything back from her. Then on Thursday evening some of my DH's family said they would be in town could they visit. I said yes and sent a message to B saying that as I hadn't heard anything I'd have to cancel because the IL's were coming. She sent a sarky message back saying "Well actually, we're going away for the weekend so we won't be able to come anyway." Why couldn't she say that before?

This annoyed me so much I decided I wouldn't offer to host again for a while. We met again at playgroup this week and A asked if we were free today. I said yes and she said she'd message me to arrange something. I've yet to hear from her.

I'm absolutely fed up with it. They don't actually want to meet with us do they? I feel really bad for DS because he's always asking when he can play with them again.

yani Fri 11-Jan-13 13:50:42

It does seem a bit rude tbh.

Are the other two part of an established community? Possibly they have older (or in their opinion better friends) who they might prioritise over you.

Could you try to make friends with some of the locals (not ex-pat's)?

This really annoys me too. I wouldn't tell my dc what we were planning on doing, just in case we were let down. I'd usually have a plan b tucked up my sleeve.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 11-Jan-13 14:35:27

Interesting that B's response implied that in her world view it's meant to be her that blows you off, not the other way's not a 'do t'other one down' competition, for crying out loud! Sounds like you've done all that's reasonable to make friends, and met simple rudeness in response, so time to look elsewhere - and have a barely-polite snippy response ready for if they ever try to set anything else up again.

Snowydrift Fri 11-Jan-13 15:04:49

I've just heard that the plans for today are cancelled because A and DC overslept this morning (I'd guessed that, it's 4 pm here). There's no time to go anywhere now (and its raining) so cleaning it is!
The other's aren't really part of an established community, there's very few ex-pats here. I do have a couple of local friends, but their children are much older. The one's I've met at local playgroup either work or have older children or live further away so we really only meet at the playgroup.

i'm just disappointed because I'd hoped that my DC could have some English speaking friends before they start school and get caught up with local life. But I think you're right, its time to look elsewhere sad

OhGood Fri 11-Jan-13 15:08:14

You have tried with them. Are you going to keep going to the playgroup? Maybe your DCs will get to be friends with each other without you having to deal with their parents' bizarre behaviour, and you can end up at the point where they are just dropping their DCs round for playdates?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 15:13:43

I'd vaguely imagined all ex-pats would somehow stick together, goodness knows why, out of a shared experience I suppose. A friend who's an ex-pat put me right on that, she said in her particular area newcomers were initially welcomed then sized up. They really had to have something special to offer to be accepted or people lost interest shock Something to do with them being bitches a kind of superficiality because people moved in and out again so fast there was a ruthlessness to forming cliques,choosing pals. I'm sure not everywhere's like that!

Snowydrift you deserve better, keep these women on the back burner as far as socialising goes, hope there'll be a newbie along soon who you get on better with.

Theoldtriangle Fri 11-Jan-13 15:14:22

We also live abroad and have made similar experiences, ex pats sometimes have fancy jobs that don't allow them to rough it, locals can have a different mind set but don't worry your kids will probably feel right at home as kids are more flexible than us. My solution was mixing with other foreigners of similar socio economic background so as to avoid snobs and be able to share experiences with really nice and friendly people, who would otherwise probably feel lonely themselves!

Snowydrift Fri 11-Jan-13 16:17:37

I've signed us up for a music course so hopefully we should meet some people there. It's silly I know, but I wanted to do as much as possible to give him a grounding in English before he goes to school and become his second language. None of them are moving, we're all married to locals and here for the duration that's why I hoped we could stick together. I've no worries about the kids, but I must say I liked having people to talk to. We moved here not long before DC1 arrived so the only people I know are from the playgroup.

Good point about being to just drop the kids off at each other's places. What age is suitable for a parent-less play date?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 16:29:37

Mine were little ages' ago but I think it was about 3/3.5 if there wasn't a baby also in the house, for 2 hours at most.

Or 4 if there was a younger sibling under a year old.

(Shudders at memory of carnage whilst unsuspecting mum was bf downstairs. If they're quiet don't think "Oh how nice, they're playing together sweetly", it usually spells trouble).

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: