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Just found out my fiancée has been cheating since we got engaged

(45 Posts)
xcharlotte1990x Fri 11-Jan-13 13:36:04

Well to begin with me and my fiancée have 2 dc at 4 and 6 months.
Since I got pregnant my fiancée became very distant and harsh. Making comments about my weight and how I looked.
It's tuned out he was sleeping with my next door neighbour, emailing and texting so many women on Facebook.
Also found out while snooping on his phone that he's was cheating on me with one of my daughters nursery teachers.
I am pretty devastated I never thought this was the kind of guy he was.
I wonder if he has been doing this since we got together.
I could really so with some support on where to go from here, I jut feel so lost.

Snapespeare Sat 12-Jan-13 19:33:42

I'm twice your age OP, 3 DCs, aged 17, 14 & 13. I found out their dad had been fucking around on me having an affair when my youngest was 9 months old. Please listen to the thread. I know it's difficult, but putting it off and putting it off is going to make it SO much more difficult to do and you will feel even worse than you feel now if you let your knowledge build up inside you. If you know about his multiple affairs and do nothing then you are telling yourself that this is all you are worth...and you absolutely know you're worth far more than some bloke who can't or won't keep his dick in his pants, look at you! Working full time, house, beautiful DCs...the last thing you need in your life is a man who thinks so little of you that he will fuck not only your next door neighbour, but your nursery nurse as well and who-knows-how-many-more stupid women with such ridiculously low self esteem that they will shag a bloke with a partner and kids.

Kick him the fuck out. You deserve a lot more than this shit.

EuroShopperEnergyDrink Sat 12-Jan-13 19:22:31

To the poster who said 'he's probably not ready to settle down'- what utter utter nonsense. He's a wanker and will act as one however old he is. Being 'young' is not an excuse to go out and get his dick wet when he has a partner and a child at hope. Plenty of people met their partners in their late teens/early twenties and have had happy faithful relationships without the case of maturity/too young to settle down getting in the way.

Your age is not a hindrance OP. You can start again and meet someone lovely who loves your DC.

I'd be sending your emails between you and the nursery worker to the boss of the place too.

I know that you love him and it hurts, but he neither loves, and more importantly, respects you either sad you need this horrible man out of your life

xcharlotte1990x Sat 12-Jan-13 18:26:58

I am taking hat you are all saying in, I'm just so terrified about what's comes afterwards, I put everything I had into this relationship and its just been thrown back into my face.
My mums still on nights so I don really want to bother her until she finished them on Monday
I've read so many posts on here about women in the same position and I always thought how can you stay with them, just throw then out, but now I'm in this position I can't believe how hard it is.
I don't know what's scaring me the most no having him in my life or not being able to cope with very thing alone.

badinage Sat 12-Jan-13 17:41:46

Talk to your mum.

Unless she's one of those bonkers mums who thinks that women have to put up with any old tomcat of a man, she will reinforce what we're all telling you.

You need to speak to someone in real-life because we're not getting through to you.

tiredofwaitingforitalltochange Sat 12-Jan-13 17:41:20

When I read the title of the thread I thought well the solution is obviously just not to marry him, isn't it?

But that's not the issue here, is it, because you've already got two children.

But the solution is the same - get rid of him. He's behaved appallingly. Sleeping with a neighbour, his child's nursery school teacher - it could hardly be more close to home. It's incredibly disrespectful.

You sound like you have made a good job of your life and you will carry on doing so without him. You are not letting your kids down by getting rid of this selfish, immature, disrespectful twat.

Oh and - obviously - report the teacher shock

MadameCastafiore Sat 12-Jan-13 17:39:52

Have the conversation, the bastards sitting there thinking he has got away with all his bloody philandering.

I would be more worried about having an std than being embarrassed at the rate he's been putting it about!

Seriously what would you say to yourself if you were on the outside looking in? You'd kick yourself up the arse and luck him out wouldn't you?

Sugarice Sat 12-Jan-13 17:33:39

Don't feel sorry for him.

If you say nothing this will slowly eat away at you and make you desperately unhappy, even more than you are at the moment.

Do you really think that you can stay in this relationship knowing how he has behaved?

Can you go and visit your family to get some breathing space and someone to confide in?

xcharlotte1990x Sat 12-Jan-13 17:20:46

He's still here, I just can't bing my self to have the conversation, it's killing me. When he came home last night I couldn't do it, all today I have been able to do it. What is wrong with me? I even kind of feel sorry for him, knowing that yen we have the conversation it's all over. I jut can't believe how weak I am being sad.
I love him so much, this is killing me.

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 17:09:46

Being 22 is a bonus, not a problem.

It's great that you've got some equity and a job. You're in such a strong position.

Really what you're learning is that he's too young to settle down. It will probably be some years before he is and he mightn't ever want sex with just one woman.

If both of your names are on the deeds of the house and the mortgage if you can't afford to buy him out or him you, then insist the house is sold. He will have to pay child maintenance too. Tell him the relationship is over tonight and then get some legal advice after the weekend. If he's got folks nearby, ask him to leave.

Whatever you do, please don't forgive him and think he'll change.

He won't. If he ever does, it will be when he's much older.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Jan-13 15:45:55

Nobody gets into a relationship thinking their chosen partner is cruel, a cheat or a liar. Everyone thinks theirs is something special whether they're 18, 38 or 78. Sadly the divorce stats and stories like yours show that people can change and are not always what they first seem to be. I know it hurts a lot and good luck having the conversation.

izzyizin Fri 11-Jan-13 15:45:25

You're a dd and dm to be proud of, honey, and you deserve a lot better than a cheating, lying, piece of gobshite as your life partner.

Don't fall for any crocodile tears, falseprotestations of remorse and regret, and hollow promises to change if only you'll give him a second chance.

Make it clear to him that if he wishes to have any hope of salvaging your relationship, he needs to leave your home tonight and stay away until you've had a chance to process your feelings.

If you want to retain your dignity and self-respect, this is the ONLY way to cope with the discovery that the man you trusted with your life, the man who fathered your dc, is nothing more than a philandering twunt.

xcharlotte1990x Fri 11-Jan-13 15:37:14

I definitely look into the housing situation.
I'm really dreading him coming home I feel sick to my stomach.
I mean I know I'm no saint but I would never so this to him, I still can't get it in to my head that he did this, the sweet, loving kind funny guy has turned into someone he said would never be.
I really thought we had something special, that we were meant to be, maybe that where my naively comes into it.

AThingInYourLife Fri 11-Jan-13 15:20:17

Even if you were an irresponsible party girl you wouldn't deserve to be treated like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Jan-13 15:08:24

I'm very confident you're not an irresponsible party girl, don't worry. smile I was just thinking that this is a lot to cope with, particularly at such a young age, and that you're definitely better off out of it rather than wasting any more of your life.

Regarding the house you need to talk to a solicitor. If you're on the deeds and the mortgage (good move, incidentally) then you have a right to a share of the capital and you'll need that in order to start fresh on your own, whether that's in the same place or elsewhere. He will also have to pay maintenance towards your children.

He may want to stay in the property but, if he has a shred of decency, he will offer to walk....

xcharlotte1990x Fri 11-Jan-13 15:02:36

Yeah I'm only 22.
We have been together 5 1/2 years.
I know I'm young but I'm not one of these young party girls mum. I work full time, have a mortgage and look after my children 100%.
My mum says I'm an old head on young shoulders.

xcharlotte1990x Fri 11-Jan-13 15:00:51

Yeah that's why I thought about his family, they are lovey but if it comes between him or me they probs will go him, no matter what he has done.
Because he picks my dd up from nursery :/ he's going to have to bring her back, because she 4 and very quick for her age she will e confuse as to what's happening and be asking questions and getting upset.
I think I'm going to have to wait till there in bed.
We own the house we live in but I have a feeling he is going to want to stay in it even though I would too, how would that even work. Do I have any rights if we share equal in the mortgage and own 50/50.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Jan-13 14:58:31

Does the 1990 in your username mean you're only 22?

xcharlotte1990x Fri 11-Jan-13 14:57:27

Yeah that's what I thought an

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Jan-13 14:42:36

Don't talk to his family. Blood's thicker than water etc and they'll be reluctant to get off the fence. But do talk to your Mum. I'm sure she'll be gutted when it comes out that you've been home alone, suffering this anxiety and didn't feel you could talk to her. No matter how big your kids are, you always want to save them from hurt.

izzyizin Fri 11-Jan-13 14:39:04

Sling sufficient clothing into a black bag Pack enough clothing to last him for a week, call him at work and tell him a bag will be on the doorstep at x o'clock and he's to collect it and take himself off to live elsewhere - he can check into a Travelodge or doss on a mate/relative's sofa - until you have had time to come to terms with the magnitude of his betrayal of your trust and feel able to talk to him without wanting to cut his dick off calmly about future arrangements for child support/his contact with the dc/etc.

Start breaking the news to close friends and family members and continue posting here - within a week you'll have come out of the fog and will be clear-headed and clear thinking where he's concerned.

As you have written evidence, report the nursery teacher's affair with the dp of one of her charges to the nursery school head and give consideration to copying your letter to her present employers.

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 14:38:01

If you're in rented accommodation and you're on maternity leave and have no ties at the moment, can you go and stay at your mums or another relative and have the 'it's over' conversation at a distance?

xcharlotte1990x Fri 11-Jan-13 14:34:40

Not really my family live a bit away and in spoke to my mums who on nights tonight I haven't Sao anything to her about it was just enquiring,
It's mostly his family who live here an I don't feel comfortable ringing them and telling them, iykwim.

Sugarice Fri 11-Jan-13 14:25:04

Can you get a relative or good friend to mind the children away from the house for when he gets home?

xcharlotte1990x Fri 11-Jan-13 14:22:25

I reread the post I just posted and think Christ how can he have done that and how can I of been so stupid.
It kills me to know that when he was cheating on me with my daughters nursery teacher that she wa also looking after my daughter knowing full well she was doing her dad!!
Apparently she has moved jobs now to work for the council so I don't know of there would be much point reporting her.
I know I should ring someone but I don't know if I'm ready to do that just yet,
I'm just sat here with my beautiful lil not just feeling numb,
I just don't know what to do when he comes home, I don't want my children having to witness me kicking him out so I don't know whether to wait till there in bed or what...
What a fucking nightmare!

badinage Fri 11-Jan-13 14:20:00

None of this is your fault and the embarrassment should be all his. There's no shame in this for you at all. Your friends and family will want to support you I hope.

It's great that you've got a job to return to. If you're not the most independent person, hang on to that job for all its worth because it's the passport to your independent life, meeting new people and being able to provide for your children in the future.

As for understanding how or why he could do this, it's got nothing to do with you or your actions. He did it because he could and unfortunately because there are women who enabled it, but if it wasn't them it would be someone else as he's not fussy and was after quantity not quality.

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