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it's a new dawn, it's a new day dating thread 36!

(1000 Posts)
lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 12:30:38

Post away daters x

ike1 Fri 11-Jan-13 12:32:53

Well done Lulu. x

ike1 Fri 11-Jan-13 12:33:49

Are we gonna manage to fill this one up with mainly filth as well???

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 12:34:04

Thanks Flo for that!

Bant words of wisdom, as always, think I will explain that counselling is a forward looking thing, not a dwell on the past and that I am determined to change and deal with my insecurities in the future (maybe with some short term fall out though)

Ike totally get where you are coming from with the temporary step back from dating. In all honesty I don't think I can do that, I love being with him too much and there is a lot of laughter whichh I find really restorative.

Western, 48, Scrazy, Snape and all this thread is a life line, thank you

lubeybooby Fri 11-Jan-13 12:45:55

Place marking

48howdidthathappen Fri 11-Jan-13 12:53:15

Ike Of course grin

KirstyWirsty Fri 11-Jan-13 13:11:17

Place marking .. still going out with Mr Cheeky from work .. he is still being lovely and a total sex god to boot grin

48howdidthathappen Fri 11-Jan-13 13:19:15

Yep still going strong with Mr R&R despite all the stuff I have going on.

Hoping for oblivion tomorrow night all being well.

I seem to have sleep walked into a relationship shock

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 13:34:55

Following on from Lubey's posts at the end of the last thread, I've been thinking about my own situation recently quite a lot. LM is very keen on being open and honest which is great, it really is, but the problem is that I've not been open and honest. He knows the bare bones about the DV situation with my ex but not a lot (and tbh I don't want to go into it in any more detail with anyone, really) but I am feeling more and more compelled to talk to him about the effects.

Lubey has said very well what these are - the need for reassurance, the lack of self-confidence, and for me the total paralysis of whatever part of the brain needs to activate in order to be able to talk about emotions, good or bad. I have no idea if he's aware of the first two things as I try very hard to hide them, but it's becoming more and more of an effort to keep the mask in place and I don't want to do this any more. Not that I want to turn into a total needy wreck or anything, and I really, really don't want to get heavy on him but I do feel that I want/need to talk to him about this shit. I very nearly did it last night on the phone but he had a friend round so it wasn't the time.

I think though it might actually be easier for me to message him about it, at least as the first shot, kind of thing.

So . . . two questions.

a Should I raise this subject with him at all? and
b If I do, can I do it by messaging/text to open the door a bit and follow up with a proper chat later on?

Oh, and a final question - if someone did this to you, would you run screaming for the hills?

JulietteMontague Fri 11-Jan-13 13:42:04

Marking. I am meeting Mr Vague early evening. I'm just not feeling it and think this has to be make my mind up time. I feel quite down about it, he is another one of those where all the smug marrieds would as Snape said, say I'm being 'too picky'. I may need someone to come at me with my own fish later sad

JulietteMontague Fri 11-Jan-13 13:48:37

Western yes talk to him. Face to face would be better, but if you can't just outline it but let him know you are sending it and why. Or, maybe write it but give it to him when you are with him. Othelu*rwise, you risk a melt down at some point.

Lulu what everyone else said. If you don't want to step back, maybe try to give yourself a couple of days after the counselling to process stuff before you see him. He sounds lovely.

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 13:53:39

Western it was me Lulu not Lubey!!

Well I have told Mr Ex Army a lot about my experience, which was mainly controlling and manipulative behaviour with some physical stuff. I didn't even realise I was in an abusive relationship, until it ended and my Doctor suggested it to me and I denied the reality even then. So I am spending a lot of time reflecting on past events and seeing them through new eyes. and despite my fears of earlier today he hasn't run for the hills and he has dealt with plenty of shit he didn't sign up for in the beginning.

When I read your post, I see my thoughts in it - not that I want to turn into a total needy wreck or anything and I really really don't want to get heavy on him, do you recognise that even by posting that you are more concerned about the impact telling him will have on him rather than your own need to share who you are with someone you care about. And I only point that out, as it could be me writing that.

I think if you feel the need to tell him and open the door a little bit then you should. Maybe a little bit of information, an insight and then see how he responds - hopefully you can gauge from that how he would respond to more and build from there.

I think most people will say talk face to face, but I'm like you and I find it difficult to get stuff out of my mouth unless it's a meltdown and that's not helpful. so I have emailed Mr ExArmy when I couldn't say stuff face to face and he then brings it up on the phone or when talks more when he sees me. Having said that, I can tell he doesn't like all the gory details, or rather, it's not he doesn't like it, he just doesn't know what to say sometimes as it is an outside his realms of experience.

I don't know if this all helps or not?!

Bant Fri 11-Jan-13 13:53:50

I think a response I'd like to use when a smug married tells me I'm being too picky is to look at their spouse and say 'better than not being picky enough'

That's only for SM couples who I don't want to see again though

AndLibbyMakesThree Fri 11-Jan-13 13:56:02

Juliette, I hate having a date planned but not 'feeling' it - like you, I've found it quite depressing. But I think it's a good idea to see this as the date where you'll make up your mind one way or the other. Sorry I can't remember what you've posted about Mr Vague before - what are his good and bad points?

OWW, it seems you have a strong relationship with LM, and you said he likes being open and honest, so I think you should raise these things with him. What I've done in the past (as I'm a bit of a coward) is mention in an email that there's something I'd like to discuss next time I see Mr C, because that kind of forces me to bring it up whereas otherwise I'd probably wimp out. I think having to go on keeping a mask in place is going to be very difficult for you. And no, I wouldn't run screaming for the hills if I was him - I'd rather understand more about the person I was with, and why they react as they do, rather than having to guess at things all the time.

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 14:06:37

God, sorry Lulu and Lubey. My head's a mess today.

I think I am going to have to text him or something otherwise I will just keep on wimping out.

Well spotted Lulu - yes, I am more concerned about what impact this will have on him and whether he will want to carry on with me. That is the major worry for me in all this but it's got to the point where I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not and it's making me feel ill. I almost wish I'd never started dating. If I'd realised I was going to feel like this, I don't think I would have started. When I'm actually with him, it is wonderful, but it's all the crazy stuff I make up in my head when we're apart that is very hard to cope with.

He said he's going to phone me today so I think I will send a message this afternoon before he does.

JulietteMontague Fri 11-Jan-13 14:20:53

bant I'm with you on that one.

libby good points, he is great, we're on the same page, can talk about anything, we laugh a lot, nice looking, gym fit. Bad points I just don't fancy him, this may be because he pounced on me on first date and keeps pushing in different ways, he may be tight with money.
So I feel like its me when logically I know it isn't as I know myself and I'm usually very very tactile.

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 14:29:03

Juliette - well, giving it one more go is very generous of you. But, if you don't fancy him, are you sure you want to go tonight? Sometimes people can be a bit of a slow burner but it doesn't really sound like there's any possibility of that here with the pouncing etc. And a tightwad is never attractive. Where are you going tonight - your choice I hope?

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 14:29:44

western I think one of the side effects of abusive relationships is that you get very good at pretending to be someone you are not but the person you think they want you to be!

I am Queen of the amazing when I'm with him but go through private agony when apart.

48howdidthathappen Fri 11-Jan-13 14:32:31

I don't know any smug marrieds. They all have their problems. Some are staying together because of the house shock

48howdidthathappen Fri 11-Jan-13 14:42:00

Juilette If you aren't feeling it, it probably isn't gonna happen.

OhWesternWind Fri 11-Jan-13 14:43:06

Yes exactly Lulu - he thinks I'm very funny, happy, calm and confident. I wish!! Actually, I am that person too just not all the time.

Working up to sending message. Don't want to sound ominous or set him worrying. What should I say?

ike1 Fri 11-Jan-13 14:58:03

In fairness Jules you were being generpus with that assessment as you didnt even mention the leather coat and trilby....yeah a decision is going to have to be made soon because within reason moving onto the 'next level' will soon be on the cards...

lulubellaboozle Fri 11-Jan-13 15:04:33

western yes, maybe pretending wasn't the right word - presenting is perhaps better, you present the best parts and keep the angst hidden.

I'm trying to think of how to word a message, I know Bant was brilliant when I wanted to send an email to Mr ExArmy a couple of months ago .......

I think the idea upthread of just saying you want to talk to him will force the issue as he will ask you about it, but then you have to prepare what to say when he asks!

How about ..... I'm just sending you a quick message, because now I have got to know you better I would like to tell you a little more about me and my past. It's NOT anything to worry about, but I do keep losing my nerve when I am with you and I am hoping by telling you that I would like to talk to you, it will mean I have to do just that!

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 15:19:50

Hello & HNY dating thread smile
Haven't posted for several threads now (for a myriad of reasons), but have mostly kept up with the reading. Am pleased for those of you who seem to be in relationships, but sad to hear those of you who've been having more trying times. Just a couple of things that made me really want to post - but please ignore if my comments don't resonate for you.

lulu as your counselling is (unsurprisingly) bringing up strong emotions, have you discussed with your counsellor how you might handle these feelings? For example, whilst I'm not a fan of CBT as a standalone counselling style, there are scenarios where it is very helpful and this sounds very much like one. Another option might be the use of therapeutic journal writing.

Juliette I wonder why you are continuing with Mr Vague? You've mentioned that you are normally very tactile, yet you don't welcome his overtures. To me that's saying you plain don't fancy him and so strongly that it seems unlikely the situation would change. When one person is demonstrating their keenness by being touchy feely and the other is feeling groped, really what is the point of continuing?

As I said, just my thought and do ignore if they don't chime.

JoylessFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 15:23:51

Juliette a friend of mine once described the identical behaviour towards him by two women as being 'manhandled' by one and 'affection' by the other. As an outside observer, the behaviour really was identical, what was different was how he felt about each of them. He ended up having to apologise to the first one as he'd really upset her a great deal. This scenario keeps coming to mind when I read your posts on Mr Vague.

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