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Seeing a side to him I really don't like

(42 Posts)
SallysSong Fri 11-Jan-13 12:17:22

Partner and I have been 'unofficially' living together for the past month or so. I say unofficially as he's still spending two nights a week at his own house when he has his children.
We're currently saving for a deposit for a new house which we intend to buy together. We're hoping to move in about 6 months - therefore we have 6 months to trial us "Living together" in my house to see how we go.

Well just lately I've seen a side to him I'm really starting not to like. Firstly he's coming across as being really stuck up. He says stuff like "I'm not used to houses like this" (meaning my little ex-council house) and "the houses I've been looking at - the type I'm used to ... " (meaning big and posh basically). He said last night "I've been looking in this area but we need a decent area (meaning not my area!) and you need a cul-de-sac at least" why??? So we can keep up with the Jones'?

Another thing was "something that does my head in about your house is that all your plates and stuff have chips in them" - well I'm sorry for not having the money to be able to replace stuff whenever I want but if it bothers you that much you're welcome to replace them for me ... right??

And aside from all this nonsense I'm starting to wonder if he has a problem with my kids. He's always been great with them - fantastic infact and they love him but when he's talking to just me he whinges about them like says my eldest is childish for his age and acts girly and he's constantly complaining about my youngest one these days, doing impressions of him when he's playing up and zoning in on stuff he's done and going on and on about it. He has behavioural problems and a special needs statement but DP never seems to remember or even care about this. It surprises me how intolerant he is considering his own son has special needs (which I'm CONSTANTLY reminded about).

Another red flag for me is that he seems to see his own kids as being absolutely perfect and mine as being crazy, hyper hooligans. Like last night I said before we move in together the kids are going to have to meet. His reaction was "oh christ that won't happen for a long time, my lads couldn't cope with that". I said "cope with what?" and he said "well, to be honest I can't see my lads wanting much to do with your two. Your two are so inquisitive and hyper and my lads will just want to be left alone to do their own thing."

So in other words, his kids are too good to be mixing with my two? have I got that right?

Before anyone asks why I got with him in the first place, he NEVER used to be like this. He wasn't snobby (used to say about how his days being brought up on a council estate made him and he made the strongest friendships there etc) and he used to say my kids were great and he loved being around them and that my DS was similar to his DS and they'd get on great - now it's like the two will never meet as my DS will scare his DS away and he'll never see him again!

Infact, last night he almost said that he was scared his kids won't want anything to do with him after they meet my kids and are forced to spend time with them. His exact words were "My eldest might say "your house does my head in so I'm not coming around anymore" - this was blatently directed at my kids wasn't it.

BelleoftheFall Fri 11-Jan-13 12:21:52

It sounds like he thinks he's better than you and your children. And that he's entitled to criticise and pick at you.

...honestly, I'd tell him to take a hike. You and your children deserve more respect than this. I think these are true colours emerging here.

millie30 Fri 11-Jan-13 12:24:02

Please don't force your children to live with someone who doesn't like them. You are getting a glimpse at his true character, get rid now before he totally undermines their confidence.

Fairylea Fri 11-Jan-13 12:24:28

God no.

Dump and enjoy a take away on your chipped plates smile (we have chipped plates too, who cares).

I think he will just become more and more controlling and moody if you live together. Life is too short.

And I wouldn't tolerate anyone being negative about my children when I didn't see a reason for them to be.

FlatsInDagenham Fri 11-Jan-13 12:24:37

Good Lord. I'm not surprised you're worried about this. Thank goodness you haven't actually tied yourself to this man yet!

It's his attitude towards your children that's the most worrying.

Are you planning to have a serious talk with him? He needs to know his attitude is totally unacceptable.

TeaBrick Fri 11-Jan-13 12:25:07

He sounds like a wanker. Get rid.

Hatpin Fri 11-Jan-13 12:25:11

IMO under no circumstances should you be moving in with someone before your kids have all met and had time to settle in the bigger picture of your relationship, which means them all spending time together with you both.

I would seriously put the breaks on. Have you met his kids?

olgaga Fri 11-Jan-13 12:27:32

OP, read your post again. Imagine it was a friend of yours who had written it. What would you say to her?

For your kids' sake and your own sake, get shot of him. Don't waste any more time on him, he sounds ghastly.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 11-Jan-13 12:27:36

Don't move in with him, it'll never work.

I don't understand this rush to live together anyway. Whats wrong with just being boyfriend and girlfriend and living apart?

FlyOverTheMistletoe Fri 11-Jan-13 12:29:28

Sally he thinks he is too good for you - you and your kids deserve better that him. So - he doesn't actually want you and his kids to meet ?
I'm not going to use those words
but for your sake - and your childrens sake
you know what you must do

FairPhyllis Fri 11-Jan-13 12:30:20

He is testing how much he can chip away at you and put you down without you picking him up on it. He will only get nastier. Tell him to sling his hook.

dequoisagitil Fri 11-Jan-13 12:30:43

Well hurray for the trial period, is all I can say. Chuck the bugger out.

He doesn't like your kids, end of love story.

SweetSeraphim Fri 11-Jan-13 12:33:16

You shouldn't even need to ask the question really. He thinks he and his family are better than you and yours, and that's not going to change. I really wouldn't move in with him, his apparent dislike of your children will be apparent to them, and that would be horrible. He sounds horrible to be honest.

Sugarice Fri 11-Jan-13 12:36:12

I'm sorry Sally but he sounds like he could be a nightmare to live with and he is bloody rude about your children!

I would have to say don't do it and it's a blessing you sound sensible putting your childrens needs and feelings first.

What are you going to do?

LemonBreeland Fri 11-Jan-13 12:51:21

Agree with olgaga, read your op to yourself. This will really never work out. He is a snob who thinks he is better than you and he doesn't like your kids. You have no future with this man

Anniegetyourgun Fri 11-Jan-13 12:51:37

Realistically, do you think the nice "him" you got together is the real "him", while this rude snob is a temporary blip and he'll go back to being nice in a while? I mean, really? Be honest, it's not that likely is it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 11-Jan-13 12:58:42

People who are petty and snobbish are really not the kind you want to have around. I would be worried that you're only seeing the 'real him' now because he now thinks he's safe in the relationship, has his feet under the table, and doesn't need to keep up the pretence of best behaviour. Incidentally all that guff about growing up on a council estate was very condescending.... to me it sounds like 'I identify with little people like you because I used to be one myself'.

How long have you been seeing each other?

Smellslikecatspee Fri 11-Jan-13 12:58:55

Run away now

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Fri 11-Jan-13 13:04:22

Listen to a man when he tells you who he is.

Sugarice Fri 11-Jan-13 13:06:21

I've just re-read and the bit about him noticing chipped plates and cups made me think that he will also be a nit picker supreme, very very hard work to live with I would think.

AnyFucker Fri 11-Jan-13 13:07:47

Trial period has failed

Take note and dump

pictish Fri 11-Jan-13 13:09:55

He is testing how much he can chip away at you and put you down without you picking him up on it. He will only get nastier. Tell him to sling his hook.

This ^

He doesn't like your kids. He pretended to, in order to get his feet under the table...but it was an act. From now on in, his critisism of your kids will gather momentum. He thinks your kids aren't good enough to be around his, and he has made that perfectly clear.
He feels entitled to slag them off...and as time goes on he will expect you to agree, and when you don't, he will accuse you of mollycoddling them, being blind to how bad they are, and will get angry with you for not putting him first. He will end up resenting their presence. In fact, he does already.

Do not make your children live with someone who doesn't want them there.

BalloonSlayer Fri 11-Jan-13 13:10:02

He thinks it is now safe for him to show the real him. He thinks he has "got you" now, ie that you are committed to him.

Well done you for having a trial period. (Anyone else on here old enough to remember when a couple living together was called 'a trial marriage' ? But I digress.)

Chuck chuck chuckerty chuck.

MooncupGoddess Fri 11-Jan-13 13:10:35

Knob. Tell him, 'you're doing my head in so please don't come round anymore."

pictish Fri 11-Jan-13 13:14:12

Yup - now he has his feet under the table, it's time for him to teach you 'his way'.

This includes being a crashing snob, and hoping your kids will fuck off.

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