After being together for 18 years in England my wife and I plucked up the courage to move our family (3 children - 10, 8 and 5 at the time) to her native country 3 years ago this Summer.
Things went fine for the 1st year but I struggled with the language and because of that I became very isolated. My wife has always been a gregarious person (and I a loner) and as time progressed she became friendly with a number of people and although we still went out together she would spend more time talking to others than before (Not very surprising).
I don't really know why but during that 2nd year I started to lose the plot basically and would give her hassle when she spoke to other guys and resented the fact that the children and I didn't have her sole attention. (Writing this makes me feel very embarrassed) This continued for some time and getting progressively worse. I had become increasingly volatile.
Eventually things came to a head and I admitted that I needed a break to get my head together and I so I went for a break alone for a month in England. It was exactly what I needed. I was able to relax and get my head back into shape (I took some tablets which did me the world of good. I've always had depressive tendencies.). For the first few days I was there I wrote and received emails from my wife but as time went on she became more and more distant. Eventually the day before I was to leave England to go back to my family I received an email from her stating that she didn't love me, didn't want me back and that she had been completely faithful to me until this break of mine but had the slept with a guy on 3 occasions. I was devastated.
Obviously I wasn't going to give up on my wife (and children) that easily so I still went back the next day. The transformation in her was massive. She was very cold and distant and wore quite provocative clothing.
That was 5 months and although she isn't too cold and distant these days we have no life together. She goes out twice a week and only on 2 occasions have we gone together and each time she was miserable.
She has gone from being a sweet, cheerful person who put her family first to someone who is only happy when she is out or texting or on facebook. She admits that she finds it boring at home with us. She admitted, under questioning, that she is continuing with the affair.
My wife announced that when I got back from England that she had lost the job that she loved (she was on a 2 year contract that wasn't renewed) and hasn't had a proper one since. And I because I don't speak my wife's language have struggled to find permanent work and only teach individuals.
I just don't know what to do. I regret so much. I try so hard and read so much but nothing works. I know that she doesn't respect or love me and I'm trying to remedy it to a certain extent by looking intensively for work and have concluded that I would almost certainly have to move away from my wife and children in order to have a chance of a job and the thought scares me.
I feel so guilty and alone. I try to stay strong and positive but, at times, it is so hard (and at other times so, so easy). I love my wife but I don't like her most of the time. I prefer it when I am alone but then I miss her. I want her to go out at night enjoying herself but then I worry and fret and I struggle to sleep. I just wish I had a consistency of feeling.
Any comments would be grateful. I have left so much out otherwise it would be a novel.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Wife is having an affair and doesn't love me anymore
alias71 · 11/01/2013 12:00
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