Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My cheating husband dumped when I was pregnant, I am still devastated.

(179 Posts)
DontWakeMeUp Fri 11-Jan-13 04:56:28

I was living in Malaysia, we had gone there for my husbands job ( about 1yr 6 months) I come home to Uk to visit family and friends for 6 weeks as pregnant, fly back to Malaysia to find out he had been shagging some cheap filiphino bar tart for 3 weeks and didn't want to work our relationship out! We had been together 16 years. I was devastated. Can't believe he could actually do this, thought he had some morals. He tells me he hadn't been happy for last year and half ( time in Malaysia - I had struggled to adjust and wasn't happy myself!) he never said anything - always thought it was work stress! Bombshell. Anyway cheap slapper declaring undying love from day one and he fallen for her. She obviously looking to trap an expat husband for money.
Anyway 6 months on he has moved her in, I am back in our home in the Uk with our 3 and a half year old daughter and 1 month old son ( whom he hasn't even met!) He has played with my emotions all throughout the pregnancy - telling me he still loves me and at one point going to dump her and then not going through with it! I feel pathetic but I still love him and am still crying as i cannot believe the man I knew is capable of this kind of behavior. He was a good kind, caring man who would do anything for me. Anyhow he is coming home in 2 weeks time. I have recently told him we cannot be friends and have gone as no contact as possible. I can't believe how badly he has treated me and that he has just dumped his kids. He skypes his daughter twice a week but it's pathetic and she doesnt want to talk to him. I am an emotional mess, surviving on adrenalin. I loved him so much and we spent most of our time together - he was my best friend - how could he do this to us? I am trying to be strong but it's so tough. Help !

Mimishimi Thu 24-Jan-13 00:19:24

This isn't directly related to this thread but I've been watching quite a few of this Youtuber's makeup videos lately (didn't know how to apply really) and thought of you when watching this one last night. Her voice is really calming, like she's an old friend, and maybe it might help you as well in the 'not looking lost without him' department smile

Abitwobblynow Thu 24-Jan-13 07:22:40

How are you, Don't?

How many days till he comes?

DontWakeMeUp Thu 24-Jan-13 21:11:22

I'm stressed , incredibly stressed - he has arrived today late. I suggested 2 more afternoons access. I believe I am being more than reasonable about access ( just hoping its not too much as in its effect on dd). He is not having dd or meeting ds for the first time til sat. We are out all day tomorrow. He sent me a message today saying that he doesn't want to disrupt dd routine and that he wants to call me tomorrow if that's okay. I did message him telling him we need to meet to discuss the separation. I don't know if I want to talk to him tomorrow was thinking the first time we would have contact would be Saturday. Just feel a bit thrown and I feel like crying.
Oh I just at this very moment want to melt away and not have to face all this. I didn't need all this shit and drama, hurt and pain - I just wanted a normal, ordinary family life - with ups and downs not this. i remember originally when it happened i felt that I must have done something incredibly bad to deserve this to happen to me. I expected something to be wrong with the baby ( at one point I didn't care about the baby and was very negative about the pregnancy and this is when I went to my gp and asked for help - i can't believe i felt that way as i absolutely adore my son ) I still have two beautiful children and a roof over our heads. I don't have hundreds of friends but my best friend I have vented at no end. she was there at the birth, she has cooked me meals and brought them around. She has sent me text messages every single day, checking I'm okay. She has just turned up with bags of groceries to make sure I'm eating. Its people like her that that restore your faith in humanity when someone else has crushed it so badly. It's when a crisis happens you find out who actually is a true friend. It's those people that keep your head above water and keep you surviving! ( sorry if I've sounded a bit melodramatic about it all - I just have to get it all out sometimes!)

DontWakeMeUp Thu 24-Jan-13 21:31:41

I am making sure I will look as fabulous as possible. I have lost all the baby weight already and am back in my pre-pregnancy clothes ( this is down to him - i lost quite a bit of weight in the pregnancy due to stress , so I didn't have much to come off- when I think what he has put me through ggrrrhhh ! ) . I have had my hair done. If I can manage to smile, seem unconcerned and unaffected by him as possible I think this will really, really get to him. I think it's about time he stops thinking everyones going to fall over for him ( like the subservient bar slag and maybe still the MIL ) and starts facing the fallout.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Jan-13 21:39:34

Am so glad you have such a solid friendship close at hand, what a gem. You'd do the same for her if your situations were reversed. I don't think you sound melodramatic one bit - good grief look what H has put you through!

In a way although disconcerting that you'll meet up imminently, maybe it's better to see him early on, instead of knowing he's around and have stress of anticipation of what he has to say, on top of stress of seeing him and dealing with DD. Hope for the best, plan for the worst - you have done your homework and are smart and capable and have nothing to be ashamed of.

You have been right there for your DCs and your DS won't know anything different - as far as he's concerned you've been the centre of his world from day one. He and his big sister are lucky to have their mum to provide them with a safe stable loving life.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 24-Jan-13 21:42:24

X post! Excellent approach. Let him see what he's missing.

Abitwobblynow Fri 25-Jan-13 14:39:28

make sure you refer to her as 'Loveyoulongtime'.

If he is at all interested in anything soldierlike, he will know exactly what you mean [in Vietnam the whores used to proposition the troops saying I love you long time]

DontWakeMeUp Sun 27-Jan-13 03:15:50

Have managed to drop off dc and pick up. Couldn't even look at my husband . Only said a few words. Couldn't even manage a hello just said 'here is your son I will pick him up in 2 hours'. Loosing my resolve -have arranged by text a meet up Monday for a discussion - just want to message him now. Trying to be as distant as possible, but just want to tell him I still love and miss him. Does that make me pathetic? Just have to remind myself he is messaging loveyoulongtime and probably telling her how much he loves and misses her. It just all hurts so much again.

Mimishimi Sun 27-Jan-13 09:17:09

Don't tell him. Of course It doesn't mean you are pathetic for feeling this way but it will make you appear so to him, which will be gratifying to his ego and he will think that you are still 'safely' his. Tell your good friend that you still love and miss him if you need to let it out. Not that you want to appear overtly 'don't give a damn' which will correctly be perceived as bravado but if you act as though you can see a future without him, a sort of 'let's get down to business' attitude despite the hurt, he is more likely to have some respect for you and maybe a little bit of fear too? That he could be displaced.

SplatSplat Sun 27-Jan-13 11:44:12

Long time poster / lurker but namechanged

Please on no account tell him you love him and miss him.

This is not a man who has made a huge mistake and realises it and is wanting and willing to do whatever it takes to get you back.

He is no friend to you and you need to calmly treat him like the snake he is.
Cold distain is what to go for. After all, he has fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book, which makes him very very stupid as well as selfish and entitled.
This is not a man who is about to really face up to his mistakes, responsibilities and personality inadequacies any time soon.

To help you stop yourself from telling him you love and miss him, just remember that he has chosen her easy shag over you and your children when you were at your most vulnerable-^and continues to do so^.
Seriously ask yourself what kind of a man is that? Then imagine them together. That should help you to retain your dignity. You certainly will regret it if you plead with him now. I can promise you that.

Then think of your DD. What advice would you be givng her if this happened to her? Don't you think you deserve to take that good advice yourself?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 27-Jan-13 13:02:53

After so long apart of course you miss him. DD will have loved seeing him and you gave birth not long ago to DS. His reappearance reminds you of how things were and how they could have been!

Unfortunately he used your UK visit to jump into bed with some female he'd either just met or shagged behind your back previously.

When you came back it was all over for you and DD and unborn DS. Thrown aside like yesterday's old newspaper. Has he besieged you with calls pleading forgiveness? Begged you to return? Asked PILs to mediate? Er, no.

New woman new life. No prior warning.

It's a reaction to the man he used to be. He is someone else now. I am sorry.

DontWakeMeUp Sun 27-Jan-13 13:10:53

Meeting with him tomorrow morning out ( with son). Going to talk about a few things before I finally mention the Divorce. Stability with Skype times for our dd for one thing and a few other things I.e house repairs/costs etc... I know as soon a the D word is mentioned he is going to get nasty. I have told him we are meeting to discuss the separation (assets etc..) so you would think he has an inkling that I have sort legal advice. Just hope I can remain calm and not rise to him. Will try a 'softly' approach and try,try,try to be agreeable - ' what do you think?' although I'd rather just swear lots and tell him he is a twunt and how much hurt he has caused. Did think about putting a t-shirt on ds with 'worlds best dad' on it ! Know it's pointless as trying to get at him won't help anything.

Nevergrowingup Sun 27-Jan-13 16:44:58

Hi, I feel so sad reading your story, but don't expect him to come out of his bastard mode and return to being the man you knew. He will not have looked back and will feel no hesitation in hurting you more if it furthers his future plans. He will have told people a pack of lies and rewritten your past. That is why its important that you take control of your own future and don't expect him to see you or your DCs as a priority. Sorry to be so harsh.

Before you meet with him, work out the top five things you want to speak to him about and don't go 'off message'. He will make mincemeat of you if you descend into emotions and reperussions. Treat is as a business meeting until you know otherwise. Decide what decisions you need made before he goes away and insist you have answers, which you can follow up with a confirmation email. I wouldn't worry about being agreeable, just be civil and stick to your five topics. That will be enough for now and help you move on. Clarity and confidence. You can fall apart again when you get home, but not in front of him.

'World's best Dad'? He's a complete shit and should only be allowed into your DCs lives when he treats you with respect. Thats the message he needs to understand the most.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 27-Jan-13 19:06:18

He's been self indulgent putting himself first. From other people's accounts I have read many times how confusing it is when there is no overt animosity or apparent awkwardness on meeting.

The temptation is to leap to the conclusion (i) he doesn't hate me (ii) there's still a spark between us (iii) how can he look me in the eye without being thoroughly ashamed if he weren't at heart the same decent, principled, lovely guy I married?

It takes guts for you to see him and talk in a civil way allowing him reasonable access to DCs. It doesn't take guts for him to breeze back into plain sight, play Dad With The Most for a week before scooting back overseas to Lay Me or whatever her name is.

Let him make the running. Keep in mind you are primary carer for two under 4s and his marital vows vaporised leaving you humiliated and redundant overseas. So you have to look after yourself and DCs and not let him think you are somehow on standby as a safety net if his Malaysian dream bubble bursts.

DontWakeMeUp Mon 28-Jan-13 22:28:09

Met him today. told him i wanted a divorce and that i had sought legal advice etc.. It started off with him being aggressive about the finances as he didn't like what i was proposing. Eventually he 'calmed' down a bit and agreed he needed to take some legal advice .He held his son ( for the first time). I don't know it was hard as I still love the twunt. Why? I just do despite everything. I wish I could just turn off my feelings but this is sixteen years we are talking about and it's just not that easy. I did tell him i could never forgive what he had done to me and that i wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way he had treated me after he said he still 'cared' about me. I did get a bit tearful then but pulled it back. After making a few digs at love you long time whom I found out he pays quite a lot too ( and i did refer to her as love you long time) and whom doesn't work or clean the apartment etc. he walked out. Mentioning her prior to the digs made his face light up ( which obviously made me feel sick so he's still really infatuated there). Met him again, I called him and we met briefly- just to say I wanted things to stay civil and that I wanted a clean break with the divorce settlement etc. so then we would never have to see each other again. I suppose I had hoped for more emotionally from him ( stupid I know). Anyway after floods of tears ( once he had gone) I really stupidly sent him a text telling him I still loved him. Managed to claw back some dignity later by sending another message telling him that although I had said it ( i loved him) that I didn't love the man he had become as he was cruel and could abandon his kids. I said he was no good for me and that if he had any feelings for me at all he would let me have a clean break with regards to the settlement. I messaged also to say that I could cuddle the kids, they are the loves of my life and they are all that I really need. His last message to me is that his ds is the love of his life and that he did not want to abandon his kids now! More cheap talk - he will just walk out again.
Why does all of this just still hurt so bad? Why can I not see him for what he is and can still see who he was ( but I bet he is so sweet and lovely to the slag) why am I jealous, why do I still just care so much? Why when I looked him in the eyes did I just want him to feel something more for me, more than anything? I've still got days of him here and I need to steer clear don't I ? Love you long time will be overjoyed with me wanting a divorce ( this he pretty much agree with as i mentioned it) and he didn't make any comment when i said he could always start another family with her. I should have kept the meeting short and sweet and listened more to the advice I've been given on here !!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 28-Jan-13 22:40:53

sad For all the advice on here you will feel a pang and until you accept in your heart as well as your head it's over, it's just words on a screen. Please never berate yourself, 16 years and 2 beautiful DCs to show for it, your marriage ran its course.

DontWakeMeUp Tue 29-Jan-13 04:12:30

How do I get my heart to accept it? Will I ever get over this?
I just wish I wasn't here in the UK where I have all the happy memories of 'growing up' with my husband. Now he's back he is replaying like a movie in all our old haunts in my head. Those memories now are tainted as they don't seem to mean to him what they do to me. I just wish I could forget.

Nevergrowingup Tue 29-Jan-13 07:45:49

Be kind to yourself, you have been through an enormous event and one which will take time to work through.

You handled it brilliantly and don't worry about 'losing' it during your meetings. It will not be lost on him, but he doesn't realise this at the moment. How cruel of him to show happiness when talking about his slut. sad

Your heart will take time to get used to all of this, despite what your head is saying. That's completely normal. Its very early days.

Just be kind to yourself. Don't rush anything and for now, make sure you are financially secure. Don't even consider what other people expect from you at the moment. The future choices are yours and take time to work out what you want, not what anyone else thinks you want, or anyone else thinks is right. Its very early days here.

lonelyplanetmum Tue 29-Jan-13 07:53:44

Lurker here. Yes it is so so hard to move on after 16 years.... but you can do it. Take inspiration from the wonderful women on here who have moved on so successfully after 15,20 ..... 25 years- and ultimately are happier.
You can move on. It doesn't matter what your seedy DH may feel about the memories you share. You need to detach, detach, detach from what you think he might be thinking.

I have an ex who " wanted to be free" after our DD was born . So years ago I set him free. He missed seeing his lovely, talented, witty DD grow up. He missed her first words, first steps,first nativity play,first swim, first orchestra concert,her joy at her 10 stellar GCSE results, first boyfriend.Do you know what - she and I have had a ball. (I also eventually found her a new Daddy who shares my immense pride and joy). Ex missed out on so much. He is a fool.I don't know or care if he feels that great loss in his life.I do know that my life has been better and happier. His loss!

Do you really, really want some-one who has shown such a lack of a moral core. Who instantly looked outside your marriage rather than working on it. What would you advise a friend whose weak and seedy DH was unfaithful ,and had become infatuated with some bar tart?

Yes make sure you are ok financially. Have lovely relaxing bubbly baths, have your hair done, get outside into some green space and have whatever little treats you enjoy.

You deserve better.

lonelyplanetmum Tue 29-Jan-13 08:06:50

Oh and you asked how to get your heart to accept it .... Recite like a mantra " I deserve better. I deserve better" or another phrase of your choosing. Eventually your heart will feel that too.
You are worth so much more than him.

Salbertina Tue 29-Jan-13 08:06:59

Oh OP, am so so sorry sad
Please dont also beat yourself up for being human and lovung, dont berate yourself for your feelings on top of everything else! Accept them but yes, try to detach ..or failing that "act as if" and pretend to detach, kid yourself until with time it becomes real.
Theres a real expat angle here (speaking from experience)- could also help to post on Living Overseas?

Abitwobblynow Tue 29-Jan-13 08:13:10

Please make SURE you document how much he pays Loveyoulongtime and claim for it in settlement. That is wasting marital assets. In fact, claim double and you can always come down.

When he walked out he showed you where his loyalties lay. DO NOT try to 'reach' him believe me I know how futile that is.

The thing is, when narcissists find a new supply, you literally become a discarded object. You are the ariel on the roof I talked to you about, I promise you. Now is the time to get a SHL.

Mimishimi Tue 29-Jan-13 08:16:13

Nevergrowingup's advice is good. It doesn't matter what any of us say or think you should do ... You have to do what is right for you. In any case, it sounds as though you handled it as well as could be expected in the circumstances. It's completely understood that you can't erase your love of sixteen years for him in just a few months .

It might be of some comfort to you that practically all Filipino women that I've seen in Hong Kong ( there are lots working as domestic helpers) become rather plain in middle age. Yes, your DH still sounds infatuated by her but she will always be looking over her shoulder wondering if and when he is going to do the same to her. As improbable as it might sound to you now, I'll warrant she feels jealous of you and will continue to do so even after the divorce, even if you never/rarely talk to him again. You spent sixteen years with him before discovering he is a cheat, that is something she will never have. Whenever they argue,it will always be in the back of her mind that he might run back to you or find a fresher model.

Salbertina Tue 29-Jan-13 08:18:53

Just a thought, but think you. Should get spies friends on board back in Malaysia. Evidence- gathering and fetching any personal possessions??
God, makes me mad- i know of so many cases like this- in asia and where i am now. Always, always the bloody men who get their heads turned, f**king bastards! At least its not personal Op, its almost systemic in expat circles angry

DontWakeMeUp Mon 04-Feb-13 22:23:29

Well I've gone and met up with him a lot and he has said it's not over between us and is talking about dumping her again. We talked alot about our marriage breakdown and what we should have done and what we could do in future. So I have stupidly fallen for it. He doesn't want me to move on, he wants his cake and eat it. I've been drawn right back in. Anyway he has said he will dump her next week when her friend has gone. This is just a lie isn't it ? Why is it I remain a bit hopeful? I will then carry on the divorce and go back to no contact. I've had the "I love you and you love me" and the " I know what needs to be done I just need to get there" and " my intention is to get with you". He has told me he wants his wife and family. Only time will tell and I have made it very clear I am not waiting around. Am I just mad?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now