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My cheating husband dumped when I was pregnant, I am still devastated.

(179 Posts)
DontWakeMeUp Fri 11-Jan-13 04:56:28

I was living in Malaysia, we had gone there for my husbands job ( about 1yr 6 months) I come home to Uk to visit family and friends for 6 weeks as pregnant, fly back to Malaysia to find out he had been shagging some cheap filiphino bar tart for 3 weeks and didn't want to work our relationship out! We had been together 16 years. I was devastated. Can't believe he could actually do this, thought he had some morals. He tells me he hadn't been happy for last year and half ( time in Malaysia - I had struggled to adjust and wasn't happy myself!) he never said anything - always thought it was work stress! Bombshell. Anyway cheap slapper declaring undying love from day one and he fallen for her. She obviously looking to trap an expat husband for money.
Anyway 6 months on he has moved her in, I am back in our home in the Uk with our 3 and a half year old daughter and 1 month old son ( whom he hasn't even met!) He has played with my emotions all throughout the pregnancy - telling me he still loves me and at one point going to dump her and then not going through with it! I feel pathetic but I still love him and am still crying as i cannot believe the man I knew is capable of this kind of behavior. He was a good kind, caring man who would do anything for me. Anyhow he is coming home in 2 weeks time. I have recently told him we cannot be friends and have gone as no contact as possible. I can't believe how badly he has treated me and that he has just dumped his kids. He skypes his daughter twice a week but it's pathetic and she doesnt want to talk to him. I am an emotional mess, surviving on adrenalin. I loved him so much and we spent most of our time together - he was my best friend - how could he do this to us? I am trying to be strong but it's so tough. Help !

tasmaniandevilchaser Fri 11-Jan-13 05:08:20

Hi I don't have any good advice, but just wanted to say someone is listening at this early hour. Much sympathy, sure someone with more helpful words will be along, but for now take care. Focus on you and your children. Congrats on your baby!

saturdaymorningyawn Fri 11-Jan-13 05:19:16

Like Tasmanian I have no experience or advice I can offer but I wanted to extend a great big hug to you. Xxx

Timetoask Fri 11-Jan-13 05:28:24

I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot understand how a person can simply abandone thier family like that. Let's hope he wakes up and smells the coffee. It seems like some men lose some brain cells when thier reproductive apparatus is engaged.
Look after yourself and your lovely little children. Try to get all the legal advice you can.

Hyperballad Fri 11-Jan-13 05:34:39

I think he will regret this big time! But by the time he does you will probably be well on the way to being over him.

This is absolutely his loss, he must be living in some fantasy world at the moment, and when reality sets in, I think he will be ashamed and regretful. (he should be)

You sound like your doing really well, and keeping strong is so important for yourself and the children. But don't be afraid to ask for help, all this with a newborn must be so difficult, don't try and do it all on your own, be kind to yourself and lean on family and friends when you need to.

Thinking of you and sending you strong positive energy along with a massive MN hug!

Mimishimi Fri 11-Jan-13 06:08:28

You poor thing. sad There is a bit of that here in Hong Kong. In the majority of cases, within a year of them marrying the new woman the guy finds that she's been siphoning off all his money to her many relatives in the Philippines. Their expectations of extended family support are quite a bit different to ours. I'd say your ex will come out of this worse off but that's his decision. I'd organise for a third party to act as go-between if he wants to catch up with your daughter. Be careful about giving him any information as to which lawyers you have consulted etc, preferably don't give him any info.

izzyizin Fri 11-Jan-13 06:19:42

Here's a giant (((hug))) for you, honey, and many congratulations on the birth of your ds thanks

The adulterer is returning to the UK in 2 weeks' time? That should be sufficient for you to instruct a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law to file a petition to divorce citing his adultery and/or unreasonable behaviour and, hopefully, he'll be around to acknowledge receipt and sign it.

How long will he be staying in the UK? Have you planned for him to be introduced to his son while you are elsewhere?

I suspect that, having seen his newborn son, he will make further extravagant promises which he will have every intention of keeping ... until he sees Miss £ signs for eyes Philippines again - and you deserve a lot more than another ride on that particular roller coaster.

As to how he - and so many other lying lowdown twunts - could do this, it usually comes down to an ego that is intrinsically self-entitled coupled with an inherent lack of moral scruple and ditto personal integrity.

There's also the small matter of his dick him perceiving flattery as being sincerity when in the company of a conniving female.

All in all you're well shot of him and, although it may not seem probable at the moment, in time I feel sure you will incline to this view.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 09:22:23

No contact has been a good idea, he may have chucked away 16 years' of marriage but you are hurting and are bringing up his children. On top of all the upset and anger, you are probably still a mass of post natal hormones. As much as he has betrayed you there will still be a small voice in your head that says, But it's him, who I loved and trusted, my children's father.

He will seek to justify and minimise, re-writing your hstory together. Do get legal advice and forget the 'good' kind man' you married, safeguard your and your children's interests.

SirSugar Fri 11-Jan-13 09:30:35

If you should under any circumstances find yourself in the sack with him again make sure he has a full STI test first, then insist on condoms.

Just incase, not suggesting you will

Abitwobblynow Fri 11-Jan-13 09:40:53

This is known as 'lust-crazed dementia' and you are looking at chemically driven infatuation otherwise known as addiction.

There is absolutely nothing you can say or do, not say or not do to get through to him. Have as little to do with him as possible - for your own safety (I lived with him during this time and will never get over the humiliation and hurt, now I found the reason behind his cruel behaviour).

Consult a solicitor, maybe leave the children with his parents or a brother or sister?
Make sure you are protected financially.

Who is supporting you? Do you have family? Does he have family? What are their attitudes? Family disapproval might get through to him but you wouldn't.

Dignity at all times, OP.

Abitwobblynow Fri 11-Jan-13 09:43:17

Please please go to counselling. There are a few clues in your post as to excessive dependency (yes, we have to face up to ourselves in this as well) and you need to work on those.

Good little caring boys who do everything for other people, when they rebel, tend to rebel majorly.

thisthreadwilloutme Fri 11-Jan-13 09:51:56

Get angry and stay angry. If he wants you back he will have to work hard! We're you in KL? We lived in Malaysia for 3 years and there were a lot of affairs. Be strong, you are better than him. Do you really want him back after this?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 09:55:36

Ah but ABit, it was probably offered to him on a plate, what's a man to do. hmm

OP, you didn't deserve this, this must be soul destroying. Hope you have good solid rl support.

Abitwobblynow Fri 11-Jan-13 10:00:04

Donkey that is absolutely not what I am saying. Not one bit. He is 100% responsible for the choices he makes.

What I am saying is: use this pain to grow. If before you leaned on him, now is the time to know that you are the only one who will truly look after you, and start working on that inner strength.

I am not telling OP anything different to what I have applied to myself. Same set of circs, different continent... This stuff HURTS. At the moment, she will collapse in a heap when she sees him, and it is the worst thing she can do (BTDT).

Astelia Fri 11-Jan-13 10:03:39

So sorry to hear this, he fell for the flattery from this woman, who has now landed the big catch- a caucasian expat. I am in Singapore and it happens here too. Be strong, get legal help and protect your finances.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 10:14:56

ABit chill! I have read your posts long enough to know what you meant and I'd have hoped you might recognise me by now. I do not think for a moment you are condoning his behaviour. I was merely observing that this kind of excuse is too often trotted out by perpetrators to excuse their "out of character" behaviour.

Naturally I hope DontWakeMeUp will find the strength to cope and move on.

Sorry OP do excuse us.

DontWakeMeUp Fri 11-Jan-13 21:53:40

Thanks for all your comments. Lots to think about. I have made an appointment with a solicitor prior to his visit as I shall be telling him I intend to divorce him. I had already had an initial consultation when I first got back. I also am getting our house valued and shall be putting it on the market ASAP. There are too many memories in our home. He is in a bubble, paying for her ( apparently according to his mother she gets a 'small' allowance) she is just a prostitute at the end of the day. He 'loves' her and she 'loves' him! They don't know the meaning of the word. At the moment I am so angry. How he can wipe out 16 years, treat me like an utter piece of shit. He even messaged me at one point saying that I have never been second best! What a joke. He skyped his daughter tonight, I didn't get involved at all ( just giving limited one word answers to his questions). My daughter refuses to speak to him - not my influence. What does he expect - he is a million miles away shes not interested. He will have to accept some of the consequences of his actions. His parents live close and we spent a lot of time with them but the relationship has now become strained as his mother thinks the sun shines out of his backside. She likes to pretend everything's okay and that his behavior is acceptable. She will not say anything to him for fear of loosing him. It makes me so angry. When they have had my daughter and Skype called him they do a song and dance to pretend it's all happy families. Anything to keep their son happy never mind the fact he has abandoned his kids. Even if it was over between us he could come home find a job and be some kind of parent.
Yes we were dependent on each other, but I never saw this as a negative thing. You get on well with someone love and trust them you spend your time with them. Not saying I didn't have things going on outside our relationship. I gave up a good job which I had been in for 10yrs to go to Malaysia. He has destroyed so much - taken my job, my plans for our future, turned me into a single parent, tainted all the happy memories of our 16 year life together, tainted the joy of bringing a new life into the world, taken daddy away from my beautiful children. He has left me to deal with all the shit of sorting stuff out, raising the 2 children on my own. He has a maid to cook and clean, can come home from work to a subservient young little slapper showering him with adoration and being ever ready to get her knickers off. Sorry I sound bitter and twisted ! I am just so angry ( I hope this feeling lasts as it's better than sobbing my heart out because I miss him so much ! )

CabbageLeaves Fri 11-Jan-13 22:02:20

I think you are entitled to rant OP. Your ex is a selfish inadequate dick led prat. Vent. It's good for you

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 11-Jan-13 23:38:27

I don't think anyone would question why an apparently happy couple would trust each other to the extent you did. All the upheaval of relocation and then, at a time when you were at your most vulnerable, he embarked on his sordid affair. It is unbelievable OP and a further slap in the face when PILs still have him on a pedestal. Even if they don't feel embarrassed seeing you how do they blank out what he's doing to their grandchildren.

Well done for getting that appointment with a solicitor arranged and for seeing what the house would fetch. I wish you well and you are a force of nature.

Mimishimi Sat 12-Jan-13 00:10:17

It's possible that his parents are not quite so positive about it as you think. It may be an act for you to cover their embarrassment about his behaviour. If they ever ask you how you feel about it, reply quietly " I think your son has behaved shamefully" and leave it at that. No histrionics, no mention of the OW,give them no reason to think that anything which he has done has been justified whatsoever. Parents like that are usually very sensitive to people thinking that their children are dishonourable.

When he visits, I suggest as little contact with him as possible. If he wants to see his children, take them to his parents ( there's your third party). I have a gut feeling he will come back and say he regrets the whole thing. Listen carefully, if he places most of the blame on the other woman , please don't believe him. Whatever her faults or qualities, it was not she who destroyed your marriage. He did. It is a choice he could make again because very rarely is about the specifics of the woman they've been cadding about with, it's the youth, availability ( lots in East Asia), and attention ( they will usually only be servile until they think they've got him by the proverbial). Do you have anyone who can give you a big hug? I wish I could.

DontWakeMeUp Sat 12-Jan-13 09:14:28

My ds said last night that she misses daddy. She wants him to stay all the days. I asked her why she doesn't want to talk to daddy on Skype and she said she can't see him stand up. I have told her he is coming to see her soon. He is just going to upset her again. It just breaks my heart. I have a good mind to message him and ask him how he can live with his conscience - I couldn't. Should I ?

MushroomSoup Sat 12-Jan-13 09:17:05

No you shouldn't. That won't help your daughter.
Dignity at all times.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 12-Jan-13 11:30:30

It must be so hard but I think MushroomSoup is right and your earlier decision to limit contact as much as possible was correct. After all even if he appears to respond appropriately how do you know at a distance if he is just saying what he thinks will placate you and smooth the way for himself? Words are cheap, see how he conducts himself in 2 weeks.

BelaLugosisShed Sat 12-Jan-13 11:53:09

Dontwakemeup - have a search for posts by UnlikelyAmazonian - she knows better than most just what men who do this are capable of.
Don't give him an inch, take him for everything you can.

Abitwobblynow Sat 12-Jan-13 19:54:38

Well said Mimishimi. Please read that post many times.

"His parents live close and we spent a lot of time with them but the relationship has now become strained as his mother thinks the sun shines out of his backside. She likes to pretend everything's okay and that his behavior is acceptable. She will not say anything to him for fear of loosing him."

- and where do you think his internal permission to do anything he needed to make him 'feel good' came from?

shockingly, selfish people have a background of double whammy - emotional neglect, and overindulgence. As my IC said 'he has never internalised right and wrong'.

It leaves a huge internal HOLE in them, OP. I think the quiet comment 'I think you son has behaved shamefully' is a very good one.

can you get your job back? I think this sounds important.

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