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i dont know what to do :(

(204 Posts)
dadwithbaby Thu 10-Jan-13 19:10:32

I am a stay at home father looking after 5 boys youngest just turnt 2 having problems with the teenagers. My partner of 17 years was abused physically and sexually as a child but has been trying to carry on with life. That all changed a few weeks ago when all the past was brought up when our son was having a counselling session. She now walks away from me i am not allowed to show any affection (cuddles) or am i allowed to tell her how special she is. She says she cannot be in a relationship while she sorts herself out. I love her more than anything and it is tearing me apart thinking that she may no longer love me and also that she is going through this alone. She is now withdrawn secretive and staying out and it doesnt help that i feel low at times from the isolation of looking after the boys. I just dont know where to turn or how i can help my beautiful wife who is my world. When alone i just want to break down and cry and to be honest have done a number of times after she has said some hurtful things. :'( help please

dadwithbaby Mon 21-Jan-13 23:53:26

well im still feeling a little numb with the situation but as more things come to light the more angry and hurt im feeling. It seems she has been going to work and playing the emotional and physical abuse card.. I dont all i've ever done is tell her how beautiful she is and how good she is so if thats abuse then im guilty. I have now been informed that this was planned some months ago. How could i have been sooo naive and gullible. I kicked her out yesterday when she visited as she saw fit to rub my face it by saying how great he was and how he was soo much better than me sad nice to kicked when your down.
Our troubled son has caught her out in her lies and yet she tries to say hes imagining things. I only found this out today when i was with him seeing the psychiatrist and im angry about this as its the last thing he needs at the moment. I am in the process of securing myself and the kids but it will take time

Jux Tue 22-Jan-13 08:40:54

Hang on to that anger and use it to push through the misery and crap; anger is good for getting things done.

Yes, liars and cheats lie and cheat with everyone. How can they do otherwise? At least your son's psychiatrist knows the truth.

See if your gp can find some help for you. You would benefit hugely from rl help and the more people who know the truth of the matterr the better. Don't be ashamed to tell people.

If you were the abuser, if you were violent with her, why would she leave her children with you? Women flee with their children all the children. It says more about the person who leaves the kids than anything else.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 22-Jan-13 18:19:23

Hi Dad

To say I am utterly speachless is an understatement, she has blown all that idea about nuturing mothers out the water, all I can think is how dare she.

I see the impact that parents have on their kids every week, and sit there and watch them take the resposibility for actions they dont even comprehend yet alone are theres to take. Please be assured that you will be well supported here and we will give you the same advise we would give any woman in this situation.

None of this is of your making, but this will be the making of you, your kids will grow up to see what a strong male roll model looks like, and what to avoid in their relationships for the future. Contact the CSA and get maintenance from her and make sure yours and your boys position is secured like you said.

Tell your family and friends whats going on, and accept all and any help you need, this is not the time to be proud, you can already be that for the fact you are there with your kids and she isnt.


ThePinkOcelot Tue 22-Jan-13 20:46:31

I'm so sorry OP. You know this isn't your fault right?! You have done nothing wrong atI all! And what a cow, going on saying he is better than you etc - I hope it all comes crashing around her ears tbh!
Keep posting Dad, we are here for you. xx

BluelightsAndSirens Tue 22-Jan-13 21:15:01

Wow it's amazing how guilty they can make you feel without you doing anything wrong!

Lots of support and brilliant advise here on MN.

cronullansw Tue 22-Jan-13 21:28:59

Hey Dad, she sounds like a keeper!

Ok, seriously now, you and your kids have had a lucky escape, but you need to toughen up. She will realise that she was on a good thing with you doing all the housework and stuff and might be tempted to return.....

And Soldigold, are you sure about your earlier post, saying it's about her issues, not his?

Mother2many Tue 22-Jan-13 21:32:47

OP: Stay strong! Don't let her get to you! Your a huge influence on your children.... they will be watching you now, and in years to come... So remember that. You've been there for them, and will continue to stay strong...

It will hurt more before things get better, and she sounds like someone that has no problem stabbing you in the back and hurting you in every way she can... So, be cautious..

Go talk to someone too...and even get your children to talk to someone... Go see a lawyer... you might as well start the process as it doesn't get any easier with time.

Sending hugs to you and your children!

dadwithbaby Thu 24-Jan-13 00:09:11

Well im trying to be dignified and have allowed her to see kids whenever she wants on the condition that she doesn't rub my face in it.
Its strange how numb you can feel on the inside but i suppose thats useful for putting up with the whispers when out and about. Still feel physically sick most of the time but tomorrow have to be all smiles as its my sons b/day.
Shes slowly moving her stuff out atm a little here and there but still finding time to point out how the baby is distant from her and how upsetting it is. Friends of the new man are now getting involved and helping to spread the rumours and im finding it hard not to respond and put things straight but i feel that they are trying to get me to respond.
I am thankful for all the kind words that i have received.
Does it ever get easier because it seems that each day i awake to the same pain have to face the same people alot of whom knew and some of which were even complicit in their actions.
I refuse to be broken but i must admit im pretty damn close.
As for the children i am maintaining their usual routines and encouraging them to talk if they want to but atm its probably not really sunk in as they still see her daily as i havent restricted her access but the time she is spending with them is decreasing as the days past she is trying to focus on the youngest which im suspicious of as he's been with me since his birth (she's never got up in the night for him/looked after him when hes been ill ) i could probably count the number of times she done a nappy on one hand and im not exaggerating on that.

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 00:23:48

You're a marvel, man. Many others would have gone round the streets with a loud hailer making damn sure she was painted all shades of black.

Please take the previous advice given here and get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law asap, as I fear you're going to another side of your dw namely, a hard-faced bitch who'll try to get every last penny she can out of the marital home even if that means you and the dc are left on the streets.

I very much doubt that she's going to want a baby cramping her style but as it can't be ruled out, please take every means you can to protect yourself and your dc.

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 24-Jan-13 01:01:20

Formalise contact arrangements as soon as possible. Many women here have found that with no formal residency and contact agreement if the other parent decides they are going ot keep the kids after a contact session it is difficult to get them returned.

Your dw is going to go on about her rights with regards the children, it may help you to bear in mind the courts don't give a toss about your rights or her rights to a relationship with the children. They care about your childrens rights to a relationship with their parents, subtle but very important difference. This difference is one you should always keep in mind and approach all things from the point of view of which situation would benefit them most.

If there is a mortgage on the house you can get an occupation order which basically protects your childrens rights to live in their family home until the youngest is 18.

You may still love your wife and wish for a solution which has a happy ending, however for now you have to put your children first and cover all legal bases for them to ensure they have a stable financial future and a home to live in. Get the legal ball rolling now.

Keep diaries of contact and keep all correspondances/mails/texts as a precaution.

Never defend her but never bad mouth her either she will be a shining light or a forgotten memory in your childrens lives of her own doing, you will never be able to force the issue with her.
Make sure both you and your children have access to support and counselling if you need it. Look up childminders, surestart centres and all the groups you can which may be able to help you.

You are not alone in this.

IAmNotAMindReader Thu 24-Jan-13 01:03:56

With regards residency, it can be difficult to have chikldren returned as some police forces view parental responsibility as each parent has a right to full residency unless declared otherwise. Others may be more proactive, you don't want to leave it till a situation arises to find out which yours is.

notnagging Thu 24-Jan-13 04:06:46

I would second getting contact sorted as soon as possible. She sounds like she would quite happily split up the kids & take the youngest with her. I know it is all very raw but you need to get this sorted ASAP. Your children come first not her wishes.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt Thu 24-Jan-13 07:46:39

Hi. How horrible. I feel for you. Do keep posting.

You do need plenty of RL help too. Do you have friends and family that can help?

Jux Thu 24-Jan-13 08:39:50

Please, please, please get to a solicitor. You really do need to protect your position as your children's main carer.

You have no idea what your ex may do in the future. Worst case scenario for you is that she suddenly decides she wants the house and the kids and you are left with nothing.

Please protect yourself and your children.

dadwithbaby Thu 24-Jan-13 21:38:38

Im still struggling with this whole situation a little bit more of me crumbles every time she comes and goes but i have to endure that for the boys :'(
The boys have access to a family therapist if they wish but im not going to push them in that respect they will talk when they are ready.
As for myself I dont really want to talk to my family as it will polarise them and that could complicate things. Emotionally im a wreck want to cry but i cant i miss and am constantly thinking about all the little things that we shared but i know in myself that it was all a lie and that hurts more. I have to bite my tongue when she asks if i'm alright pfft as if im gonna be alright when she's walked out on me after i gave everything with someone who pretended to be a friend whilst planning this the whole time :/
Im holding it together while the boys are awake but its at night when i'm alone when the demons run loose in my head and just wont stop tormenting me. How many times have i thought what if and why didnt i see that.... then theres the whole it was planned aspect. My self confidence has been destroyed as has my trust. Im sorry if im going on but i just cant get over this whole situation and the way it was played out. I've cried and begged for a proper reason and got nothing i never once thought in all our time together that she could be that callous.
Its taking time to secure the house which is frustrating but i am pushing that atm just waiting for some advice to come back in terms of legal rights.
Thankyou for all your comments smile

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 21:54:44

Is the advice you are waiting for coming from a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law?

You might want to run it by this board or post on Legal matters to make doubly sure that you are being advised correctly.

Unfortunately, your stb (I hope) xw has indeed been remarkably conniving and callous and that is always a shock to the system of a gullible spouse who took what they were told by the adulterous party to the marriage on trust.

Now that you have learned the error of your ways, it's to be hoped you won't believe another word she says place your trust in her again.

Homebird8 Thu 24-Jan-13 22:03:49

Didn't want you to be alone this evening. It sounds like you're getting the advice you need re the house and the children. Doesn't make the internal turmoil go away though. I agree with the people who say that you can't rely on a word she says now. Are you sure there aren't any RL people who could come and be with you? Will your family find out what's happened from the boys? Maybe there's someone you can trust to be on your side who can help. Why on earth would your family back her more than you anyway?

Heavens, loads of questions! Don't answer if you don't want to. Hope your tears give you the release you need to be the best dad you can. It sounds as if you are absolutely putting the boys first. Here, have a brew

izzyizin Thu 24-Jan-13 22:31:21

Or a wine smile

dadwithbaby Fri 25-Jan-13 01:02:28

Its hard being alone after being with someone for so long and i miss the closeness i thought we shared. I have asked my relatives not to get involved in this situation purely for the reason that one of them may do or say something silly. My family are aware of the situation some of them and my son knew before me but didnt want to say or believe it was true. As for trusting someone atm i trust no one betrayal like this has removed that aspect from my personality for the time being.
Izzy i dont believe i was gullible just misplaced my trust in someone i loved for 16 years and it seems that me and the children were in her mind holding her back. I have to admit that their plan was quite meticulous i was isolated both she and him spread rumours of a abusive marriage. The emotional breakdown in front of my son's counsellor all painted a ugly picture so she needed a break from "me". Amusingly shes taken time of work with stress no doubt attributed to me to spend time with her new beau.
Looking back over the last few weeks its all so clear the way that she manipulated not only me but our children the younger one still thinks shes sorting herself out but in reality he just hasn't accepted that she left us for another man. She visits most days tells them she loves them does nothing with them hangs around then runs back to him.
I have a feeling im going to be single for a long time lol and has for having a drink i cant im on the happy pills although still waiting for said happy effect.

izzyizin Fri 25-Jan-13 01:16:19

Misplaced trust v gullibility - one and them same, really, aren't they? They both make you feel like an utter fool to have believed a pack of lies, no matter how carefully they were constructed to deceive.

She visits most days Why are you allowing this? She's moved out and if she wants to have contact with the dc, she can do so in her new home. Work out a schedule for contact to include overnight stays so that you can have some respite -especially at weekends smile - and begin to get your life together.

Don't worry about any untruths she's told others; if asked, simply state the facts in an unemotional manner and let others be the judge - they'll judge anyway so you're best advised to resign yourself to that somewhat unpalatable fact and not lose any sleep over what anyone else may think.

What happy pills are you on? Getting ratarsed is not to be recommended, but I'm not aware of many that prohibit having a glass of health giving red wine with a meal.

dadwithbaby Sat 26-Jan-13 14:54:54

I'm officially a sad muppet I have tried yet again to reason with her, i know im an idiot but i miss her so much. Like an idiot i stood in the rain waiting for her to bring our son back so i could speak to her looking for that elusive answer felt like the longest hour of my life did she speak to me nope sad dropped off the son and drove away yet again. It kills seeing the woman you love walk in and out daily knowing that shes going to back to him and that he can give what you cant ie undivided attention (has no kids). She doesnt think shes done a thing wrong but it hurts none the less.
Shes finally given me my phone back after wiping everything even things i needed for the boys ie text's from support workers etc. I know i shouldnt have but i hacked her fb easily done as i set it up for her like a mug.
All the time she been telling me to keep quiet about our relationship shes been slowly building the picture of the abused and neglected wife explains the looks i get from these ppl. Who the hells been raising the 5 boys for the last 5/6 years running themselves stupid to make sure they have all got what they need. I have run after her like a lapdog doing everything to make her life easier she calls i run like a sad collie.
I couldnt resist i sent a message to one of these confidents not offensive but stating that things were not as they thought and maybe they should think before they rush to judgement as they told her she was doing the right thing and not to take any shit from me. Shit what shit i've put up with being her stressball whens she been drunk and i know some will say good riddance but when you love someone unconditionally it sorta blinds you.
That empty and numb feeling is a constant companion at the moment i could go on about all the trash thats being put about me at the moment but whats the point i have well and truely been bent over and shafted. sad

dadwithbaby Sun 27-Jan-13 16:16:55

Well today It seems i grew a pair i have issued her with an ultimatum and told her that she needs to grow up and that she cant have her cake and eat it. She cannot walk in and out of mine and the kids lives daily with a quick hello and run off to him its not fair on me or the kids.
Its a choice she needs to make so i sent her away to think about it but have made it clear regardless of the outcome things have to and are going to change.

Homebird8 Sun 27-Jan-13 19:47:05

Well done Dad. You and the DCs need some structure and turning up in the programming of everyday life like a 30 second cheap ad. for 18-30 holidays is not good for them.

Sending you a hand hold for a good decision to call her on it.

Xales Sun 27-Jan-13 19:59:45

Please now that you have issued her an ultimatum get to a court as soon as you can and get the paperwork completed to give you official residency.

If she comes tomorrow and takes the youngest or several of them there is nothing you can do legally to make her bring them back.

You may think she never would. You thought she would never lie to you, cheat on you and abandon you and the children. She has.

You don't know what she is capable of however she is many steps in planning ahead of you.

Do this for yourself and to protect your children if she gets really nasty now you aren't laying in front of the door with 'wipe here' written on your back.

dadwithbaby Tue 29-Jan-13 00:31:39

Lets just say the ultimatum didnt go down too well. Everythings my fault i drove her to it, and i've got what i want now are just a few things that were said others being far more colourful. It clear that she is continuing to focus all her anger on me and using this anger to justify what she is doing.
Shes said she will come back if i leave and i said thats not gonna happen you walked out and chose another man over me and the children.
The baby is increasingly clingy and wont sleep in his bed needs almost constant reassurance and our son who is self harming has cut his legs badly. She doesnt think this is a consequence of her actions and her words her leaving was being cruel to be kind as we all needed to learn a lesson.
She has now decided that she can longer be with me but feels entitled to walk in and out of the house and the kids lives as she seems fit saying its no different to her being at work and then coming home.
I must admit i went mad when she dismissed the baby and our son saying that we drove her to her actions her expression didnt even change when she said this. I did shout and tell her to leave she refused and all hell let loose (no violence ) she dragged up things that had never happened and dismissed our last year or so together as a waste of her time and made a point of getting the kids involved saying it was all my fault.
She eventually left and left me with the kids to answer many questions of which i have answered as well as i can. I cant believe that she's being so cold and hard. She believes that i should let her split the boys up and i have point blank refused.
Tomorrow when she sees the boys im just gonna hide in our room and sit it out i cant face her or the arguing over this situation

I have been to the council and made them aware of the situation and tomorrow will speak to the h/a.

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