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would you date a transgendered man?

(481 Posts)
ecofreeek Thu 10-Jan-13 19:02:47

I am in my late 30's and single (divorced). Recently though work I met a man who seemed really nice. We flirted a bit and last weekend he asked me out for a drink. It went really well, nice snog! and we arranged to meet for dinner this week

At dinner he told me that basically he used to be a woman. He has had testosterone treatment for many years and both breasts removed and a hysterectomy. But not the surgery that makes a penis...

I really like him. But I'm a bit freaked out. I guess that's why he told me 'early' in our dating... I dont want any more children s thats not an issue... its the whole man thing - he looks like a man, acts like a man and I would never have guessed that biologically he is not a male...

the sex thing ....

would you date a transgendered man >?

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 10-Jan-13 19:53:26


While we think that this is a valid discussion, please bear in mind that we will remove transphobic posts.

CabbageLeaves Thu 10-Jan-13 19:53:30

I wouldn't Penises are quite important in my relationship. Not more, than anything else, but nonetheless important

Thewhingingdefective Thu 10-Jan-13 19:53:36

I would find it very weird, but as I am not in your circumstances I can't accurately say how I'd feel and what I'd do.

Just take it slowly and enjoy getting to know each other, but do be upfront and honest if his transgender is a problem for you.

xkittyx Thu 10-Jan-13 19:53:42

Gender isn't binary. Some people are born intersex. It's just that up till now they have been surgically altered, without their consent, to whatever sex their parents/the doctors have picked for them.
I also remember a case where an I think Spanish sportwoman was tested and had XY chromosomes. She had had no idea, seeing as how she had breasts and female genitalia.

CabbageLeaves Thu 10-Jan-13 19:54:00

One penis at a time I should clarify grin

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 10-Jan-13 19:54:19

It's not the people who say they wouldn't, themselves, want to have sex with a transperson - that's still bigotry but it's the sort of bigotry that's kind of allowable, in that it's up to any individual to choose who s/he would or wouldn't have sex with, on any grounds whatsoever. It's the bigots who can't stop themselves from making unneccessary nasty remarks about transpeople who are getting called on it.

Teeb Thu 10-Jan-13 19:54:19

I'm bisexual and have had sex with women and enjoyed it, but Purity PIV sex is all that for me which is why I lean towards relationships with men mostly.

Men with penises.

monkeyfacegrace Thu 10-Jan-13 19:54:29

How is it bigotry?

I understand the concept, the idea. If this person had had full surgery and had a penis/no womb, it would be a different scenario.

The fact is, I am not homosexual, and to sleep with a person who had female organs would not be an option.

Nobody is judging the person. We are saying we couldnt have a hetrosexual relationship.

Greensleeves Thu 10-Jan-13 19:54:29

agree Maria33 that sexuality isn't binary

but why is it wrong only to want to sleep with males who have male genitals? I don't think people deserve to be called fucking closed minded bigoted heteronormative mundanes for that confused

KidderminsterKate Thu 10-Jan-13 19:54:44

honestly i think I'd struggle with this. I would be able accept and treat them as a male but don't think I'd be comfy establishing any intimacy when the genitals are essentially female. I'll be honest and say I know little of gender reassignment but presumably he'd need clitoral stimulation to achieve climax and that's not something I could do. Has he had sex with a hetero female? would u feel comfy asking how that bit worked?

msrisotto Thu 10-Jan-13 19:56:30

Even if a penis were constructed, they're decorative, not functional right?

Greensleeves Thu 10-Jan-13 19:56:56

oh. well fwiw I agree that the "mutilated" comment was vicious and weird. But I can't agree that only wanting vanilla PIV sex is "bigoted", that's quite obviously bullshit.

SirBoobAlot Thu 10-Jan-13 19:57:15

I had 'friendship with benefits' with a woman a while ago who used to be man. Honestly can't say it was any different to any of the other women I have be involved with, except that she was better with her hands grin

He is a man. He has confided this in you, and you like him. You would be happy to pursue a relationship with him if he hadn't have told you this, so don't let the fact he has had an operation in his past change things now.

chibi Thu 10-Jan-13 19:57:39

is there an obligation to sleep with people you aren't attracted to, because they are nice, or have been through a lot?

those poster who would not sleep with a transman are saying it is the fact that this transman does not have a penis (but rather a vagina) that changes whether they would otherwise be attracted

is it bigoted to not find some people attracted? are lesbians bigoted because they do not sleep with men?

i think it needs to be dealt with sensitively as there are . people's feelings involved, but i can't see how fucking someone you are not interested in sexually is a good basis fir a relationship

PureQuintessence Thu 10-Jan-13 19:57:48

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Teeb Thu 10-Jan-13 19:57:49

I stand corrected risotto but I believe they can be operated by some sort of inserted pump.

xkittyx Thu 10-Jan-13 19:58:36

I'm not taking issue with people saying they wouldn't sleep with a transgender person, your choice who you shag.
But if someone identifies as a man it's pretty disgusting to call them a "mutilated woman".
And there's also the fact that people are stating gender is binary which is just plain incorrect.

Maria33 Thu 10-Jan-13 19:59:29

Greensleeves - genuine question. Would you be ok if he was post - op with functioning penis? Not even ure if the technology really exists to do this to a satisfactory level yet, but in theory?

PurityBrown Thu 10-Jan-13 20:02:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluestocking Thu 10-Jan-13 20:02:20

Greensleeves, gender is not binary. Most human societies (but not all) have traditionally imagined it that way. But significant numbers of people are born with intersex genitalia, without even mentioning the people who don't feel entirely at one with their socially defined gender roles.
OP, I personally would find this situation rather exciting.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Thu 10-Jan-13 20:02:21

No one is saying the OP should sleep with this man if she doesn't want to. But there's a difference between declining a sexual relationship with someone for any reason whatsoever and being insulting about the person. If a man said, for instance, 'I wouldn't sleep with a fat bird', we'd call him on the rudeness, not the sexual preference.

TheDarkestNight Thu 10-Jan-13 20:03:47

Wow, I'm quite surprised at how many people think transphobia is acceptable. To clarify, it's not the people saying that they wouldn't sleep with a transgender man who are being transphobic. It's all this 'gender is binary', 'mutilated' business which is just horrid.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Thu 10-Jan-13 20:05:10

Honestly? No, I don't think I could be in a sexual relationship with a transgendered man. Like BOF, I appreciate the male sexual organs, and I think I would miss them. But this is abstract. If I met a man, was deeply attracted to him, thought he was a potential life partner etc....who knows?

Greensleeves Thu 10-Jan-13 20:05:18

OK, gender isn't binary. I had always thought that it basically was but that there were occasional variations (like red and white campion, occasionally you get one which is a mixture of the two?)

but I stand corrected and will not refer to it as binary in future, now that I see how important and emotive it is. My bad.

I still disagree that being heterosexual is bigoted though hmm

Caladria Thu 10-Jan-13 20:05:49

If I liked him, and fancied him, I guess I'd try to be as honest as I could and see how it went. He sounds like a brave and open man, and that's a decent start.

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