anyone ever felt like this ?

[kellygreen]

is it possible to really love your dh but also hate him when both emotions are strong ? how do i kniow which is real ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What's that old Chrissie Hynde song... 'there's a thin line between love and hate'?

You're allowed to feel different ways about the same person. Rather depends on what they're doing or saying at the time. It's all 'real'. If you're actually asking which should take priority then that's a judgement call depending on the severity of the hatred and the reason behind it.

Why do you hate your DH? What did he do?

[AgathaF]

I don't think you should need to question that if you love him.

[kellygreen]

far too long to write and i cant beleive (after yrs of lurking) ive actually posted !
he says its all me but from what ive read over the years he emotionally, verbally and at times physically abusive.
i have days where i feel like im loosing my mind.
weve been married 15 years and i love him so much. i guess im starting to give up hope now thatll he'll ever love me or change.

[joblot]

Kelly that's so sad. He doesn't deserve your love if he has abused you. Totally unacceptable. What are you planning to do?

[joblot]

Well done for posting btw. Its like murder- the first one's the hardest

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Ah... then you should look up Stockholm Syndrome (sorry for Wiki link). The relationship of abuser and victim can mirror that of captor and hostage. Survival instinct can mean that you, the hostage, become unnaturally close to him, the captor, in an effort to curry favour and prevent yourself coming to harm.

These (positive) feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness

Does that ring any bells?

[kellygreen]

sit it out another 15 probably.
i feel i can cope ok in this marriage if i can undetstand his behaviour and see its not always me.
if we didnt have dc id have gone years ago. but we do.
i suppose i was posting because at times i dont understand my feeling towatds him. ive never been in another relationship, as i met him when i was young so dont know what the norm is !

[kellygreen]

joblot , thank you :)

[kellygreen]

cog, makes me sad reading that but thank you. suppose the truth is hard to here.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When you're the victim of abuse, it's never your fault. Abusive men don't need a reason to be abusive. They simply are abusive. In a good relationship people can have differences of opinion, voices can get raised, they can even get on each others' nerves.... but they will never resort to violence, threats, aggression. In a good relationship there will be a lot of positive encouragement, support, freedom, trust and kindness .. not pettiness nit-picking, belittling of ambition, jealousy or restriction.

When you're the victim of abuse, it's never your fault.

[AgathaF]

What has made you finally post. Are you reaching a turning point?

How old are your children?

[kellygreen]

ive got a question, if thats ok. some of the points you made about a positive relationship confuse me. for example, several years ago my husband really encourage me to do s college course (one night a week). he was positive, kind etc. but then once id started it he completely sabotaged it ! id understand if id gone without his permission but it was his idea !

[kellygreen]

agatha, not so much turning point just that its all getting to me at the moment.
i have seven very young children and no family.
my husband spends most of his weekdays at work and im at home all day.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It could be that the college course incident was a case of 'setting you up to fail'. Giving you false hopes and then snatching it away. Either that or he was genuine in his encouragement originally but changed his mind if you were enjoying yourself, meeting other people or something else that made him jealous.

Emotional abusers (or bullies in general) enjoy crushing someone's spirit. It's how they maintain a feeling of superiority.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you have no family, do you have friends you can talk to IRL about this?

[StuntNun]

OP you might like to read this book The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engels. It will help you to understand the source of your DH's abusive behaviour, and gives tips on how to deal with abusive behaviour. I read it and now I see that my DH was blindly following the patterns laid down by his parents as well as trying to compensate for their deficiencies.

[kellygreen]

just wish i knew what went on in his head !
i dont have any close friends. i know loads of people to say hello to but thats about it.
thanks for your advice, it helps gettimg someone elses perspective.

[kellygreen]

funny you mention youre dh parents.ive often thought thats the route of my dh problems.
unfortunately, cant get book as im not allow a debit card :(

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Do you have transport? Can you check up community activities in your local area and maybe join in something sociable... make some new friends? Another common feature of abusive relationships is that the victim gets isolated. Methods include restricting movements, scaring off friends, checking where you are all the time, making a social life difficult, depriving access to car/money/driving licence.. ...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Not allowed a debit card? If he controls your access to money in order to severely restrict what you can do then you can add 'financial abuse' to the rest.

[kellygreen]

id never really thought much about the financial part. tbh i dont want access to money incase i get blamed for misusing it.
i am aware hes cut me off. years ago i had a good job, money loads of friends etc.
i do have a car for school run i live in a part of the country im not from but know it fairly well now though.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Yet you think you can ride this out for another 15 years as long as you can understand it? What's going to be left of your soul in 15 years?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're going to need that money because I think you're allowing yourself to contemplate life without this bully. With seven children, even if you just had the Child Benefit paid into your own account you'd have quite a balance in a short space of time. I'm assuming you're in the UK?

[kellygreen]

i have days where i really dont feel like i can but on the whole, yeah i hope so. dont have a great deal of choice.
hes hardly around in the week due to work which makes it a lot easier.
i feel im not the person i should be if that makes sense. and i wonder what life would be like with someone else but i love my kids so much that it makes life seem good.

[BertieBotts]

That's okay, keep posting here instead. The wonderful, strong, amazing women of mumsnet are here for you.

You say you would have left years ago if it wasn't for the children. Is that because of practical reasons, because you worry how you would cope with or provide for the children alone? Or is it that you don't want to break up the family? You know you have a right to be happy yourself? Don't underestimate how important that is, especially for the children.