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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Torn between wanting him here all the time and feeling a bit of a mug

88 replies

ShannyS · 10/01/2013 08:58

DP and I have had a very rocky time since the New Year to the point where we very nearly split up. At one point, I was absolutely convinced we were over. But we talked and he promised that he'd prove to me that he was 100% committed to our relationship.

Since then he's stayed at my house every night other than Saturday night (which is when he has his kids). I asked him during our argument where this staying over thing was going (as it's been gradually increasing as time went on) and wondered if he wanted to move in. He said he was happy as things were and he wanted to keep it the same for now. When he said this, he was staying over around 4 nights a week. Now it's 6 nights a week and I'm starting to wonder if I'm being a bit of a mug. I mean, lets face it - he's practically living here without the responsibilty that comes with officially moving in somewhere.

I love him being here, love his company and don't begrudge it but when I'm feeding an extra person every night and more electric/water/gas etc is being used and my house is filling up with "bloke stuff" I can't help thinking he's taking his cake and eating it! Perfect set up really isn't it. Live somewhere 6 nights a week but don't make it official and avoid having to contribute.

He does loads around the house, loads of chores as well as DIY and he's great with my kids but I'm confused. I asked if he wanted to move in and he said no. Do I give him an ultimatum and say he either moves in properly or spends more nights at his own house or am I just biting off my nose to spite my face as I actually really enjoy him being here?

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2013 09:02

Well he's not '100% committed to your relationship' for a start. Of course he's happy eating your food, using your utilities and sharing your bed. Bet it keeps his bills right down! He's what you call a 'cocklodger'.... Why do you never stay at his house? (And have you posted about this man before?)

If you're happy for him to be around, ask him for a decent financial contribution to the bills, food etc. And I don't mean a casual £20 here or a few groceries there. If he says 'no'... kick to the kerb.

MorrisZapp · 10/01/2013 09:06

He doesn't have to move in, but he does have to contribute if he's there most of the time. Ask him to chip in.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2013 09:08

See from your other thread that he's got a dose of thrush at the moment and you seemed to think he'd been screwing around. Aside from the infection, any other reason for thinking that?

ShannyS · 10/01/2013 09:10

No it wasn't that I thought he'd been screwing around, just that we've been rocky and all of a sudden he gets thrush. I'm just being paranoid I think.

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CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:11

Am shocked he isn't contributing financially? I had a bf like this he slowly moved in and wasn't coughing up. Soon got shot. He turned out to be a right weirdo though so was good all round. Also made himself useful doing chores etc.. but no cash! He made out he was skint but I found a bank statement one day Fucker!

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:12

How long have you been with him?

pictish · 10/01/2013 09:12

I love him being here, love his company and don't begrudge it but when I'm feeding an extra person every night and more electric/water/gas etc is being used and my house is filling up with "bloke stuff" I can't help thinking he's taking his cake and eating it! Perfect set up really isn't it. Live somewhere 6 nights a week but don't make it official and avoid having to contribute.

Tell him exactly this ^.

He couldn't possibly argue with you. If he does you'll know he's a cocklodger of the highest order.

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 09:13

I wouldn't demand he moves in, or make an ultimatum, because it should be a happy thing, a new start together, something you both actively want. Not something someone passively accepts (you) or that you're pressured into (him).

But he should be contributing financially if he's staying over that much.

I'd be wanting him to buy in the shopping at the very least. I think I wouldn't let him stay over as much. Why don't you go out together and have fun instead?

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 09:15

He's very unlikely to get thrush on his own, it's not usually a male thing as far as I know.

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:16

pictish how do you put all that in bold? You don't do it one word at a time do you? I've just always wondered?

ShannyS · 10/01/2013 09:17

He's really not short of money, he has a good job and a good income and no real outgoings at the moment as he's looking after his sister's house and 'officially' living there at the moment so he doesn't even have rent/mortgage to pay. Just a bit of board which he gives to his sister.

I don't want to pressure him or make him think he's not wanted and maybe he's just spending so much time here as he's trying to work out how we get on full time before taking the plunge? maybe he's gearing up to asking to move in? but how long do I accept this routine for, I mean, it could be going on months!

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CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:19

ShannyS sorry but that sounds even worse. Please take the blinkers off and see he's taking the piss. Why did he split from the mother of his dcs in hisopinion?

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 09:21

Oh, he's totally a cocklodger then - doesn't even have his own bills to pay and is basically living off you 6 days a week.

I hope you're not washing his socks.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2013 09:21

You don't accept it at all. He's taking you for a fool and I can't understand why you'd let him. Paying a bit of board to his sister, no outgoings, nothing to you, has a wallet as fat as a telephone directory .... and doesn't even take you out for dinner? WHo cares if he's gearing up to ask to move in?

Who's paying for this trip to the US? Him?

ShannyS · 10/01/2013 09:25

He does take me out, around once a week we either go out for a drink or a meal. He's also paying for the majority of the trip to US and has bought me a new camera for it etc.

But yes, I am washing his socks he puts them in my laundry basket (awaits backlash) lol

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expatinscotland · 10/01/2013 09:26

He's a cocklodger. And the thrush? He's screwing around.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2013 09:26

Glad he's paying for the holiday. If he's doing that it shouldn't be a problem to get him to pony up for a share of the household bills. What have you got to lose?

dequoisagitil · 10/01/2013 09:27

He needs to be paying you board & keep, my friend.

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:28

Is there an age gap at all? Sounds like he wants a mother figure?

Conflugenglugen · 10/01/2013 09:28

Shanny - it's often difficult to get a rounded view of a relationship from a few posts, but the one thing that is entirely clear is that you don't consider yourself an equal. You have every right to speak up for yourself, and to ask for what is due to you. If you don't have that, then I don't believe you have a working relationship, imo.

ShannyS · 10/01/2013 09:31

He's 10 years older than I am and I sometimes think he see's me as being quite naive/gullible as a result. He often speaks to me in a way that suggests he thinks of himself as being the more experienced/mature one. Like when I started my new job he was all like "yeah it's like that when you start work, I used to feel like that when I was younger/your age etc ... " and it sometimes comes across like a pep talk from my dad!

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delilahlilah · 10/01/2013 09:32

I think you have two options, either wait and see or revoke his 'extra' nights. Send him home a few times. If he doesn't like it, he will notice and hopefully do something about it. Restrict him to being a guest. Send his laundry home with him, whatever. He doesn't sound like he can't see any future as you say about trip to US etc, he just doesn't see a 'need' to alter the status quo as he's getting everything his own way at the minute.

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expatinscotland · 10/01/2013 09:33

Oh, good grief! He's getting free laundry, too.

ShannyS · 10/01/2013 09:34

I'm thinking of restricting him back to 3 nights a week from next week. I agree, he's getting everything he needs right now without having to change anything. If he's restricted to 3 nights a week I'm hoping he'll start to consider asking about us living together properly.

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Numberlock · 10/01/2013 09:34

he was 100% committed to our relationship

Christ, no wonder he's committed to this relationship - he's got free board and lodging, laundry service, kitchen staff, personal shopper... You'd not get this good service at the Ritz-Carlton!

Not only would I be laying the law down about the finances, I also would stop being available 6 nights a week. I'd start being hard to get hold of, out with friends etc etc. It's not healthy to spend that much time together.

And so what if he's paying for your trip to the US and a camera? He'll still be quids in with no household/living expenses.

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