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How do I stop sweating the small, small stuff? am I just neurotic?

(8 Posts)
beingpettyornot Wed 09-Jan-13 21:19:30

Had my 20week scan last week. During scan, my phone went off and i was genuinely pleased as I thought it was DH eager to know about scan results. It wasn't, was a friend.
During journey back home (roughly an hour) I waited for a phone call after sending him a jokey text about the gender reveal, and nothing (he had finished work an hour before).

He was due to pick me up at the station and was an hour late, despite me telling him the train arrival times. Even then, he didn't ask, the reality is that it didn't even 'occur' to him to ask about the results. He didn't forget I had had the scan as I had called him just before the scan. He's not doing this maliciously, i do know that, and in every other way he is a very decent, kind, honest person which is why I try really really hard not to sweat the small stuff.

I can honestly say i've not met anyone like him in that regard, (don't even know the words to describe it - absent-minded? just not present?) , and just not at all concerned with things that would excite others. In the same vein, he isnt a great communicator when it comes to feelings/emotions. We are such different personalities, egs: I check my emails 4/5times a day and will deal with any responses as soon as possible, whereas he can go by weeks without opening his main email account. I'm always on time (indeed early) for anything, whereas he is mostly late. He has a very passive personality, while Im very anxious. I express my emotions, he doesn't. He doesnt enjoy kissing during sex, whereas it is very important to me, and so on.

Just reading this back retrospectively, I feel like I'm making a huge mountain out of a molehill and that my issues are so petty esp compared to the bigger picture. I do know what he's like after 12 years of marriage, but I don't know why I can't just let these small things go. He is a rock when it comes to things that are important, I guess I am being petty sad

HollyBerryBush Wed 09-Jan-13 21:38:22

Perhaps he's like me, prefers face to face communication?

I hate phones, texts, emails and general hysteria - I have no desire to persistantly talk to my partner through the day via text. We'd have no conversation at night if we did that.

Something important like communicating the gender of your baby IMHO isn't a text thing. It's a thing you share together, face to face, to discuss and enjoy that evening

But I sense your problems are deeper than that. You can't make someone the person you want to be. You may live on your phone, wanting to share every nuance of your life - but he clearly doesnt

Ahhhcrap Wed 09-Jan-13 21:44:05

I could have written your post. My dh is exactly like that.

I think you just have to accept he's like that. If he's anything like my dh, it doesn't mean he doesn't care, it's just a different outlook to yours. Whilst I was pregnant I had to lay out what I needed from him as I'd over react at almost anything smile

beingpettyornot Wed 09-Jan-13 21:44:54

We don't usually communicate during our working days, he has his thing to do and me mine.

using the phone was by the by on day of the scan, it didn't occur to him to ask about how scan went once we were in the car 'face to face'

beingpettyornot Wed 09-Jan-13 21:52:26

Ahhh - agreed. I know it doesn't mean he doesnt care. Though, everytime I think I've learned to accept his nature, I can't help but be disappointed by something else.
I was away a couple months back, for a week. I returned home and told him that I had missed him, well because I had. He smiled a little then was puzzled as he really hadnt missed me!

ImperialBlether Wed 09-Jan-13 22:10:07

What was it about him that made you decide to have a baby with him, OP? Do you think he'll be a good father? Do you think he'll be there for you when things are bad, ie if you have PND or trouble breastfeeding or are knackered from lack of sleep?

beingpettyornot Wed 09-Jan-13 22:15:09

Imperial - should have made it clear, this is DC3 on the way. He is a very good father and very hands on. I cant fault him where its important.

ladyWordy Wed 09-Jan-13 23:37:51

Saying he didn't miss you is quite unusual. Also a bit tactless, though I think unintentionally so. Being uninterested in your scan is not wrong as such, but again, unusual if he is the father!

There isn't much to go on here. But some people's emotions are very turned down, and your DH seems like one of them. I think those of us with normal or turned up emotions can appear rather bemusing to them... Which you can understand really.

I don't think you're neurotic at all! It just sounds like you struggle to understand each other sometimes.

As an aside, have you ever wondered if he has a few Asperger traits? Not the full syndrome, just a trait or two. For example, is he very honest, perhaps disconcertingly so at times? Just wondering.

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