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DH gone - for the night?

(78 Posts)
MummyIsMagic79 Wed 09-Jan-13 18:03:25

Am in the aftermath of DH's affair. It lasted 6 weeks, he says. I was heavily pregnant and it has been horrendous to deal with. Can't link as on phone.

Anyway, today we have rowed by text while he's been at work and I've told him we'd be better off apart tonight. Both snappy and tired, due to 5 week old DS. Plus DH Is giving up smoking. Fighting about the affair will just be made into something massive.

He has taken it really badly and is furious with me. He says he won't come home tonight. I'm guessing he's stopping at a mates house or his mums.

We have been getting on really well. More and better communication. He has been vending over backwards in every way really.

Today I was in a shit mood and he asked me what was up. I told him, in no uncertain terms. Probably not a good idea while he's at work, but I didn't see why I should hold it in. It escalated and I said if we were both so pissed off we shouldn't be with each other tonight.

I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call him and ask him to come home. Part pf me is glad he's not coming home.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 19:03:21

'U' are talking out of your backside LaCiccolina... Set against a man that betrays a heavily pregnant, bedridden wife to go shagging around, the average jury would forgive the OP if she smothered him in his sleep.

MummyIsMagic79 Wed 09-Jan-13 19:21:42

Our argument was indirectly about the affair. I was venting at him and it got heated.

He is still in a huff and so am I.

One DC in bed, two to go.

He has taken everything I've chucked his way, and been good about it all. Today was a bad day.

Nanny0gg Wed 09-Jan-13 19:23:30


OP - you have a new baby and other children. Your hormones are still all over the place since the birth.

Your @rse of a 'D'H cheated on you when you were pregnant and bedbound. He is very lucky that you've taken him back and I would think today's row was a long time coming.

I'm really glad you've got a friend coming around tonight - are you actually fully recovered from the pregnancy/birth? Because, row or not, leaving you with a new baby and other DC is still pretty shitty behaviour in my book. Even if it was you that told him not to come home. If he wants to be taken back he needs to have a long think about his attitude and how best he can atone for what he's done.

Nanny0gg Wed 09-Jan-13 19:24:48

He's been good about it all??

So he bloody well should be!!

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 09-Jan-13 19:25:10

So what does he say when you get cross about it?

MummyIsMagic79 Wed 09-Jan-13 19:28:40

He kind of just let's me rant and moan. Then cuddles me and tries to reassure me. I ask him the same things over and over again and he always answers and doesn't complain.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 09-Jan-13 19:30:24

But today he did?

PureQuintessence Wed 09-Jan-13 19:35:09

I am sorry, but he is a shit. You have all the right in the world, no, the UNIVERSE to be angry for the foreseeable future, and if he wants his family, he must take it. Youve had to put up with his shit, his affair, being betrayed by your friend and him, having him betray his children, and shag about while you were pregnant, and now he suddenly is furious because you are in a mood. Well, hello.

Sorry, but not helpful. I know you love him, but if I were you, I would pack more than just one bag and tell him you will let him know when, and IF, you will be ready to let him join your family. (But that is just me, and I am possibly talking bollocks from no experience)

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 19:35:31

He is not allowed to complain. That's the deal when he shags around, betraying his pregnant bedridden wife.... act like a shit and expect to be treated like one.

MummyIsMagic79 Wed 09-Jan-13 19:38:10

No he complained when I asked him to go.

I picked and picked until he argued back. Then I got really mad.

I know what has happened is horrific and he's been awful.

It's all very hard.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 19:42:05

Put it down to delayed shock. Everything that has happened has been a nasty surprise, you've had a lot else going on, and it's taken you this long to finally get properly angry. Of course it's hard but you've done the right thing.

MajorB Wed 09-Jan-13 19:46:51

I read your original post and tbh I think you need this display of anger and sending him away to let him know what he's potentially lost.

I think he's had it very easy so far, especially with you having to deal with seeing the OW every day at the school gates.

Please don't blame yourself, it is a very difficult situation but it's a situation that he made not you; your anger towards him would not exist if he hadn't have shagged your friend so he really can't play the "poor me" card now.

PureQuintessence Wed 09-Jan-13 19:49:14

Can you move so you dont have to be reminded of their betrayal?

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 09-Jan-13 19:51:08

What did he argue back?

MummyIsMagic79 Wed 09-Jan-13 19:53:21

He suggested moving to me earlier. He said he'll do anything.

I see her at school, he house is round the corner, their meet up places ate both in spitting distance too.

But the kids school is amazing and we worked so hard to get here.

Snazzynewyear Wed 09-Jan-13 19:58:34

I would leave it all as it is for tonight. Don't feel you have to rush to apologise. One night away from home is hardly the most severe punishment in the world and it is a bit off of him to act as if it is, given the circumstances. It is not a bad idea at all for him to think that you may not always come dashing after him to assure him that everything's OK.

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 09-Jan-13 20:00:04

I'm still not getting why He is furious with you?

MajorB Wed 09-Jan-13 20:00:33

Read Bad Science by Ben Goldacre and then make your decision.

MMR saves lives, please give it to your child.

MorrisZapp Wed 09-Jan-13 20:04:27

What is his argument? What does he have to be furious about?

MajorB Wed 09-Jan-13 20:15:16

So sorry for my 20:00 post; wrong thread blush

Thisisaeuphemism Wed 09-Jan-13 20:51:35

I'm sorry you are going through such heartache. This should be such a special time for you all.

SirBoobAlot Wed 09-Jan-13 21:00:02

I remember your original thread. This man treated you like crap, you were more forgiving than many would have been, and yet he lashes out at you for daring to be struggling for what he has done to the family.

You were urged on your other thread not to let him walk over you, and love; you deserve so much better than this.

AnyFucker Wed 09-Jan-13 21:00:18

MummyIsMagic79 Sun 04-Nov-12 02:03:24
I'm frightened to lose him

What if he is (having an affair), and he leaves us for her?

Reasons are: he's distant now, lies about silly things, drinking too much all of a sudden, surgically attatched to his iPhone, phone ALWAYS on silent, doesn't really seem happy.

Then again: doesn't go out for long periods, only to work or the gym. Always back when he says he will be. Sex life still great, he's never lost interest there. He's "no spare cash and no time to have this 'affair' that I am accusing him of.

Unless it was a person from work (99% male) or someone who lived down the road, I don't see how he'd do it.

But I still think he is.

Is it me, like he says? Crazy and hormonal, basically?


Remember this ? I am sure it is etched on your psyche. He fucked your friend who lives down the road and tried to make you look mad and paranoid for your suspicions, he lied and lied and lied. Whilst you were heavily pg with his child.

The utter, utter bastard. How can you still love this snake ?

I don't understand how you could ever even try to forgive him for this in the first place (I hardly ever do, so no news there) but he isn't doing enough, not nearly enough

suburbophobe Wed 09-Jan-13 22:19:02

Especially as I see the OW all the time at school.

Why are you actually even bothering with this?

Time to cut lose and follow your own path, I would say...

JoJobel Thu 10-Jan-13 00:18:02

Long time lurker but first time post for me as your circumstances are so similar to mine, (although I wasn't pregnant). My H had 6 week affair with a so called family friend who lives in our village. Like you I have to face her on a daily basis and also have to drive to their shagging ground - which is nicely the layby where I have to park to drop my children off at school. The place we live is lovely and the school is fantastic and I was adamant that I could cope with the reminders.....Now I'm not so sure - it's triggering seeing her and the layby, I'm not healing, I am as hurt today as I was the day I found out. It's so so hard, those constant reminders and it makes me angry and upset all over again at what he's done to us. The sad thing is my H's affair was 15 months ago. I think you are (like I have) underestimating the impact of seeing her daily. For me its like picking at the proverbial scab.

15 months in and some days its unbearable, sometimes I can barely bring myself to talk to him. I go to bed seething and say the most hurtful things, however, he has never walked out on me or gone when I've told him too. To be honest if he had I'd be questioning his level of "sorryness" (if such a word). Are you not allowed and entitled to be fucking furious at the hurt he's thrown your way. It seems to me that he wants it over and done with....but hearts don't mend that fast and minds don't forget, its a huge betrayal, HUGE.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here other than you have a long way to go yet, I'm sure that being pregnant and then with the new baby you will not have had a chance yourself to process what he has actually done to you, your marriage and your family. Perhaps that's happening now and bloody hell you are right to be angry.

IMO, This is not a man trying to make things right, this is a man (?) chucking his dummy out because he's had to listen to some home truths and didn't like what he heard. Not nice, not helpful and certainly not trying to make things easier for his hurting wife.

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