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Boyfriend doesn't want kids - I love him, my heart is breaking - should I leave him?(265 Posts)
I'm having a meltdown, I hope the lovely people of MN might be able to help me.
My wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 3 years doesn't want kids, and we are on the brink of splitting up over it.
A bit of background - He had a vasectomy when in a previous marriage. He has never wanted kids, and has never regretted his decision. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this when we first met, and actually waited until we had been together over a year before he dropped this bombshell, despite me making it clear I wanted kids in the future.
At that time, he told me that he might be prepared to get it reversed, but needed a little time to think about it. That was a year and a half ago, and since then we have talked, argued, agreed to think about it on and off every few months. We have researched vasectomy reversal surgeons, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we might be infertile forever (I'm 34 so we don't have a huge amount of time to get things sorted either). In the meantime, we have fallen completely in love, and have had a very happy time together. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy with a partner (apart from this very large problem), and having been through plenty of rubbish relationships, I really don't want to let this one go.
Crunch time has arrived - a few months ago, he told me he was ready to do it, thought he did want kids and would have the reversal operation in January. He saw his GP, and chose a surgeon. I begged him to get it booked so that we didn't argue about it over Christmas... but of course he didn't, and so the subject came up again. He completely melted down, said he didn't want to do it and that if that meant that we would have to split up then so be it.
We have spent the last 2 weeks evaluating our relationship, trying to decide what to do. We love each other, make each other so happy and want to have a future together. But he still doesn't want kids. We have faced the prospect of splitting up, but it makes me so sad to think about it, I basically refused to leave him when it came to it. He is trying to persuade himself to do it, realises what he stands to lose and occasionally thinks he might want kids, agrees that it could be lovely.. but then panics and says he really doesn't want to do it.
I have been trying to persuade him - he'd make a wonderful father, we are financially secure, no issues at all. We have a great life which would only get better with children. He is scared of the usual stuff - losing his freedom, having responsibility and thinks he might resent the child in years to come.
I have to decide whether I stay with him regardless and give up on my dream of ever having a family of my own (something I find very hard to contemplate), stay with him and hope he changes his mind once the pressure is off (difficult, would require a lot of strength and I'm struggling to be patient after 1.5 yrs), or leave the love of my life to take my chances that I might find someone else who wants a family with me.
I'm trying my best not to bring it up with him, to give him the space to think - but it's so hard to try and carry on a normal life when all the while I'm thinking that we could split up next week - hence me venting my thoughts on here I guess. What would you do in my situation?
Dear Nuttybiscuits, I am in the exact same situation than yours. I am 36 in 3 weeks - been with my boyfriend for 4 years.
Same situation minus the vasectomy... but the outcome is the same...
What did you end up doing? Did you leave him? Do you have a child now?
This is a thread from 2013 a lot of people will see the OP, realise it is a zombie thread and not get to your post. I would start a separate thread. Sorry to hear about your troubles.
Hi! I've been reading the threads on the post and I am glad it not alone. I'm 31, my boyfriend is 39. He told me he wanted a child, and now he says he doesn't. We live together, and I have a 10 year old who loves him but, I feel strongly about moving out and moving on. He's great and I feel sad writing this, but I'm afraid that if I accept that he doesn't want a child then I can never bring it up again. I don't think I could be happy this way, as much as I love him.
Saying he has been cruel is saying that an adult is never entitled to change their mind!
I think you need to leave though, you would never be happy with him.
It's stilla zombie thread!
this one just ... won't ... die ... will it
Its not an easy thing to leave a man you love. Heart wrenching doesn't even cover it. However I don't believe you die for lack of a particular man. You have to go through the fire weep wail be tearful sad, get counselling if you feel you need to etc, amongst other things.
Better that, than being with a man who has told you he does not want what you want, yet refusing to hear what his words and actions are saying
If you want the man more than you want children that is fine. But if you don't, you're making yourself a martyr to a lost cause; you aren't going to have children with him and if staying you need to reach a point of acceptance regarding that
Don't bet on potential, on what ifs, on maybes re possibility of being able to change another's mindset - deal with people as they actually are, and listen to what they are saying to you. Don't try to make it into what you want it to be.
You're 34 OP - you don't have time for this. Hopefully this thread has now helped you to decide
& by the way "wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriends" don't spend 1st part of relationship in a lie so as to get a woman to stay with them, and then drop the bombshell that actually nah, I don't want what you want
I never understand why manipulative liars are described as wonderful. Its not a wonderful trait. Honesty is a wonderful trait, tho
I think you need to listen to him. Loudly and clearly he is telling you he doesn't want kids. All the crying and weeping and wailing is not going to change that. From what you have said you have two choices: stay together and accept that you will remain childless (because that's what will happen - you cannot fall pregnant accidentally), or you leave him and find another man who wants what you want. It's a really hard choice, but think about where you want to be in 10 years.
Hailie, if you are so clear in your mind about having children, what are you doing with a man who says he doesn't want them?
Do you really want to spend X years waiting for him to change his mind? Please don't do this to yourself.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and 5 months. I think the world of him and I love him so much! I've never felt so close and comfortable with someone before, I've had a lot of bad luck in my past (being cheated on etc) and he's the first one I've been able to trust.
Even now I still get butterflies when I'm with him and I always feel so excited when I see him. We have done so many different things together already, and he's helped me out with many different things, my OCD has never been better! We are so alike and share the same interests. I've never felt so close to someone.
I can't imagine my life without him, but the one thing that's putting a downer on us, is we want different futures. I know we're both still young I'm 23 a week today and he's 24, but he doesn't want kids or marriage. Which I've always said I want this! - without a doubt. We've had serious conversations about it, as it bothers me so much, I think about it every single day. I'm not ready yet, but will be in 3-4 years time. Still, his answer still stands the same. My friends say: "I'm sure he'll change his mind." And my family say: "You can't put your life on hold, waiting for him, what if his answers the same in 4 years time when you're ready?!"
I honestly don't know what to do.. As I don't think he will change his mind, and I need to try and accept that but I can't. The marriage part doesn't bother me as much, but has always been my dream. But I certainly don't want to imagine my life without my own family, it haunts me. I have five sisters, four younger and I have two beautiful nieces ages 2 and 7 months. And I know I defiantly want to be a mum.
OP, I feel you should leave.
This man is saying anything and everything to avoid letting you go. He's saying things you want to hear, that give you hope.
With one crucial exception. He has not said anything that 100% commits him to having kids.
He really doesn't want them, but wants to keep you.
Peppermintcreme - you'd be better starting your own thread. A lot of people will see the OP, realise it is a zombie thread and not get to your post.
My own experience, for what it's worth, is that I had a child with a man who never wanted children. It was a deal breaker for me, so he agreed that staying with me meant we would have them. After our son was born, although he has been completely committed to our son, who adores him, he found it cemented the fact that fatherhood was not for him. It broke our previously very happy relationship and we went our separate ways 4 years ago. We co-parent well together, but I haven't met anyone new.
I consider myself lucky that things have turned out as amicably as they have, and I try to focus on the positives. But if I could go back in time I would choose a life partner who had the same goals as me.
Ok, so is this selfish,
I have a little one from a previous relationship and my other half has children from his previous.
He doesn't want more. I do.
I love him beyond what words could describe and I believe he feels the same, i've never been so happy. We're a couple of years in and I dont want to lose it all but can I really 'forget' that I dream of having another baby and more importantly his baby?
But you're doing the right thing... better to leave now and have a chance of a family than stay and know it will never happen.
How did it all turn out? Did you leave?
I'm struggling with a similar heart break. My boyfriend and I have been together 4.5 years. In the past 2 years he has been dropping hints that he doesn't want kids or marriage. But when we met he was all about it. In the first year I asked him directly if he wanted to have a child with me and he said yes, I see us having a boy.
But things have changed, he has changed his mind is no longer onboard. I said I was fine not getting hitched but the kid thing wasn't off the table for me.
Long story short, I am madly involved (we live together, I work at his company now, etc.) and I love him. In love with a man who said two days ago he doesn't want to have a kid with me or anyone. (he has a child from a previous marriage). She is with us 50% of the time. All this a few days before I turn 39.
My heart is broken, I'm so sad, never felt this kind of pain. I need to move out and start my life over at 39, new job, new car, new everything. Childless and nearly single.
Please tell me your story turned out okay.
Oh dear.....only just realised its a zombie thread, how do these threads get resurrected?! Ah well, can only hope the OP is OK out there..
The dealbreaker for me would be that he knew you wanted children, yet waited a year to tell you that he didn't. This means then, that he also didn't tell you he'd had a vasectomy
He may be fine in other ways but that doesn't make him a good person. He is devious - he omitted information to ensure he didn't lose the chance of a relationship with you, and is cruelly blowing hot and cold on an issue that is "key", for you. Good people don't do that, doesn't matter how nice he is in other ways. He knew what he was doing..
Ignore all the handwringing he's doing - he's not a child. This is reality not some kind of fairy story, which is how he seems to be playing it. Try to imagine years with him, and not having a child. I don't know how you do that though, perhaps exploring the issue with a counsellor. The problem is you want him, and a child. & you can't have both. If you do have a child you risk his resentment, if you don't then he risks yours.
If you pressure him into a reversal of vasectomy then he may hold that against you. Although somehow I think you won't be able to pressure him into that simply because, he adamantly doesn't want to do it. If he did, he'd have done it by now. He knows how important having a child is to you, and that you love him and are growing older. Yet he is allowing this to disrupt your relationship, and upset you greatly. Not much you can do if he doesn't want to be a father, except decide if this is a dealbreaker or not.
He hasn't played fair at all. Its rotten. I hope you can get help with reaching a decision, its an awful one to have to make. Good luck whatever you decide
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