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Boyfriend doesn't want kids - I love him, my heart is breaking - should I leave him?

(276 Posts)
Nuttybiscuits Wed 09-Jan-13 15:14:10

I'm having a meltdown, I hope the lovely people of MN might be able to help me.

My wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriend of nearly 3 years doesn't want kids, and we are on the brink of splitting up over it.

A bit of background - He had a vasectomy when in a previous marriage. He has never wanted kids, and has never regretted his decision. Unfortunately, he didn't tell me this when we first met, and actually waited until we had been together over a year before he dropped this bombshell, despite me making it clear I wanted kids in the future.

At that time, he told me that he might be prepared to get it reversed, but needed a little time to think about it. That was a year and a half ago, and since then we have talked, argued, agreed to think about it on and off every few months. We have researched vasectomy reversal surgeons, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that we might be infertile forever (I'm 34 so we don't have a huge amount of time to get things sorted either). In the meantime, we have fallen completely in love, and have had a very happy time together. I can honestly say, I have never been so happy with a partner (apart from this very large problem), and having been through plenty of rubbish relationships, I really don't want to let this one go.

Crunch time has arrived - a few months ago, he told me he was ready to do it, thought he did want kids and would have the reversal operation in January. He saw his GP, and chose a surgeon. I begged him to get it booked so that we didn't argue about it over Christmas... but of course he didn't, and so the subject came up again. He completely melted down, said he didn't want to do it and that if that meant that we would have to split up then so be it.

We have spent the last 2 weeks evaluating our relationship, trying to decide what to do. We love each other, make each other so happy and want to have a future together. But he still doesn't want kids. We have faced the prospect of splitting up, but it makes me so sad to think about it, I basically refused to leave him when it came to it. He is trying to persuade himself to do it, realises what he stands to lose and occasionally thinks he might want kids, agrees that it could be lovely.. but then panics and says he really doesn't want to do it.

I have been trying to persuade him - he'd make a wonderful father, we are financially secure, no issues at all. We have a great life which would only get better with children. He is scared of the usual stuff - losing his freedom, having responsibility and thinks he might resent the child in years to come.

I have to decide whether I stay with him regardless and give up on my dream of ever having a family of my own (something I find very hard to contemplate), stay with him and hope he changes his mind once the pressure is off (difficult, would require a lot of strength and I'm struggling to be patient after 1.5 yrs), or leave the love of my life to take my chances that I might find someone else who wants a family with me.

I'm trying my best not to bring it up with him, to give him the space to think - but it's so hard to try and carry on a normal life when all the while I'm thinking that we could split up next week - hence me venting my thoughts on here I guess. What would you do in my situation?

Charlie1759 Sat 12-May-18 21:57:37

Thank you so much everyone for your advice I really appreciate it 😊

pigpoglet Fri 11-May-18 09:42:45

@hellsbellsmelons a new poster is looking for advice and has posted on it.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-May-18 09:33:31

***THIS THREAD IS FROM 2013!!!!!***

dirtybadger Fri 11-May-18 09:28:34

1. Leave and have DC with someone else. Sometimes this isnt clear cut, because the person asking is mid to late 30s and might not have time. But you have plenty of time.

2. Stay. Dont have kids. Live happily ever after because you dont mind

3. Stay. Resent him forever.

4. Stay. No kids. You break up eventually anyway, but its too late to have kids

5. Stay. No kids. You break up in the next 10 years or so, leaving you less (but enough) time to have kids. But you went through all that time thinking you woulsnt have kids.

Statistically 4 isnt that unlikely.

pigpoglet Fri 11-May-18 09:21:15

The only solution is to leave or accept you won't have children . Although you have 15 years or so to potentially have a child so there isn't a major rush .

Cawfee Thu 10-May-18 23:03:45

You are too young to throw away your future children for this man. He’s lived his life and had his kids. You want that and should go get it. Do it now while you have loads of time to find the right person

Charlie1759 Thu 10-May-18 22:38:19

I give him 100% respect as he did say from the start but as I say I didn't think about children at the age of 18 and to the reply about he is too old for me, he isn't, I'm one of those who doesn't judge age and as I say we have been together for 4+ years and are really happy age is just a number and we get on great because I'm not interested in going out all the time I like spending time with him and would rather be at home cuddled up, so age has not once affected us, it's just about me wanting a child and he doesn't that has got me questioning of what to do

Noodles4Me Thu 10-May-18 22:22:11

Leave. He is too old for you and on a completely different page. You are 22. Move on and enjoy being 22 then possibly find a man a similar age with similar interests. (If it all)

pigpoglet Thu 10-May-18 22:09:06

There is no solution to that apart from you leave him and find someone who does want children . He has been honest with you from the start to be fair to him.

Charlie1759 Thu 10-May-18 22:04:42

I'm hoping some of you lovely people could give me some advance on my situation.

I have been with my partner for 4 and half years, and we are really happy when we got together I knew he had a vesectomy and two kids from previous partners but when we got together I was 18 and didn't really think about having a child of my own, I am now 22 and I can't stop thinking about wanting a child of my own, he is 45 and doesn't want anymore children, I have tried to explain to him that it isn't fair on me that I can't have a child of my own but he has two, I'm started to fill with anger and frustration that he is stopping me from having a child, but I can't leave him as he means too much to me, but I don't want to regret not having a child for the rest of my life. What do I do? I hope some of you can give me some advice

Ava7Susan Mon 14-Aug-17 01:08:51

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Ecobean Sat 18-Feb-17 17:15:39

Dear Nuttybiscuits, I am in the exact same situation than yours. I am 36 in 3 weeks - been with my boyfriend for 4 years.
Same situation minus the vasectomy... but the outcome is the same...
What did you end up doing? Did you leave him? Do you have a child now?

tribpot Thu 08-Dec-16 07:48:15

This is a thread from 2013 a lot of people will see the OP, realise it is a zombie thread and not get to your post. I would start a separate thread. Sorry to hear about your troubles.

Krisbutler09 Thu 08-Dec-16 07:27:05

Hi! I've been reading the threads on the post and I am glad it not alone. I'm 31, my boyfriend is 39. He told me he wanted a child, and now he says he doesn't. We live together, and I have a 10 year old who loves him but, I feel strongly about moving out and moving on. He's great and I feel sad writing this, but I'm afraid that if I accept that he doesn't want a child then I can never bring it up again. I don't think I could be happy this way, as much as I love him.

steve742w Fri 28-Oct-16 11:11:21

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steve742w Fri 28-Oct-16 11:11:05

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MOGAN Sat 17-Sep-16 18:24:13

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RestlessTraveller Thu 01-Sep-16 14:00:35

Saying he has been cruel is saying that an adult is never entitled to change their mind!

I think you need to leave though, you would never be happy with him.

SeaEagleFeather Thu 01-Sep-16 13:52:55

It's stilla zombie thread!

this one just ... won't ... die ... will it smile

MistressDeeCee Thu 01-Sep-16 05:44:04

Its not an easy thing to leave a man you love. Heart wrenching doesn't even cover it. However I don't believe you die for lack of a particular man. You have to go through the fire weep wail be tearful sad, get counselling if you feel you need to etc, amongst other things.

Better that, than being with a man who has told you he does not want what you want, yet refusing to hear what his words and actions are saying

If you want the man more than you want children that is fine. But if you don't, you're making yourself a martyr to a lost cause; you aren't going to have children with him and if staying you need to reach a point of acceptance regarding that

Don't bet on potential, on what ifs, on maybes re possibility of being able to change another's mindset - deal with people as they actually are, and listen to what they are saying to you. Don't try to make it into what you want it to be.

You're 34 OP - you don't have time for this. Hopefully this thread has now helped you to decide

& by the way "wonderful, loving, gorgeous boyfriends" don't spend 1st part of relationship in a lie so as to get a woman to stay with them, and then drop the bombshell that actually nah, I don't want what you want

I never understand why manipulative liars are described as wonderful. Its not a wonderful trait. Honesty is a wonderful trait, tho

LellyMcKelly Thu 01-Sep-16 04:45:00

I think you need to listen to him. Loudly and clearly he is telling you he doesn't want kids. All the crying and weeping and wailing is not going to change that. From what you have said you have two choices: stay together and accept that you will remain childless (because that's what will happen - you cannot fall pregnant accidentally), or you leave him and find another man who wants what you want. It's a really hard choice, but think about where you want to be in 10 years.

DistanceCall Wed 31-Aug-16 12:30:47

Hailie, if you are so clear in your mind about having children, what are you doing with a man who says he doesn't want them?

Do you really want to spend X years waiting for him to change his mind? Please don't do this to yourself.

Hailie93 Wed 31-Aug-16 12:25:20

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and 5 months. I think the world of him and I love him so much! I've never felt so close and comfortable with someone before, I've had a lot of bad luck in my past (being cheated on etc) and he's the first one I've been able to trust.

Even now I still get butterflies when I'm with him and I always feel so excited when I see him. We have done so many different things together already, and he's helped me out with many different things, my OCD has never been better! We are so alike and share the same interests. I've never felt so close to someone.

I can't imagine my life without him, but the one thing that's putting a downer on us, is we want different futures. I know we're both still young I'm 23 a week today and he's 24, but he doesn't want kids or marriage. Which I've always said I want this! - without a doubt. We've had serious conversations about it, as it bothers me so much, I think about it every single day. I'm not ready yet, but will be in 3-4 years time. Still, his answer still stands the same. My friends say: "I'm sure he'll change his mind." And my family say: "You can't put your life on hold, waiting for him, what if his answers the same in 4 years time when you're ready?!"

I honestly don't know what to do.. As I don't think he will change his mind, and I need to try and accept that but I can't. The marriage part doesn't bother me as much, but has always been my dream. But I certainly don't want to imagine my life without my own family, it haunts me. I have five sisters, four younger and I have two beautiful nieces ages 2 and 7 months. And I know I defiantly want to be a mum.

singh0009 Fri 03-Jun-16 00:04:17

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MusicIsMedicine Wed 11-May-16 10:52:32

OP, how are you getting on now?

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