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UPDATE: I've packed up his stuff! And now I'm pregnant.

(111 Posts)
tzella Wed 09-Jan-13 11:57:10

This is the previous thread This is a light-hearted and fun thread and I really enjoyed it, and thanks to all who posted. I didn't list all the things he'd done but they included giving me two black eyes, restricting my social life and trying to restrict my work plus expecting me to pay for everything and do all the cooking and housework.

So, the relationship is over and I feel 100% positive about that. My further troubles are nothing to do with him. My first thoughts about him in regards to this are negative; I won't tell him and I will never set eyes on him again, if I can help it. I have to be honest and say I'm scared of him.

Onwards to this morning. My period is late, I'm very regular so I POAS and I'm pregnant. I want to talk about this.

I'm 38 and have never consciously wanted a child but this is probably my last chance. I got pregnant 10 years ago (in the dying embers of a relationship then too hmm) and there was no question that I wanted to terminate and I did. I don't have the same sureness about terminating this time. How do I make the decision?

JugglingFromHereToThere Fri 11-Jan-13 09:25:52

Good luck tzella - I hope that overall the thread has been helpful and am sorry that some posts have been less than helpful to you.

jchocchip Thu 10-Jan-13 23:39:18

good luck tzella

colditz Thu 10-Jan-13 16:27:54

Good luck, tzella. I hope it all goes smoothly and that you are making a decision that is right for you.

garlicbollocks Thu 10-Jan-13 16:04:50

Good luck, Tzella smile Hope this year turns out more pleasant and less complicated!

TwoFacedCows Thu 10-Jan-13 15:55:01


I hope it all goes well for you. How dare people be so nasty to you! it is your decision, only you can know what is best for you.

It wont be easy, but you will be fine.


bumhead Thu 10-Jan-13 14:12:53

Tzella whatever decision you make (and you may still change your mind) will be the right one for you.
No-one else has the right to judge you.
If you want to have this baby then do. You will find a way round your toxic ex even if it starts with having the fucker deported. In fact I'd probably do this anyway, it will save you or some other poor woman in the UK being beaten black and blue!
Take your time and remember this is your body and your baby
Have some very unMN hugs and kisses!

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Thu 10-Jan-13 14:09:33

Tzella - I read your post with relief. In all my years on MN, this is the first time I have felt that way when someone has said they have booked the appointment. You need to be completely free of this 'man' to have any kind of life in the future.

Lueji Thu 10-Jan-13 14:00:06

Hugs and I hope all goes well.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 10-Jan-13 13:15:35

Good luck Tzella thanks for coming back to update.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 10-Jan-13 12:51:36

I think you've been really brave Tzella, its a shit situation, its never easy having an abortion, but sometimes its a must, it might have been different if this man was gone for good but, i wouldnt want to bring a child into the world with a man like that. Good luck love x

imogengladhart Thu 10-Jan-13 12:30:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost Thu 10-Jan-13 12:28:07

Knowing what I know in my life now, after a failed marriage and being a lone parent to two dc, if I were you in your position I would have this child. Good luck to you.

Trills Thu 10-Jan-13 12:23:28

Hope it all goes smoothly for you. I think it's good that this man is not going to be a part of your life any more.

It's too late now but I wanted to add to his
The crucial question is deep in your gut do you want the baby?

It's not just "do you want a baby?" but "do you want a baby, then a toddler, then a small child, then a larger child, then a teenager, then an adult who is your child?".

AlienananaReflux Thu 10-Jan-13 12:22:20

Best of luck love, it won't be easy.

trustissues75 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:17:22


This was going to be a very difficult situation no matter which way you decided. Fwiw I think you made the right choice. You deserve a life without fear and after reading this thread it looks like the ex is the kind of controllingnon-human who would milk a dc for all it was worth. I am 2 years post abusive relationship with a non-national and im still looking over my shoulder - there have been times when the fear and harassment from the US lawyers has nearly broken me (not to mention its broken my parents bank account).

Hugs to you.

Blu Thu 10-Jan-13 12:15:11

Good luck with your decision. OP, and with moving on.

fwiw I think it good that you will have some time to focus on YOU - and what you want to make happen in your life.

You have been experiencing an abusive relationship, and it might be good to take time to look at that, and give yourself time to recover and gather your strength and confidence. Relationships aren't a matter of fate or some sort of fate-determined cycles - yes there's a ot of luck in whether you meet the right person, but whether you fall for an abuser, or begin and maintain a relationship on YOUR terms are down to you and your two strong arms.

Look after yourself!

tzella Thu 10-Jan-13 12:07:04

Decision made and I’m making an appointment with the GP for a termination. Thanks to almost all of you. I’m not terribly impressed with replies victim blaming and using textbook abusive tactics; implying I am ‘fucking stupid’ and using grandiose language in clichés as if they are fundamental truths. Not cool at all.

Blu Thu 10-Jan-13 11:52:39

Being a parent, and especially being a single parent on a less than wealthy income, is incredibly hard work, financially ruinous, socially restricting, a lifelong committment.

People do it because they really wnat a child so much that none of the abve is a deterrent, or they do it because having found themselves pg they then fall in love with their baby and it makes it all worthwhile. Hopefully.

You can really want a baby, then find that the reality is doing your head in, and regret parenthood, even though you love the child.
You can fear pg and feel you don't want a baby and then do a cpmplete U turn when you fal in love with the baby.
You can resent being pg and then resent being a parent - this is a terrible outcome for the child.

How far are you prepared to take a gamble with your own happiness? Did you feel an instinctive boost of excitement, plesasure or fulfillment when you saw the test result?

izzyizin Thu 10-Jan-13 11:40:25

That bus would appear to have gone, Marianne.

Tzella had her chance to be rid of this abusive UK oxygen thief last summer but, despite his violence towards her, she resumed her relationship with him and contnued to pander to his needs until little more than a week ago.
It's a fact that some are driven by inner conflict, caused perhaps by dysfunctional childhoods or other trauma, to engage in sex with abusive men. I make no judgement except to say that such a relationship, and the environment it creates, is not one in which a child can flourish.

MarianneM Thu 10-Jan-13 11:22:32

Neither is the op an incubator for any DNA that happens to take root there! Have some respect for her as a woman! Never mind "aw baby baby bay aw so cute I want one aw baby", how about 'make sure that the man who blacked you eyes won't be legally tied to you for the next eighteen years, using your joint offspring as an excuse to continue to abuse you

I know the response I will get, but this: "for any DNA that happens to take root there" - it doesn't just happen. Here is a chance for a woman to respect herself and not have (unprotected) sex with an abusive man.

imogengladhart Thu 10-Jan-13 09:57:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwoFacedCows Thu 10-Jan-13 09:48:01

OP from your last thread, and indeed this one too, you sound like a very strong and brave woman. You are truly inspirational. You have handled a very difficult and trumatic experiance with grace and dignity.

I have no doubt that you would make a fantastic mother. I equally have no doubt that you are strong enough to handle what ever decision you come to.

PureQuintessence Thu 10-Jan-13 09:06:46

It is a bit short sighted to think that the OP will "only" endure 18/19 years of future abuse from this man if she goes through with the pregnancy.

If he is a real abusive manipulative shit, he will also most likely behave like that to the child, too (Well maybe not the violence). OP will most likely have to facilitate both visitations and holidays together, unless she goes through some lengthy and costly legal process to ensure he is not in her life. And the child? Will suffer years of anxiety and problems due to his/her fathers behavior. And he is not going to magically disappear, or stop contact when Child is 18/19/25/50 etc. He will be in your lives, through the child.

I am basing the above on my sisters experience with her ex, and my nieces life with such a father. There is no end to the turmoil he causes his daughter through text, emails, phone calls. sad

TrazzleMISTLEtoes Thu 10-Jan-13 08:41:35

He would need to be having regular contact with the child to be able to stay in the UK on that basis, OP. at the moment, the new immigration laws that seek to limit human rights applications are being challenged so its all a bit up in the air but yes, it is POSSIBLE that he could get to stay in the country because of your child.

Rikalaily Thu 10-Jan-13 08:32:47

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation but one thing I'm 100% sure of is that I would NEVER ever tell that man that he's the father if he found out, in fact I would lie to absolutely everyone and tell them I wasn't as far along and make out like I had a one night stand who fathered the baby, a rebound thing after it ended with him. I'd move away to another area and make sure my child was safe from him.

He will use you and your baby to stay in the country and he would be entitled to access and there is no way I could allow that with a violent man. Especially as he could flee to another country, god I can't imagine the horror of having my child taken away like that.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide. If you decide to keep the baby you have to keep both of you safe, when the hormones etc kick in you'll be tempted to tell him and may want him back, please don't as you would definately regret it down the line and your child shouldn't suffer for it.

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