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I ve told my partner I ve had enough

(12 Posts)
Misskittywhisker Wed 09-Jan-13 08:00:56

I ve told my partner I ve had enough. He never says how he feels and throughout our 15yr relationship has just 'acted' or his feelings. It's always been him punishing me by physically or mentally withdrawing. It used to make me plead him to cuddle me etc. nowadays he says he doesn't do that. A few years ago a switch went inside my head and I didn't care that much about if he wanted me or not. Now I no longer want him, he still doesn't talk and just comes out with nasty comments. He s not as bad as he sounds and if you were to meet him you d think him really nice. He just doesn't (or his family) do relationships. I told him I d had enough and he agreed that he didn't communicate with me. I was sad this morning because I think I ve reached the end and he saw that and just went off. Saying he was fed up with me being miserable and bitching and that we should just cancel the holiday and that he couldn't take me any more. This just confirms that somehow I need to be strong and go it alone with the children. What do I do. We have two children and live in a couple orientated small community. I don't think he gets it. He s never apologised for anything, even when he had a week long affair with my best friend. He says I m the dominant negative one , but thinking about it, he s pretty much destroyed our relationship. Help!!! Next steps!! ??

susanann Wed 09-Jan-13 08:44:50

I should think that in some ways you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I think you need to see a solicitor to find out what your rights are and plan for the future for you and your DCs. I cant see him changing now. Good luck

Imaginethat Wed 09-Jan-13 09:01:18

What you do next is let him know it's over and that discussions about it can only take place when the dc are not around.

You rethink the living arrangements, either ask him to move out or plan to move out yourself.

You get very sensible and practical about living arrangements, childcare and money management.

You tell people who will be supportive whether its taking the children or helping you pack or accompanying you to apply for benefits/house hunt.

And you take it one day at a time, expect to feel a bit up and down, but you remind yourself that you can and will manage, and enjoy your life better when you're away from this toxic situation.

You don't need to try to apportion blame, it is okay to go with the fact that the relationship didn't work out. As you say, some people just don't do relationships.

Misskittywhisker Wed 09-Jan-13 09:53:19

I think so - it's been many years and finances have kept us tigether

olgaga Wed 09-Jan-13 10:21:01

I think you should have a look at the information and links here - it covers the situation whether you are married or not.

Lueji Wed 09-Jan-13 12:41:05

He s never apologised for anything, even when he had a week long affair with my best friend.

This alone would merit a LTB

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 09-Jan-13 12:56:33

"He just doesn't (or his family) do relationships"

Didn't struggle with your best friend, did he? hmm You don't sound particularly dominant and negative, you sound like someone who has given up. Suggest you do some background research on things like money, accommodation and your rights in the event of a split and then set it in front of him as your exit plan. If this has been going on for years it can't be very good for your children.

Greer123 Wed 09-Jan-13 15:58:16

Hi KittyWhisker,

Well done for 15yrs. I take it your relationship wasn't always in a bad place? It's just that the journey took you to a bad place?

Your OH stuck with you for 15 yrs despite all the problems. How are the children? Do they love you both?

Your best friend had an affair with your OH? Did she know him well? Did you complain to her about his behaviour, before she had an affair with him? Thing is, when a best friend has an affair with your OH it often means she sees something in him that you no longer see, if she knows all about him. Why didn't you leave when he had the affair? He didn't apologise so I guess he stood up for himself and told you what he thought of the situation, right?

Imaginethat Wed 09-Jan-13 21:16:22

Kittywhisker it's time for you to start living a happier life. I don't know your age but having one sister and a friend die young has really brought home to me how precious and sometimes short life is. Don't waste another day on this man who keeps hurting you.

needsomeperspective Thu 10-Jan-13 08:05:53

I'm a few years behind you but my marriage is heading in exactly the same direction. I'm moving past the beg for cuddles and communication stage and on into the just shutting off and not bothering stage.

Wish I could offer advice. But I will read with interest.

Misskittywhisker Fri 11-Jan-13 18:58:26

Need some perspective - I read your message with interest as it sounds like we're in a similar place - what is it with these men who can't communicate about anything - not just how they feel!
My best friend (not any more) knew everything about me and our relationship - I think she manipulated him - it just showed him as weak.... I did throw him out but not for long - when you ve been in such a cold relationship it's hard to feel strong...
I feel for you n s p as its not a bundle of laughs being in such a joyless place.
I think the kids are ok as I usually keep it together and keep up the pretence - I m really worried tho about their perspective on relationships as there are few kind words and no physical contact. He s a good father to them.

Misskittywhisker Fri 11-Jan-13 19:26:58

Need some - what are your plans - what are you going to do - have you thought about your future.

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