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I am such an idiot and I hate myself :-(

(29 Posts)
wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 22:49:10

I am in an emotional mess and feel stuck in a relationship that I can't leave. My BF and his wife were living separately when we met and got together in August 2010 and he said they were having a trial separation in their relationship.

I stupidly agreed to accept it when she moved over and in with him the following May - he said he wanted to spend time with his kids an that he woul leave her by the end of the year. I couldn't say goodbye and I had fallen completely in love with him - complete infatuation- so I have waited and waited and carried on seeing him. He has stayed at my house a night or two a week over this time, and we have been on holidays together.

I always felt terrible about his wife but, well, I'm obviously gullible, immoral or totally selfish, or all of the above. i couldn't give up because I thought it might be just about to work out.

Anyway. He finally rented a place in September and after that I thought it was all going to work out between us but i have checked out where his car was a few times at night and on several occasions it was near or outside his wife's house. i confronted him and he had various excuses - he was on his bike, the kids didn't want to go to his, he was out with mutual friends and got too drunk to drive and left the car there etc etc. Just enough to make me doubt myself.

I feel completely disorientated by it all and obsessed and as soon as i see him I seem to be unable to keep my boundaries. Historically we always had a lovely time but now I just fel used and mental but still can't leave, despite the fact i feel i am being manipulated. i just keep hoping I am wrong, particularly as he is so convincing face to face. i am due to see him tomorrow and need to say to him he needs to make a choice as I can't carry like this.

I realise a lot of you will probably have a go at me, but I need to see it all in black and white as it is all so shameful. Prior to this I was in what felt like an abusive relationship and I just feel so totally unlovable.

financialwizard Tue 08-Jan-13 22:56:56

Firstly I am not going to judge. Secondly, this man is using you and your relationship will not end well. If you have to text him to get rid because he is a 'charmer' (been there) then do so and give radio silence.

Thirdly I was with an abusive husband for five years who was still seeing his ex all through our marriage. I only had it confirmed when he moved back in with her the day we separated.

You are worth so much more than this. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Do you feel you need counselling to get over the cycle of abusive relationships?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 08-Jan-13 23:01:42

You've been repeatedly lied to and he has held out false hopes whilst using you as his bit on the side. What if you asked him to make a choice and he says 'I choose you'? Would you actually be happy with a lying cheating user for a boyfriend? If you say 'yes' then you really are a fool and I have no sympathy.

Just tell him it's over and, as you close the door, also tell him that you're so pissed off you'll be sending a nice long letter to his wife. That should put the shits up him.

Scorps Tue 08-Jan-13 23:03:07

No judgement here.

It will have something to do with your (misguided) feelings of self loathing he can and does treat you like this; he knows he can still have you both.

I understand your feelings of infatuation entirely btw. Yes you knew he had a wife; but doing a bad thing does not make a bad person. He would have been at blame too.

The lows are low, right? Real low. There is a way out, to's called No Contact (it's an actual thing). You tell him you will be going NC. You change your number, you don't initiate contact and you try your hardest to ignore his pleas. Then you hurt...but you mend.

If he wanted you, he'd be there, wouldn't he? Or do you want to be the OW with zero expectation forever? You deserve real love and affection, not crumbs, stolen nights and sporadic one sided contact.

I know it hurts. I know.

desperateforaholiday Tue 08-Jan-13 23:06:18

Why give him a choice? If he did ever leave his wife could you ever trust him, just end it, concentrate on yourself and get your self respect back, you dont need a man for that.

wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 23:09:33

i just keep thinking that he must love me but for whatever reason just can't make the break from his wife completely - because the alternative - that I have just been used - is just sooo bad.
You are right, I shouldn't even want him - he is a liar - although I say that and still feel emotionally in denial about it.

We also work in the same place, so even worse. everyone at work knows we are 'together' and he is senior to me - but not my boss.

I do really want to write to the wife.

dequoisagitil Tue 08-Jan-13 23:11:20

I think you should not give him the chance to lie to you again - don't see him tomorrow, stop all contact, change your number etc.

wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 23:12:03

Not to hurt her but to stop him getting away with it - but I don't think that's a good idea as they will probably stay together nd it's none of my business I suppose.

dequoisagitil Tue 08-Jan-13 23:12:28

x-posted. You need a new job.

Bogeyface Tue 08-Jan-13 23:13:55

I agree that you shouldnt ask him to make a choice, it will just hand him another opportunity to manipulate you.

You need to decide to end it, and tell him so then go totally no contact. Block him on FB, change your email and phone and tell him that if he contacts you in anyway then you will report him for harrassment and tell his wife EXACTLY what has been going on.

I was the wife of a cheating man, and I am not kind to mistresses. But I see that in your case you have been abused and manipulated and you need to get some strength back and finish this.

This man is abusive, can you see that? He is abusing you AND his wife, he is lying to both of you and of course he will still be sleeping with her and telling her that he wants to work things out. Men like that always do.

Bogeyface Tue 08-Jan-13 23:15:42

If you cant get another job then I would suggest you speak to HR in confidence, explain that you have ended the relationship and are worried about repercussions at work. By making them aware of it, it can stop an whispering campaigns he might start in their tracks.

wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 23:16:17

I'm not confident I could do it abruptly as we work together - i don't think he will choose me - or come clean to her about having met someone else which is what I am asking - so I'm effectively ending it but making it his choice as I don't think I can do it any other way as he is quite manipulative.

wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 23:18:21

Yes, I am beginning to feel abused.
I won't tell the wife as I have that threat to use if he makes it difficult for me at work.

wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 23:19:42

I think he is abusing both of us.
I can't get a new job. It is super specialised.

Scorps Tue 08-Jan-13 23:19:48

He probably loves you in the affair bubble, but that love is not sustained when he's out of the bubble; whilst for you, it is.

Can't make the break from his wife, but you don't know why? They love one another. Have a marriage, children, a history and a life.

Think hard before you write to the wife - at the minute I'm not sure what your intentions for the letter would be, especially as you openly admit you're in denial.

To do no contact, you have to mean it. And do it.

How old are you? I think if you're fairly young and have only had abusive relationships..well that fucks anyone up, tbh.

I think it was AnyFucker who said to me once 'what is this man? God?'

Imagine a life, a true one, with him. You'd never know where he was, you'd be afraid every time his phone beeped, he went anywhere.

You can and will 'have' someone for your very own, when you are ready and better.

Scorps Tue 08-Jan-13 23:23:37

You want him to tell her he's met you? For what desired outcome?

If he is manipulative, then it is best it's done on your terms and not his. He will pick you up and put you down at will, you will see it as him regretting leaving you, a reconciliation... He will go back to her.. Repeat. All whilst wearing your self esteem so low, you don't know how to answer a question for yourself anymore.

wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 23:24:21

thanks scorps. I am 40 but have only had 2 relationships as I was an addict and had a serious eating disorder before that and completely avoided the whole relationship thing.

wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 23:25:49

I wanted him to be willing to let her to know about me to make sure it is over between them...

Bogeyface Tue 08-Jan-13 23:28:39

And what if he does tell her? Then what?

You will be in a relationship with a proven abusive cheating liar. Is that really what you want? Is that your "dream ending"?

Scorps Tue 08-Jan-13 23:29:04

Ah ok...I've had an eating disorder and can entirely understand your self-loathing, not being good enough, etc. it's a fight to break out of that mindset...but he is feeding that, not nurturing you back to you; and isn't that part of love? If you've had 2 relationships and they've both been bad, well you're not going to have the faith in them, and I bet he saw your self esteem a mile off. They have a knack for it.

Although all this, I know, doesn't help your immediate heart ache.

If you don't go NC, you are going to be kept in this cycle.

What are you afraid of, by losing him?

PetiteRaleuse Tue 08-Jan-13 23:29:34

You poor thing. I was in a very similar situation once and working with them means you can't see the wood for the trees.

Youhave to leave him though, this can't end well. He is a bastard who is lying to you and you deserve much better.

Scorps Tue 08-Jan-13 23:33:59

He appears to be reconciling with her though? I feel bad for her, she's stuck with him, you are not.

He won't tell her - why would he upset his life balance? Wife at home, kids, finances in order, washing, cleaning, cooking, mutual friends, a wife to present at work functions, sex on tap, and a woman on the side, to have his cake and eat it. He won't tell her.

izzyizin Tue 08-Jan-13 23:36:01

If you write to his wife and she boots him out of the marital home,, he'll only spend more time with you because she's made herself unavailable him and he'll run back to her whenever she whistles.

Or it could be that when his wife discovers he's getting his leg over his affair with you, he'll dump you like a ton of bricks.

It doesn't seem to have enhanced your sense of self-worth so what exactly do you get out of being his bit on the side the third person in his marriage?

Everyone at work knows you're 'together'? That must make any occasions he brings his dw to works events interesting.

wileycoyote Tue 08-Jan-13 23:44:37

He takes me to the work events. that's what's so strange.

Bogeyface Tue 08-Jan-13 23:55:05

Its not strange really. Lots of work places have "no partners" for functions and conferences. If she has been told all these years that he can't take her then she wont question it. And thats assuming she even knows these events are taking place, which I seriously doubt.

He doesnt love you.

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