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The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Are Going To Need A Bigger Bus!(1000 Posts)
Hello, tis me, Mouse
Welcome to the Brave Babes Battle Bus, it's a place of solace, support and sanctuary, but also it's also a Bus full of chatterboxes, waffling on about all sorts!
Our aim this year is to kick the WineWitch or WW into touch and get sober!
Some of the Babes on board are doing Dry January, some drink in moderation, some just drink. Some of us are sober, some of us are trying so very, very hard to be.
Some of us have been dry for days, weeks, months and some of us years...... some of us are just starting out and are scared of what stopping drinking means. It's not forever, it's just for today if that's what you want.
We have a saying on the Bus One Day At A Time. Or ODAAT
Take each moment, each day and each blip as it comes.
Although some Babes have been here a while and kind of 'know' each other, we all have different lives, different roles to play, different places to sit on the Bus, but we ALL have or have had abusive relationships with alcohol and we're here because we want that to change; for the better.
EVERYONE IS WELCOME HERE so don't be afraid to just jump right in and say hello. Post as much or as little as you like! It's all up to you.
For those who want to catch up - here is the PREVIOUS THREAD
And the first ever thread, with links to the others over the last almost 3 years! FIRST THREAD
LRD your post last night really struck a chord with me - so many echoes of myself: drinking during the day, missing deadlines, sabotaging myself, feeling negative and scared, and deep down thinking that I just wasn't good enough. That thinking pervaded everything I did and became such an awful cycle. A belief that I was lazy, and untalented, and that I didn't deserve any of the good things that did happen; a belief that if things were going OK it was only some lucky freak, and that one day, sooner or later, I'd be found out... (for what, I don't know); a belief that rather than the fear and shame of being found out, it would be better to sabotage myself - by drinking, by procrastinating, by refusing opportunities that might have been good - this was usually followed by a panicked scrabble to save the day, and cover my ineptitude (including lying about the truth and making up excuses for my lateness ); a belief that if I did appear to be doing a good job it was only because I knew how the system worked, and not because I had any real talent or ability; a belief that if the people I worked for couldn't see how lazy and useless I really was, then they too were somehow failed and useless; a cyclical belief that since I was useless and a failure then I might as well get drunk / that since I was a drunken alcoholic that proved I was useless and a failure; and a belief that somehow, despite the ridiculous amounts that I was drinking, I was still a high functioning alcoholic. What a farce.
The truth was that I had an alcoholic habit and I was barely functioning. I set standards for myself (and others) that weren't possible to sustain, and which therefore made me feel worthless. I was so scared of other people's negative opinions, or of 'failing' that I deliberately opted out or tripped myself up.
Of course the whole negative thinking, not feeling good enough, stuff is a big, big can of worms. But the single best thing that I did to help was to see the truly awful part that my drinking was having in that downward cycle, and also seeing how the false thinking and self-sabotage encouraged my drinking. And learning to be much gentler with myself, and liking myself.
Apologies for long introspective.
purple bloody well done on the bottle of wine down the sink. If it takes an arguement with a fence to be your turning point then so what? You did it!
I am seriously tired today and dont really know why..yawn I could just curl up and go to sleep....zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Are you me??? I could have written that. I still think I'm going to get 'found out' by my employers, even though I've worked my way up through jobs and am now a CEO ( not on a CEO slaray though ) I'm convinced they will realise I'm a drunk..My children know, so why shouldn't me employers. God, it's horrible isn't it??
another one here cringing at every word you write... except I know I AM useless and lazy, I don't reach my targets, I'm on mumsnet chatting instead of working... I feel paralysed when I think of the jobs I have to do
purple one birthday blip in 7 weeks is just a little setback, all its done is confirm you really can't stop once you've started; but no harm done (except to your knee) luckily birthdays are only once a year
purple please don't stress Yourself, you've had a wake up call, maybe that's a good thing, no harm was done (except your poor wee legs, bless) your kids are fine and your wee trial lets get back together with wine didn't work out!!! We love you, you have helped me sooooo much, today is a new day, new chance, drink water, eat well, bath and bed tonight and tomorrow I will hold your hand on the bus and share my berocca with you, you have done it before and the ww needs a fresh punch in the face anyway... I can't stress enough we can fix this, I'm shouting this at my phone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxc
Thank you East, Ma and Venus I don't think I need the Dr's for my knee, and anyway, the pain might just keep me mindful of my mistake for a few days. [hmm
Venus, that could have been written about me, too. Spent 4 years as an executive PA waiting to be 'found out' every day. I felt a fraud and that I'd got the job by luck and a little stretching of the truth. I was (am ) a fully functioning drunk. I have no idea how I managed to keep the job. I, too, was always scared and nervous of being asked to do something new. If I was asked to do something out of my comfort zone I would say I didn't think I could do it. When I tried, 9 times out of 10 - it was easy. I had to learn not to keeps saying negative things but never stopped thinking those thoughts.
Thank you so much Joey and Baby Hand holding sounds good to me. especially when I'm hobbling so much Writing my 'confessions' on here really does help. Before, the thought would just go round and round in my head, bottled up, making me feel helpless and hopelessly guilty and all the more likely to buy more Misery Juice. xxxxxx
Morning Babes - I've got two books to start the library on the Bus
Before I go to Sleep - S J Watson blurb : Memories define us. So what if you lost yours every time you went to sleep ? Your name, your identity your past, even the people you love - all forgotten overnight. And the one person you trust may only be telling you half the story.
The Help - Kathhryn Stockett blurb : Enter a vanished world; Jackson Mississippi 1962 where black maids raise white children, but aren't trusted not to steal the silver. 3 women 1 white 2 black. each is in search of a truth. And together they have an extraordinary story to tell.
Happy to send (how do we do this ??)
Off to work and I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TODAY.
Ooh I've read Before I go to Sleep - it's really good. I have a few of these 'amnesia'/who are we really type books. They're great for reflection (or escapism!
Hello babes - bus moving too fast for me to properly keep up and name check - just a couple of mentions on recent posts. Hello LRD I'm sorry things feel so hopeless at the moment, please stick around and post some more.
Purple okay it happened - don't over think what might have happened - it didn't! See it as a bottom hitting moment from which you'll gain the bounce to come back up. Can you write all your feelings today in a diary to help with memory fade in a few days time, when drinking does not seem so bad again and the WW if trying to persuade you it is a good idea after all. I did this after New Year, haven't felt the need to refer to it yet but I will on 2nd Feb when I go out with friends, just to remind myself why I NEED to drive!
Mouse Glad consultation went well and hope you all get a little respite now from more illness! x
Ma did this bus just go sailing past your personal best? Keep on keeping on everyone x
Hi lovely babes,
Hi LRD welcome back, even if you feel a little sad at being here. Job hunting sucks you have my sympathy. It doesn't really help you to know how many others went for the job either so don't dwell on it. How are you doing today? Any plans in place to kick the ww?
purple good to hear the bus is helping. Champagne- yes I would have had a look at the bottle and thought 'oh real champagne, can't say no'. Then I would have got blasted and I probably still would. One to be wary of. Hope that you feel better and that your knee is on the mend. You're doing the right thing in talking it all through and realising the implications it things had been worse. Champagne is just the ww in a posh frock!
Made it to 10 days and 2 more meetings. I feel a little sad and emotional but very calm. Have been reflecting a lot on my drinking and how selfish I've been over the years. Think that the tiny experience of sobriety has left me feeling very vulnerable emotionally.Last time I felt this soft I'd just had a baby and had begun breastfeeding.
Got a smart phone? Feeling brave?
You can go to THIS LINK and download the drinking mirror app. You take a photo of your face and then see what it would look like if you carry on drinking
The good thing is you shake your phone and instantly go back to how you look now - ah, that's better
There's something similar on the dry january website for people like me who don;t have fancy phones it scared me
guggen you are doing brilliantly, I'm 5 days behind you and need you to stay ahead so I can follow your trail!! My daughter has promised me the use of her kindle (ironically she is kinda proud of me) but since I've lost touch with my reading (too pissed to see) I would love it if those who are following could each recommend their favourite book and I will get started. I reckon we all have so much in common and have shared so much I would like to read books that have stated with you all. By the way I still look shit but feel a teeny weeny bit boingy xxxxxx
Just realised I'm on day 10 - danger day again - Thursday, night before day off need to be aware..
Plan your evening East, don't leave it to chance. Plan activities to fill the half hour slots when you might be tempted. Remember, it's just one day. Don't think about tomorrow.
Plan some special food, some sweet treats, fancy drinks and make Thursdays your new 'be good to myself' day. Maybe a bit of pampering, bath, face mask, foot scrub, body lotion, deep condition hair, paint fingernails, etc. Then you will not only feel great on your day off but will look it too!
Purple sometimes we need these little 'wake up' calls. It reminds us what we are doing here on the bus and why x
Ma are you low on sugar? DS made choc chip cookies at school today so I allowed myself to have just one. They were still warm from the oven when I picked him up, I would have had to be a saint to resist. BUT, importantly for me, it's not going to throw my diet, I'm sticking to low cal the rest of the day. Think I'm getting the hang of this moderation lark
Massive wave to everyone, will try and get back for a chat later.
Day 10 here too. Need to find something to replace the sugar craving with other than chocolate and sweets. Other than that doing ok. Purple dont beat yourself up, what's done is done. Move forward. I've been embarrassed to leave the house after some things I've done x
Thank you Green, I'm trying not to sink into 'poor me' mode - because that really is a trigger for me - but the incident really was a 'sobering' one! I do tend to over think things sometimes - I could even see myself on the front of the local paper "Local Mum of 3 found drunk and unconscious"!
And thanks, too Guggs "Champagne is just the WW in a posh frock!" I don't know what it is about Champagne - being spoilt perhaps? Anyway, if I had the courage to tell my friends about my problem they wouldn't give me things like that. I'm such a coward. Well done for going to the meetings. I still haven't ruled them out but just struggle with the notion.
East Hang on in there, just until tomorrow, just to beat the trigger! Good luck.
Off to take DC swimming now. Back later to hopefully tuck Day 1 under my belt. xxxxxx
going to have a bath with bubbles later and I have a great few new books on my kindle to read - just got home to a lovely dinner cooked by my wonderful H - jacket potato, chicken and salad and got a MonsterCat welcome - oh and the children are here too
I love that too guggs champagne is just the WW in a posh frock! ha, I can just imagine her, all tarted up and throwing a strop!
I've been lurking for months and have wept with relief/sympathy/love when reading posts from bus-babes.
I got back from radoitherapy (br. ca. ) at lunchtime after stopping off to buy crap pizzqa for the kids and booze for me. I'm completely knackered from the treatment and fully aware that brca is linked very closely to alcohol yet I STILL CAN'T STOP.
I had chemo for a different cancer 8 yrs ago and despite the throwing-up still drank every day throughout. My worst fear was that I would have to go into hospital and not be ablr to drink.
It's threatening my marriage and my childrens' happiness and I STILL CAN'T STOP. I feel utterly disgusted with myself, yet even as I post I have a bottle beside me which I will hide (or throw away and get the next one ) before my DH comes home.
My DH has said that if he finds any more empty wine bottles hiddens around the house we will have to seperate, even though he loves me and doesn't want to. He just can't cope with it aqnd I don't blame him.
I just wanted to post in order to be part of the community and hopefully follow the same path as some as the more (and I don't know how to describe you lovely abstainers/cutter-downers) successful/lucky/strong babes.
I feel for you all and wish you all peace.
Just to be even more negative, what does anyone think about the genetic element to dependence/addiction? My family have a history of alcohol addiction and i really worry about my two sons. The eldest is completely like me.
Thanks for the previous posts, they have helped me to not hate myself a little bit. X
Have you spoken to anyone in RL? Are you afraid of stopping? Have you had alcohol free days?
Welcome smells sorry you have so much to cope with right now. It sounds like you have all the motivation you need to stop and so much to lose if you carry on - have you reached out for help in RL - e.g AA, GP, SMART?
Purple bearing in mind your recent discovery I think it's only natural you are worried about your own mortality and a drunken accident occurring! Sending you hugs x
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