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When will I stop feeling so angry?(49 Posts)
"I'm reluctant to start the ball rolling as I feel if I did that he would stop going to the course "
He should be motivated to do the course because he recognises his behaviour is wrong - and has a detrimental effect on those around him, especially his DC. Not because it's another way to manipulate you into getting back with him. If he takes it seriously and wants to change, he'd stick with the programme regardless. If he isn't taking it seriously, then what's the point?
He's not owned his problem and taken responsibility for his actions, other than signing up for this programme - his emails to his sister, and failure to offer meaningful apologies tallies with that. From what you say it feels like something done to pacify you, rather than coming from a genuine desire to change. Whether he drops out or not is not your problem. If he drops out = his choice. Not your fault.
Glad you're feeling a bit better TisI
rant/rage etc on here if it helps in future. We're here.
It's a horrible cliche and believe me I didn't believe it but time and distance do help. Get more other stuff in your life - friends, new friends, other single parents, the Freedom Programme, ask the perp programme if they offer any courses for partners or exes.
Throw everything you can at healing yourself and your DCs. It's taken me two courses and loads of counselling to get to a much happier place. On the way I've found some good friends and have gradually put the DA I experienced into perspective. Some bits worse than others, some bits not so bad.
Anger is fine as long as you get it out somewhere safe i.e. not in front of him. Icy coldness is far better.
And with counselling only people who understand and are trained in the after effects of DA will get it.
Btw I was told the courses are long for a reason - it takes a long time to get those on them to even begin to look at things from another's perspective. Sounds like you are not being overly optimistic, but try not to be affected by his fantasy of how things are going to work out in the end.
MIND sounds great. Just not CAMHS <shudder> . I am coming out about CAMHS because I have discovered I am not the only one to be chewed up and left for dead, my family in ruins (when we were pretty rough to begin with) - there are, sadly, very many of us. We should set up a CAMHS survivors support group. I'm very glad to hear you are having a positive experience Annie - sincerely yay. Luck of the draw imo - or russian roulette, more like.
Just wanted to say hi, here.
Also wanted to say that you should congratulate yourself every morning and every evening for having had the strength to get
It took me 30 years, and, even then, it was me who left
So, bloody well done you!
There is still so much anger we direct against ourselves for not leaving. That is the anger that has to go first.
All the rest takes time. I forget who suggested the baseball bat, but I feel that it will be a long while before I can be trusted with one within 100 miles of FW
Ha! He really doesn't sound like someone who will take the whole spirit of the course on board and learn how not to abuse. DD2 is not really going to understand this for a while, though. She just wants everything to be all right, just as it was before only without the abusing, and who can blame her? Now is probably not a great time to do more than very gently manage her expectations.
Springy, I should very much like to explore your negative view of CAMHS (by PM if you are more comfortable with that). I have to say our experience of them so far has been excellent. I was assuming that we are lucky enough to have the Right Sort Of People working for them in our area, like how some SS are brilliant whilst others are abysmal, but maybe I'm deluding myself...
I was going to say the 12yo needs support but, please oh please, don't go to CAMHS. That's all I'm saying, don't go to CAMHS. Get some family therapy, or therapy/support for her, but pay for it. Don't go to CAMHS. did I say that already. Just checking.
I recently attended the Freedom Programme (for the eleventieth time) and a woman was there with her 16yo daughter. Both there because of the same man ie the woman's partner, the 16yo's dad.
Can you take steps to leave the business and get some space that way? Worried you are going to get back with him.
I can see why you don't want people to know what he did to you, especially when he is still very much in your life.
It would be easier to disconnect and not feel worried about what people think of you if you are not having any contact with him or his sister. Can you work towards that?
This one. Great book.
It's going to be a case now of you training up every which way - books, classes, groups, therapy etc. Womens Aid, a vital port of call. If you've got the two of them trying to stitch you up then you need everything in your armoury. You can do this. I did and so can you (I was also being stitched up).
To answer your original question. I think you will stop feeling so frustrated when you take steps to end this. This limbo situation where this 'pillar of society' has everyone conned that he is a decent bloke while he goes through the motions of a course is why you are angry. He is still exercising control, calling the shots and you are simply at the mercy of events. Being in that situation automatically puts you under great stress.
Once you feel in control of your own life you may not feel less angry but you'll feel far more positive. And 'control' means everything from starting divorce proceedings to telling your story, without shame or guilt, to those you want to hear it. No-one else - especially him - matters.
His sister, the MH nurse, does she know he's a rapist?
if you mean by 'unchristian', like, proper christian, then I'm a fucking christian (and so was he - MAJOR headfuck!). I've learnt a lot about forgiveness, what it is and what it isn't. You've got to be real - if you are blowing all gaskets it is hugely unhealthy to pretend you're not because of some misguided religious shit. God can't get to you if you cover the truth up with that shit.
The Boundaries book by Dr Henry Cloud is very good for looking at erm boundaries, written from a christian context (actually, universal but that's by the by). HIghly recommended.
A religious rapist?...
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