Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
When will I stop feeling so angry?(49 Posts)
You will stop feeling angry once you've processed that anger. So go ahead and feel it, and express it in safe places: here, to a counsellor, to friends if they are happy to listen to you... Just don't act on that anger, or harm anyone else in the process of releasing it.
You'll be fine. (I'm just under 2 years out and am calm and happy and feel completely emotionless wrt my exh on the rare occasions I see him. It took several months of boiling anger and searing grief, though.)
Why do keep having to see him? Because he sees the DCs? IME that makes it worse because it brings all the unspoken frustrations to the surface, like picking at a scab. If you can find a way to allow access without actually crossing paths you may find it easier to consign him to history.
Could you sort of use the anger to help you keep moving forward in your life, and keep improving things for yourself? Sort of to spur you on. I think anger is helpful in this situation, as it will stop you from going back to him, I used my anger against my ex to keep me from weakening. You could also try physical expressions of anger, like going for a brisk walk or run. It does need to be let out though ime, or you will end up not being able to sleep etc. Accept that you are angry, try not to express that anger to him if you think this would be undignified, but make sure you express it somehow.
What are you doing to express your anger and get it out? Physical activity could help a lot. Could you run, for example? I used to be very unfit when I tried this and I didn't do it very well, but pushing myself was hugely cathartic. Or buy some really cheap plates at a car boot sale or something and keep them to smash up against an outside wall? Or gardening/clearing plants/chopping wood?
Do you like music? Maybe a compilation of 'angry'/women survivor anthems to play loudly while you're on your cross-trainer or in the car too. Enjoy your new cross-trainer
I found it useful also to pound pillows and scream into them, throw crockery at a garden wall... With no-one else around of course.
So, are you still seeing more of him than you would like because that's what he wants to keep his dream alive of getting you back someday? You don't need to play a role in someone else's fantasy, you know.
You are perfectly entitled to have a netural 3d party do handovers for his time with the children. Re: the business: can you work from home?
This situation does not sound tenable, if he still gets to see more of you than you would like, and you feel stuck into letting it happen. Don't feel stuck: find the solutions that would give you the space you want and need. Including cutting contact with him if you want to.
I remember feeling uncontrollably and overwhelmingly angry. I think from experience that the best thing to do is just to accept that you are going to feel angry. It will pass, but you may stop feeling angry for a while, then become angry again. I think women are often discouraged from being angry. I know my mum often tries to close me down if I express angry feelings (my anger about certain things can be a bit frightening though!). Anger is a useful emotion, because it will hopefully keep you resolute about not taking your ex back, as it sounds like this will be an issue for you in the future if he is expecting another chance. So you can use your anger wisely to stop you from falling into that trap. And you've got every right to be angry after 16 years of horrible abuse, I feel angry about it and I don't even know you. Well done for getting out. Onwards and upwards.
Two years ago I was as angry as you and thought it would consume me. But just accepting how I felt and burning the adrenaline with exercise and mildly perilous hobbies helped a lot. Also I had some very patient friends who let me rant over and over again until one day I realised I wasn't angry any more.
Now I actually feel a bit sorry for XH as I have healed and he hasn't.
Be patient and kind to yourself and it will pass. This is a process of recovery and you are moving along!
"I'm reluctant to start the ball rolling as I feel if I did that he would stop going to the course "
You realise that if that's the way things pan out, he'd forfeit the right to have a relationship with the DCs completely and that could achieve your 'drop off the face of the earth' ambition? Sometimes I think it's a case of giving someone enough rope to hang himself.
Another one here who is all to familiar with that rage . I thought at one point i would actually kill him .
What really helped me was keeping a kind of journal . In it i would write all the things i wanted to say to him , and i would rage about all the horrible things that had happened .
You were raped. You are standing on the Everest of moral high grounds whatever you choose to do next.
baseball bat. Whack cushions, the bed. Let it out. It is amazingly cathartic and healing. Shocking what you end up saying (screaming!) but it's a time for the anger to come out in a safe place. Push past feeling a fool for doing it. Actually, it only takes a few moments for the anger to show up in full splendour.
I was so angry with my abusive ex that I quaked inside. I remember realising that's why the Quakers got their name. I talked to someone yesterday - a therapist of sorts - who said that not many people have full-blown PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), though many of us from abusive relationships certainly have lingering trauma (and I was talking to her about my abusive relationship that ended over 20 years ago..). However, your accounts of flashbacks could point to PTSD; also almost a physical inability to talk about the details etc.
Is it possible for you to get your own therapist? perhaps even alongside the therapist from the perp programme. I would also highly recommend a support group for victims of domestic abuse, which was a huge help for me: people you can talk to and you don't have to explain or apologise or hold it in or try to soften it. People who really do understand because you're all in the same boat, trying to recover from the horror. In my group, we laughed a lot (as well as cried a lot and shook a lot).
The anger is perfectly normal and healthy in the circs. YOu have to let it out, it's important you do let it out. Find any and every way to pound/punch/push/exert etc. Have you seen your GP about what you're going through?
Yes but if he stops going, it will be his decision not yours. He is a grown up and responsible for himself.
It doesn't matter what they think or say of you: that is not what defines you.
If, by the time he's completed the programme, he doesn't understand that you have a perfect right to still walk away, then the programme didn't work. (See ch14 of "Why Does He Do That?")
"But other people don't know that. So they won't see my everest "
I could understand keeping a secret if it benefited you. But I don't understand why you'd keep his secret when it only benefits him, a rapist.... especially if it means others judge you harshly.
Become #1 in your own life. Be #2 to no-one.
A religious rapist?...
Join the discussion
Please login first.