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New thread. Same issues.

(25 Posts)
ineedtochange Sun 06-Jan-13 13:56:02

I posted in another topic but it doesn't seem to gain a response so I thought I'd post here again. Have not NC as I wanted all those who helped to know the situation but without the outing info.

DC1 is off to school tomorrow. It will be good to get into a routine again but I'm Lso worried. With my painful conditions exDP used to do the majority of the school runs (10 minutes either way with no transport which doesn't seem much) and now having to do two a day plus an extra 20 minutes to playgroup a day it seems daunting. Some days its a struggle to get around the house.

Feeling a bit overwhelmed. I feel like calling him for help but I know that's ridiculous and he'd refuse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 14:11:51

Is the playgroup vital or could you drop that? Do you have any friends that know you're unwell & could cover the school run? I used to know a group of parents that shared a regular taxi booking to do the school run.. admittedly further away than 10 mins.

ineedtochange Sun 06-Jan-13 14:23:06

I have no friends who don't work full time and no family local or who aren't at work. I would pay a childminder but I don't have any spare cash each week and all the other people local are exDP's family.

Playgroup isn't compulsory but the HV has pretty much demanded we go. I don't want DC2 to miss out on play, fun and learning but you have to commit to the full week as they get their funding from the government.

Its something I will definitely have to cope with for the time being. I'm not sure if SS will have advice but I'm not talking to them again until tomorrow, let alone seeing them.

Numberlock Sun 06-Jan-13 14:26:02

Does DC1 have any friends that you could ask the parents for help with the school run? And offer to return the favour when you're up to it?

I would just focus on getting him/her to school and forget the play group, whatever the HV says!

Anniegetyourgun Sun 06-Jan-13 15:35:16

Can the HV suggest any sources of support? You can't be the only single parent with health problems affecting mobility in the area. They must have some sort of help available and I would have thought the HV should know where to suggest you start looking, at the very least, especially if she's so keen that your DC get out and about.

izzyizin Sun 06-Jan-13 16:16:09

Are the school and the playgroup not on bus routes?

Have your mobility problems been documented by your GP/hospital consultant and are you receiving any disability allowance?

For obvious reasons, I suggest you to ask mumsnet to take the reference to the other place out of your OP.

ineedtochange Sun 06-Jan-13 16:23:59

I was having a volunteer to help one day a week but the council have cancelled their funding. I did ask the HV about something similar and she said she would check so I will follow it up tomorrow.

I'm aiming to get everything out, ironed and packed today so in the morning its just wash, breakfast, clothes, go. The DCs had a bath earlier which wasn't easy on my own but I managed. Simple tasks like this will get easier with time and practice, yes? hmm

myroomisatip Sun 06-Jan-13 18:50:25

Hi, ineed,

whereabouts are you?

I have quite a bit of time on my hands and am crb checked! (I used to work as a carer in the community), I would be happy to give you a hand in anyway you need.

I am so bored at home at the moment you would be doing me a favour smile

ineedtochange Sun 06-Jan-13 19:01:15

I'm in South Wales

ineedtochange Sun 06-Jan-13 19:05:34

Sorry I posted too soon. What a kind offer and thank you so much for offering even if we're opposite sides of the country!

Numberlock Sun 06-Jan-13 19:33:42

Ineed Yes good idea to get as much as possible done today while there's no time pressure. I hope the first week back runs smoothly for you.

ineedtochange Sun 06-Jan-13 19:36:19

Thanks izzy I hadn't realised I could be outed from there! I'm so ditzy today.

The school is on a bus route but its only 3 stops away so seems like a waste of £4.45 a day there and back as I can't afford it when it totals up sad

ineedtochange Sun 06-Jan-13 19:37:48

Sorry izzy, forgot the rest of your message.

Yes, mental health and physical issues are with the doctor, under the care of a psychiatrist and CPN with regular medication. I got turned down for DLA last time but does anyone know if it makes a difference now I'm single and don't have help at home?

izzyizin Sun 06-Jan-13 19:58:28

You shouldn't have had an application for DLA refused solely because you were living with a partner and had help at home.

Your mental health issue may not, in itself, have much bearing on your ability to get from a to b, but what is being done to address your physical impairment?

Is £4.45 the total cost of there and back to the school twice a day? If so, maybe you could get the bus there and meander back under your own steam and meander to the school again and bus it back with the dc which may reduce the cost to c£2 day.

myroomisatip Sun 06-Jan-13 21:47:48

oh ineed I am too far away sad

I am sure you will get a lot of useful advice.

Take care

ineedtochange Sun 06-Jan-13 22:24:25

Our buses only do one fare a day or a day rover. A day rover is £3.50 and a single is £1.60. Because only one child can go free with an adult ticket I pay £1.25 either way for DC1 to and from school sad

Thank you so much regardless, myroomisatip

ineedtochange Mon 07-Jan-13 00:58:23

I'm feeling like a right mess at the minute. I can't sleep and I have to be up at 7am at the latest. I'm still getting through this minute by minute. I can't seem to make sense of my feelings and I just want him to be here to hold me and tell me he loves me. The loneliness is overwhelming and being without him is heartbreaking. The only thing keeping me strong and set is that he's treating me for a fool. I am a fool no more.

Knowing what he is, what he's capable of and loving him regardless; insane and needy.

I know that DC1 is going to school tomorrow so there's one less child to deal with but I feel better when she's home. I see my girls playing together and it makes me happy. With her gone I'm the sole source of entertainment. It's daunting.

izzyizin Mon 07-Jan-13 02:20:23

The quicker you come to realise that your feelings for him are based on your illusions of what you thought or believed him to be offering you, namely, the love and security of a happy family which, in turn, are beliefs you projected on to him rather than anything he was actually offering, the quicker your feelings for him will diminish.

Your task is to separate fact from fiction and ground yourself in the reality of the moment. As what was a volatile and destructive relationship is now dead in the water, you can no longer spend time engaging in the heady adrenaline rush of breaking up/making up and, instead of obsessing over him, you're best advised to find a way of channelling your energies into more contructive pursuits.

I'm still getting the feeling you're intent on showing him what he's missing with a view to getting him back in your bed, but you must see it's gone far too far for that. He's got a caution for physically assaulting you on his record and, if he's got any sense at all, he isn't going to want to come anywhere near you again.

In addition,it's probable that SS will require you to give some undertaking not to allow him into your home, certainly until such time as they've completed their investigations into last week's incident and the further allegations of child abuse you've made against him.

You mentioned that he is now employed part time which is fortuitous because, if he has in actual fact legally adopted your eldest dc by another father which I freely confess I consider to be unlikely, he now has 2 dc to support in addition to his dc by an ow.

I hope you've managed to get some sleep and are able to get your dd to school by hook or by crook. Does the school have a notice board for parents to ask others to assist with school runs, etc?

If not, today will be as good a day as any for you to begin networking with a view to find other dps in your immediate area who may be willing to take your dd to and from school in return for an offer of after school child care or a few hours at the weekend so they can get to the shops/attend to other matters etc.

weegiemum Mon 07-Jan-13 02:28:10

It can be worth trying again for DLA. I get HR mobility and use it for that, it makes such a difference to me!

ineedtochange Mon 07-Jan-13 09:36:00

I'm intent on showing him what he's missing because I want him to realise what he lost (a loving, supportive family - not me, per say). I don't want him back in my life or my bed though, that's for certain. Although the idea is nice it doesn't work as like many posters have said abusers don't change.

ExDP is legally DC1's dad and biologically DC2's dad. He has no problem paying for them both and supporting them both as he does love them and CSA will be contacted today with his full written consent. He popped a letter through the door asking for us to do this properly and outlining that he has no issue with them, paying or contact but he doesn't want to see me.

I got DC1 off to school. I was ten minutes late but I got there which is something. DC1 loves school so missing it would be hell for her.

There's no notice boards but I have informed the headteacher of the situation and that DC1 is only to be picked up by me until written notice is handed in personally. She will inform DC1's teachers today so hopefully that's fine. I'm going to strike up a conversation with someone in the playground today when I brave myself up.

pinkelephant73 Mon 07-Jan-13 09:41:03

OP, could you explain to the head teacher the problems you are having getting DC1 to school. There may be a member of staff who could give her a lift. I know the HT herself at my DC school did this for a family who were having problems for a while.

izzyizin Tue 08-Jan-13 03:01:00

It seems to me there's no point in you knocking yourself to show him what he's missing, as in a 'loving supportive family' in you, because he's got one in the family home, namely his dps/dsis, he's yet to leave and only time will reveal whether he comes to believe he's lost out.

However, as the depth of his commitment to you seems to have been shallow to say the least, as evidenced by him running round the corner to stay with his dps whenever you've had one of your numerous falling outs instead of calmly discussing and working through disagreements in manner befitting a caring and responsible partner and parent, it's probable it will take a very long time before he attains a more mature approach to parenthood and relationships.

You've said you intend to start the Freedom Programme online but, as I feel you'll gain far more from undertaking this course in rl, I hope you'll ask WA when they'll be running this programme at a venue near you - if nothing else, you'll benefit from meeting other women who will understand how you feeling and you may make some lasting friendships.

Do you know when SS plan to visit your home?

DragonMamma Tue 08-Jan-13 06:01:05

I'm in south Wales, whereabouts are you? If you happened to be local I'd gladly help if I could

ineedtochange Tue 08-Jan-13 20:34:23

SS have visited and I had to sign an agreement about supervised access. My social worker seemed really nice but she said that's the end of their involvement unless there's another referral. I'm glad I don't have to deal with them more but a bit disappointed that I wasn't offered any support etc. I don't know what I was expecting really.

ExDP is now contacting the DCs via telephone at an allocated time slot before bed. Before and after that time I answer the phone and he knows not to contact me so he has a 45 minute window where eldest DC will pick up.

I've contacted WA and I'm speaking to someone in the office tomorrow. They said as its a rolling course I can start it and just drop in at any time which is good news as I thought I would have to wait to start it.

I've not been online much as I've been trying to sort my head out. I think the WA helpline must be sick of me grin

ineedtochange Thu 10-Jan-13 16:30:14

Hi everyone. I haven't updated in a few days but I needed to say something.

Life without him is getting easier but I'm not going to lie and say that I don't miss him every day because I do. My body aches as it seems that this past week has caught up with me physically. I got my rebate so I'm treating myself to a takeaway tonight as I've paid all the bills for this month and can rest a bit easier. I've changed the sheets, spring cleaned and tried to help myself and my DC's as much as possible.

I hope it's going to get easier soon. No luck as of yet with parents at school but Will keep trying.

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