Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't want to be boilerwoman

(68 Posts)
Ihatexmas Sun 06-Jan-13 12:14:08

Am a lapsed regular. Life got in the way so I haven't been around for some time.

I say life got in the way, but not to the extent that I took the trouble to water the garden of love, so to speak. We have a pre-school DA and have been together for over a decade. The love of my life and the only decent man I have ever had a relationship with. Soul mates, we were. Otherwise I would never have had his child., especially since we are not married. He adored me too.

Anyway we had the absolute best relationship ever. There is an age gap but we had so much in common it never mattered. I was even smart enough for a while to determine that I would not make the and mistakes as others I had read about on here and let the relationship get into a rut, especially after DS was born. You'll have heard the rest before; for the last 6 months we have been extinguishing the spark - me refusing sex because I couldn't be arsed and am too fat to feel sexy, both of us spending our evenings engrossed in our own little flckering screens, not talking, not listening, never going out or making time for each other. I knew it was happening and did nothing.

This culminated, as is so often the case, in a row on NYE when he said he hadn't been happy for a while and I stupidly said let's split up then. He offered some pretty lame excuses as to why we shouldn't and when we spoke again the next day I suggested we should try to get the spark back and see whether we can't make it work as DS will be absolutely devastated by us splitting. I can't emphasise enough how happy and secure he is and how much he loves his dad and how much of a shock if things change.

Problem is, DP doesn't want to try. He says he still loves me, can't imagine leaving etc but when the subject is raised he says he doesn't know what he wants anymore , and we all know what that means. I think he has decided it is over in his head but is finding it hard to take the final step. We agreed to make an effort in yet another tearful late night converstion and I have been, affectionate and all the rest , but its all one way. He is making no effort. Will respond to sexual overtures but thats it.

So after a few days of this I am starting to feel desperate and clingy and like I should stop and just tell him to go. It is clerly what he wants. There's no one else involved on either side.

Besides everyhing else I do love him to bits and now that the loss is staring me in the face I want it back. The main thing though is that I fel like I have let DS down so terribly and I cannot bear to put him through the heartache of us splitting.

What do I do now? I have tried talking to DP, tried to get him to admit what he wants but we are now stuck in a horrible awkward painful limbo here. Whatever I am doing is wrong.

Anyone got any sage words? Am hanging by a thread here, ladies.

Fuck it, he just walked in and caught me crying. Got to go.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 12:21:09

I think, when you get to this stage, the mature thing to do is work on a 'good split'. It won't be letting your DS down if you handle things amicably and responsibly between you. Children are very resilient and can quite enjoy the idea of two homes. He could easily be a lot more upset if you go on living in a miserable atmosphere.

Ihatexmas Sun 06-Jan-13 12:24:52

Really? Just give up?

badinage Sun 06-Jan-13 12:28:23

What's the thread title all about? Is this an urban slang I'm unaware of? confused

Sifting through your OP from what you've said:

- Your relationship went downhill 6 months ago
- You had a row earlier this week and he said he wasn't happy with you
- He doesn't want to rescue the relationship but he doesn't want to leave either

Sounds like nearly every 'he's having an affair' thread I've read on this site, especially when the bloke's having a relationship with someone who hasn't got her own home, so it doesn't suit him to leave.

Bluestocking Sun 06-Jan-13 12:30:56

I can't make much sense of your OP. Do you live together?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 12:32:22

It's not 'giving up' it's acknowledging that he doesn't want to try. Agree with the above that 'I don't know what I want any more' is often a precursor to finding out that the man in your life is trying to decide does he want the wife or the girlfriend.

If your primary concern is the effect on your child then a good separation is better than a bad marriage.

meditrina Sun 06-Jan-13 12:32:57

Mend or end: and as he is currently uninterested in mending, then your course of action is pretty much the same. Do not act desperate or cling. Instead, start finding the time to really think about who you are, and to bring into your life the things you want in the future for yourself and DS. Don't sit around waiting for him to make a move: rediscover yourself and act on it.

Plan a future without him; work out your practical options and how you could separate. Tell him that he either joins you in the new life you are working towards, or that it is time to separate. You are not issuing him an ultimatum to force him to stay, you are giving him a clear choice about what sort of partner you can live with. He can either become that partner or then it is the end. You will find that your decision, and your resolve to put it into action, becomes clearer as you actually take steps towards it. And the actions of thinking, planning and take initial steps will stop you feeling stuck in a rut and will help you see the possible future/s far more clearly.

Ihatexmas Sun 06-Jan-13 12:38:38

Gawd, sorry, tried to make it as clear as I could. Yes we live together , have done for 10 years. We live and work together which he says may have contributed to the burning out of the relationship. It is also the reason I don't think he is having an affair - he wouldn't have the opportunity. He also says that up until a few months ago he was happy.

I don't want to cling on like a desperado but it seems like giving up without even trying to rekindle the spark is pretty flaky.

The boilerwoman thing is a reference to a thread that was running for a long time last time I was here. Before some of your time obviously. Just another thread about a newly separated woman trying to adjust to life on her own.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 12:42:26

The trouble is that you can't rekindle the spark with someone holding a bucket of water.... What happened a few months ago to cause this change of heart? And don't be too sure about no opportunity for affairs. People meet each other in all kinds of places these days, virtual as well as real.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 06-Jan-13 12:44:35

Honestly what choice have you got?

You can't try on your own. He doesn't want to try. So the answer is live in this unhappy limbo for the foreseeable future until one of you meets someone else, or walk away and try to create a better environment for your son and yourself, and happier parents.

It's not flaky. It's facing the truth.

Ihatexmas Sun 06-Jan-13 12:44:57

OK, thanks guys. I will talk to him about moving out.
Christ this is painful, mostly because it feels so sudden, in a way.

I totally get the OW thing, maybe that is something that he wants, I wouldn't blame him. But he hasn't had the opportunity thus far and his electronics, phone etc are left lying around for anyone to see. There's no OW behaviour. This is about us.

Ihatexmas Sun 06-Jan-13 12:52:45

Jesus I sound like such a wimp.

This is helping ladies, I do appreciate it. I have never been dumped in my life and my no 1 horror is the thought of being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with me, even the tiniest bit.

OK, I admit defeat.

Back to work tomorrow, what a start to the new year..

Any tips on how to keep from bursting into tears, especially in public? Am not managing too well on that front at the moment and its making me feel like a pathetic fool.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 12:55:54

It is sudden. But I think that, by suggesting an amicable split, you stand a better chance of finding out what this is actually all about than if you carry on weaving around each other wondering what the hell happened. It's easy to do the 'I don't know what I want' line (cruel) when there are no consequences and everything carries on as normal. Not so easy when shown a cold, open door.

CanYouHearMe Sun 06-Jan-13 12:59:10

If it was me, I would have a trial separation. He might just need some space, and be kicking himself 3 months down the line for not having made the effort. He might think it's over in his head, but he could be wrong. 10 years is a long time together to just give up now. If there was someone else involved, I would be off like a shot, but there isn't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 06-Jan-13 12:59:12

You have to flip this around that it is not a 'defeat'. By letting him go, it actually puts you in a stronger position than if you cling to his metaphorical ankles, sobbing and trying to make things right again. I really do feel for you... I've done both in my time.... and the former is hard but you at least emerge with some dignity at the end.

How to stop bursting into tears... be kind to yourself. Some people benefit from a few duvet days to get it out of their system. Personally, I find the structure of a work day helps me keep it together and gives me a break from the wallowing.

Good luck

bestsonever Sun 06-Jan-13 13:00:04

These made me think "can't be arsed and too fat to feel sexy" and "spending the evenings engrossed in our own flickering screens". Seems there was an elephant developing in the room and both of you were avoiding talking to each other about it by doing your own separate things.
My thoughts are that you could be "arsed" if you wanted to but there are things stopping you. You mention weight, how you feel about that is to a degree connected to how your DP makes you feel about it, reassurance that love and respect remain on his part, perhaps a willingness to work at it together by a common physical activity or acceptance that having a child takes time out of your day, can be tiring and often contributes to weight gain.
I suspect that your initial perfect description of your relationship may be a bit rose-tinted as to give up after just 6 months on something that was so perfect would be a strange thing to do?

DameFannyGallopsBEHINDyou Sun 06-Jan-13 13:08:08

I think you should go to relate. They also counsel for amicable separations, and if you've got out of the habit of open communications then you may need help to get rid of the elephants in the room. Worth a go?

And out may be that having brought things out into the open you'll either feel more ready to move on, or H may want to try again?

But you'd both need to go in ready to be open and honest.

bestsonever Sun 06-Jan-13 13:14:12

You can go round in circles and beat yourself up over the why, the important thing is what you do about it. Sounds like you are in the better position long term. You are much younger so have time and opportunity to start anew and build a future. I'm not clear on why you feel it's for you to move out as you have a DS now, so why not ask him to move out. If suggestion met by him with apathy though, I can understand why you would want to get out and make a break asap as it's soul-destroying living in a terrible atmosphere.

Ihatexmas Sun 06-Jan-13 13:15:09

@bestoneever That is why I was resisting giving up - it was pretty damn good for a very long time. It seemed to me that a few months of a rough patch in 10 years is not such bad going and worth fighting for. Well it seems that way now but those of you saying I shouldn't cling on are right and it really isn't my style.

If there was even a hint of an OW I wouldn't have posted this thread and he would be gone already.

As for the weight thing - yeah I am fat, - have got progressively so since DS was born but he has never ever made me feel anything less than beautiful. Was due to start a diet tomorrow - losing weight probably going to not be such a problem now, I suspect.

Just for clarity he says he doesn't know what he wants because even if we get the spark back now how are we to know that it won't all go to shit again in a few months or years and we'll end up hating each other. I'll grant you that sets an alarm bell or two ringing .

Ihatexmas Sun 06-Jan-13 13:17:08

Its me who is older - another reason why I really need to muster some fucking dignity, I know.

badinage Sun 06-Jan-13 13:26:42

Agree that it seems a bit rash to want out of a relationship that's been good for 10 years, after a 6 month blip - especially when there's a child involved. Which is why I'd still guess an affair or new interest is behind this....

Was fascinated by this in a subsequent post:

My thoughts are that you could be "arsed" if you wanted to but there are things stopping you. You mention weight, how you feel about that is to a degree connected to how your DP makes you feel about it

I agree with this. It happened to a friend of mine. Her partner had an affair and she thought a contributing factor to that was that she'd been feeling fat and frumpy which put her off sex. Turns out he'd already met the OW when she started feeling like that and so he'd stopped 'seeing' her as an attractive, sexy woman because of it. She sensed that, but not in a cognitive way. Cognitively, she started to feel unattractive and frumpy and because she was getting no nice cues from her partner, she went off sex. He still seemed to want sex though - at least in the early days - but she felt that this was either just a physical thing or that he knew she'd say no and wanted her to be the fall guy for having no sex.

So, when did he last make you feel as though you were beautiful?

bestsonever Sun 06-Jan-13 13:27:03

Not so much clarity coming from him then? Sounds a bit of a pants excuse on his part. How does anyone know the future in that way? It's not normal to have a 'fait a complete' attitude that things will turn out crap though, so I'd guess something is making him look at the thoughts of you in the future from a negative perspective. Optimism is the usual view and a feeling of relief and togetherness when things get worked out rather than resistance to sort things. He knows, he's not saying but the upshot is that he's not treating you or the relationship with the respect it deserves. It's a good attitude you have, taking control and ending things yourself will likely get him to reveal his thoughts and will also give you a better life in the long run, however it turns out.

Ihatexmas Sun 06-Jan-13 13:32:14

@ badinage he tells me I am beautiful on a regular basis. Even now.

@bestonever I agree -it is pants. Could be more lame assed and pants if he tried, about this.

badinage Sun 06-Jan-13 13:33:35

I didn't ask that.

I said when did he last make you feel as though you were beautiful.

bestsonever Sun 06-Jan-13 13:36:24

Btw, my best guess would be an internet related attachment, that may be what he was doing on his flickering screen. So if you feel you want to develop some fight and he's not the type to hide passwords, sounds like you could find a thing or to out - not sure it's a healthy way to get gumption though and may come to nothing if there is nothing to be found. It fits, him being younger as he does not sound mature in the lax way he's going about things when you have a DS together.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: