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Sorry, another shouty DP thread

(23 Posts)
Skoggy Sat 05-Jan-13 22:11:26

I really don't know which way to turn.

We have 2 DD's, one is 18mo and the other is 2mo. Live in a part of the country where we don't know anyone, other than my Mum. I'm SAHM at the moment, as DD2 is still so young, and he works. We recently returned to the UK after living in Sweden for 4 years (DP is Swedish).

So, here's the thing. He shouts at DD1 ALL the time. She gets too loud - he shouts, she touches something on his computer - he shouts, she accidently drops / breaks something - he shouts, she gets tearful because she's tired - he shouts, she plays with her food - shouts. He calls her names in Swedish (favourite phrase being jävla unge (translated as fucking kid)). He man-handles her away from things. He has NEVER struck out at any of us, but will pull her arm to move her away from things. Tonight, she was playing with her food and he just took her out of the high chair and plonked her on the floor, which obviously hurt her as she started crying. Whenever DD2 starts to cry, he huffs, puffs and sighs and, once again, jävla unge.

I get told "shut up" "fuck off" "you can't tell me to..." when I try sticking up for myself and the girls.

If this is the way he treats people he supposedly loves, I'd hate to see how he treats an enemy.

It's wearing me down so much. I don't know what to do. I am no good at standing up for myself and have zero confidence. I feel like I'm stuck in this horrible place and am scared beyond believe to do anything. Having no-one to talk to or to escape to leaves me feeling so isolated and another reason why I feel stuck.

I know there are no immediate advice apart from to probably leave him but I don't know if I can.

I just wanted to post this to get it off my chest / to vent it out.

Thank you for reading.

cheesesarnie Sat 05-Jan-13 22:14:28

you say youre no good at standing up for yourself but you must stand up for your children! this is abuse!!

what makes you say that you cant leave?

what does your mum say?

sad for you op.

Skoggy Sat 05-Jan-13 22:16:45

My horrible confidence issues and being scared to leave makes me feel like I'm stuck here.

I've tried speaking to my Mum and all she has said is that I have to make up my mind myself.

Nanny0gg Sat 05-Jan-13 22:19:03

How do your children vent it out?
He is being utterly vile to them and you 'must' do something about it.
Have you talked to your mum?

PoppyField Sat 05-Jan-13 22:19:41

Hi Skoggy,

Just saw your post and wanted to you to know you are not alone this evening. How horrible to witness this awful behaviour from your DP. Do you have friends or family support here in this country? He is being abusive to your child and he is implicitly threatening you - i.e. his language is aimed at shutting you up. Am I right in thinking that his strategy works and you are feeling pretty scared?

You are being told to shut up and fuck off if you stand up for your children. This is very scary for you. You do have people to talk to. Other people will come on this thread with more concrete advice, but there is help for you. You have been brave in taking a step and starting a thread on MN.

No-one deserves to be treated like this. He is behaving abusively and you know he is maltreating your children. You are strong enough to deal with this. You ARE standing up for yourself just by writing here. You are strong. You know he is wrong.

Be assured. Help is at hand.

Nanny0gg Sat 05-Jan-13 22:20:28

So, you've made up your mind.
Will she help? Can you live with her? Or can you stay in your home and kick him out?
Can/will he go back to Sweden?

Skoggy Sat 05-Jan-13 22:28:25

@PoppyField I do have friends and family in the country. My Dad is on the South East coast. I know I need to talk to him but I need to find an excuse to get DP out of the apartment to do so. We live in a tiny 2 bed apartment and you can hear everything in any room. And yes, it feels like his strategy is working, I'm scared.

@NannyOgg I don't know if he would go back to Sweden. He says he loves the girls and, when he decides to have fun, DD1 has so much fun with him. My Mum won't help other than taking the girls. We were asked to leave her house when we first moved back. DP had rubbed her husband up the wrong way.

OxfordBags Sat 05-Jan-13 22:29:50

If YOU feel scared beyond belief about doing anything, what does your DD feel? Trapped in a life where one parent acts like he hates her and terrorises her for doing stuff that isn't even naughty (and would be totally unacceptable even as a reaction to very extreme bad behaviour) and the other parent who makes a few attempts to ask the nasty one to stop, but who then backs down and keeps her in the horrible situation. YOU are the adult, you have choices and abilities and maturity and knowledge and resources, etc., at your disposal to help you stop this by getting away. All she, all both DC have to get them away from this abuse is you. You do not have the luxury of feeling too scared and helpless to leave. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I know deep down you know it yourself and that's why you are posting.

Of course, you are worn down and frozen into inaction by his abuse. The way he talks to you is abusive and seeing your beloved child being abused is a further mental and emotional abuse for you.

On an irrelevant note, his behaviour is actually ensuring she behaves the way she does; seeing a parent shout and be bad-tempered all the time just teaches a child that being loud and naughty is normal and okay AND making her feel naughty over every tiny little thing means she won't properly understand what is good and what is bad behaviour and foster a 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' behaviour where she doesn't even see the point on trying to behave well.

He won't change, you know. He will escalate. He is already starting on your 2 month old. How can anyone normal be so vile to a child of that age?! It is truly chilling. He has found a form of relief for all his frustrations and a way to boost his ego in abusing your children. There is no pay-off for him in stopping it, as it takes away the things that make him feel good about himself. He won't treat other people this badly, btw. Because they would be able to stand up to him. This shitbag chooses to take his temper out on tiny, vulnerable, innocent children, and a baby no less. Absolute scum.

You know what you must do. Don't fail them.

cheesesarnie Sat 05-Jan-13 22:31:46

will your mum look after the dc while you make an appointment to cab and also to talk to dh?

it is scary op but i did it. its not easy but i feel so much better for it!

Nanny0gg Sat 05-Jan-13 22:39:01

Surely if your mum knew the real situation she would help?

If not, your dad or friends.
Anyone to be a safe haven whilst you plan for your future with your DCs.

Absoluteeightiesgirl Sat 05-Jan-13 22:41:35

You owe it to your children to protect them from this bully. They have no one else to do this except you. He says he loves the DC... Really? I find that very difficult to believe. How would to respond if a stranger did this to your kids?

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 22:45:04

Wait wait wait - your mum doesn't want your horrible DH at her house. She may well be delighted to have you and the girls though.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 22:46:55

And your mum is probably scared for you and wants desperately to say LEAVE but is worried you'd think she was interfering.

PoppyField Sat 05-Jan-13 22:49:35

Skoggy,

Your DP has tried to alienate you from your mother already - obviously his behaviour was bad enough for her to ask you both to leave. I don't expect that she would reject you if it was just you and your girls. Would she? You need to get her support for you. You sound terrified. When can you call your Dad? When does DP leave the apartment...does he go to work at all?

Can you work on a plan where he leaves for a while? Does he acknowledge that things are bad? Maybe you can get him to leave on a temporary basis while you decide what to do next. Tell him you need some space etc. I agree with other posters - he is being vile to the children and that is unacceptable and harmful. There is no point in trying to work out WHY he is being like thi at the moment (I'm sure you have spent many hours trying to analyse his motives), the priorty is to get him out of the home which is the only way to stop this. There is no short way of getting him to change his behaviour, the only way is for him to live away from you and your daughters.

Poppy

izzyizin Sun 06-Jan-13 06:27:22

Tonight, she was playing with her food and he just took her out of the high chair and plonked her on the floor, which obviously hurt her

Whatever other issues you may have with this despicable child abuser your 'd'p, the above should be more than enough for you to take steps to protect your vulnerable little dd from the hell that he's putting her through as a MATTER OF EXTREME URGENCY.

As soon as he's out of the house, take your dc to the nearest police station and ask to be referred to a specially trained officer who is attached to your regional police force Domestic Violence Unit.

When you tell them what you've said here, you'll be given all the help you need to get this fucking disgusting piece of gobshite abusive male out of your life.

This may take the form of offering you a place in a women's refuge - don't be worried about accepting; you'll get a warm welcome and access to a wide range of resources and services that will enable you to give your dcs the childhood they deserve.

Alternatively, you can ask the police to remove him from your home. Don't worry about taking anything with you - if you should decide to opt for temporary accomodation in a refuge, a police officer can acccompany to collect all the documents/clothing/toys/equipment you want to take with you.

I URGE you to do it TODAY or at your very earliest opportunity because this man is only just beginning to reveal what he's capable of and your tiny dd may suffer serious injury or worse if you don't act to protect her NOW.

FGS, don't leave her alone with him.

izzyizin Sun 06-Jan-13 06:42:28

My numerous other responses to various threads on this board will testify that I am NOT given to alarmism and, frankly, I don't give a flying fuck if women want to play silly buggers engage in relationships with abusive men, but when it comes to child abuse THERE IS NO EXCUSE OR REASON why any woman in the UK should remain in a relationship where their dc are at risk of physical harm.

Your dd is a toddler; little more than a baby. She can't ask others for help and if you don't protect her, who will?

If you don't act, I hope to god your neighbours have been listening and that one of them alerts Social Services to the abuse your dd is having to endure on a continual daily basis.

AmberNectarine Sun 06-Jan-13 06:55:04

I too have an 18mo DD. She is a baby. If my DH swore at, frightened or hurt my baby he would be out on his ear before he even had a chance to draw breath. Please do not allow this to continue, no child deserves to be frightened of their parent. Protect your daughter and get help, you all deserve a better life away from this bully.

izzyizin Sun 06-Jan-13 07:54:43

He works? When will he next be at work?

PoppyField Mon 07-Jan-13 09:40:58

How are you today Skoggy? Hope you're ok and that you manage to speak to your family and let them know what's really going on.

Wish you luck, Poppy

pictish Mon 07-Jan-13 09:43:26

Well it's not on, and it's never going to be on...so what are you going to do to put a stop to it?

No amount of telling him is going to make him behave, as I'm sure you already know...so you have two choices. You can put up with it, or put him out.

TisILeclerc Mon 07-Jan-13 09:52:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skoggy Mon 07-Jan-13 11:03:34

Thank you all.

I spent the day at my Mum's yesterday and had a really good cry whilst DD1 let off steam playing football with footie mad Grandad (Sunderland weren't playing so he had a free Sunday grin). Mum has said she will have the girls when I'm ready to make the big move.

I know what I need to do, now I need to do it.

Thank you TisILeclerc. If I'm ever around, I'll let you know. smile

foofooyeah Mon 07-Jan-13 14:23:31

Skoggy, Just seen this and wanted to say that I am glad you know what you need to do. It may be a tough road ahead but it will be a better one than the one you are on.

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