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unsure what im doing

(56 Posts)
kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 11:14:30

hi i asked for advise previously about friends with benifits, well i didnt actually go down that line although we did have sex before xmas before i found out he was seeing some one , please dont think bad of me if id known i wouldnt have but i did and nothing can change that.
i did it as i wanted to be wanted , right now i feel i have nothing no job, no uni place any more long story but i messed up at work nothing major in my eyes but obviously it is for the breast feeding mafia we have in this country which has basically lost me my job.
any way just so low now even negative attention from ex means world to me , i have been texting some one and we seem to get on well but i cant seem to pin him down to meet me.
i know people wont have the answers but i guess i needed some one to talk to.

dequoisagitil Sat 05-Jan-13 11:30:46

I don't think you need a bloke, what you need to get yourself a bit of a plan.

Look at the reasons you lost the job & uni place in as objective a fashion as you can and take on responsibility for where you were at fault. Then you can move on and look at what your options are.

If you're feeling very low, get yourself down the GP and get some support.

At this time, you need to get yourself together rather than hoping for a man to provide you with attention to boost your self-image - as it'll be all the wrong sort of attention & the using type of guy and will leave you feeling worse.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 11:32:40

You poor thing sad I know the feeling of wanting some attention, any attention, to hopefully make me feel better. But when I was online dating (that's what I assume you're doing?) I came to learn that when I was in a shit state of mind then trying to get that attention did me no good whatsoever, and no good to anyone else either. If I wasn't in the right place to do it, I didn't do it. I knew I wasn't in the emotional position to cope with rejection or bullshit. It took me a while to learn that but it helped a hell of a lot when I did smile

So, I'd stop trying for outside influence on my life and batten down the hatches and TAKE A BREAK and withdraw from strangers. Strangers can be wonderful but not on online dating!

No advice on the job etc but please have a look at the texting and think about stoppin.

kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 11:40:08

i didnt pressure a mum into bf as it was obvious she didnt want to that why lost job i believe mums should have a choice .
i was on line dating but ive come off site all men seem to want is a quickie and yeah im low but still have some respect

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 11:57:01

If I were you I would step away from the dating game completely for at least six months and focus on getting a new job, new life and rebuilding my confidence. Being an independent woman is far better than lurching from one bad relationship to another, hoping a roll in the hay will make you feel better about yourself when it does the exact opposite.

If you feel low, talk to family and girlfriends. Consider seeing your GP if you feel anxious or depressed. Mistake to go panting for male company when you are vulnerable.

kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 12:16:53

i dont have any friends , my family dont no about this and never will . it was my one and only realtionship so not going from one to another. been to gp yep give happy pills which are a load of crap

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 12:23:21

OK so that's all the negative stuff out of the way. Can't change the past so no point crying over spilt milk ... What, however small do you have positive in your life that you could build on? What plans have you got or what plans could you make? What could you do today or tomorrow that is going to make you feel better about yourself?

Your life in your hands .... grab it.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 12:26:13

If you've lost your friends 'by accident' (by being too busy with work for them or being in a relationship that's now ended and you've lost touch) don't be afraid to get in contact. They will be happy to hear from you, if they are good freinds.

I've been mired in a relationship most of this year (over now) and my new year resolution is to have lunch with ALL the people I've been ignoring smile

kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 12:29:25

i have a new job as long as my sickness record ok but been off work with stress for a month due to unsupportive work place.
this will sound nasty but saw a pic of my ex new gf and well he has definalty down graded i know its bitchy but chheered me up a bit lol

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 12:39:51

If the last lot of 'happy pills' didn't help with the stress, is it worth going back to the GP and asking them to rethink your case? Got to be worth it to hang onto the new job. Do you need some ideas on how to make new friends? Common interests can be a good way to meet new people (all genders) and it's a lot safer & better for your confidence than dating.

kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 13:17:16

i dont want to take pills , wen i was with my ex i had a life it may sound pathetic but i loved it as we had a flat and i cooked and cleaned n we went out i had a life now im alone all the time

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 13:22:55

So how about carrying on taking pride in your home, making new friends, inviting them round for meals so that you can cook etc? You don't have to play Little Miss Housewife to get the same satisfaction. How about travelling? Before I was a Mum I used to have some fantastic times exploring the world on various tours, meeting interesting people & broadening my horizons.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 13:24:26

Re pills.... there are a lot of different medications available so just because one type didn't suit you it doesn't mean there aren't others that could help. And, medication aside, there is therapy that you can be referred for. It's just until you get over the initial stress... not a forever things.

kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 13:29:32

i have to stay local to make sure my dad is ok as my lazy step bro dont bother with him. i dont have a home i have a tiny room that apart from i am working i live in ie eat , watch telly , sleep

dequoisagitil Sat 05-Jan-13 13:30:08

You can still have a life - being in a couple isn't the be-all and end-all. You need to be happy in yourself - otherwise you are reliant on other people for your happiness and unfortunately other people do let you down.

Pills aren't the only thing the GP can offer, you could look into CBT or counselling. Briefly, CBT is good for changing negative thought patterns, counselling good for addressing your past.

If you feel you have no friends and your family are unsupportive, then you can build a new social network. Dating isn't really the answer as the social circle it may bring you will always be centred around the bloke - and if the relationship fails, you end up high and dry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 13:32:23

You really have to start putting as much energy into thinking of ways life could be better as you do giving reasons why you can't do X, Y or Z. Even a small room, if you tidy it up and make it look nice, is OK to invite people back to.

What kind of things, other than eating, watching TV and sleeping, do you like doing?

kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 13:35:43

i cant invite ppl back here as there is no privacy here , mum supportive but nosey i didnt even tell her about my ex for agesi like my business my own wen it come to family

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 13:37:06

Is there anything stopping you renting a room in a shared house? That's how a lot of people make new friends by moving in with a few others, meeting their friends etc.

kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 13:38:33

im a bit old for that most ppl who house share are in there 20s

dequoisagitil Sat 05-Jan-13 13:39:23

Ok, so you need to focus on improving your prospects and on getting your own space or a house-share with people you are comfortable with. It's all do-able. You have had reverses, but you can turn it round for yourself.

dequoisagitil Sat 05-Jan-13 13:42:23

So, you might be the older one in a house-share - but there can be benefits to that.

If you're unhappy where you are, you need to make changes. It's no good waiting for Prince Charming - he's most likely to be a frog in disguise.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 13:45:01

Yet another objection... smile The average age of buying a first home these days has gone up and up. So lots of people in their 30's or older are renting flats or sharing houses. A lot of people are renting out rooms in private houses to lodgers - better than living with a nosey mother. If you end up in a house with people a little younger than you it might put a spring in your step... stop your descent into boring middle-age before your time.

kittykat10 Sat 05-Jan-13 13:53:30

think im already boring as for the friend thing i have never had good friends well no i had 1 and we were really close but she used me .

dequoisagitil Sat 05-Jan-13 13:59:18

You don't seem to like yourself much. This is going to come out quite harsh, but if you can't see what's good about yourself - how can you expect others to?

Start looking at the good things you have, what sort of person you'd like to be - (not based on what someone else feels about you but on how you feel about you) and think about how you're going to get there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 14:02:13

If you don't meet people you can't make friends. If you don't make a few bad friends you can't judge the good friends. If you narrow your horizons to dating sites you will mostly meet men looking for 'good times' rather than a partner or even a friend.

So what's your next step?

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