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Bickering, jaded and feeling pretty shit.

(8 Posts)
MarharishiELBronx Fri 04-Jan-13 21:58:31

DP and I have been together just over four years. When we got together we were both pretty wild, partying and drinking too much. Most of the foundations of our relationship pre DD were built on this, and my problem with alcohol - which had manifested itself long before - exploded during this time, resulting in my being hospitalised with seizures on two occasions.

Pregnancy came as a surprise (I’d been advised I would probably not conceive) but we faced it with the same sort of impulsivity which we’d been using right up until that point and decided to go ahead with it. It was emotionally a very hard pregnancy for me - I was deprived of my drink and my smokes and my hedonistic lifestyle was fully reigned in. I became tired and ill-tempered and was resentful of DP going out drinking with his friends, smoking freely (though outside) and going on holiday with his mates. I grieved my old life and even after the birth was desperate for things to get back to ‘normal’. Stupidly, DP and I hadn’t discussed parenting - we’d only really talked about the labour and the birth - so it came as a surprise to find that our views on raising children are polar opposites. As are most things between us, it turns out.

Two years later I was diagnosed with severe PND and Panic Disorder which had resulted in Agoraphobia. I was an absolute blasted wreck, unable to do the simplest of tasks and totally unable to remember who I was. The resulting breakdown was the most frightening experience of my life, but it also gave me the impetus to stop drinking and smoking, cut down on caffene, take up yoga, meditation and running and start to eat healthily. I’m interested in seeing what the best possible version of ‘me’ is and I owe it to my daughter to be well. I’m on some serious medication too, and all of the above has really helped and has freed me from a lot of emotional restraints.

But the downside of this is that it has only served to highlight the gulf which now exists between us. DP has said on more than one occasion that he misses the ‘old’ me and that I’m no fun anymore. We have very little connection since I stopped drinking, and he has no interest in any of the things I’ve recently started doing, and I get the impression he is waiting for this period to pass. I can’t see how he could prefer the ‘old’ me - I was anxious, flightly, crippled with confidence issues, an alcoholic and terribly insecure. We are growing further and further apart to the point now where we no longer share a bed (sleep issues with DD and his early starts in the morning) let alone have sex. He is a much stricter parent than I - shouting, bullying, and threatening DD - and I find myself stepping in more and more often to get him off her case. He resents this, and I resent him not being interested enough in DD to learn a little about what will best benefit her, and what approaches might work best.
We have no common ground and very little to say to each other - he recently stated that he wanted to keep our finances seperate so we don’t even pool our money together. I love my time by myself, and can’t help but wonder at which point we should just shrug and say “This isn’t working.”
But I haven’t the first clue about how I would extrapolate myself from this. We live with IL currently, and I have no option to stay with family if DD and I were to leave as DDad is having horrible cancer treatment and no room at DBro. DP loves DD to bits and I know she is the best thing in his life so he would hate me doing this. So where do I go from here?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 22:14:23

I think the time you should have said 'it isn't working' was when he said he missed the old you and you were no fun any more. When your partner would prefer that you were locked back into a lifestyle that almost killed you, that is not a man that cares about you.... that is a selfish, irresponsible man that only cares about himself.

How to get out... have a word with CAB and your local housing authority and see if they have any ideas on emergency accommodation, benefits and other help that might be available. For the sake of your continued health and future happiness you need to get away from his very bad influence.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 22:14:42

He shouts, bullies, and threatens your dd but he 'loves her to bits'? Really? In that case, he has got a particularly damaging for her strange way of showing it, hasn't he?

How old is your dd?

MarharishiELBronx Fri 04-Jan-13 22:22:04

Cogito Thats exactly what I thought. What the fuck? I was a damaged mess. I'm brighter and happier now but it only seems to have highlighted our differences.
My folks are all in another county so I would be moving towns so I'd imagine that would count for something with the council of that county, wouldn't it? With regard to housing.

Izzy I'm aware of the hypocrisy of that statement - I think he was raised by a dad with quite a temper and he is mirroring that in the way he speaks to DD - who is 2 and a bit. When I say 'threaten' I mean things like telling her to go to bed without dinner, that they'll be no presents if she is 'naughty' (this was on Christmas day) all that kind of shit, which I have no truck for. He shouts at her too often and I find the way he deals with her very bullying. I'm sick of telling him because he says that I'm going to raise a brat. Etc etc into infinity.

izzyizin Fri 04-Jan-13 22:30:09

Most county/borough councils have a shortage of social housing and tend to reject applicants from outside their geographic area but there's nothing to stop you renting privately near your family and putting yourelf on the council waiting list once you're established in a new home.

You say you're living with ILs? Does that mean you've got the dps who raised him on your dd's case too? It also occurs to me that if he's effectively 'living at home', he's got no need/incentive to grow up.

MarharishiELBronx Fri 04-Jan-13 22:34:50

We're here while DP is studying as it is more cost effective - his dad no longer lives here so it is MIL and his Stepfather who are here and they are both lovely, and nothing but loving and welcoming to both DD and myself. DP just idolises his father as far as I can tell.
There is an age gap between us of five years and in a sense I do feel as if we've simply outgrown each other. I can't cope with the lifestyle we used to have, nor do I want to. My expectations and interests have changed while his havent. I think that is it.

tzella Fri 04-Jan-13 22:55:25

I’m interested in seeing what the best possible version of ‘me’ is

That's a wonderful and powerful mindset. You're so lucky to have that, even if it took such a lot of hard work smile

I agree that you should look into moving into your own place. Can your family help with a deposit for private renting and you look into benefits? Your DP should also, obviously, maintain your DD.

I assume you're prepared for him to be very relieved if you leave and set him free?

MarharishiELBronx Fri 04-Jan-13 23:03:41

tzella Yes, I imagine he will be. I've thought that for a long time - sometimes I feel as if I am weight around his neck.

I could privately rent, and have done a benefit checker so I know what I am entitled to. It's just such a huge and looming thing, impending breakup. A leap into the unknown, and I feel quite underprepared for it. How sad.

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