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She's going to take him back :(

(12 Posts)
Naysa Fri 04-Jan-13 15:57:25

My best friend got with her ex 3 years ago.
It was bad news from the beginning really because he had inly just finished with his ex.

People used to see him with his ex girlfriend looking very close, cuddling and stuff. I saw it too and if anyone ever told my friend, she'd get really annoyed and defensive.

Long story short they broke up. For a few months. In that time he slept with 2 other girls and had two relationships and she sort of pined for him and I could see she was sad.

Then they got back together. He started treating her properly and I started to forgive him. Sounds stupid but she's been my best friend for 8 years and it hurts me to see her hurting. He was making her really happy. He was attentive and we would go out as couples and I could see that they were happy.

Then he joined the forces and turned into an arrogant prick. He would change his profile picture on facebook to pictures of him and other girls.
He started to believe he was God's gift and used to flirt with our friends.
She started uni and I could tell it wasn't working. He never made her happy and he would rather see his friends than her.

He started getting secretive with his phone so when he was asleep she looked at it. There were pictures of his ex and texts saying how good it was when they were together and how much he wants her.

My friend packed her bag and went home. He kept ringing saying how sorry he was.

I was really proud of her. I went through the same thing a couple of years ago and he broke up with me for looking at his phone. I wasn't strong enough to end it.

She rang me yesterday saying they were going to get back together and that she needs help making rules.

I told her that she needs full access to his phone and he can earn her trust back but she said he wouldn't let her. She said she needs to prove that she can trust him but I told her that she can't. He needs to earn her trust.

What do I do? I can't sit here and watch her get hurt again but I can't leave her to deal with it. sad

Xales Fri 04-Jan-13 16:04:31

What are the point of making rules?

I always thought if you were in an exclusive relationship the rules were you don't fuck around , you don't lie, you don't cheat etc

He has already broken them all. Does your friend really think that outlining a set of rules is going to change this guy?

Rule #1 No screwing your ex or any other girls and he is suddenly going to wake up and realise what he has been doing wrong?

He doesn't want to stop. He doesn't want to be open and honest so he won't prove he has changed because he won't

More fool your friend if she takes him back.

Nothing you can do I am afraid sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 04-Jan-13 16:07:03

Oh dear she is setting herself up for an unhappy time. Somehow he has persuaded that trust is all going to be her problem not his. Be there when she needs a cry for as long as you can bear it.

Naysa Fri 04-Jan-13 16:12:11

xales my thoughts exactly. He has form forthese kinds of things. He'll do it again and I just can't bare to see it again.

She's asking for advice and its not what she wsnts to hear

financialwizard Fri 04-Jan-13 16:13:16

I am in a forces relationship and can honestly say if there is no trust in a relationship it will break down fairly quickly.

My husband is going to be away 13 months out of 16 months over the next 16 months. Some of those in UK and some overseas. Some of the time most I will not be able to contact him because he will either be in a place with no mobile signal or he will be on operational tour. If I am honest I don't think your friend will be able to handle it, and she will be better off finding someone who will treat her better.

If she uses this site I am happy for her to pm me about relationships with soldiers.

financialwizard Fri 04-Jan-13 16:14:50

and tell her he is a useless twunt.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 16:17:29

I'm afraid you're going to have to let her deal with it. Rather than dreaming up rules or all this 'hurting when she hurts' stuff, if you care about her you have to tell her straight that you don't like him, know he's messing her around and she's a fool to take him back yet again. Be honest, be consistent and have the courage of your convictions. That's what a real friend would say rather than colluding with her self-destruction.

If she's only going to uni at the moment does that mean she's in her late teens or is she a mature student?

dequoisagitil Fri 04-Jan-13 16:20:14

She's got it arse about face (or rather he's convinced her to have it arse about face). As the one who fucked around and broke the trust, he's got to show he can be trusted.

It's doomed. She's making a huge mistake. You're going to end up picking up the pieces.

Numberlock Fri 04-Jan-13 16:25:48

Sorry to hijack but just picking up on your advice, Cogito. This is exactly what I did with a very good friend who's just decided she's staying with her cheating husband. I told her I would of course support whatever decision she made but wouldn't consider myself a good friend if I didn't give her my opinion that she was making a big mistake and should consider some other options. It did not go down well :-(

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 17:11:00

It never goes down well. But at least you said it. You can live with yourself knowing that you were honest... you can always defend honest.... and she will always have the knowledge that her good friend Numberlock had the balls to tell her the truth. Your friend and the OP's friend are victims of abusive men and these poor women often put up barriers and go headlong into denial as a survival mechanism more than anything else. But, however, good a job they do of denying the truth there is a bit of them that knows they're making a massive mistake.

Numberlock Fri 04-Jan-13 17:15:43

Yes it saddens me what some people are prepared to accept.

OP - I think you have made your views known and all you can do now is support in the hope that one day she will see sense. It's really tough to watch though.

Naysa Fri 04-Jan-13 17:56:20

Hang on cogito she knows I don't like him. I told her the first time and I've told her this time so don't be suggesting I'm weak because I'm not. I was then but now I don't let people take advantage.
I've told her that its a bad idea and she hasn't listened so now I'm trying to help her with what she is going to do.
They're all in their 20s

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