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You'd think he'd have the brains to delete the evidence before giving me his password!! gutted :-(

(94 Posts)
NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:09:16

I met someone end of July last year. Everything was great at first but then various stuff happened that made me think hmm photos on facebook for instance that he'd hidden from his time-line but had appeared on someone elses public wall, he started being a bit more protective with his phone ... just general low key hmm behaviour but because it was so slight, I just let it go and told myself I was being paranoid.

Well, the other night he gave me his email password (we're joint organising something and everything is going to his email address). However, the password he gave me didn't work. I told him. He ummed and arred and then gave me another password. This one did work.

So anyway - a couple of days later (today) I'm on there and go onto the sent messages folder to see what he'd organised already to see what I needed to do. On there, was a message to a woman reading the following:

"Hi there, I was looking at your profile on Plenty of Fish and notice you say you can't upload photos. Would you be willing to send me them via your email address? Take Care, D* x "

This was sent in October last year.

What should I do??? I've been on POF, can't find him on there, no other incriminating evidence in his email - but I feel sick with disappointment.

We're supposed to be going out tonight to celebrate something, I was really looking forward to it but I don't feel I can just brush this one under the carpet sad

perceptionreality Tue 08-Jan-13 11:53:08

Yes but what I mean is that if someone is on a subscription site at all it's an indication they are serious about finding someone, even if they are on POF as well. Literally anyone can go on POF and mess about because it's free iyswim.

DoingItForMyself Tue 08-Jan-13 10:52:35

You say that Perception, but everyone I've met was on both paid & POF, so although there may be more twats on POF, there are also some of the same genuine men who are serious about finding a relationship.

I met a lovely man on POF (he just called me to see if he can bring anything with him for dinner tonight!) and he was also on Match (paid).

perceptionreality Tue 08-Jan-13 10:27:03

But as I said above, I never met anyone normal on POF. I think to find someone decent on a website you need to use one of the ones you pay a subscription for - that way you are less likely to find someone who is wasting everyone's time and more likely to find someone genuine imo.

ike1 Tue 08-Jan-13 09:39:32

Its all very strange isnt it. I just cant enter into that mindset...he is having a lovely time with Nory and yet is looking for others...why? and for what what purpose? some people are just odd.

DoingItForMyself Tue 08-Jan-13 09:25:22

Norrie, so sorry he turned out to be a dick - I was really hoping it was just a one-off but the fact that he has continued to message women all along shows a total lack of respect for your relationship. Hope you're ok. x

I think these immature guys get such a buzz from the chase and the flirting online that it becomes a bit like a game and they almost see it as some sort of amusement, not realising (or more accurately not caring) that its real people's emotions they're playing with. FWIW there are some lovely guys on those sites too, it just takes a lot of sifting through the crap to find them.

janelikesjam Sat 05-Jan-13 19:11:37

His loss. Not yours.

He has probably lost alot of genuine, interesting women this way.

He is the loser here.

Nevertheless I hope you kicked him in the balls on the way out. What a jerk. Also, messaging young women for intimate encounters, gimme-a-break.

Wecanfixit Sat 05-Jan-13 17:30:27

So sorry JUST DUMP HIM you deserve so much better , onwards and upwards I say talking from a similar experience to you , I did just that oh and life is so much simpler being single and knowing where I am and not having to wonder about someone lying all the time and hiding things like the OW , GOOD LUCK big hug to you x

Onezerozero Sat 05-Jan-13 12:39:44

How awful for you. sad
What a sleazy cheat. At least you found out now and not in five years time.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 12:23:23

My last one wasn't cheaty or a liar but terrible in other ways.

It can't be me. It can't be me. It can't be me.


StuffezLaBouche Sat 05-Jan-13 12:18:50

Ridiculous. Stupid, stupid man.
Bloody hell though, you've been really strong and he will kick himself will being a twat and losing you. I've never met one who wasn't dishonest and cheaty either, but I'm reassured they're out there somewhere.

tzella Sat 05-Jan-13 12:18:03

It'll be funny soon, Norrie grin After a few drinks with your darling best friends you'll have translated this nonsense into an hilarious anecdote that will have them spluttering with laughter at him. Well, I hope so anyway wine

ObscuredByClouds Sat 05-Jan-13 12:15:07

You have totally done the right thing, well done for not wasting any more time on this man.

There are good men out there, honestly.

NorrieAnne Sat 05-Jan-13 12:12:32

He lied at first, I asked if he had a pof account and he said "no". I said "that's strange, because you messaged my friend last night" (not true, I just guessed the password). He admitted it then - his excuse was that he freaked out at the pace and intensity of our relationship and wasn't sure he was ready to commit to a long term relationship (bullshit because this is what he's said he's wanting all along) and so went on POF to prove to himself that it was me he wanted. wtf! absolutely ridiculous excuse.

Even if that was true - it means I've spent the past few months thinking I was in a long term, committed relationship with someone I could well see myself living with/marrying when all along he "wasn't sure he wanted a long term relationship" - shame he neglected to tell me that.

Funny thing is, during the "stand-off" last night he decided to tell me he's been looking at houses in my area with a view to us moving in together at some point this year. What absolute horse shit - he's not ready for a committed relationship yet he's looking at us buying a house together - all in the same scenario??

It would be funny if it wasn't so heartbreaking.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 05-Jan-13 12:04:33

Can I ask how he reacted when you proved to him you knew? Did he make up some ridiculous excuse or did he accept he was in the wrong?
You're bound to feel like the relationship was a lie, because you were putting heart and soul in, while he was only giving you a fraction of himself. It's SO disrespectful, especially when you trusted him to meet your son. But YOU KNOW NOW!

I still want to kick him in the cock.

loopylou6 Sat 05-Jan-13 11:13:10

Not much comfort I know, but at least you found out after 6 months and not a couple of years. It could be worse, you could've got pregnant to the tosser.

NorrieAnne Sat 05-Jan-13 10:53:50

Thanks for the words of encouragement yesterday. I think I'm still in shock. I thought the world of him and trusted him completely. I still can't believe that all the time we were laughing together, going away together, spending time together he was messaging other women on POF as soon as he was rid of me.

For fucks sake, we spent new years eve together and then went for a lovely walk with my son on New years day - had a great time - and then from the records on POF he messaged a few women that same afternoon!!

I feel like the last 6 months have been a complete lie.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 09:16:43

" Every bloke I've ever been with has lied and treat me like shit, why would he be any different?"

There are some decent guys out there but, sadly, they're almost indistinguishable from people like your ex. He was obviously very charming and credible so you trusted him. You'd only be a fool if you'd let it run on and ignore the obvious rather than dump his nasty arse.... Hope you feel better this morning.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Sat 05-Jan-13 06:07:09

Your not an idiot and not every man is like this. You did ignore your instinct that's the only thing you need to change.

Have fun tonight.

TalkativeJim Sat 05-Jan-13 00:11:23

Well done!

And no, you're not an idiot, you're a normal person with a normal sense of what's right and wrong, and who would just expect someone not to be a cheating scumbag, you know, as the default setting.

I'd much rather think like you than be like him!

chucksaway Fri 04-Jan-13 20:03:34

sorry youre going through this

perceptionreality Fri 04-Jan-13 19:58:19

I am sorry to hear this NorrieAnne, you must be feeling awful. Did you meet him on POF? Please try not to be disheartened - the reason I ask is I spent a bit of time on POF and found that it wasn't the best place to find someone decent.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 04-Jan-13 19:56:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 04-Jan-13 19:48:53

NOT more fool you AT ALL. It would have been more fool you if you had forgiven him because you thought you could "make it work" and then spent the next year panicking every time he went on his phone or received a message.

Through NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN you've been put in a shitty position and you have dealt with it perfectly.

And hopefully the seedy wanker will be told exactly where to stick his "intimate encounters" with young women.

Have fun tomorrow!

NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 19:35:57

He came around, I confronted him. He lied. Admitted it when he realized I knew - said he only did it as he was confused about his feelings for me - obvious bullshit.

On POF I found he'd been messaging women about intimate encounters, asking if they had "age limits" (as he's 41, they were early 20s).

I'm half pissed now anyway so prob not making much sense. Fuck em, they're all the same. Every bloke I've ever been with has lied and treat me like shit, why would he be any different? more fool me for falling for the bullshit.

I'm off out tomorow night for a girly councelling session with a mate so all is well with the world.

lilacbaubles Fri 04-Jan-13 18:53:55

I'm so sorry this happened, but at least now you know to end it.

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