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You'd think he'd have the brains to delete the evidence before giving me his password!! gutted :-(

(94 Posts)
NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:09:16

I met someone end of July last year. Everything was great at first but then various stuff happened that made me think hmm photos on facebook for instance that he'd hidden from his time-line but had appeared on someone elses public wall, he started being a bit more protective with his phone ... just general low key hmm behaviour but because it was so slight, I just let it go and told myself I was being paranoid.

Well, the other night he gave me his email password (we're joint organising something and everything is going to his email address). However, the password he gave me didn't work. I told him. He ummed and arred and then gave me another password. This one did work.

So anyway - a couple of days later (today) I'm on there and go onto the sent messages folder to see what he'd organised already to see what I needed to do. On there, was a message to a woman reading the following:

"Hi there, I was looking at your profile on Plenty of Fish and notice you say you can't upload photos. Would you be willing to send me them via your email address? Take Care, D* x "

This was sent in October last year.

What should I do??? I've been on POF, can't find him on there, no other incriminating evidence in his email - but I feel sick with disappointment.

We're supposed to be going out tonight to celebrate something, I was really looking forward to it but I don't feel I can just brush this one under the carpet sad

TurnipCake Fri 04-Jan-13 12:12:02

I'm sorry, OP. you definitely don't want to just brush this one under the carpet, you've had some niggling feelings before that re: Facebook. Hope you're ok x

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:13:06

You tell him that he's an idiot, a rat, the celebrations are off and he won't be hearing from you again. Why stick around for more punishment?

NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:14:47

But how the fuck do they manage to pull off the "perfect man" persona in person when behind your back they're the world's biggest arsehole? how are they so convincing??

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:17:13

They are convincing because you want them to be the perfect man... We tend to see what we want to see and ignore the low-key stuff in the process. So it takes something serious to get the rose-tinted specs off. Sorry he turned out to be an arse. Good luck

notnagging Fri 04-Jan-13 12:23:31

At least you found out that this one isn't a keeper relatively early op.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 04-Jan-13 12:25:02

Ugh. What a wanker.
So you'd been together 3 months? The time that's supposed to be the happy, enjoying each other stage. Knob.
I found out in a similar way when I read an email from my BFs brother to him saying "did Stuffez ever find out about X?" Very painful.

He will tell you it was ages ago.....he would never do it're much more serious than you were then..... but do you want to be with a guy like this? Hope you're ok.

DoingItForMyself Fri 04-Jan-13 12:28:19

If he sent it in October last year it was only a few months into dating - had you both agreed to be exclusive by that point? A lot of people have the discussion about taking their profile off once they are happy that the relationship is going somewhere. Has there been anything else since?

I don't want to belittle what you feel, but if its just a one-off and he was possibly keeping her on the back burner in case things didn't go any further with you, then I don't think its a deal breaker.

I don't know your history or what else you've seen on FB, but if you're trawling back through his emails the minute you get a chance you obviously don't trust him, I'd say that is the bigger issue than a single fairly innocent email.

NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:32:12

We had the "exclusive" chat about a month in to the relationship. We were dead serious by then. Although funnily enough, October was around the time in which he started to cool things down with me.

Lately he's been trying to warm it all up again, moving his stuff into my house bit by bit and looking for houses to buy in my area. I however, no longer trust him unfortunately.

The thing is, I had this thought at the back of my mind that he was messing me about but I suppose I was hoping to be proven wrong.

Guess it's right what they say, you have instinct for a reason.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 04-Jan-13 12:34:11

But how is trust ever supposed to be built when she's ticking along in October thinking "I think he might be a keeper" when HE is stocking up on potential others and keeping them on the back burner? It's insulting and for me it would be a dealbreaker.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:35:22

So you were second choice? He tried it on with this other person on the QT, got knocked back, & suddenly you're flavour of the month again? So gallant .... hmm I'd be moving his stuff out bit by bit... into a skip. smile

NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:39:35

Yeah I think basically he was thinking of ending it with me in October, tried it on with a few others, got nowhere so decided to stick with the easy option, me angry

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:43:21

And now the moronic, field-playing arse will be getting nowhere with you too..... aw diddums..... smile You don't want to be anyone's fall-back girlfriend.

StuffezLaBouche Fri 04-Jan-13 12:45:39

I would be very interested to know his reaction to this - I don't think he'll think he's done anything wrong.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:47:12

I've a tenner here says you're right Stuffez... 'It was before we were exclusive'... 'It was before I realised you were the only girl for me'.... <boak>

PureQuintessence Fri 04-Jan-13 12:49:29

"What should I do???"

You dump him.
That is what you do. You dont have to tell him that you snooped into his email.

Just give him the old "Sorry John, I am not really very happy with you, and you thinking about buying near me just made me realize that I dont really want to be with you. This relationship has run its course"


NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:50:05

You know, I'm in two minds whether to just have it out with him and tell him what I know (the right, sensible, mature thing to do) or whether to keep quiet, have my celebration night (what he's mostly paying for) and get on his phone later when he's too pissed to notice/care and check out those messages that have been playing on my mind for weeks - you know, the ones you catch a glimpse of as they're scrolling through their inbox and make you raise an eyebrow but you're not quite sure why?

Moral decision of the day - do the right thing and be the bigger person or sink to his level and get a night out thrown in for good measure. hmmmmm

I'm angry, disappointed and hurt. But part of me can't help thinking I knew it was coming.

perceptionreality Fri 04-Jan-13 12:50:41

Ok, I think some of the responses are a bit harsh. Some people (rightly or wrongly) keep their profile up on dating sites when they start a relationship because they are worried it won't work out and they aren't sure. 3 months is way too soon to know imo.

I don't think you should assume he has cheated unless there is actual evidence that he has met up with other women. You should definitely talk to him about it though.

ZZZenAgain Fri 04-Jan-13 12:51:14

you won't enjoy the night out, will you? You'll be angry

NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:52:50

I'm not saying he met up with her, it's the fact that he was still contacting women back in October when a) we were in a supposedly exclusive, intimate relationship and b) we were in the process of discussing him meeting my children. Bastard.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:56:35

Always be the bigger person. Checking his messages on his phone would suggest he's still worth the bother. Walking away says very firmly that you don't care.

perceptionreality Fri 04-Jan-13 12:57:04

Well, only you know if he sees you as a fall back girlfriend and in that case I would want to move on, yes. But if he hasn't met up with anyone or arranged to then there was obviously no intent to cheat on you imo. What were the photos he was trying to hide from you?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 04-Jan-13 12:58:35

What should you do? - What PureQuint said.

What would I do? - Cry. Then get my hands on his phone to be totally sure he was the lying creep I thought he was!

NorrieAnne Fri 04-Jan-13 12:59:49

oh ok - I now have all the evidence I need.

Went on POF, used the same password as his email password and he's been sending women messages for ages. Last one was sent yesterday.


perceptionreality Fri 04-Jan-13 13:00:39

oh sad yes definitely get rid of him in that case.

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