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dh says I'm lazy - am I?

(73 Posts)
Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 11:17:11

I've namechanged for this because I'm a bit blush
Ok, so relationship is quite rocky.Anyway on NYE dh was all 'let's make our relationship better this year, etc, etc'. I said my preference would be for relationship to work but my priority is to be happier as I feel sad and drained a lot. I'm starting counselling this month.
Anyway, since NYE dh has called me 'a lazy bitch' every single day.
Now, I'll admit the house is pretty untidy because we got into a stand-off about dh not pulling his weight. Plus we have little storage but he insists on buying dc toys all the time. (you may say 'buy storage' - I have bought some but when I try to buy larger pieces of furniture I ask him to contribute financially and he freaks out and says it's his house and that I can't decorate it . . .(just realising how pathetic that sounds sad )
I work in our business whilst dc is at nursery. I also work freelance. I do all the shopping, cooking, washing. Dh does own ironing. He has recently started to wash the dishes. I'm the one who washes, dresses, plays with dc, reads to him, etc. I did all the Christmas shopping,etc. DH watches cartoons with dc and occasionally (about once every 3 months) will take dc out for a few hours so I can get some time to myself. Dh will also occasionally give dc breakfast.
When dh comes in from work. He is either on the computer or straight upstairs to listen to the radio in the bedroom.
I admit I'm tired a lot - more so than I feel I should be and I do seem to struggle with getting on top of housework- but I've never really thought of myself as lazy . . .so I guess I'm looking for a kick up the backside because I might respond better to one from mn than I do to dh's!

LadyLapsang Sat 05-Jan-13 12:03:50

I think you should seek legal advice (without him knowing) so you are as clear as you can be about your position in the event of you deciding to split up. Your partner realises it is difficult for you to make a stand about his behaviour without harming your child / children, hearing rows etc., and is exploiting this.

If you can trust him to look after the children while you are not there I would suggest going away for a long weekend / week away to concentrate his mind about the work involved in running a house and caring for young children but I wonder if he may prioritise housework over childcare or else call in back up in the form of friends and relatives to take the children off his hands and then just say everything was a piece of cake.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't put up with his abuse. Good luck.

Gotitwrong Sat 05-Jan-13 11:30:25

Do you love him??????
I spent far too many years with my now ex-husband :-)
got divorced in November :-)
been togther from when I was 16 until I finally got a backbone and kicked him out when I was 45!!!!!
3 kids, I worked and did so from when each child was 6 months old and did literally everything in the house and with the children........
but for years I knew that I didn't love him, in actual fact I despised him yet I carried on with no-one knowing what was going on behind closed doors. Why?????
Because I didn't know any different. Thought all men were like him and it was only joining MN that I realised that actually a marriage/relationship is not supposed to be like this.
I truly believe that when a relationship deteriorates to level that you describe then it is really difficult to get it back on track beacuse if you both loved each other then it surely would not have got so bad :-(
it does sound like he is living like my ex did - in the 1950's.......that is how I described my marraige and I have been on my own with the children for 20 months now and could not be happier. Children happy and there is fun, love, laughter back in our home but most of all the children do not see and hear me being treated with such disrespect!!!!
That is what you are being shown on a day to day basis - complete disrespect and you deserve better and so does your DC.
Hope I am not being harsh but I am worried that unless you face up to how you are being treated that you, like me will waste far too many years just putting up and shutting up :-(

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 05-Jan-13 09:48:25

"My dm drilled into me that you should always have your 'own' money "

My DM did the very same thing and, when my marriage went tits up, her advice literally saved my bacon. Very true about men with abusive tendencies showing their true colours once the first baby arrives and ramping up the behaviour. Very common indeed

Allergictoironing Sat 05-Jan-13 09:39:49

The other reason they wait until after the first DC is they know that women tend to be hard-wired into protecting the child to such a degree that they will be much more reluctant to leave if there are children that will be impacted.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 04-Jan-13 22:50:19

OP, it's very very common for abusive men to show their true colours after marriage, particularly when the first baby arrives. All of a sudden they decide the woman is a 'woman' therefore all domestic work and childcare are her responsibility and that they, because they have a Mighty Penis, are the overlord of the house.

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 16:10:36

Beryl that made me lol grin

happygolucky0 Fri 04-Jan-13 16:07:51

Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships:
Sorry I dont know how to do a link.

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 16:05:08

So when he raised the subject of who owns what ( he freaks out and says it's his house and that I can't decorate it ) he probably isn't thinking things through. If you left him, or kicked him out, you get a fair chunk of both the house AND the business (cackles evilly).

Do you realise that in the long term you'd probably be BETTER off than him? You get a big chunk of the house & business, you can just up the amount of freelance work you do, and he either has to employ someone to do the work in the business you used to do or cover it himself (assuming he does buy out your share of the business).

i'm not suggesting that you leave him with the sole purpose of screwing him out of everything you can get, but his attitude might just change a bit if he gets faced with the fact that you have significant financial rights if he pushes you too far. Could be time to visit a solicitor, just to get the info on what you would be able to get if you DID leave......

happygolucky0 Fri 04-Jan-13 15:59:32

when people put you down and make you feel wrong that can make you feel tired. As well as crap. I was reading on here a couple of days ago the signs of abuse. It was a very good description. I wondered if anyone reads this and knows where it is they could link it for op. It would be good for you to know I think op. Or even goggle emotional abuse.

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 15:49:24

Perhaps next time you need to reply;

'If you ever call me a lazy bitch again I will cut your balls off and wear them as earrings.'

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 15:48:38

Thanks for suggestions about iron levels Iwasafairy and someone else upthread (sorry I can't remember the poster's name). I had them checked a few months ago (as I've had lots of problems in the past) but they were fine. It might be time for another appointment though.
Dequo, the separate accounts was more at my instigation than his. My dm drilled into me that you should always have your 'own' money although I realise lots of couples don't work that way. I pay some bills and dh pays all the rest. We try to work it so our disposable income at the end of the month is about the same.
I should probably point out that dh wasn't always like this. When we got married dh did more in the house than I did because I had a long commute. He's just gradually withdrawn from household stuff.

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 15:47:16

I don't understand why you pay for furniture out of 'your' money.

Although I suppose when you leave him you can take all the furniture?

Iwasafairybutlostmywings Fri 04-Jan-13 15:35:14

running a 'house' as well as working is enough in itself how awful to call you that. sad
I had a thought whilst reading your post if you are feeling tired alot is it worth getting your iron levels checked?....

janelikesjam Fri 04-Jan-13 15:25:18

Am a bit puzzled/confused re. furniture thing. Re. the kitchen, does he not use it? Re. the DC's bedrooms, is he not their father?

dequoisagitil Fri 04-Jan-13 15:18:04

Thing is, if he is pretty well off while perhaps you scrimp, and you don't have the same level of lifestyle (perhaps he buys designer clothes and you go to Matalan for example) it suggests there are deep inequities in the relationship. And I'd be leaning towards a financially abusive interpretation.

I don't know if that is true of your situation. But I always find the notion of 'his' money and 'her' money rather than a couple/family pooling of resources troubling. It can work, but only if both contribute fairly related to relative incomes and have a similar amount left to themselves for use.

laughinglikeadrain Fri 04-Jan-13 15:10:38

"leave the bastard"

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 15:08:51

allergic, yes, I have legal rights to company and financially we take the same salary (pro rata - he works more hours hence earns more). I think someone said upthread he was financially abusive because of my comment about the furniture buying but I have my own salary and bank accounts. I don't think he is financially abusive. I try to seek consensus and contributions on large purchases for public rooms hence why they don't happen. In the rest of the house (eg kitchen, dcs' rooms) I'll buy furniture,etc, without his input and pay for it myself.

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 14:46:36

Hecate, I did laugh. I thought he must have been joking. It's only as time has gone on that I'm starting to think he meant the list as a serious suggestion.

Allergictoironing Fri 04-Jan-13 14:46:14

basically, he wanted to be in control of all the decisions (from colour of cushions to moving furniture) but I could be responsible for doing most of that stuff. I didn't see the point in pursuing that kind of list

I did laugh at this, it's just SO entitled and typical of a few men I know, and strangely I was talking just this morning to someone about how certain men insist that the house is perfect but expect their woman to do it all.

That quote about the list should tell you that no you aren't the lazy one, he is. You are most likely tired because you don't get any "me" time, as someone else said above, just try adding up how much DC-free relaxation time each of you get.

I don't think he realises that if you are married it doesn't matter who's name is on the deeds of the house. You also say I work in our business - does that mean you have your own business (you and (D)H), and if so are you legally an officer of the company/listed anywhere as a partner of this company?

Lueji Fri 04-Jan-13 14:04:46

The "bitch" alone would merit a LTB.

Even if you were lazy, there would be no need for that.

Never mind the lazy question - your own husband is calling you a bitch !

FFS, is that acceptable to you?

I have had two husbands and I would not have tolerated either one of them calling me a bitch. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to speak to you like that?


SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh Fri 04-Jan-13 13:59:32

This is a man who hates women and considers them men's inferiors and men's servants. This abuse is his idea of training you to know your place. Men like this do not change because their fundamental belief is that they are entitled to own, control and punish women. See a solicitor and divorce him. You will feel much better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 13:56:30

In the OP's context, being repeatedly called 'a lazy bitch' is certainly Domestic Abuse. It is the tip of the iceberg.

HecatePropolos Fri 04-Jan-13 13:54:41

He's an arse.

He wants to split the jobs into him being the decision maker and you carrying them out?

If it wasn't so revolting that would actually make me laugh my arse off.

Who does he think he is?

NaturalBaby Fri 04-Jan-13 13:50:55

hmm I call DH a grumpy *%^&$ when I'm really exasperated, is that really domestic abuse?!

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