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dh says I'm lazy - am I?

(73 Posts)
Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 11:17:11

I've namechanged for this because I'm a bit blush
Ok, so relationship is quite rocky.Anyway on NYE dh was all 'let's make our relationship better this year, etc, etc'. I said my preference would be for relationship to work but my priority is to be happier as I feel sad and drained a lot. I'm starting counselling this month.
Anyway, since NYE dh has called me 'a lazy bitch' every single day.
Now, I'll admit the house is pretty untidy because we got into a stand-off about dh not pulling his weight. Plus we have little storage but he insists on buying dc toys all the time. (you may say 'buy storage' - I have bought some but when I try to buy larger pieces of furniture I ask him to contribute financially and he freaks out and says it's his house and that I can't decorate it . . .(just realising how pathetic that sounds sad )
I work in our business whilst dc is at nursery. I also work freelance. I do all the shopping, cooking, washing. Dh does own ironing. He has recently started to wash the dishes. I'm the one who washes, dresses, plays with dc, reads to him, etc. I did all the Christmas shopping,etc. DH watches cartoons with dc and occasionally (about once every 3 months) will take dc out for a few hours so I can get some time to myself. Dh will also occasionally give dc breakfast.
When dh comes in from work. He is either on the computer or straight upstairs to listen to the radio in the bedroom.
I admit I'm tired a lot - more so than I feel I should be and I do seem to struggle with getting on top of housework- but I've never really thought of myself as lazy . . .so I guess I'm looking for a kick up the backside because I might respond better to one from mn than I do to dh's!

pictish Fri 04-Jan-13 11:20:14

You're not lazy - but he is!

Regardless, calling you a lazy bitch on a daily basis is beyond the pale. He has no respect for you.

What are you looking for? Do you need confirmation that you are right?
You've got it.

What now?

Nici177 Fri 04-Jan-13 11:22:13

You are in no way lazy, you're doing far more than your share of housework and childcare and frankly your OH is an arse! I don't consider myself lazy yet my DH does far more than yours, and not because I ask him to or nag, because he is a decent human being who understands the concept if shared parenting and being in a grown up relationship. Also, he would never, ever consider calling me names, I am aghast that your OH thinks its ok to call you a bitch on a daily basis.

What do you get from this relationship exactly?

ShamyFarrahCooper Fri 04-Jan-13 11:22:24

Read that back...then tell me who is in the wrong. Slight clue, it's NOT you.

There is NO excuse for him calling you names. He doesn't want the relationship to get better for both of you, he wants YOU to make things better for him. Don't fall for it.

You don't need a kick up the backside, he needs a kick out of the door if he doesn't change.

glasscompletelybroken Fri 04-Jan-13 11:23:44

It doesn't matter if you're lazy or not - that's not the issue. The issue is that you have an unequal relationship where your DH gets what he wants by making you feel inadequate and not his equal.

He calls you lazy because it pushes your buttons. next time he does it just don't react.

He isn't really sticking to his new years resolution is he? How will calling you names make your relationship better?

Just tell him that your new years resolution is to come to a decision about whether you want to continue in this relationship and if the answer is no to get on with getting out.

Good luck!

dequoisagitil Fri 04-Jan-13 11:23:53

You're not happy cos you live with a verbally abusive, lazy, entitled git of a man.

And if you're married, I hate to break it to him, but it's not 'his' house. And if he sees the assets of the marriage as 'his', the courts would see it somewhat differently.

janelikesjam Fri 04-Jan-13 11:25:19

I'm not surprised you are tired tbh.

On one side of the page I saw "own ironing, occasional washing up and very occasional outing". On the other side of the page I saw "everything else" hmm.

BerylStreep Fri 04-Jan-13 11:28:07

He isn't contributing to the household, and he is verbally and emotionally abusive to you.

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and get thee to a solicitor pronto.

coppertop Fri 04-Jan-13 11:32:29

So to sum things up, your dh:

- irons his own clothes (presumably no-one else's?)

- Takes his own child(ren) out four times a year

- Occasionally gives his own child(ren) breakfast

Meanwhile you are working at two different jobs and doing everything else.

And he calls you lazy??? confused

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 11:34:05

"Anyway, since NYE dh has called me 'a lazy bitch' every single day."

Whatever you do or don't do, verbal abuse is utterly unacceptable and intolerable. Rather than wondering if you are at fault and seeking counselling, show the nasty little creep the door. Your life will be instantly 100% happier.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 04-Jan-13 11:34:59

Apart from being knackered running your own business, household, children and coping with a man-child, have you considered your tiredness might be partly due to a medical cause? You could be anaemic perhaps, or low thyroid or something. Might be worth a check-up. However, I'm guessing it's psychological, and once you don't have Mr Sunshine telling you how crap you are on a daily basis you'll rediscover a wellspring of energy.

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 11:36:26

Thanks everyone.
pictish, I was just sitting looking at house (and reading mn blush )and thinking maybe he was right?
glass, basically my point at NYE was that I'm deciding if I want to be in this relationship or not. In the past, I've always been the one who has cried and said I didn't want us to split when we had fights but I'm getting near the end of my tether.
Basically, this morning, I've emptied bins, packed papers for recycling, put a washing in, answered our work emails, cleaned the kitchen worktops, started to pack away Christmas decorations, played archery with dc smile and filed work correspondence.
Dh gave dc breakfast, made some work calls and then left for the day. It didn't feel overly unbalanced but I think the problem is dh wants me to do more than him. Well, actually, that's only one of the problems. The lack of respect is another massive issue!

Fairenuff Fri 04-Jan-13 11:38:33

Is there no reasoning with this man?

Will he not sit down with you and agree how to move forward. Will he agree not to insult you or belittle you. Will he agree that the jobs need to be divided more equally. Will he agree that sometimes you will have different opinions and that you need to listen to each other and compromise?

If not you have two choices - carry on like this for as long as you can bear it, or start the process of separation.

What do you want?

PostBellumBugsy Fri 04-Jan-13 11:39:49

I shudder when I read statements like "Anyway, since NYE dh has called me a 'lazy bitch' every single day". How dare anyone speak to you like that? I know people have arguments and things get said that shouldn't, but this doesn't sound like that. This sounds like verbal abuse, long-standing unpleasant name calling to erode someone's elses view of themselves. He has actually made you think that you might be a lazy bitch - which you so clearly are not.
Don't tolerate this - assert your right not to be spoken to like that & tell him exactly where to get off.

MadAboutHotChoc Fri 04-Jan-13 11:40:56

Do you both have EQUAL amounts of child free leisure time?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 11:42:34

What's happening to you is that he is setting the bar of 'acceptable' out of reach whilst doing nothing himself and backing this up with verbal abuse. The effect is that he's got you running around trying to please, trying to reach this unreachable target, doubting your own judgement and all the time your confidence is getting lower and lower.

Yes he wants you to do more than him and, newsflash, he's doing pretty well at achieving that through manipulative and abusive behaviour.

Enough... right?

EuroShagmore Fri 04-Jan-13 11:42:34

I wouldn't be with anyone who spoke to me like that. But if you want to try to make it work, make a list of who does what (as fairly as you can) and show it to him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 11:44:34

@EuroShagmore... he's not interested in lists or what other people do or don't do. He's only interested in crushing the spirit out the clearly hard-working conscientious OP by convincing her she's lazy! Look at the thread title..... he's smashed her self-esteem and judgement so much she has to ask a bunch of strangers 'am I lazy'?

He's a piece of work.

pictish Fri 04-Jan-13 11:46:43

I agree,
The list would be ridiculed, then used as a weapon.

TurnipCake Fri 04-Jan-13 11:57:31

I just wanted to echo others in that this guy is a verbally abusive, lazy, manipulative arsehole.

I lived with a lazy gut. It amazed me whenever he would go on his diving trips how much happier I was and how much cleaner the house seemed with less effort on my part.

TurnipCake Fri 04-Jan-13 11:58:04

Sorry, that should read lazy git. Autocorrect is being too kind

Tethering Fri 04-Jan-13 11:59:01

Actually dh suggested a list at one point but when we talked about it, there were distinctions between being responsible for stuff and doing it . . . basically, he wanted to be in control of all the decisions (from colour of cushions to moving furniture) but I could be responsible for doing most of that stuff. I didn't see the point in pursuing that kind of list.
He can be verbally abusive (which is one of the reasons I'm rethinking the whole relationship) but he doesn't usually swear at me.
I don't tend to react emotionally. I just said I didn't think it was fair to call me lazy.
I guess the other reason I was questioning myself is because my dsis visited recently and said to dh 'do you remember what your house was like before tethered?'
However, dsis doesn't know what his house was like before me. What she remembers is what the house was like before we had dc. Actually there is very little of my stuff in the house. Most of it is still in storage.
I was talking to a friend about it and she said she does everything in the house her dh does nothing. I guess it was all those conversations combined that made me ask the question in my op.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 04-Jan-13 12:02:09

Believe me, if there were any sign you are lazy you'd get both barrels from MN. If you ain't getting it, it's because you don't deserve it.

Someone link that old story about the man who comes home one day and finds...

MovingGal Fri 04-Jan-13 12:02:41

Think about it:

1: He calls you a "Lazy Bitch"every day - Whats next? Its very aggressive - do you want to live with whatever the next level of aggression is? and the next?

2: He tells you that the house is his and that you are not allowed to decorate it or change any furniture - Is this the way that you as an adult want to live for the rest of your life?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Jan-13 12:05:55

"he doesn't usually swear at me."

He has called you a lazy bitch every day for the last five days.....

"there is very little of my stuff in the house"

So it's 'his house' and you're just the housekeeper and childminder .... know your place?

"she does everything in the house her dh does nothing"

Just because your friend has a lazy husband that has convinced her this is acceptable ... two wrongs don't make a right.

He's controlling you all ways up

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