Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Desperately want another baby, husband says no. Heartbroken.

(40 Posts)
cremecaramel27 Fri 04-Jan-13 09:30:56

We have a son who is nearly two and I love him dearly. I have always wanted another child, but my husband says no - he doesn't want to go back to the no sleep stage, and other excuses such as we don't have space, it's a financial burden, another mouth to feed... I'm completely heartbroken and devastated - we had always agreed on two children. I'm in my mid-thirties and considering leaving him as I don't think I can live with a life of resentment towards him. I don't think it's fair to bring up our boy with a mum that resents his dad, but then i also think is it fair to bring him up as a single parent? I don't know what to do. Please help!

Mu1berryBush Sat 05-Jan-13 14:12:52

@ maleview70, I think that is different because you said upfront you didn't want children and you've already compromised by having one. And that is more of a concession than a compromise really.

I'm 42 as well and far from envying men my age that they can go on having children, I feel sorry for them!! I know it's different for women my age who might be trying still, and not have children, but I'd hate to go back to nappies and all of that. I would HATE it. I want to enjoy what's left of young-ish adulthood.

In the OP's case I think it's different. It's not his second time around is it? He only announced after they were married with one child that he didn't want another. tbh in the op's shoes I think he was mentally checking out.

tumbletumble Sat 05-Jan-13 16:33:29

This is a really tricky one. I think it's a bit harsh for posters to assume your DH has checked out of the relationship. I mean, that is one possible explanation but it seems more likely to me that he's just found parenthood more than he bargained for and isn't keen to add to the burden. Selfish maybe, but not as selfish as someone who feels that way but still brings another baby into the world and isn't prepared to be an adequate father to him or her.

AlwaysOneMissing Sat 05-Jan-13 16:49:36

Perhaps it is these early years that your DH isn't keen on, and when your DS is able to talk, walk, run, have a conversation, play football etc with your DH, he may decide that he could have another DC after all.

A small baby/ toddler is hard work and pretty all-consuming. Once you both come out the other side your DH may get more enjoyment out of the relationship with your DS.

I agree with the pp who have suggested you wait a year or so then re-evaluate things.

Easier said than done though, I totally understand the strength of maternal pull when you crave another baby.

downindorset Sat 05-Jan-13 17:25:36

I'm not sure I want another DC - we have one DS, nearly 3. I'm 42 and the thought of the baby stage again is not enticing. We're at the stage now where I'm back at work, enjoy nights out with friends and DS stays with GPs for several days at a time a couple of times a year. It's a good balance between adult life freedom and motherhood and I'm not sure I want to rock the boat.

On top of that, finances are not that easy (although we don't struggle) and we only have 2 bedrooms. DS would have a lot more options from a money point of view if we only had one.

None of means we couldn't do it but all of it combined means I'm not gunning for another.

I can relate to the OP's DP tbh.

Is it worth leaving him for? Only she can answer that.

SherryRoy Tue 14-Mar-17 13:00:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SherryRoy Tue 14-Mar-17 13:01:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EllenRipley Tue 14-Mar-17 13:19:40

Perhaps you should publish an advert for the great Wizard Priest Ade on a thread that's not four years out of date? Or does he cast retrospective time travelling spells? They're my favourite kind of wizard, so actually, where do I sign?

BertieBotts Tue 14-Mar-17 13:28:33

Ouch, that website grin my eyes!

Who falls for this shit?

MummysMaison Tue 14-Mar-17 13:37:24

I wrote a post very similar to this last year. My circumstances are slightly different in that this is 1 second marriage for both of us and my DH had a vasectomy a while ago. He always said he didn't want any more children, when for me this was all i wanted! I had to choose between wanting a baby or being with my DH. Obviously I chose my DH as he is my world and a great man.It took me a while to get over the fact that i wouldn't be having anymore children. It was very hard. I saw babies everywhere. But i got over it, I realised what i did have and threw everything into this.

Fast forward 3 years into our relationship and out of the blue my DH has said we can try for a baby. I was gobsmacked! So it is not necessarily the end of the road for you. Look at what you have got, think about what and who is most important in your life. The best thing is not to pressure your DH into anything. I found the more I pushed the subject, the more he put up a barrier against it.

hugs xx

EllenRipley Tue 14-Mar-17 18:54:15

Ooh @BertieBotts I didn't look at the website, what am I missing? Does he cast spells in his silk boxer shorts?!

TheBadgersMadeMeDoIt Tue 14-Mar-17 19:52:51

Selfish maybe, but not as selfish as someone who feels that way but still brings another baby into the world and isn't prepared to be an adequate father to him or her.

Exactly what I was going to say, Tumble. OP, I think your DH is being honest and responsible. Everyone has the right to change their mind, especially if they made the initial decision without knowing all the facts. And nobody knows all the facts about being parents until they've done it themselves.

That's not to say that you don't have the right to try and change his mind back, of course. But do it openly, calmly and honestly. You are partners, not competitors. And just because you have opposing views does not mean that one of you has to be "in the wrong."

tribpot Tue 14-Mar-17 19:57:25

Zombie thread

BertieBotts Tue 14-Mar-17 21:29:34

Nah, it was just someone who'd done a web design course circa 1995. Moving background, odd fonts, random looped video of some skulls on fire confused

Dahlietta Tue 14-Mar-17 21:37:27

Sounds awesome. I never get to these resurrected zombies in time to see the codswallop that was posted (and why don't people just weirdly spam threads that are active?)

EllenRipley Wed 15-Mar-17 14:33:43

Wow. Still feel a bit cheated I missed it. That's nothing @Dahlietta , I once got so confused with the mumsnet app (I'd just downloaded it) that I replied to my own zombie thread from six years prior. I didn't even realise it was me that had started it. hmm I'm much smarter these days...

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: