I'll try to keep this brief but I really need someone to talk to, none of my friends is interested :( and the 2 people I would usually talk to are those involved.
My DH and DM have never really got on. I can see it from both sides but feel as though I am constantly stuck in the middle trying to please both of them and failing. It's really starting to affect me and I don't know what to do.
DM means well but due to things that have happened in the past, is quite controlling, likes to have more involvement in our lives than we'd prefer and can generally be very irritating. I have supported her through A LOT in the past and DH has seen the effect of this on me. I resent how the choices she's made have affected my life an how she always has to be the victim without realising that others have been hurt too.
DH and I never had the big romance. I met him at a time when I was quite low and sometimes feel I 'settled' for someone who was kind, wouldn't mess me about, would look after me and who was there at the right time. That's not to say I didn't love him, I did (and do) but although we do have some great times and he is a good husband, the differences between us seem more obvious as the years go by, particularly his intolerance and lack of manners.
He is a very blunt person and if he doesn't want to do something he won't, or if he is forced (which I do rarely - DD and I do a lot without him but there are times like Xmas when that's just not possible) he'll make it very obvious to everyone that he doesn't want to be there, stay as little time as possible and generally make everyone uncomfortable. I am the type who never wants to hurt anyone's feelings so I find this excrutiating but to him it's perfectly reasonable because he's been 'made' to do something he doesn't want.
Often these situations involve my DM wanting us to do something (not always though, it also happens with friends or DH's own family - he's that anti-social :(). She is a great one for organising get-togethers, some of which I enjoy although like DH I am irritated by her constant flapping and expectation that everything will be done her way. As I said, as much as possible DD and I go by ourselves, but it is becoming obvious and DM is now putting me on the spot about it. I can hardly say 'it's because DH can't stand you', I have tried explaining a little how we feel but it just ends up with her treating me like a martyr who is putting up with an ogre of a husband which is not true. DH has his faults and they infuriate me (and he knows that because I can be honest with him) but I want our marriage to work for lots of reasons and don't appreciate outside interference even if it is well meant.
I just don't know who's being unreasonable here - DH with his rudeness, DM with her constant organising (which feels like demands but is actually just normal family stuff) or me for wishing everything could be pleasant and undramatic :(
The reason I am so fed up today is that I have a big birthday coming up and DM is pushing for a big celebration. I've told her we'll have a meal or something because I don't want a big fuss but I'm not sure if that's true. I think I am accustomed to saying no fuss because I know DH will want things low-key. But then he may have wanted to arrange something (he did hint) but feels his plans will be swept away by my DM and family. I just don't know what to do and am pissed off that even my birthday is overshadowed by all of this :(
If anyone has managed to read this far, thank you. I would really appreciate an outside opinion on this as I feel I've lost all perspective.
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Relationships
Stuck in the middle of a rude intolerant DH and an overbearing irritating DM with nobody to talk to :(
CambridgeBlue · 04/01/2013 08:40
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