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Where does the love go?

(216 Posts)
debtherat Fri 04-Jan-13 04:13:12

20 years of marriage, two DS and a Xmas revelation! My OH behaved badly at Xmas and NY - shouting at them, snapping at me and constantly wanting to be away from us; also like an addict with his mobile.

Anyway told me that he has met and developed a relationship over the past few months with work colleague - just strong emotional and spiritual not physical but they are/were both sexually interested. She called a stop to it because he is married with kids (so he says) - she has left his workplace but he still has number .. not sure about level of contact.

Says he would have left if she had not ended it (for reasons above).

He wants to take stock and consider options and nurse his lost love (seems genuinely upset). Options might be trial separation (being a single man again), living together separately and maybe working on relationship with me. He is very keen to minimise impact on DS.

I haven't slept properly for 3 nights, feel (emotionally) sick and weepy.

Feel like I am waiting for a) a change of heart from OW, b) OH to decide how to move forward...feels like I have no option but to wait and see - uncertainty is making me sick.

Anyone been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

Clayhanger Mon 03-Jun-13 08:05:27

Deb, sorry but this is what the rest of your life will be like. I read this thread through just now in one go and I'm not sure why you are still posting. He won't change, and your passivity and misplaced hopefulness will never force the situation.

I wish you well but you have clearly not listened to anyone on this thread- so please don't be surprised that your H hasn't miraculously changed. This is the way it will be.

BonaDrag Sun 02-Jun-13 22:47:10

He's fucking you up.

SnookyPooky Sun 02-Jun-13 20:03:34

Dear God. Depressing reading. So nearly six months on and no better. Deb, if I lived in UK I would be coming round to your house to boot him out myself.

TheOwlService Sun 02-Jun-13 18:06:12

Sounds a bit like flogging a dead horse (sorry).

Jengnr Sun 02-Jun-13 17:50:37

Six months Deb. this has been going on for six months.

It's not working, you tried.

Kick him out.

Bowlersarm Sun 02-Jun-13 17:13:30

Hey deb I wasn't on MN when you originally posted.

My main thoughts are that it is all about him and nothing about you. Don't play second fiddle in all this, and let him run rings around you.

Fight by all means but not at your own expense.

debtherat Sun 02-Jun-13 17:07:25

Time for an update from me probably. The best of all this is that I am now functioning well mainly (although sleep is still often a problem). We are having relationship counselling which is going ok but still feel lot of focus on me - what I was doing wrong in the relationship but time will allow us to explore all of the issues I hope. Had an interesting one to one with relate last week when I raised some other issues noticed more or found out since - my OH's checking out other women in front of me (always younger) and a cheat book friend from overseas who messaged him in our shared email at bank holiday asking about how things were with OW and if he still liked "messing around" with her as well?!!! Had massive argument - he refused to show me any text messages "just chatting, nothing in it" but showed me email to her saying goodbye/unfriended. Says there is nothing else and he wants to behave properly but I need to help him... Basically means be nice to him, don't make him feel too bad - could be code for forgiveness which is hard when I received so much personal criticism from him (messy house, don't spend enough on self, too kind/left wing) - all said in anger and backtracked mainly since but hard to forget such character assassination from someone who was your best friend. And it hurts that this follows the "script".

goodenuffmum Mon 15-Apr-13 22:38:10

Deb I didn't post when you started your thread because I was so sure you would kick him out..

I am so sad that a few months down the line you seem stuck physically and emotionally.

My H advised me in October that he didn't love me anymore. I was paralysed and couldn't gather the courage together to kick him out. At that time the only shred of respect I had left prevented me from begging him to stay.

Christmas and New Year was horrendous sad

But something changed in me in January. I don't know if it was the counselling or that I kept reminding myself that he didnt love me (and deep down I knew you can't go back from that)... So at the start of February I gave him to the end of the month to go.

And he did.

It took 4 months, but I got there smile

I had all the fears that you have and do you know what, not 1 of them came true.

It is now 6 weeks since he left and I am on the road to recovery. So are my DC.

I an getting some self respect and learning about boundaries grin

He meanwhile is living with his elderly parents and looks miserable!

99% of my mn replies at the time advised me to kick him out. I know that I would be further on in my recovery if I had done it then, but I had to work with the courage I had at the time and that only ran as far has giving me the dignity to let him go.

Good luck deb

Dahlen Mon 15-Apr-13 15:15:00

I think you're making a huge mistake allowing him to stay. It's entirely up to you and your H whether or not you move past this and save your marriage. But it will never happen if you allow him to stay. He has to face consequences so that the next time he is 'tempted' he immediately considers what he has to lose and stops in his tracks.

As an aside, rapid weight loss and hair loss are fairly indicative of a thyroid problem, as well as stress (although stress can trigger a thyroid problem too), so please get yourself checked out by a Dr as well.

sassy34264 Mon 15-Apr-13 14:35:44

Sorry it reads back quite cruel, and i hate that.

But it is meant as a short sharp shock to get you to do something......anything, than just passively go through life.

You are worth more and deserve more. We think so and we don't even know you.

sassy34264 Mon 15-Apr-13 14:31:51

Just read this thread in it's entirity for the 1 st time.

God, it was emotional. Mostly anger (at him) and disbelief (at you)

No valentines, no easter egg- and you seem shocked. shock

I don't like to be blunt, but i think you need it.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. He doesn't even bother to go through the motions with no meaning attached to placate you.

He just doesn't give 2 shits about you. AT. ALL.

When is your birthday? Don't expect anything.

He's probably majorally depressed that he's still stuck with you, when he wanted the excitement of affairs, 1st sex etc.


Wasting your life?
Hoping he will love you again?

Where are you? Can someone not pick your self esteem up and give you a bit of dignity back?

I can't believe you are letting him treat you this way?


It's madness.

JustinBsMum Mon 15-Apr-13 07:51:09

Can I also say that you should look into what life would be like on your own by speaking to a solicitor. The fear of life on your own is probably much worse than the reality. Once you know the reality you can make sensible decisions.
I went through a bad patch with DH but after finding on mn that I was entitled to half of everything if we split, despite DCs left home, it changed me from angry and helpless (as I felt I was trapped) to confident and able, cos I knew if the worst happened I'd survive.

We are still together and ok.

JustinBsMum Mon 15-Apr-13 07:41:56

Just want to say (and possibly add to your worries OP) that I came from a dysfunctional family and, really, DCs are aware things aren't right. They know DM is unhappy, they probably worry in bed at night about the future, but until the adults in their lives open up they are alone with their fears.
Imo explain to DCs 'mummy and daddy don't love each other any more and ......' whatever ' but we both will always love you and look after you' .'If you have any questions you want to ask feel free to ask and we will answer as we don't want you to worry'. 'Daddy and mummy are working on sorting out their disagreement and will let you know what we decide'.

I also have to say that your DH sounds hard-hearted and cruel to stand by whilst his DW loses sleep, weight and now hair due to the stress he is causing whilst he leads his selfish life.

And the DCs won't be taken in by being bought stuff - they will be suspicious and more confused.

Sorry, meant to be reasonable and helpful but I am getting so angry at how he behaves, messing up you and dcs.

CleopatrasAsp Mon 15-Apr-13 07:33:05

Seriously, why have you got such low self-esteem? This is the most depressing thread I've ever read on Mumsnet. You could have chucked this loser out and lost a stone or two in the time that's passed since his revelation. Instead you've mooned around after this fuckwit, washing his pants and letting him have pity sex with you or worse use you for sex because he has no other options. Have some self-respect! What example are you setting your two sons about women and relationships?

Ledkr Mon 15-Apr-13 07:10:59

Oh come on deb! Get a grip. Sorry but would you advise a friend to carry on like this? You are wasting your life and setting a terrible example to your kids (they will know)
Can you seriously say you are happier like this than making a clean break and giving happiness a chance.
I was in a similar situation and for the few days I thought it might work I felt dreadful. As soon as I decided enough was enough I felt bloody terrific.
NB If you'd have kicked him out when all this began you'd be feeling much better now and been on the way to making your new life.
I met the love if my life less than two years after I'd got rid of the cheater I was 39 with 4 kids.
Never say never op.
take some control find your dignity, got to be better than this limbo surely?

vole3 Mon 15-Apr-13 06:42:42

Deb, sorry to say it, but this situation is doing you no good at all and allows him to assume that should he repeat his actions, there will be no consequences for him.

It is a very male thing to draw a line / box things up and refuse to discuss further. That might be ok if he turned a load of white washing pink with an errant red sock, but not when he betrays you, your relationship and family by his behaviour. His refusal to discuss allows him to ignore the enormity of his actions. His defensive and injured reactions when you justifiably question show he is still more concerned for himself and has no concern for you. Tis all part of the script.

Are you having any counselling, either on your own or as a couple?

What you deserve is for him to commit to you, and which he blatantly is not doing. This does nothing to rebuild the trust, erodes your self-esteem and living with the stress is having its physical effect on you.

If he had shown genuine remorse, openness, gone tech free, allowed you free access to his texts / emails, was going to relate with you and had shown any shred of feeling for what he has put you through, then there might be hope that a new relationship could be built.

Can you tell I have walked this road, along with many others? The thought of life as a single parent was much scarier than the reality. The only difference is I don't spend my time investing in another person who does not invest in me.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 15-Apr-13 06:37:04

Oh dear sad

Why is he still under your roof??!

debtherat Mon 15-Apr-13 05:30:14

Still together ... Comfort of daily routines,trips out with DS but lack of emotional connection still v. hard. We are in such different places. He is remorseful but unable to talk and I am still very upset, intermittently v. angry with him and with OW (she has just fucked off and left me to pick up pieces -would love to give her a piece of my mind). He talks about our future together like what has happened has passed. Tried to get him thinking about things (relate book) but untouched. Was hoping for small gestures - Easter egg, some flowers but no. He is lavishing money on DS - premiership tickets, expensive days out but feel he is holding back from me & I hate, hate, hate his use of technology with a vengeance - it just robs us of communication during waking hours - I know I am here in cyberspace too but as usual sleep evades me. I have aged so much the past 4 months rapid weight loss and insufficient sleep and (horror) hair is thinning! Dawn chorus is starting - need to try and sleep, gather strength for return to school & work.

TheDinnerWitch Tue 26-Feb-13 21:29:04

How are things now debtherat?

cjel Thu 14-Feb-13 23:04:08

Best day of my life when I told XDH it wasn't his decision to make. He'd only met her three times but something in me suddenly felt empowered. I'd had 30 yrs of depression and breakdowns, He was away working for a couple of days and I found place to rent. I have taken control of everything, selling house, forming settlement etc etc. It really is the only way to go. Sounds like the only way things will change is if you do it. Please don't fear the unknown, it is fantastic!! I had tears and lonliness but slept like a log from the 1st day I left !!! Please be pro active Make choices that are good for you. Staying together at the moment doesn't sound like a good option for you now.find strength to seperate.

izzyizin Thu 14-Feb-13 22:49:47

When are you going to face up to the fact that you're not going to get what you want from him while you allow him to stay under the same roof, deb?

Apart from using you as somewhere to park his dick now and again, he's checked out of your relationship and the time is long overdue for you to tell him to check out of your home.

If you do nothing else at least get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and, if you have any reason to suppose that you are entitled to legal aid, make this a matter of urgency as the rules are changing at the end of March and you may find yourself stuffed if he decamps for the same or another ow which, on present form, would seem to be inevitable.

debtherat Thu 14-Feb-13 22:39:29

Hoping for a valentine .... But nothing , although thanks for his and my 2 ds loved theirs. Am I not worth it? Why is he here?
Seems interested in sex but won't talk - does his head in! He's been to relate but it's private. Says I should go and then decide if worth going together- my decision not his - feels like he's giving all work to me (bit like child care and housework). I want honesty, openness - he should be doing much more to reassure me. I am back on his case with iPhone (constant companion) tomorrow. Hope you all got lots of love today!

fightingfog Mon 28-Jan-13 19:45:02

OP there is hope. Because the GOOD thing about this is that at least you know how little he thinks of you, how far down his list of priorities you are, how far he is prepared to go in shagging anything that moves 'finding himself' and how it's all going to end for you.

You're lucky. If my exH hadn't been so good at lying through his teeth for so many, many years I'd have divorced him long ago. Instead I can't find a point at which I knew he was honest which rather makes a mockery of our 20 year marriage and the family we made.

So if you think you've got the stomach for it, keep it up. Let him cocklodge until he's found himself another shag.

Or do something else.

izzyizin Mon 28-Jan-13 18:59:28

He spends time adding details to his diaries about the few times they spent together <boak>

Is the ow's name Barbara Allen hmm

Xales Mon 28-Jan-13 17:50:21

Are you still sitting waiting like Cinderella for him to realise he loves you and put you first?

Never going to happen.

Your house is a convenient place for him to live until he finds somewhere he prefers to be and then it will be see ya deb without a backward glance.

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