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Where does the love go?

(216 Posts)
debtherat Fri 04-Jan-13 04:13:12

20 years of marriage, two DS and a Xmas revelation! My OH behaved badly at Xmas and NY - shouting at them, snapping at me and constantly wanting to be away from us; also like an addict with his mobile.

Anyway told me that he has met and developed a relationship over the past few months with work colleague - just strong emotional and spiritual not physical but they are/were both sexually interested. She called a stop to it because he is married with kids (so he says) - she has left his workplace but he still has number .. not sure about level of contact.

Says he would have left if she had not ended it (for reasons above).

He wants to take stock and consider options and nurse his lost love (seems genuinely upset). Options might be trial separation (being a single man again), living together separately and maybe working on relationship with me. He is very keen to minimise impact on DS.

I haven't slept properly for 3 nights, feel (emotionally) sick and weepy.

Feel like I am waiting for a) a change of heart from OW, b) OH to decide how to move forward...feels like I have no option but to wait and see - uncertainty is making me sick.

Anyone been here? What did you do? What was the outcome?

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 14:18:33

Go gal! Get that 'script and we'll work out what type of infection he's got. smile

houseelfdobby Tue 22-Jan-13 14:28:37

I have been feeling for you. I hope everything works out one way or another. You are doing really well at such a difficult time.

debtherat Tue 22-Jan-13 16:16:32

Calcium tablets!!

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 16:26:10


Swap the tablets for any other vitamin pill of similar shape/size and up his life insurance.

With any luck at least his teeth will fall out grin

postmanpatscat Tue 22-Jan-13 16:34:46

What sort of infection needs calcium tablets?!

50shadesofmeh Tue 22-Jan-13 17:01:05

Hypocalcaemia isn't an infection, sounds like chlamydia or similar if it required a blood test and large antibiotic tablets . It's not normal for them to check a relatively fit makes calcium levels either. Weird!

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 17:29:37

As he hasn't been prescribed antibiotics, we can rule out the obvious.

It seems probable he went to the doc with some ailment or other and a blood test has shown he's deficient in calcium.

comingintomyown Tue 22-Jan-13 19:08:05

I expect you will arrive at the conclusion everyone wants you to in due course , be prepared to reflect back on this and wonder what you were thinking in dragging out the end of your marriage because truly it has ended for him

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 19:31:31

A blood test is necessary to confirm HIV, hepatitis B, syphilis, and herpes. Swab/urine tests can determine whether chlamydia and gonorrhea are present.

If he's deficient in calcium it's most probably due to a poor diet and the sooner he's packed off to cater for himself, the better.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 22-Jan-13 20:08:26

Or maybe he didn't go for a STD test after all?

izzyizin Tue 22-Jan-13 20:43:46

With few exceptions, going to a GP for sti tests is likely to result in a referral to a GUM clinic.

How is the lovelorn one patient tonight, deb?

Ormiriathomimus Wed 23-Jan-13 06:57:37

You need to do a 180. Don't be prepared to wait for him to stop mooning, tell him to go, find a lawyer and prepare for divorce. Take back the initiative. Shake him out of his selfish teenage complacency. Why the fuck should you WAIT for him to decide if you are good enough?????

You might find he manages to clear his head pronto.

Bugger me I'm good at giving advice I didn't follow wink

Ormiriathomimus Wed 23-Jan-13 07:00:18

Oops! Bit late. Sorry blush

izzyizin Wed 23-Jan-13 12:41:20

<waves to Orm>

We can't all be born with the benefit of hindsight, but acting on the considered and sound advice you've been given here is the ONLY way you're going to discover yourself whether your marriage is worth the effort of saving or is dead in the water, deb.

2wwmadness Wed 23-Jan-13 12:45:01

This was me a year ago. Except I was of with our 1st child. I took control. Divorced him, re located, new home new life and I am the happiest I have ever been because I know my self worth. Don't underestimate your self worth. Ask yourself.

Do you deserve to be treated like this?

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 13:30:51

OP I hope you don't mind me joining so late.

IIRC this is the first thread I have ever read on Relationships.

Please, please, please listen to all the other postsers on here.

I found out that my fiercely loyal, faithful husband had joined a dating agency in November. By December I'd also discovered that he was having an affair with a woman from work. <Yawn> How tediously pedestrian hmm

It's because I was emotionally distant. Er. Because he thought we'd made a mistake marrying in the first place. Er. Because I'd never made him feel special enough/like he was loved.

He wanted to try again, he thinks he still loves the OW, but he still loves me. I can't say anything because I have "no right to tarnish the most amazing few weeks of his life"...

I've read your posts thinking "yep, heard that"... "yes, heard that"... "oh my god, yep, heard that too".

He's begged me to let him hold me when I was upset, and become nasty when I said he isn't the person who gets to do that any more.

He's now told me he needs time to decide whether it's me he really wants or the OW hmm because he still loves me, but he doesn't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again. (See, still my fault!) Oh and yeah, right, of course I'm going to wait around to see if he wants me or not. Idiot.

It's all my fault. He'd never have done any of it if I'd loved him more or been a better wife. Bollocks. He did it because he's a man, just like the others, who thinks with his dick.

You have to start listening to his crap for what it really is and rise above it. And whilst he thinks you are there willing to take him back if that's what he decides, he will mess you around. You are better off without him.

A lot of people on here said to me that I'd be ok and it's hard, but on the whole I am.

You deserve better than this.
He is following the script. I had never heard of the script. But it exists.

Your husband is a twat, like many before him and many yet to be discovered.

Makes me wonder if there are any genuinely faithful men out there!

debtherat Wed 23-Jan-13 14:11:43

Thank God it wasn't the STD part of the script!

Latest news is that - having thought it over - he wants to stay for the children and me - the right thing to do he says - not sure if this is moral choice, an emotional one? He is not looking to us to do anything different which cannot be right long term. I am insisting that he goes to Relate - to sort out any ambiguity he feels... otherwise I might be living with a man who feels duty bound to be here but emotionally absent and the same thing will happen again no doubt. The OW is off the scene it appears but if she pops up again, what will happen? His emails and phone are off limits so no outlet for me checking his honestly levels going forward. I am left wondering why he told me - I was not particularly suspicious. I came across this snippet about exit affairs..which resonates because he said if not the OW (the great love) he thought he would like to meet someone else and I did find dating websites on his private email while he was falling in love with OW.

"6 The exit affair
The purpose of an exit affair is to try to force the non-straying partner into ending the relationship. Alternatively, it might have started as a distraction from the pain of separation. The affair says, ‘It’s over’, when honest communication has not been happening for a long time. Such an affair could be seen as the cause of the split, but it’s usually a way out after the straying partner has made a decision to end the relationship"

I am also going to Relate on my own partly because I feel like shit about myself, want to be able to function properly (no tears at work) and to see how I can communicate better. Some of you said my emotional responses to this were strange/disconnected - so maybe I need some "work". Like most people I have a couple of events which dominate my emotional landscape and a couple are very negative (involving my 2 older brothers) but mostly I need to be normal again for my two darling DS.

Thanks for your support particularly during the sleepless nights. I will keep posting and hope for a positive outcome for me and all of you who are on here for emotional rescue.

debtherat Wed 23-Jan-13 14:19:49

I am starting to think that faithfulness is a dead concept. if my met my OH, you would think he was the faithful type but social media tantalises, makes it all so easy - men and women - to imagine themselves with other people - having guilt-free, new sexual and emotional outlets - see my OH's site of choice - "No strings attached" - then delete from history. There are even articles about the popularity of the site across all social classes in Times/Telegraph. All so easy until you are found out!!

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 14:37:32

Oh god deb I could have written that first paragraph myself. Word for word.

Seriously. Word. For. Fucking. Word.

I wish I'd come onto Relationships at the time. But I've been avoiding it because it's still quite raw and hurts to read stuff like that which you've posted about the 'exit affairs' because that's exactly what my husband did.

The fact is, of course he is saying he wants to stay with the children and you. It's not that it's the 'right' thing to do, but it's the easy thing to do. Where would he go if he left?

You're always going to have the worry about the OW popping up again. Especially if his phone etc are off limits.

I've also been told I was a "spiteful bitch" because I told DS (14) that he was seeing someone else. However, I didn't say anything to DS until he started receiving gifts from "Dad's friend at work" and my ex started talking about moving out of his parents and in with her rather than getting a place of his own.

They will say whatever they think it will take. You just need to put your shields up and deflect, deflect, deflect!

TroublesomeEx Wed 23-Jan-13 14:45:11

I haven't told many people that my husband had an affair. Because I'm ashamed. His friends and people who know him simply wouldn't believe it! Or would believe it was so out of character for him that they would only be able to rationalise it to themselves by making it my fault. They'd see him as the 'victim'.

I think it's too easy, too. It's also normalised. Just like "everyone's got an ipad" when actually, they haven't.

My husband joined a site called maritalaffair. Pretty unambiguous!

I wonder how many other women 100% believe that their husbands are completely faithful when they aren't. Or whether there are actually some men who would be.

As I said at the time, I've never been smug about it but I had posted on plenty of threads on MN saying how lucky I was that I could trust my husband 100% and whatever other faults he had, this would never be one of them.

And you can't help but wonder if it's just that you're not tall enough, or slim enough, or pretty enough, or funny enough, or clever enough...

But I won't trust a man ever again and that's what makes me the most sad. That I won't even be able to meet someone else. Because I 100% trusted my husband on this issue and if I wasn't enough to keep him faithful...

Oh. just ignore me, I'm just wallowing now! grin

wiseoldowl Wed 23-Jan-13 20:24:22

Deb, I'm still sorry to hear that you are accepting this complete crap....I agree another poster has said that he wants to make you make the decision and in the meantime you will be washing,cooking,cleaning for him while he searches for a new OW. Please wise up.
Folkgirl, sorry to hear re your STBXH and the situation, I know how you feel but please do not feel that all men are the same. The best way to move forward is to be happy in yourself,to learn from what has happened, to take a long look at yourself and to not let your bad experiences ruin the rest of your life. Not all women are the same nor are all men. I also believe there is an element of genetic philandering XH has so many relatives that have also had affairs...perhaps it runs in the genes.

Xales Wed 23-Jan-13 20:44:14

Why do you think so little of yourself that you are even considering this option?

Three days ago he was determined to move out to signal to OW that he was free and that he had dumped you and your marriage for her. And that if she didn't come back he would be off searching for other people!

He is not staying with you because he loves you. He is staying 'for the children'. That means he will be sniffing after every bit of skirt that gets his attention because you are no where near the top of his list.

If you haven't already please get to a clinic and get yourself checked for STIs. You cannot trust that this man would tell you the truth if he had one. The only peace of mind is to check for yourself.

I don't mean to be harsh but I think you are a mug if you let him stay. It will slowly destroy every piece of self respect and dignity you have until you are a hollow shell. Then he will dump you any way for someone more interesting (in his opinion)

wiseoldowl Wed 23-Jan-13 20:49:05

agree with Xales....STRONGLY

izzyizin Wed 23-Jan-13 21:12:32

Deb, please act on this advice, honey. Boot him out - NOW. And then consider your options which, unlike his, are legion.

debtherat Wed 23-Jan-13 21:58:25

I don't see any options for me but single parenthood and loneliness. I have spent a few hours summarising our time together from the intense love we had when we first met, our lives pre children, joy at children being born, wonderful holidays. Ok not all good and lots of petty annoyance more especially recently but just stresses of normal life. Just can't see this story ending with such bitterness and rejection.

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